March 15, 2021 at 3:28 pm #376150
I am glad to read back from you again. I understand picking bad habits, I picked a few bad habits myself, back in the day. I was wondering.. can you tell me more, as much as you can, about the last sentence you wrote: how it was for you being a kid growing up, loving yourself and doing anything and everything for yourself?
anitaMarch 16, 2021 at 9:22 am #376167
I want to repeat your story, what you shared about your mental state and then comment.
* Your story: as a child, your father was addicted to crack and spent most of your childhood- not at home, but in jail. You dropped out of high school in the 9th grade, at about 15 years old, got pregnant at about 17, and gave birth at 18 to a boy who suffered from severe cerebral palsy.
For ten years, from about 18-28, you stayed home caring for your severely ill son, living on government benefits based on your son’s illness. When you were about 25 (in 2015), your father was put back in jail (and has been there since), your mother passed away, and you gave birth to a second child.
At 28 years old, in 2018, your son passed away, and you lost the government financial assistance that sustained you for ten years. Currently, you are 30, a single mother of a six -year-old, working as a security guard. Your father is still in jail, and you have no family to support you at all, no friends and no social life. Over the years, you gained a lot of weight because of stress, and to lower your stress and be able to sleep, you picked up the habits of smoking tobacco and drinking alcohol.
* Your mental state: “tired.. completely drained, mind running all over the place.. face expression is always confused or sad.. depression and anxiety… Daily high and lows…thoughts toward myself are.. mean its usually when I get impatient or something doesn’t go as planned”.
From time to time you feel a motivation to feel better and make your life better: you “spend a lot of time reading motivation books.. come to tiny Buddha site to help my mood… purchased some fitness equipment.. a yoga mat and a kettle bell”, as well as a GED book (GED stands for General Educational Development tests, which upon passing these tests, one can get an alternative to the U.S. high school diploma), and you want to cook or draw as a hobby.
But those times of motivations don’t persist and you get back to hopeless, tired, sad and depressed.
* My comments today: you wrote yesterday, “As a kid growing up I loved myself and would do anything an everything for myself “. As a kid, you had hope for the future, the future held promise, didn’t it? For a child, there is a promise in the air, a promise in the way the sun hits the green grass, or the frost on the ground- that life can be and will be wonderful soon enough. There is an energy in a child, a curiosity, a hope that is hard to extinguish. But for too many of us, that energy, that curiosity and hope get distinguished and we find ourselves feeling hopeless, tired and depressed.
But that energy, that hope and desire for a better life do not die until we die. When we are depressed, the feeling-alive, hopeful and curious- these feelings are still in us, masked and muted. Sometimes these feelings come to life just a bit, and we take some action for a better life (ex., exercise so to lose weight and get fit, study for a GED so to get a better job), but these feelings get muted too soon and we find ourselves depressed yet again, abandoning our efforts to make our lives better.
It is very difficult to change this emotional dynamic of short part- awakenings and long-term depression, but it is possible. If you want to, we can think together about how to make this change happen.
anitaMarch 16, 2021 at 1:14 pm #376175
I came across a post yesterday (https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-kickstart-a-healthy-habit-when-youve-gotten-off-track) and it stuck out to me
So Myla Stauber said A teacher once asked me, “Do you meditate when you’re sick?”
So for example when I have a cold or some type of physical illness I automatically do what ever it takes to get better I never thought about my mental health that way . Im going to start treating my mental health the same as I would treat myself being physically sick
Next I have to find solutions
So Since my son is almost fully on track ( virtual learning set up ) (childcare almost in place)
We have our own place to stay and I have a part time job so my bills are paid
Few months ago we were homeless house to house sleeping in our car . It was a mess I was a mess !
Now I can start working on my mental health because it needs work .
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</div>March 16, 2021 at 1:20 pm #376177
It is very difficult to change this emotional dynamic of short part- awakenings and long-term depression ?
Can u go more into detail ?March 16, 2021 at 1:53 pm #376178
In the past, when I felt motivated to make a positive change, as in: from now on I will do this and that to make my life better, I really thought that from now on I will do what it takes and it will work out. But it never worked out: something happened to terribly discourage me, and I sank again into depression that lasted a long time. After that long time, something would happen, and I felt alive again, hopeful, making a decision that from now on I will do this and that and from now on, life will be better.. only to fail again when something bad happened.
anitaMarch 16, 2021 at 2:08 pm #376180
I can relate
I thought it was just meMarch 16, 2021 at 2:19 pm #376181
I too used to think that it was just me. I learned, following wasting decades of life, that there is no such thing as: from now on.. I will do this or that and life will be better. Those temporary awakening can carry you only so far, a short distance, and then you go backward to being a mess.
A true awakening will carry you a long distance, but it is not a pleasant, quick, magical process of awakening. And that’s the problem: you think you suffered enough in life and it is time that you get a break and have it easy for a change.. but not so.
If I made the rules, it would be easy and just. But I don’t make the rule, so I have to go by what is true to reality. In reality, people who suffer a lot, don’t get a break. You still have to work hard and long to make life better.
anitaMarch 16, 2021 at 2:25 pm #376184
Its been rough as long as I can remember .
So how does this work it all starts with the daily routine ?March 16, 2021 at 2:39 pm #376187
I think that on the outside it starts with a daily routine, establishing self-discipline that way. But on the inside, it takes much more. It starts with expressing yourself more and more. If it doesn’t come easy- you get better at it. The drawing you added is part of you expressing yourself. I like the drawing, her hair and her smile, especially her smile. I reads: “Love yourself” on one side, and “You are beautiful”, I think, on the other side. I like this drawing very much, I think it is uplifting- you must have drawn it (?), you mentioned drawing as something you are considering to be your hobby.
anitaMarch 16, 2021 at 2:54 pm #376188
No I found it on google . One day in the future I plan to take painting or drawing class its on my bucket list . Since im creating a life for myself im going to include hobbies this go round if I fall in love with drawing than drawing it is but Im definitely going to give it a try , Something that I can enjoy doing in my spare time besides work and parenting .March 16, 2021 at 3:22 pm #376189
The drawing caught your attention on google. I wonder if it is because the woman in the drawing looks care-free, happy and care-free, unlike you, who is far from being care-free and for whom life has been “rough as long as (you) can remember”.
I am bringing these things up because I am curious about you and because I believe that the more your express yourself, the more you reveal you, the better your mental health will be.
anitaMarch 17, 2021 at 4:20 am #376197
How can I express myself ?March 17, 2021 at 5:17 am #376200
Curious why ?March 17, 2021 at 6:09 am #376201
The verb to express is the opposite of the verb to repress. When we repress (push down, restrain, subdue) too much of ourselves, we become strangers to ourselves and we are forever lost and confused.
To express what we repressed for so long is to bring up to the surface what we pushed down, under the surface, for so long that we forgot that it’s there. To express is an act of personal freedom to be and to become who you are.
How to express yourself: one way is by using words, talking, writing or typing away your thoughts and feelings. There are other ways, but in context of your thread, if you choose to express yourself further here, it will be by typing away your thoughts and feelings, more so than you have so far.
I will give you an example by expressing myself next. I will express something that is difficult/ uncomfortable for me to express, which means that some part of it is still repressed. I am not planning what I will be typing and I will not edit it, here it goes: when I was a girl, I loved my mother more than I can tell you, the strongest emotion. My attention was on her, she was everything for me, all I cared about was that she would be okay. But she always looked at other people, not at me, she cared about other people, didn’t even see me. All that love I felt, there was nothing but vacuum around it, around me, I lived with a strong longing that was forever unsatisfied, an emptiness around me and within me. I was the loneliest child in the world.
anitaMarch 17, 2021 at 6:28 am #376202
Am I asking you to many questions?
I have another question why are you
curious about me ?
Wow Anita I don’t think I ever
expressed myself this is going to be