Dear Sofioula,

you’re very welcome, I am glad I could help. It’s good to hear you’ve worked through some of your past problems, like submissiveness, in therapy and can now stand up for yourself and express your needs clearly. That’s great progress! Congratulations!

Your current biggest problem seems to be expectations – mostly parental and societal – around getting married and having children. You’ve been hearing from your parents that you should get married early, by 30 at latest, because after that no one will want you and you’ll die alone. This was drilled into your mind since the early age, and as the years progress, it’s making you more and more nervous, not just that you’ll disappoint your parents, but also that they may be right – that this grim destiny is awaiting you unless you do as they say…

The antidote to that is to tell yourself that you’re young and you’ve got time till at least 35 to have your first child, because your body is capable of that without problems. You’ve got many years in front of you to fall in love with a proper guy and start a family. It’s your life and your decisions. You don’t want to rush into marriage with someone only to see it break down a year later. You want the best for yourself – so no settling for less.

However, I am also aware that “It’s your life and your decisions” may not be that easy for you to accept, since in your childhood, it didn’t seem like that. You were denied to be sad or angry or upset. You were expected to be a sunshine girl, strong, confident and happy. You were beautiful so how could you have any problems at all – was the message your parents gave you. They denied you a part of your life experience – so it wasn’t really your life, but theirs.

Both of your parents had expectations not just about what you should do with your life, but how you should behave. You can’t be sad! You can’t be upset! You have to stay silent when something bothers you – was what your mother told you. They laughed at and brushed off your “petty” problems. This is how they claimed your life and practically imprisoned you in a persona that is unreal, that isn’t you.

Have you worked with that in therapy? Have you allowed yourself to feel and express all emotions, including the “negative” ones? Because that would be the first step to reclaiming your life, emotion by emotion, life experience by life experience…

The other problem you talked about in your previous threads is the fear of making mistakes. You said you’ve got mortal fear of making mistakes. Mostly because of your father, because he thought they can never be reversed (“I have a morbid fear of mistakes. They can never be reversed in my dad’s head and so in my head“.). When trying to make a decision, this is what it looked like for you:

Second guessing, guilt tripping, anxiety and horror. That’s why I don’t really know what I want. What if I don’t want good things?

We all make mistakes, making mistakes is human – that’s how we grow. If you’re denied the right to make mistakes, it’s almost like you’re denied the right to be human, to learn from your own mistakes. Combine that with your parents denying you to express the full spectrum of emotions, including the negative ones – and you’re in a double bind.

Because you can’t know what you want if you’re cut off from your spontaneous impulses and emotions that were unacceptable to your parents. It’s like your internal compass was disabled… With that, you’re even more terrified to make mistakes.

Does this resonate with you and your experience?