Dear Emily:

You shared that when you were a child, people at home and in school picked on you for being “curvy and dark skin”, calling you a lot of names. You felt that you did not fit in anywhere, and that “no one cared”.

You watched your father (when he was not in jail), and the father of your brothers abuse your mother physically and mentally. She told you that she accepted the abuse because when she was a child, her father was never around, and as a mother- she wanted her kids to have a dad.

You felt that  your mother didn’t love you because (1) she never told you that she loved you, (2) she sent you to your room when you cried, (3) she ignored you and (4) made you smile (when you didn’t feel like smiling, I understand).

You felt that she punished you for wanting attention, and you started to dislike her.

When in elementary school, a lunch aide pinched you, and as a response, your mother physically assaulted the lunch aide, was arrested and spent a year in jail. Your family blamed you for your mother’s actions, tortured you, and as a result, to protect yourself- you were angry and distant. Your family labeled you “the problem child” because they blamed you for your mother’s actions and because you reacted to their abuse with anger and distance.

Unloved and tortured at home, you looked for love outside the home. Men who were users and abusers told you what you wanted to hear “to get what they wanted”, and then left you. You gave birth to two babies as a result of those efforts to get love outside the home: one when you were a teenager, and the second, at about 25.

Your first child was disabled and you took care of him at home for ten years, as his mother and a CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant). Years later, your younger sister chose you in a project in school as the person who inspires her, the person she looks up to and is proud of for being your son’s dedicated, hard-working mother and nurse.

At about 25, your mother passed away. You felt so much pain at her passing, that you thought that you would die. At 28, your first child passed away at ten years old.

You were isolated as a child and you are isolated now, at 30. As a child, no matter what happened, when you went to bed at night, you loved yourself: “my thoughts were positive, ready for whatever tomorrow would bring”, but as an adult, and currently, you’ve been in a standstill, years pass and you “don’t accomplish anything”.

My input today: again, you did an excellent job expressing yourself, and as a result I know you better now than I did before, other people can read your story too, and get to know Emily, the Hero of your own Story, and be inspired by you, just like your younger sister.

Your story is an amazing story of a girl and later, a woman, surviving and doing her very best under unfortunate and tragic circumstances that are national and international problems. I will mention four:

(1) Racism by white society and internalized racism, which means, as a common example, that within the same victimized race, individuals with lighter skin oppress those with darker skin. And so, oppression within the greater society is reproduced within the smaller society of the oppressed. A website, rtor. org/ racism and its impact on mental health, updated in February this year, reads: “Racism is typically seen as the categorization of social groups by race. The most obvious example of this practice is seeing people more negatively merely due to skin color…. Racism has a detrimental effect on multiple areas of mental health And those mental health issues can further manifest themselves in physical ailments… A recent study.. looked at the possibility of Black women trying to essentially eat away stress related to racism.. Black women are especially prone to weight-related health issues.. four out of five African American women are overweight or obese. This puts them at severe risk for any number of physical ailments related to weight… compounded by a lack of proper health care..”

(2) Incarcerated Parents: your mother was incarcerated for a year and your father was incarcerated most of the years of your childhood. In 2004 (when you were about 14), there were 65,600 mothers in U.S. state and federal prisons, and 744,200 fathers. The website youth. gov children of incarcerated parents reads: “Having a parent in prison can have an impact on a child’s mental health, social behavior, and educational prospects… social stigma.. financial hardship… They may have experienced trauma related to their parent’s arrest… Children of incarcerated parents may also be more likely to have faced other adverse childhood experiences..”.

(3) Drug Abuse and Addiction: you mentioned that your father was addicted to crack, that men you got together with were “users”, and that currently you smoke tobacco and perhaps over use alcohol so to relieve your stress levels. A website, drug abuse. gov/ health consequences drugs misuse/ mental health effects, reads: “Compared with the general population, people addicted to drugs are roughly twice as likely to suffer from mood and anxiety disorders, with the reverse also true. In 2015, an estimated 43.4 million (17.9 percent) adults ages 18 and older experienced some form of mental illness (other than a developmental or substance use disorder)… “. The website makes the point that mental health issues lead people to abuse drugs and that abusing drugs causes mental health issues, so it goes both ways.

(4) The Black Sheep Effect: a situation that can happen in social groups, such as families of any race and color,  where members of the family single out a family member as the guilty one who deserves mistreatment (the term originated at a time when black sheep born into a flock of white sheep were considered commercially undesirable because their black wool could not be dyed).

You shared that when you were a child, no matter what happened, your thoughts were positive and you were “ready for whatever tomorrow would bring”. But for quite some time, as an adult, you’ve been in a standstill, not accomplishing what you want to accomplish-

– it often happens that as adults, after more and more unfortunate events, our youthful energy and positive attitude gets worn out.. we lose it along the way when we can no longer handle more and more negative events.

But that youthful energy and positive attitude is not dead, not for as long as we are alive. It can be brought back, at least part of it can, enough to move you out of the standstill and push you forward. I listed the above four topic to suggest the bigger picture of your story, indicating how your story is relevant to millions of people, and to every human being in one way or another.

I know I posted a lot over more than two hours this morning. Please take your time reading re-reading and I hope to read back from you when you are able and willing.

anita