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Letting it Out …..

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  • #376206
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Emily:

    No, you are not asking too many questions. I am curious about you because there is so much about you that is yet to be expressed. Think of all that magic you felt at times when you were a child, do you remember how a new day felt like, as if everything is possible? Do you remember how the cool grass felt under your bare feet, the sounds of the ocean waves.. the promise of good things?

    That magic is still in you, a whole world is in there, within you. So, yes, I am curious!

    But like you wrote, it will be difficult. To express your innermost thoughts and feelings with words, it will take you having alone time first, not being distracted, and being relatively calm in the mood for it, then start typing away how you feel, how you felt.. without editing yourself, just type away.. don’t worry about how you sound like, or what people will think. Type away what is true to you.

    Do so, if and when you feel comfortable, and stop when you no longer feel comfortable.

    anita

    #376214
    Emily
    Participant

    Dear Anita:

    Im afraid of how I might feel but im going to do it anyway .

     

     

    #376215
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Emily:

    You are a woman of courage, afraid but “going to do it anyway”!

    Remember, you can start and stop at any time, no pressure. I promise you this: no matter what you express, there will be no criticism from me, no judgment. Only empathy and support. You can’t go wrong expressing yourself to me.

    anita

    #376216
    Emily
    Participant

    The story of my life = Im afraid but Im going to do it anyway … lol

     

    #376217
    anita
    Participant

    Anytime, Emily!

    anita

    #376230
    Emily
    Participant

    Growing up I felt like no one loved me at age 11 or 12 I fell off a bike a lost my front two teeth which made me not want to go to school I was already picked bcuz I was curvy and dark skin . A lot name calling at home an in school and it hurt me I often felt like I didn’t fit in anywhere so after a while I avoided my feelings bcuz no one cared . I watched my mom be mentally and physically abused by dad and my brothers father that hurt and I always wondered why did she accept these things and she said she wanted us to have a dad bcuz her dad was never around after a while I started to dislike her bcuz I thought she didn’t love me . She’d always send me to my room if I cried she’d ignore me and make me smile I felt like I was being punished for wanting attention   She never told me she loved me . I’m sure she did . But as I child I didn’t understand that  When I was in elementary school my mom had a fight with a lunch aide bcuz she pinched me and went to jail for a year my family blamed me and tortured me  they labeled me as the problem child I became angry an distant it was the only way to protect myself

    • This reply was modified 6 months, 1 week ago by Emily.
    #376237
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Emily:

    What you shared is precious, you did an excellent job expressing yourself. I want to re-read your recent post when my mind is fresh, first thing tomorrow morning (in about 11 hours from now), and will post more to you then. I hope you have a restful night, Emily.

    anita

    #376241
    Emily
    Participant

    Dear Anita ,

    I just want to love myself again .

    Growing no matter what happened when I

    went to bed at night i love myself so

    my thoughts were positive ready for

    whatever tomorrow would bring .

    In the last post I didn’t mention

    once things didn’t work out at home

    I went to look for love outside my

    house which introduced me to user

    and abusers told me what I wanted to hear

    to get what they wanted then left me and I was

    back to square one .

     

    • This reply was modified 6 months, 1 week ago by Emily.
    #376243
    Emily
    Participant

    When I say love myself again I mean I want to feel like I love myself again …

    • This reply was modified 6 months, 1 week ago by Emily.
    #376246
    Emily
    Participant

    I never seen anybody survive and after my mom passed I thought that I would die

    because that’s the way her story ended but I fight like I did as a child but the isolation doesn’t help it puts me in a stand still and years past and I don’t accomplish anything. I’m up

    again and giving it every I got

     

    #376247
    Emily
    Participant

    My younger sister had project in school to write about someone who inspires her an she wrote about me and how I had a disabled son and I took care of him an that I was a nurse and she looked up to me . It’s shocked because I was a Cna and I was struggling but from her point of view I was someone she was proud of .

    #376253
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Emily:

    I just submitted a post to you that triggered the awaiting-moderation feature, probably because I copied and pasted into the post material from websites. I will try to submit it again next, and hopefully, it will work this time.

    anita

    #376254
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Emily:

    You shared that when you were a child, people at home and in school picked on you for being “curvy and dark skin”, calling you a lot of names. You felt that you did not fit in anywhere, and that “no one cared”.

    You watched your father (when he was not in jail), and the father of your brothers abuse your mother physically and mentally. She told you that she accepted the abuse because when she was a child, her father was never around, and as a mother- she wanted her kids to have a dad.

    You felt that  your mother didn’t love you because (1) she never told you that she loved you, (2) she sent you to your room when you cried, (3) she ignored you and (4) made you smile (when you didn’t feel like smiling, I understand).

    You felt that she punished you for wanting attention, and you started to dislike her.

    When in elementary school, a lunch aide pinched you, and as a response, your mother physically assaulted the lunch aide, was arrested and spent a year in jail. Your family blamed you for your mother’s actions, tortured you, and as a result, to protect yourself- you were angry and distant. Your family labeled you “the problem child” because they blamed you for your mother’s actions and because you reacted to their abuse with anger and distance.

    Unloved and tortured at home, you looked for love outside the home. Men who were users and abusers told you what you wanted to hear “to get what they wanted”, and then left you. You gave birth to two babies as a result of those efforts to get love outside the home: one when you were a teenager, and the second, at about 25.

    Your first child was disabled and you took care of him at home for ten years, as his mother and a CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant). Years later, your younger sister chose you in a project in school as the person who inspires her, the person she looks up to and is proud of for being your son’s dedicated, hard-working mother and nurse.

    At about 25, your mother passed away. You felt so much pain at her passing, that you thought that you would die. At 28, your first child passed away at ten years old.

    You were isolated as a child and you are isolated now, at 30. As a child, no matter what happened, when you went to bed at night, you loved yourself: “my thoughts were positive, ready for whatever tomorrow would bring”, but as an adult, and currently, you’ve been in a standstill, years pass and you “don’t accomplish anything”.

    My input today: again, you did an excellent job expressing yourself, and as a result I know you better now than I did before, other people can read your story too, and get to know Emily, the Hero of your own Story, and be inspired by you, just like your younger sister.

    Your story is an amazing story of a girl and later, a woman, surviving and doing her very best under unfortunate and tragic circumstances that are national and international problems. I will mention four:

    (1) Racism by white society and internalized racism, which means, as a common example, that within the same victimized race, individuals with lighter skin oppress those with darker skin. And so, oppression within the greater society is reproduced within the smaller society of the oppressed. A website, rtor . org / racism and its impact on mental health, updated in February this year, reads: “Racism is typically seen as the categorization of social groups by race. The most obvious example of this practice is seeing people more negatively merely due to skin color…. Racism has a detrimental effect on multiple areas of mental health And those mental health issues can further manifest themselves in physical ailments… A recent study.. looked at the possibility of Black women trying to essentially eat away stress related to racism.. Black women are especially prone to weight-related health issues.. four out of five African American women are overweight or obese. This puts them at severe risk for any number of physical ailments related to weight… compounded by a lack of proper health care..”

    (2) Incarcerated Parents: your mother was incarcerated for a year and your father was incarcerated most of the years of your childhood. In 2004 (when you were about 14), there were 65,600 mothers in U.S. state and federal prisons, and 744,200 fathers. The website youth. gov children of incarcerated parents reads: “Having a parent in prison can have an impact on a child’s mental health, social behavior, and educational prospects… social stigma.. financial hardship… They may have experienced trauma related to their parent’s arrest… Children of incarcerated parents may also be more likely to have faced other adverse childhood experiences..”.

    (3) Drug Abuse and Addiction: you mentioned that your father was addicted to crack, that men you got together with were “users”, and that currently you smoke tobacco and perhaps over use alcohol so to relieve your stress levels. A website, drug abuse . gov / health consequences drugs misuse/ mental health effects, reads: “Compared with the general population, people addicted to drugs are roughly twice as likely to suffer from mood and anxiety disorders, with the reverse also true. In 2015, an estimated 43.4 million (17.9 percent) adults ages 18 and older experienced some form of mental illness (other than a developmental or substance use disorder)… “. The website makes the point that mental health issues lead people to abuse drugs and that abusing drugs causes mental health issues, so it goes both ways.

    (4) The Black Sheep Effect: a situation that can happen in social groups, such as families of any race and color,  where members of the family single out a family member as the guilty one who deserves mistreatment (the term originated at a time when black sheep born into a flock of white sheep were considered commercially undesirable because their black wool could not be dyed).

    You shared that when you were a child, no matter what happened, your thoughts were positive and you were “ready for whatever tomorrow would bring”. But for quite some time, as an adult, you’ve been in a standstill, not accomplishing what you want to accomplish-

    – it often happens that as adults, after more and more unfortunate events, our youthful energy and positive attitude gets worn out.. we lose it along the way when we can no longer handle more and more negative events.

    But that youthful energy and positive attitude is not dead, not for as long as we are alive. It can be brought back, at least part of it can, enough to move you out of the standstill and push you forward. I listed the above four topic to suggest the bigger picture of your story, indicating how your story is relevant to millions of people, and to every human being in one way or another.

    I know I posted a lot over more than two hours this morning. Please take your time reading re-reading and I hope to read back from you when you are able and willing.

    anita

    #376252
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Emily:

    You shared that when you were a child, people at home and in school picked on you for being “curvy and dark skin”, calling you a lot of names. You felt that you did not fit in anywhere, and that “no one cared”.

    You watched your father (when he was not in jail), and the father of your brothers abuse your mother physically and mentally. She told you that she accepted the abuse because when she was a child, her father was never around, and as a mother- she wanted her kids to have a dad.

    You felt that  your mother didn’t love you because (1) she never told you that she loved you, (2) she sent you to your room when you cried, (3) she ignored you and (4) made you smile (when you didn’t feel like smiling, I understand).

    You felt that she punished you for wanting attention, and you started to dislike her.

    When in elementary school, a lunch aide pinched you, and as a response, your mother physically assaulted the lunch aide, was arrested and spent a year in jail. Your family blamed you for your mother’s actions, tortured you, and as a result, to protect yourself- you were angry and distant. Your family labeled you “the problem child” because they blamed you for your mother’s actions and because you reacted to their abuse with anger and distance.

    Unloved and tortured at home, you looked for love outside the home. Men who were users and abusers told you what you wanted to hear “to get what they wanted”, and then left you. You gave birth to two babies as a result of those efforts to get love outside the home: one when you were a teenager, and the second, at about 25.

    Your first child was disabled and you took care of him at home for ten years, as his mother and a CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant). Years later, your younger sister chose you in a project in school as the person who inspires her, the person she looks up to and is proud of for being your son’s dedicated, hard-working mother and nurse.

    At about 25, your mother passed away. You felt so much pain at her passing, that you thought that you would die. At 28, your first child passed away at ten years old.

    You were isolated as a child and you are isolated now, at 30. As a child, no matter what happened, when you went to bed at night, you loved yourself: “my thoughts were positive, ready for whatever tomorrow would bring”, but as an adult, and currently, you’ve been in a standstill, years pass and you “don’t accomplish anything”.

    My input today: again, you did an excellent job expressing yourself, and as a result I know you better now than I did before, other people can read your story too, and get to know Emily, the Hero of your own Story, and be inspired by you, just like your younger sister.

    Your story is an amazing story of a girl and later, a woman, surviving and doing her very best under unfortunate and tragic circumstances that are national and international problems. I will mention four:

    (1) Racism by white society and internalized racism, which means, as a common example, that within the same victimized race, individuals with lighter skin oppress those with darker skin. And so, oppression within the greater society is reproduced within the smaller society of the oppressed. A website, rtor. org/ racism and its impact on mental health, updated in February this year, reads: “Racism is typically seen as the categorization of social groups by race. The most obvious example of this practice is seeing people more negatively merely due to skin color…. Racism has a detrimental effect on multiple areas of mental health And those mental health issues can further manifest themselves in physical ailments… A recent study.. looked at the possibility of Black women trying to essentially eat away stress related to racism.. Black women are especially prone to weight-related health issues.. four out of five African American women are overweight or obese. This puts them at severe risk for any number of physical ailments related to weight… compounded by a lack of proper health care..”

    (2) Incarcerated Parents: your mother was incarcerated for a year and your father was incarcerated most of the years of your childhood. In 2004 (when you were about 14), there were 65,600 mothers in U.S. state and federal prisons, and 744,200 fathers. The website youth. gov children of incarcerated parents reads: “Having a parent in prison can have an impact on a child’s mental health, social behavior, and educational prospects… social stigma.. financial hardship… They may have experienced trauma related to their parent’s arrest… Children of incarcerated parents may also be more likely to have faced other adverse childhood experiences..”.<sup></sup>

    (3) Drug Abuse and Addiction: you mentioned that your father was addicted to crack, that men you got together with were “users”, and that currently you smoke tobacco and perhaps over use alcohol so to relieve your stress levels. A website, drug abuse. gov/ health consequences drugs misuse/ mental health effects, reads: “Compared with the general population, people addicted to drugs are roughly twice as likely to suffer from mood and anxiety disorders, with the reverse also true. In 2015, an estimated 43.4 million (17.9 percent) adults ages 18 and older experienced some form of mental illness (other than a developmental or substance use disorder)… “. The website makes the point that mental health issues lead people to abuse drugs and that abusing drugs causes mental health issues, so it goes both ways.

    (4) The Black Sheep Effect: a situation that can happen in social groups, such as families of any race and color,  where members of the family single out a family member as the guilty one who deserves mistreatment (the term originated at a time when black sheep born into a flock of white sheep were considered commercially undesirable because their black wool could not be dyed).

    You shared that when you were a child, no matter what happened, your thoughts were positive and you were “ready for whatever tomorrow would bring”. But for quite some time, as an adult, you’ve been in a standstill, not accomplishing what you want to accomplish-

    – it often happens that as adults, after more and more unfortunate events, our youthful energy and positive attitude gets worn out.. we lose it along the way when we can no longer handle more and more negative events.

    But that youthful energy and positive attitude is not dead, not for as long as we are alive. It can be brought back, at least part of it can, enough to move you out of the standstill and push you forward. I listed the above four topic to suggest the bigger picture of your story, indicating how your story is relevant to millions of people, and to every human being in one way or another.

    I know I posted a lot over more than two hours this morning. Please take your time reading re-reading and I hope to read back from you when you are able and willing.

    anita

     

    #384007
    Emily
    Participant

    Dear Anita ,

    Im stressed . The struggles of being a single mother. I had to quit my job bcuz I couldnt find childcare . I’m trying to put everything together and hold it together it’s rough . I passed the first section of my GED test 3 more than I’ll be a High School Graduate. My landlord threatened to evict me for smoking weed . It’s kinda a good thing bcuz I’m a single mom and I need to find other ways to deal with stress .   Sometimes I feel like such a fuck up but the past trauma and pain are real for many years I was sad bcuz I thought that my current situations were permanent but they weren’t now I’m trying to do my best on my own.  Today is one of those days and I can’t smoke so guess I’ll vent .

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