Dear trustagain:

I re-read your posts this morning. I am wondering if you are still in the relationship you shared about in your November 2020 thread, The Urge and the Hope that kills, and in this January 2021 thread, It’s Toxic, and I wonder if the relationship is still toxic.

The relationship was at first “pure bliss and nothing else”, but it turned bad, toxic, full of fights, breakups and reunions. You shared that you just couldn’t break up with him and let go of him, you had the Urge to text him asking for him to come back to you. But when the relationship resumed, so did the toxicity.

“I had hopes and dreams regarding of ‘us’… I am angry that it didn’t turn out to what I hoped it was… I am angry that I am still hopeful of all this”- if you are reading this, will you expand on your hopes and dreams regarding you and him: is it hopes and dreams for “and they lived happily ever after”, for an eternal, heavenly bliss: all good feelings all the time, no fear, no anger, no longing for something you don’t have?

My thoughts: I believe that the concept of heaven was created in the human imagination as a place to long for: a place of perfection, perfect safety, perfect joy, never worries, never anxiety.. the way a young child feels when well taken care of, warm and dry, fed and held with love and gentleness. The concept of heaven is the human’s desire to return to that bliss of young childhood before we knew what life is really about. We want to return to what we felt was real but was never real. That heaven can never can be. All of us adults are permanently exiled from that heaven, and when we keep hoping for it, it is indeed “the Hope that kills”. Accepting Human Exile and making the best of it is the healthy way to go about it, says I.

anita