Dear Michelle,

I too wish you well. It’s good that you’re creating some boundaries, certain “deal breakers”, and aren’t tolerating some of his old behaviors any more. If he makes you happy on a day-to-day basis, and you can let go of thinking about the future for a while, then the relationship could function, I guess, without you suffering in it.

I will make less plans unless he asks to do something. I want to see how he feels when he isn’t simply submitting to me because I’m around, but when he decides “hey where is she, what is she doing?”

Good that you intend to let him take the initiative and show interest in you, and doing things together, rather than you always initiating it and hovering above him. I don’t know how your current dynamic looks like, but it wouldn’t be good if he does things just because he feels he has to please you (almost like “please mommy”). I’ve been in one such unequal relationship, and there was a parent-child dynamic, not two grown-ups interacting. I don’t know how much this is true for your relationship, but it’s good that you intend to change it and allow him more autonomy and self-expression.

It will have to be something inside of him that changes

Yes, true change can only come from within. He may be stretching his limits and changing his behavior to accommodate for your needs, but eventually, he will have to figure out what it is that he really wants, independent of you or anyone else’s influence.