Dear IkO9:

I read your recent post and your note to him in case he is reading. You are a good person, good and honest. I am glad that you didn’t reach out to him, at least not by the time you posted last.

Remember I wrote to you earlier that although he may be honest in that he told you about his problems and troubles, he is not trustworthy? Here is dictionary. com definition of trust: “reliance on integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc. of a person”- he was not sure about you, he was not able to maintain a relationship with you (breaking up with you multiple times), he didn’t have the strength to even stay on his own thread for more than a day, and he does not display integrity: telling you about his problems but not working to resolve them.

In regard to you: on one hand you are afraid of being alone, on the other hand, you have difficulty being together with people (“I have difficulty even enjoying myself in a group. I become awkward..”). It is not surprising to me because the kind of togetherness you had when your sister was part of the mix was one of aggression and betrayal of your trust. This fear of togetherness may be why your first relationship of three years consisted of you seeing the guy only six times, and your second relationship of 2.5 years consisted of you and him being physically together for only six weeks. All together, you were physically together with these two men for about 2 months out of 5.5 years.

If you want a relationship and marriage that includes physical proximity, you will need to no longer do long-distance relationships, but meet a man that lives close by.

I know it is not practical at this time: yesterday alone in India, more than 185 thousand Covid cases were recorded, more than on any other day since the beginning of the pandemic; more cases than recorded in any other country yesterday. Maybe it is time now to understand your fear of being in the company of others better, so that you will be better prepared, when it is safe, to meet an honest and trustworthy man in-person for the purpose of a healthy marriage.

Keep yourself safe and well!

anita