Hi Anita,

I am nervous to write to you today. I look back on our thread, and I can’t help but feel like I did not listen to your advice throughout the years thoroughly enough to avoid the current predicament I am in. I feel disappointed in myself and sad that I am at this current juncture, but you have been with me for so long through my journey, it feels wrong not to be open and honest with you now.

A few weeks ago, I found out that I am unexpectedly pregnant. This was extremely shocking to me, as I have never had this happen to me before, and historically was very careful to ensure that it didn’t, specifically without it being planned and wanted. I think about how this happened, and I think there are many factors that played out that it did. Firstly, I took a break from medical birth control as I felt my body needed a break. I noticed (somewhat minor) improvements in mood, and definitely fewer mood swings. I was pleased by this, and at the time it was alright as I wasn’t dating anyone. However, as I began to date the man I wrote last about, I realized I should have another option. We tracked my period, and this seemed to work. That being said, my doctor did prescribe me a new birth control that would hopefully have fewer side effects with mood, but after discussing it with a friend, she strongly recommended that I did not take it, as she believed it was very unhealthy for women. I think about my decision now to agree with this advice, knowing that it might lead to the current situation I am in. I wonder if I subconsciously wanted this to happen, or if I was at the time alright if it did? I cannot fully remember. I suppose I thought since I had been on medical birth control for so long, there was a low chance of me getting pregnant, even if I wanted that. But then I also think about how my doctor explicitly told me that tracking wasn’t likely a fully sufficient method of birth control and yet I proceeded that way anyway.

Either way, I am where I am now. The main reasons why I feel quite distraught with this situation are that 1) I am not sure that the partner that I am with now, is whom I want to be with for the rest of my life, 2) I am not fully sure I really wanted to have a child, let alone at this current time of my life, despite turning 32 later this month, and 3) I never wanted to have this experience be unplanned and in such a short time of meeting someone. I am very scared at this point of what to do. I am terrified with my tendency to regret and focus on the past, that I will be unhappy in the future with whatever decision I make. I have talked to my parents, and a couple of close friends about my situation as well as my therapist, but in the end, the truth is I need to decide for myself what to do. And yet, I feel incapable of doing so. I’m terrified at the prospect of being unhappy one way or another, as well as the impact on those around me. I also am not certain I am able to fully go through the option of not keeping the baby, even if I decided that would likely be the best option for me. I have always been pro-choice, but I also knew myself and I knew that I would not likely be able to go through with it if it ever happened to me. This is primarily why I am so upset with myself, on how I let this happen. I knew better, or so I thought.

I’m writing to you now Anita, because I feel I have been my most authentic, honest self to you. I feel you know me maybe better than those very close to me in my life, and I wondered if you had any insight or advice to share with me now. I’m so torn. I also feel a deep sense of urgency and pressure as I know I don’t have long to make this decision. I currently have an ultrasound scheduled for Friday, but I don’t know if I can proceed with that appointment if I decide not to keep the baby. There is a possibility of hearing the heartbeat at this appointment, and I am not sure if I can do that, and still proceed with not keeping it.

To provide a little more context to the situation, I was in the other city I had discussed possibly moving to last month with my current partner (B) when I found out about the pregnancy. Initially, my reaction was shock, but I was suprised that what followed wasn’t dread or unhappiness, but perhaps the hint of hopefulness. B’s reaction was also shock, but he was pleased with the news and noted that he felt more secure in our relationship now. Since then until now, he has remained supportive of whatever we decide. However, after I fully processed the news, came back to the city I am from and realized the gravity of the situation, I believe I started to panic. Specifically, about the purchase of the expensive vehicle that I felt B had somewhat pushed me into. I began to pull away from him, and I believe I started to feel resentful of the speed at which our relationship had progressed, the purchase of the vehicle, and the unplanned pregnancy. All the while knowing that the resentment I was feeling wasn’t entirely fair, because, in the end, I did not say explicitly no to any of it. I did not stand firm to my boundaries as you had so many times suggested. I have thought about this a lot now, and I believe my codependent tendencies probably had something to do with this, as well as once again focusing on making someone else happy and giving them what they want, rather than focusing on my happiness and doing what I wanted.

All that being said, I am where I am now and I must figure out how to move forward. Yet I am so scared of making the wrong decision for myself. I have been talking frequently to the previous partner of mine, D, who lives in another continent, and have been since I started dating B. I find myself longing for his personality traits that are rather opposite of B’s, his level-headedness, his practicality and his ability to be very financially stable. I also realize that he and I had a much more developed friendship and partnership after being with one another for 2 or so years (albeit mostly long-distance) and how it would have been more comfortable for me to be expecting a child with him, whom I feel safe and comfortable with than with B who feels in many ways, still a stranger to me. I know this isn’t very productive to compare, but I realized that this is likely the biggest issue I see in going through with the pregnancy, is that I don’t really know this person, not nearly as much as someone like D. I am upset with myself for allowing myself to be in such a difficult predicament, but I know I have to move forward and make a decision, soon. To make matters worse, when I told my Dad (primarily out of panic and wanting advice on what to do about the new expensive vehicle before he and my mom were to go to the other city for a month), he felt he needed to also tell my mother about the news. She then demanded that I tell my sister who is currently having difficulty with her new baby as she felt that it would lift her spirits. Despite wanting to keep the news private, I conceded to my mother’s wishes and told my sister. Now, my entire immediate family knows of the news of the pregnancy. I know it shouldn’t matter, but this adds another layer of complexity for me in that I find it extremely difficult to end the pregnancy now knowing that my immediate family is aware of the news. My father mentioned that I could tell them that I miscarried instead, but even still, I don’t know if I could do this.

I see the pros and cons of both keeping the baby, and not. I see a possibility of happiness with B and the family I thought I always wanted, but I also see the possibility of feeling trapped, sad that I did not put myself first, resentful of this life. I also see the freedom of ending the pregnancy, maybe continuing the relationship with B and maybe not. But I also see the potential for future regret, guilt, and shame in ending the pregnancy now. I really don’t know what to do. I hope you can help me decide Anita, I trust you immensely. Thank you again for all that you have done for me. I hope you have been well!

L