Dear Michelle,

I can understand your struggle in on one hand, not wanting to pressure him or scare him away, and on the other hand needing reassurance and even a guarantee that this relationship has future and that eventually, you’ll get what you need from him. You say:

“There is no guarantee and yet our hearts want the stability of something everlasting.”

Yes indeed, there’s no guarantee that someone will love us forever and would never abandon us. Maybe after many years of a deep, committed relationship, having been tested through various hardships and challenges, we can be pretty sure that this is it, that we’ll be together until death do us apart. But simply getting married isn’t a guarantee at all – many marriages end up in divorce. Sure, the willingness to get married tells something about the person’s intentions, so it would give you some security, but not the ultimate security.

You and Anita have spoken about your anxious attachment. Probably your need for a guarantee that he loves you and will stay with you forever comes from a childhood wound. I know you’re a psychologist, so probably I’m just repeating things you already know, but anyway, I believe the solution would be to work on that and give your inner child the love and stability she yearns for. Promise your little girl that you’ll be there for her always. That you won’t abandon her. So basically, give yourself that what you expect from your boyfriend. That’s when the “grenade” will be deactivated, I think.

“Sometimes I wonder though if we could get to a place where we could express that and not have it be riddled with anxious undertones or fears.”

This is another problem – his side of the equation. On your side, there’s abandonment anxiety, on his there’s something else, but definitely something that would need to be solved if you want a healthy, long-term relationship. Tip-toeing around him won’t give you satisfaction, even if you solve your own issues. But I guess you’d first need to deal with your side of the equation, and then see how and if the dynamic changes and how you still feel about the relationship.