Hi Sammy, once again thank you for your time to respond and encouragememt to speak out, it means a lot.

It comes and goes to be honest, I’m quite lucky to have a job that takes up most of the day so it helps with not much time to dwell on things, I will have moments where I think I can’t accept what is happening and then I will be able to rationalise with that’s how it is right now and it is out of my control, at the moment I’m not ready to completely rule anything out and trying to not to think too far ahead and concentrate on taking each day as it comes.

I know deep down that it is not right and probably won’t be ever, I just miss having this person in my life so much as we do really get on but there is no way I can accept being just friends at the moment because the thought of her being with someone else will destroy me, so it’s better out of sight out of mind, I suppose the reason it’s hard to let go is because of the past and the fact she has come back to me previously and I just can’t help but think there is something there for her also but if I’m honest with myself she wouldn’t keep doing this if it was strong enough. If she had left it at the first or second time then it would been a whole lot easier to accept but now I’m forever thinking she’s not letting go and isn’t moving on so there must be something. Also it may be the chase and challenge of wanting something that I can’t have, the euphoria I have experienced when she comes back into my life is second to no other feeling I’ve ever had, that being said the trauma of when I get rejected is far outweighing this now.

Maybe it is just the thought of being with someone, I was single for a long time before this started and forgot what it was like to have feelings for someone, it hasn’t always been bad, we have had some really nice periods together but just not consistent, she definitely has commitment issues, her last bf was quite horrible to her after initially sweeping her off feet, her children also have different dads as well so it is consistent pattern that things generally don’t stick with her and think she has that mindset going into relationships and also had a difficult upbringing which she does reference a lot.

As I said initially, I was not interested in pursuing a relationship with her but just curious to be around her and it was exciting but I have grown to have very strong feelings and was very much on board with pursuing something more, I’ve met them all and get on well with them and they seemed to like me and that was a big thing for me as not really be in that scenario previously.

I don’t think I’m unattractive, I know I’m not bad looking and can make people laugh, my worst criticism is my confidence, I’m just very shy and don’t really put myself out there enough for fear of rejection which is something I’m trying to work on, In fact yesterday evening I went to see some friends for a couple of drinks after work so I wasn’t indoors thinking everything over and at the end of the evening I did have an urge to reach out which I did stop myself and I’m very good at doing that usually so can’t see myself slipping up there, I left the ball in her court so if I don’t hear from her then there is no reason to speak anymore.

Anyway there is a girl who I’ve known for a while who I get on well with and been messaging on a friendly basis through the latest lockdown and she messaged me last night, what timing when I felt a bit down! Anyway I thought why not ask her out for a drink, what’s the worst that can happen and? and she was very responsive to this so we are arranging this for next month when hospitality reopens, I’m not saying this is an answer to the problem of getting over someone who I deeply care about but it has given my self confidence a huge boost and something else to think about for now so we’ll just see what happens, surely there is no harm in this? There is definitely attraction there from both sides but never followed through with a date as such so who knows what will become of it.

Again thank you for your time in assessing my situation and provide your thoughts, its feel good to get it all out and share!