Dear Brandy,

What you are referring is to is letting go. I’ve let go. I truly have. I don’t sit there and dwell on what I have lost or why I don’t have what I want. I just don’t feel well. That’s the problem. There is no balance between stress and peace. I am deep in job searching\interviewing with these soulless corporations and being rejected one after another. Then the rest of the time is spent studying and getting ready for certification exams. And struggling because I have minor ADHD and it’s hard to concentrate 5 hours a day on this stuff. I  often just want to drop it all and get a trucker license so I can drive trucks and not have to worry about any of this, but that’s what my dad and grandpa did and I don’t want that. I believe I am capable of more. There is nothing, but stress in my life right and I have accepted this feeling. It’s been with me more or less for the last 4-5 years. I gave this example to my therapist, I am a gazelle that’s being chased down by a tiger, I am fast and agile, I can do all kinds of tricks to avoid the tiger, but at some point I get tired. The gazelle doesn’t want to give up or die, but there are physical and emotional limits set by the Universe on everyone and everything, so the gazelle gives up. I am not the gazelle and I am not giving up, but I am so tired that I simply don’t know what to look forward to. I celebrate the small wins, but there havent been any small wins. There hasn’t been anything good. Granted, there hasnt been anything really bad either, but that’s not enough. I am desperate for something good. I am trying to be my own parent and love my self, my inner child, but I am just too exhausted. The grief is great and the power to be optimistic and look forward to a better tomorrow is fleeting. But I am not giving up, If the universe me not to exist, it’s gonna have to work harder. If I die then I die, but right now I am doing what I can. Hopefully things will improve. As I wrote in my last comment, my family has disappointed me for the last time. So I am now truly alone. I am not weak and I won’t let anything or anyone break me. I’ll do what I can and if that’s not enough, well then I don’t care and then world is a crappy place, but that’s not up to me. What is up to me will be done.