I feel like I spend so much time discussing the negative aspects about our relationship, that it can be hard to see the positives. and like you said Luz, it’s not clear based on my posts what it is about him that is drawing me so deeply to him.

In many ways he is consistent. He is consistent in that he never ignores my communication or my desire for it, he liked to see me, likes to spend time, he makes the time. He never treats me like an afterthought. I suppose this was a huge night and day difference from men in my past, from the short term flings who demonstrates complete abandon of concern for me and seeing me, to the long-term relationships who allows addictions or depression to excuse why we couldn’t spend time together. He has never let his depression or his occasional binge drinking affect me.

He does express a lot of concern for me and he does choose his hurtful words carefully. I can tell because he spends more time before he releases them, and he always apologizes after expressing them. I have had other major life events affect me recently and he has phoned and been there for me to make sure that I am okay (holding my hand in person, hugging, giving words of encouragement and affection). The past few days since our latest discussion about us he has seemed quite down, having restless sleep etc. I know all of this affects him and he does ask how I am doing and if I am okay.

Like I’ve said one of the biggest reasons I have been sticking around despite great moments of doubt is due to the improvements in behaviour and the progress within the relationship that I feel have been shown. Looking back to a year ago when we first broke up and he declared he could never see us together and I would never be his girlfriend. That day as he told me he was extremely defensive, felt he didn’t owe me a more detailed explanation and he tried to hold my hand but as I cried and started to get angry, he left quite abruptly after 10 mins and said it was up to me whether I wanted to see him again. He was so completely emotionally unavailable and at the time I was dead sure that kind of behaviour would not be acceptable in the man I would be with. Fast forward to another discussion we had in person in the spring of covid last year, I expressed to him what I wanted and needed in a partner. I cried and while he listened he again made light of my crying as something undesirable that he didn’t need to be around. Something changed in me that day, and I began to be truthful with him. I told him if he left again while I was expressing emotion that I would not accept this and he would not be someone I could be around. I said this was extremely rude and immature behaviour and I was not going to tolerate it anymore. I started to ask for what I needed, and to call him out on some of the things that were no longer working. Since that day he has never again acted this way with me, and responds in a mature and comforting manner when I express my emotions or am facing an upsetting situation. This on it’s own is immense progress to me.  Fast forward to a little towards the end of the summer when I again told him i didn’t want to see other people and we were either together and trying or were not. He responded with he really didn’t know what the future held but he was scared of committing. He did not want me as his gf at that time and we should take a break. We took a bit of a break, but he was miserable and so I suggested he date if he wanted to but i decided to be more secure and stated that I would not be and that I wanted to be with him. I started to show him what commitment would look like with me, while at the same time giving him freedom. This seemed to change him entirely, yes because he was getting me on his terms, but he also began inviting me more into his life, family, friends, holidays and began acting as if we were a couple. When pressed about whether I was am his gf and whether we are in a relationship he says that he acknowledges that completely. Contrast back to a year ago when he said I would never be and we could never have a relationship, only something casual where we would not go on dates, or share in any romance (which we do regularly now)…. Hmmm is this someone who is clear about what he wants and sticks to his word? Is this someone I really can take at face value, or is this someone scared, who changes, but needs time to adjust. The more I seem to lay down what I want on the table, the more he seems to move in that direction. He definitely still challenges at first, but it’s like he dips his toes in, sees there isn’t a threat and decides to stay for a while and see what happens. He was keeping his options open for some time there, but has since cut off all seeking elsewhere behaviour and has said he will not be doing that anytime soon. I’m not ruling out that behaviour as something that couldn’t return, but I could not be around for that. Around Valentine’s day that was what I was most upset about, and when i asked him whether he was still doing it, it was going to be my deal breaker that day. If he was I was going to bow out. Same with asking him whether he would move in together. This was something I thought would shock him and yet he’d been thinking about it on his own before I brought it up, to the extent that he’d pictured where we could live and how our furniture would mesh. I do not feel that someone who can’t picture any sort of future with you, wonders whether they could live with you. That is definitely not a move he would see as short term or as a temporary measure. There is nothing he would gain financially or even really emotionally from that move. I mean to say that it would be entirely new territory for him (in that he’s never done it with a woman before) and it would be a move of investment. So to go from saying he would never want a relationship with me, to considering moving in with me a year later (on his own) is progress. Yes, his major fear of what all of that means seems to be ever present. His doubt of whether he’d be disappointed or he’d disappoint me is still there. He still says I could find a man who is more emotional than him and wouldn’t be so afraid of commitment. These are clearly things he is insecure about and feels that I am displeased about when I do bring up the future. This seems to send him into a tailspin because it contradicts that my happiness in the relationship and probably signals to him that I may never be okay with how things are, taking them day by day. In my eyes though, while partly driven by my anxiety, each time I ask, I ask because I have seen changes in him and progress and I feel that the answer may be different this time. Each time his answer is a little different, and has gone from a complete no, to yes we are this, to let me think about the rest. I don’t think he considers anything in a rash manner, but I also don’t believe that he’s operating from a state of awareness about how he feels. This isn’t just an observation based on our relationship, but how he responds to other people and events in his life. He doesn’t seem to connect the emotional dots so to speak. He will mention a negative event in his life and immediately following that event, feel sad, but be unsure of as to why. He is emotionally convoluted still and he would need to do some clearing of the trees, to be able to see the forest.

Just as I have my own struggles and things to work on, he does as well. The one thing he does not and cannot seem to give me is the security of the future, and yet he admits that this past year he has been completely wrong about what he saw for us. So perhaps he’s not sending me the most reliable signals, maybe his vision is a little clouded. I also tend to spend so much time thinking about what it is that someone else sees, that when they tell me what I see, I seem to forget that I don’t have to adopt that as my own vision, that I see something all on my own.

And yet I stay because what he offers me is not anything short of what I would write on the positive qualities side if I did do your paper exercise Luz. He offers me kindness, continued support, reliability in companionship, affection (never withholds that), slowly but surely more expressions of love, consideration for my opinion and my emotions, and we have a chemistry in and out of the bedroom that is hard to find. He is funny and we share a similar sense of humour. This to me is major and I cannot be without that. I don’t easily find that. In terms of long term compatibility I feel that we could share a nice life and enjoy various activities together. The things that remain an issue are the bigger areas of commitment, like living together, marriage and kids. One funny thing is that he always seems to happy about the idea of me getting pregnant. Go figure.

Surprisingly, the depression and binge drinking mostly just affect him and his view of things for the future. Which of course affects me, but they don’t really change his behaviour day to day, or while he is with me. He just becomes a bit more jolly when he drinks. Nothing obnoxious or detrimental to the relationship. He doesn’t do it instead of spending time with me, there is no lack with that habit. And they’re not necessarily deal breakers for that reason, they’re just flags and things I’d need to monitor over time. They’re not extremely desirable qualities no, but everyone comes with something. I suppose the things I’d write on my negative deal break qualities side of the paper would be disengaged with me, no passion, no humor, unkind, uncooth haha, fooling around, no job and no desire to find one etc etc. In terms of whether I want and need marriage and kids, they’re not something I need to have. I would want to be exclusive and share life with someone and to be equally excited about doing that. So it’s really hard to say that he could never get there, as he has demonstrated that he is unsure of what he wants, and he had shown progress even in the face of his own stubbornness to show any at all.