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It’s Toxic

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  • #373474
    trustagain
    Participant

    *Disclaimer: I didn’t know it will be this long until I finished typing it, I thank you for the time that each of you spend to read it as it’ll mean something to me.

    I don’t know from when, it was happiness at first, pure bliss and nothing else, I am pretty sure all relationship started like this, but somehow, it all turns into something I am afraid of, that I never thought of. It was nothing physical, as in not physically abusive, but I know it’s toxic. Five months into our first relationship came our first break up, we patch things up in a few days, and ever since then, the temper that I didn’t know of him, started to surface in the relationship, he wasn’t like before, the guy who care for me be it small little things or big things, the guy who made me feel lucky that I have him, that we are together. He became someone that I don’t know of, someone that hurled vulgarities when angered, someone who’s emotionally manipulative (or at least I think he is).

    To be honest, I think we are toxic together, we bring out the worst in each other, I don’t really like myself when I am with him, especially when we quarrel, I don’t like it when I cry when I was hurting due to the quarrels, most of the things that happened, I did not tell my friends about it as I wasn’t proud of what happened, I was ashamed that he used vulgarities on me in this relationship despite knowing full well that it wasn’t me that it reflected on, it was him. When I confronted him on the vulgarities he used, he made promises after promises that he wouldn’t use it again, and there it happened again and again. I was angry that those promises he made means nothing to him, but it was something to me.

    I never thought that we would end up like this, I had hopes and dreams regarding of ‘us‘. When he broke his promises despite me telling that whatever he said hurts me and the relationship, it made me think that he did not care about how I feel at all. Please don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that I did nothing wrong in this relationship, I did contribute to the quarrels that occur, but I have made it very clear a lot of times that I want no vulgarities to be thrown at, if it weren’t even used on friends or working colleagues, why should it be used  on your partner?

    I didn’t realised that what he said was contrasting to his actions. Promises that he made, things that he said he will do, saying that he care, saying that he love, saying that he would improve on the relationship. I’ve began to think that I am the only one who has been improving because I do want and love him, but I am began to see things differently slowly. I can’t make someone change unless they want to themselves. I am still angry for what he did to me, I am angry that he broke his promises again and again, I am angry that it didn’t turn out to what I hope it was, I am angry that I am still angry at him, most of all, I am angry that I am still hopeful of all this.

    I know what he did wasn’t a reflection of me, but him.

    How much time do I need to put it all behind me?

    #373485
    anita
    Participant

    Dear trustagain:

    There will be three parts to my reply:

    1. About happiness and bliss in relationships: you wrote about your recent relationship: “it was happiness at first, pure bliss and nothing else, I am pretty sure all relationships started like this, but somehow, it all turns into something I am afraid of, that I never thought of.. I had hopes and dreams regarding.. us”

    – Happiness and pure bliss is a temporary state of mind made possible by certain chemicals in one’s brain. It is temporary whether achieved by injecting certain drugs, or by entertaining unrealistic, inflated hopes and dreams about a beginning relationship.

    Often, the subjective experience of happiness and pure bliss (I will refer to this state of mind/ subjective experience as “bliss”, to keep it short) does not indicate an objective reality of happiness and bliss. Not everyone in a beginning relationships feels bliss because not everyone entertains unrealistic and inflated hopes and dreams about a partner and a relationship.

    The greater the bliss felt, the bigger the fall from bliss: “I am angry that it didn’t turn out to what I hope it was.. I am still hopeful”- when a woman has unrealistic expectations of a man, when the man inevitably falls from the expected greatness- the woman gets angry.

    “I am still hopeful”- hope is a good thing, as long as it is realistic.

    2. About aggression in relationships: in your previous thread of November 2020, you shared about this relationship: “harsh words were thrown at each other, toxic behaviors towards one another”. Jan 2021, you shared: “He became someone that I don’t know of, someone that hurled vulgarities when angered.. we bring out the worst in each other… I did contribute to the quarrels that occur, but I have made it very clear a lot of times that I want no vulgarities to be thrown at”-

    – you were aggressive toward him and he was aggressive toward you. You confronted him about his use of vulgar language, but did you talk with him about the need that the two of you no longer express any form of aggression toward each other?

    You shared: “I didn’t realise that what he said was contrasting to his actions.. saying he care, saying that he love”- didn’t you tell him that you cared for him too, that you loved him too, but then threw harsh words at him (“harsh words were thrown at each other”)?

    3) About your question: you asked, “How much time do I need to put it all behind me?”- my answer:

    a- to put this particular man and this relationship behind you, it will probably take getting involved with a new man and a new relationship.

    b- to put this type of experience behind you and have a healthy relationship in the future, it will take as much time as you need to learn what needs to be learnt,  and change your choices and behaviors as a according to what you learn.

    anita

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