Dear Nar,

“I don’t know why it is so difficult to accept that we were abused as children, why instead of facing to what happened, we just accept it as love… I guess part of it is because we still want to cling to that love that all children really need to survive. We can’t let go of the illusion that we were not always loved or that we were not loved at all in extreme cases…”

Yes, I believe it’s because the child, even if severely abused, rather blames themselves than the parent for the abuse. Because if the child is guilty, there’s at least hope in their mind that once they “become better”, the parent will stop the abuse and finally show them love. If on the other hand it’s the parent’s fault, the child cannot cope with the idea that they are left at the mercy of an abusive parent, and that they are helpless about it. So by blaming themselves and exculpating the parent – they’re actually able to hope that some day it will be better, they they will get what they need, if only they change. So yes, it’s an unconscious survival mechanism…

“But mistreatments and abuse are way beyond and much more complicated than just physical harm caused to children. Silent treatments, emotional blackmail, power control, withdrawals, judgements, demands.. Why are children brought up this way? Why do we damage the most innocent beings in such cruel ways and they just turn a blind eye to everything and want to be loved by anyone…”

Well, because our parents were wounded children themselves, and if they don’t heal their wounds, they simply transfer it to us. I remember my mother when she was younger didn’t want to be like her mother, but then later became exactly like her, and was even glorifying her, even if her mother was very cold and strict. She refused to see there was any problem with her mother, and she also refuses to see there was any problem with how she brought me up. Many people unfortunately refuse to take responsibility for their actions and they just keep repeating those same old destructive patterns…

It is all very sad but also incredibly awakening for me as I am not a parent yet luckily and I absolutely understand the full moral responsibility of being one now. I know I must work out through my own traumas and issues, so I pass none of that onto my children. So I never live in the past.

It’s great that you’re aware of those things and will become a much more conscious parent. Luckily, there are many conscious parenting trainings and seminars out there, which can be very helpful. I myself am not a parent, and it’s partially because for a long time I haven’t felt emotionally ready to be a mother, because I haven’t received a good example from my own mother. So it’s wonderful that you’re working on healing your emotional wounds… But also know that it’s enough to be a “good enough” mother (you can look it up what it means), you don’t need to be perfect, and the child doesn’t need a perfect mother, but just “good enough”.  But that too is only possible if we’ve solved our core emotional wounds…

I genuinely want to break free from my past. The work on myself is constant and part of me wishes there was a way to end all the problems in one go.

Yeah, I know… Perhaps it would help if you’d take a look at the Maslow’s pyramid of needs, because it lists our core emotional needs. In order to break free from our past, I believe we need to meet those core needs – the need for safety, security, love and belonging, and recognition/validation. It’s not like one should work in a linear fashion on those wounds, from the bottom up, but still, for me, it helped me a lot to observe myself in the context of those core needs.