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  • #351214
    Ik09
    Participant

    17 months ago, I fell in love. The relationship does not exist today. This was my last letter to him

    Hi!

    I think it was my obsession to have a guy in my life who
    truly loved me. One who loved my weirdness, my craziness,
    my dramatic self, one who wasn’t ashamed to hold my hand
    and show me to the world that I am his.

    I think I built my aspirations too far ahead and didn’t
    realise that these things don’t live in a guy’s mind-It
    is a girl’s fantasy. When drunk, you used to say a lot of
    things that girls want to hear and I felt that this was
    it, the love I was hoping to enjoy and live in this
    lifetime. I kept unrealistic expectations from you and
    each time they didn’t go through I was lost. I mean when I
    had decided to meet you for a date, I had kept in my mind
    that if it didn’t work out, I will not punish myself again
    instead realise that it was a good experience and although
    never indulge in such spontaneous things again but not
    think about it a lot and treat like a casual relationship.

    But when I met you alone, I felt like I knew you from a
    long time. The concepts of soulmate and twin flame and
    what not kept coming in my mind. I didn’t want to let you
    go, you were precious in my eyes. A handsome man who was
    not only intelligent and sensitive, had lived a social
    life similar
    to mine and understood me on a much deeper plane, a plane
    where it was impossible to understand anyone unless they
    have lived their life. Perhaps you felt it all too that is
    why you used to ask me why i was so good when I didn’t
    complain and understood when you were busy or tired.

    When things went sour on your end, it hurt me bad. I think
    i became a little egostical too because it hurt so bad
    that despite me doing nothing wrong, I ended up single
    again. I didn’t quite understand what was wrong- was I
    wrong? Didn’t I deserve a happy relationship?

    In all this, i hurt myself again and again. I told myself
    that the next time he texts, don’t reply. Stop both yours
    and his pain right here but did I? No I didn’t, my friends
    in college said I was a masochist and I liked it secretly.
    That I should be the only option in your life and not “one
    of the options” yet I was lost in my aspirations that how
    can I let something that I fought for so much go to waste?
    I forgot one major thing- happiness of both parties.

    I am sorry for all the discomfort I have caused you from
    my love for drama. I just wanted you to someday love me back
    and for it to last. I forgot how it can’t be forced. I had
    kept all pictures and all beautiful texts you sent in the
    start because I was so sure that this will last and you
    will be a part of my future. I have realised my madness
    and everything I have kept will be deleted by the time you
    read this.

    Imagining to have a partner like you want and actually
    getting him is two different things. People who don’t get
    them find the next better person. I currently am in no
    state to even engage in normal conversations with people
    and supposedly I am pursuing MBA in Marketing. But I know
    I will be better, I was better when I met you when I was a
    mess a year before that. So, in all honesty, I will tell
    you why i fought uselessly that day. I had asked in my
    prayers that I was tired of the confusion of our relation
    so if you were meant to stay in my life, let him send a
    text to me on his own without me starting a conversation.
    And you were sick that day so no texts came to me. Stupid!
    I know but I lost all hope that you thought of me at all
    if I didn’t interupt or kept disturbing you while you
    worked. My stupid brain did not grasp the reality that
    you could be sick even and that if Universe had to send me
    signs, it wouldn’t have given you back to me even if it
    was just as a friend for now. I kept thinking all kinds of
    stupid thoughts in my head till i connected it to all
    things that went wrong between us. when we fought that
    night, I kept thinking how I killed my happiness by my own
    hands and blamed myself, thought that no amends can be
    made and then made the situation even worse till you
    finally left.

    I don’t think very highly of people and if I felt
    you were so fantastic that it couldn’t be true that you
    were real. I kept forgiving your indulgence with other
    women just because I felt that you were not a bad person
    and I can’t lose you. When I had myself drawn this
    boundary when we first met that I wouldn’t tolerate
    cheating. I broke my own boundaries, I made a mistake
    again. I let my love for you conquer my love for myself.
    This is why I stopped speaking. Remember how I used to
    tell my deepest and darkest secrets to you as well. I
    haven’t spoken about those to anyone.

    When things ended in December, I decided not to speak so
    that I know whether I could survive on my own or not.
    I was sick the whole of December and rarely went out of
    my bed, i avoided people. When in January I did start
    going to college, I made sure that I was drunk in the
    evenings so I don’t think of you. I have attended many
    quizzes and classes drunk without others knowing. I knew
    I was doomed. Then finally one day I realised that I
    needed to be normal if not happy, I can’t live all my days
    like this. The drinking did not stop though. Then one day
    you texted again. I wanted you back so much but what I
    did not realise that each time I let you come back, I
    chose you again over me. I knew you wouldn’t stay. I so
    wished I was a man. If a man grieved like this, others
    don’t see him as bad but a girl can’t be this way. She is
    considered something very bad and sinister even. She is
    expected to cry in her bed for a few days and then be like
    everything is alright and date someone new. But what if
    your intuition, your every part keeps telling you that he
    was the one and now he is gone so you will be alone always.
    Thr truth is I am not like you, you said it wouldn’t hurt,
    It hurts to the point that it consumes me entirely.

    Eventually we stopped talking again, I was so deep in the
    dark that time. I spent most of my evenings alone sitting
    on top of a underground subway passage on top of the highway. Drunk, I used to think what if
    someday you thought of me, someday you chose me over all
    the worries of this world and came to see me. One day when
    you will tell me again that you felt safe and happy
    in my lap and in my embrace.

    I realised slowly that I had built expectations again.
    once again i was hurting myself and that this time I can’t
    hurt myself more. Once again I gathered my strength and
    started walking again. You popped up again. Right on the
    day I came back home. By this time I was so scared of you,
    I was so unsure when you will leave that I kept thinking
    that i should leave before you decide to do so.
    that way perhaps I will be able to be safe from the hurt.
    the thing I said on your birthday was a result. When you
    said you wanted to do it still. I was surprised and as
    usual wanted to stay with you. But I realised soon that it
    wasn’t going to change- situation. Too much had gone on
    and without fixing it first, we couldn’t do anything but I
    realised you needed to focus on your career than this. And
    kept letting those thoughts hurt me again and again. I
    felt that only through staying in touch with calls and
    video calls can we start trusting one another again- when
    we choose to depend on each other when disturbed instead
    of keeping it within us- it is a concious decision but i
    think it is not something you feel you should do.

    I was full of fear. I loved you all through. All of the 17
    months. You kept asking if I felt anything less. I did.
    I developed fear, that wanted to suppress my love for you
    but did the love lessen. Not a bit. I question the
    universe everyday why? Why I couldn’t have a normal love
    story like everyone else? Why I couldn’t get the man I so
    wanted in my life, to take care of each other, to live
    alongside as partners, as advisors, to sing crazy songs
    with me,to dance with me, cook with me and manage the
    house with me, to have a family with me, to take care
    of the existing family- to bid them farewell one
    by one, to manage each others’ finances, to help build
    our dreams, to hug and hold when down and point out faults
    when wrong, to make each other better people. But I think
    it was these expectations that ruined it for me. We often
    see our parents and want what they have and end up in
    such miseries.

    I know you hate me writing such essays so i will finish it
    now. This is my goodbye letter to you. If any of my words
    have hurt you or made you sad, please forgive me. Don’t
    see me as a mistake of your life, I don’t want you to hate
    me ever in your life. I know you want silence and peace
    that is why sent this email and not texts on whatsapp.
    I kept waiting each time we stopped talking thus the pain.
    I don’t want pain now. I hope my love for you culminates
    into something productive and beautiful. I always wish the
    best for you and I know you will be taking care of
    your own self so I won’t repeat it…

    Bye.

    (p.s-I wrote several letters to you in these 17 months,
    I am deleting them all now.)

    I wrote this letter long few days back and had decided to
    send when I was ready to let go of you.

    This is just for your knowledge, I neither want to be
    pitied nor do i require your help. This has happened twice
    now, happened even when we were talking with each other
    that is in the start of April. I kept quiet each time
    others say anything to me these days. No matter what I do
    is never good enough and then listening complaints and
    how bad I am and how i shall never have anyone in my life
    and how I shall always be alone in my life, How acc. to
    my own blood, I am planning day and night another dramatic
    stint to disturb other people’s lives and how I enjoy the
    mental trauma others go through by fighting.

    Acc. to me, I always go to do something else but it ends
    up being something else in other people’s eyes. It is
    drama but I just want to convey my thoughts.

    A few days back, I was constantly being shouted on, non
    stop complaints- about how I am perfectly useless and how
    I cannot do anything. It caught on to me and that is the
    last I remember. I remember the actions of my body but I
    don’t remember what was going in my mind and what I was
    thinking regarding the action.

    I screamed and screamed. As if I was being killed. Kept
    hitting my head with my hands and kept asking them to stop
    talking. Nobody was speaking but I kept hitting myself
    till my mum came and held both my hands. I pushed her away
    a little then sister came and held my hands and she said
    something I don’t remember but calmed me down.

    I cried later thinking about it. I thought of telling you
    then but then I realised it happened once so this would
    only scare you. As it is you think I am a child and not
    able to handle anything and this would have just worsened
    matters.

    But in between I fought with you and things ended between
    us.

    Then one day again same thing happened. Sister started it,
    then mum took over…this time I was crying and on the
    floor begging them to shut up, I remember hearing maa say
    “You don’t even die, just bring disgrace to us” she said
    it in anger to make me stop but I ran towards the terrace,
    Aum caught me in the way and pushed me so that i stop. I
    sat there and cried and asked them all to go and leave me
    alone. But nobody left, they kept saying things, I started
    hitting the back of my head on the wooden swing in my
    drawing room. Papa generally stays away but he got angry
    and hit me few times, kicked me few times till I stopped
    and kept crying curled up. I remember feeling no pain at
    all at that time. My brother kept sitting there, he told me later
    that he was afraid that I might try dying if he left. I
    kept crying till I stopped being able to breathe and heavy
    breathing started, they got scared and brought me water
    and forced fed me water and then took me to bed and asked
    me to sleep. I remember gaining all thoughts back at one
    point of time and I felt so scared. That I who is so scared
    of hurting myself nearly busted my head open by hitting it
    and that was it. I realised this will only become worse,
    never going to be okay. I am damned for life now.

    Yesterday when I sent you the song, I did not want to gain
    anything out of it but you saying you got nostalgia that
    too about your best friend as if I was a piece of cardboard hurt
    really bad. I kept pleading you everyday to go home when
    corona first broke out and when I said good that I forced
    you to go, you laughed and said it was because of your
    mum and sister. Did I never matter?
    Can’t boys say once what is reality instead of putting on
    airs?!

    I am never going to destroy anyone’s life now and I will
    stay on my own always. I will be honest about my mental
    state with whoever approaches and will be on my own.

    Everything I touch becomes worse. All my life.

    Now what I want from you is never talk to me, I know you
    wouldn’t but please don’t even care. I will manage to
    get whatever it is that I should be getting.

    You will also get what you should be getting so no need to
    worry about you as well.

    SO this is It. GoodBye!

    And don’t text after this. As I said I don’t want neither
    your pity nor your support. I am fine on my own.

     

     

     

    This was his reply :

    One small advice. Please don’t think that a girl matters to a guy only if he always tells good things to her, like she is the reason for his good decisions, she is the first person that came to his mind thinking about a past event. Please don’t think these as a measure to understand if the guy truly loves or matters a girl. In real life any guy cannot be always telling flattering stuff to his gf. And it is okay. Just an advice from side. Take care.

     

    I am hurt and I don’t know how to be okay at the moment. I feel as if whatever I did was always taken in a negative sense. Please help someone, I have turned into a person who talks to nobody about her issues and end up keeping it all locked and causing myself more harm. I wasn’t this way. I was the problem solver, the person who had answers to everything. I am pleading for help right now though. I don’t think it is just the break up which is affecting me…I have loved him a lot, i still do but I can’t be breaking myself over a man, can I ? AM  I?

    • This topic was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by Ik09.
    • This topic was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by Ik09.
    #351220
    Ik09
    Participant

    Also I have become less patient than before and forget a lot of things, and I have started detesting company as if there is nobody whom I can tell about myself. I had left his name in this letter by mistake and I was so afraid and until I edited it I felt really scared.

    #351242
    Ik09
    Participant

    Throughout the day today, He was angry about the letter and kept commenting all day and I who had not actually opened my mouth and spoken about my issues… replied one word answers. Then he suddenly called, He said some mean things and I ended the call then he called again and I didn’t respond. I knew that he felt guilty somewhere and so I called back and he listened and listened and then spoke finally. I listened too. I suddenly feel so much at peace but I don’t want to be dependent on anybody to be calm and happy. I want to be whatever I be, on my own.

    #351266
    anita
    Participant

    Dear IpkR09:

    “I question the universe everyday, why? Why I couldn’t have a normal love story.. Why I couldn’t get the man I so wanted in my life to take care of each other, to live alongside as partners.. to have a family with me”?

    You answered your own question in this thread: “I am sorry for all the discomfort I have caused you from my love for drama“.. I know you want silence and peace”.

    The answer to your question: you don’t have a calm, stable love relationship with him because you love drama and he wants silence and peace.

    Here is some of your love for drama as you described in this thread: “I am planning day and night another dramatic stint to disturb other people’s lives and how I enjoy the mental trauma others go through by fighting…It is drama…I remember the actions of my body but I don’t remember what was going in my mind an what I was thinking regarding the action. I screamed and screamed. As if I was being killed. Kept hitting my head with my hands.. I kept hitting myself till my mum came and held both my hands. I pushed her away a little, then sister came and held my hands… I was crying and on the floor begging… I ran towards the terrace.. I started hitting the back of my head on the wooden swing in my drawing room.. I kept crying till I stopped being able to breathe and heavy breathing started, they got scared and bought me water and forced fed me water.. nearly busted my head open by hitting it”.

    Here is some of your love for drama from your previous thread, May 2018 (regarding a breakup with a previous long distance boyfriend): “Please help me!.. He said he felt like I was an emotional baggage.. the fact that I could not even stay away for three days makes him think he made the right decision.. he hung up  on me. He texted me later that he was sorry that he hung up but he could not take it… We used to break up in initial days to get back together within 20 mins to an hour.. In the afternoon he called and said that let’s stop the dramatics“.

    Here is some of your love for drama from your previous thread, December 2018, regarding your new boyfriend: “I warned this guy too that due to such reasons, there will be a lot of drama and stress. ”

    And from April 2019, about the same new boyfriend: “He is unhappy still that my sister does not approve.. he had expressed his lover for me and in fact, wants to get married to me as well. I, however, don’t want to rush things with him.. me and my guy got into a nasty fight. Although we recovered but he said let’s take things slow.. and let the hurt go away.. He seems mentally exhausted. Now, I recover fast from any kind of issues.. but he takes more time”-

    – he wanted to marry you, but you love drama and you recover fast from drama, but your drama exhausted him. Not to say that this man or the man before him were perfect (the previous boyfriend was rude and cruel at times), but even if you were involve with a perfect man, your love for drama would ruin the relationship.

    Here is what psychologytoday. com has in a blog on “excessive attention seeking and drama addiction”: “Drama causes (the brain) to secrete endorphins, which are the pain-suppressing and pleasure inducing compounds, which heroin an other opiates mimic… since drama uses the same mechanism in the brain as opiates, people can easily  become addicted to drama. Like any addiction, you build up a tolerance that continuously requires more to get the same neurochemical effect… you need more and more crises to get the same thrill.”-

    -as you were “crying and on the floor begging.. ran towards the terrace.. started hitting the back of my head” etc., these very behaviors that appear as being motivated by pain, are really motivated by pleasure. How strange, isn’t it: people observing these behaviors are likely to think that pain is the motivation, while in reality pleasure is the motivation.

    The people that did observe these behaviors were your sister, your mother, papa (your father or your grandfather, I don’t know). In previous threads you shared that when you were born, a second daughter, your paternal grandfather was displeased that you were a baby girl  and wanted you to be given away for adoption. Your mother arranged for her mother to take you in. Years later you were returned to your parents and paternal grandfather’s home. Your older sister by five years, somehow took the leadership in the family aggressively and has been abusive to you lifetime. You wrote that your greatest fear has been to be left alone.

    I suppose drama brings you the attention you crave, having people there with you, focused on you; grabbing their attention via drama keeps them there with you.

    anita

     

     

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by anita.
    #351272
    Ik09
    Participant

    I think I agree with you. But I don’t even get to know if i have created some kind of Drama. I want to be normal as well- I cannot vouch for my ex anymore, but this guy …so much has happened with so many mistakes on both ends yet I am telling you he is a very good person. I want to be normal and not Destroy my happiness and other’s happiness. That will be the last thing I want, I am not enjoying it, not with him, not with others. I want to change, please help me. I don’t want anyone to remember me this way later in their lives. I don’t know when and what exactly I do that creates drama and I thought perhaps it’s my poor anger management. Please help me understand this. Please help me change.

    #351274
    Ik09
    Participant

    I think I agree with you. But I don’t even get to know if i have created some kind of Drama. I want to be normal as well- I cannot vouch for my ex anymore, but this guy …so much has happened with so many mistakes on both ends yet I am telling you he is a very good person. I want to be normal and not Destroy my happiness and other’s happiness. That will be the last thing I want, I am not enjoying it, not with him, not with others. I want to change, please help me. I don’t want anyone to remember me this way later in their lives. I don’t know when and what exactly I do that creates drama and I thought perhaps it’s my poor anger management. Please help me understand this. Please help me change.

    #351276
    anita
    Participant

    Dear IpkR09:

    Let’s look into it then. But to look into it, you will need to be calm, so before you read or re-read what I wrote to you above and what I write to you next, take a few deep breaths, and relax. We can’t think clearly when anxious, so do calm down and be back to your thread when you are calm. When you are calm, do answer the following questions:

    1. You wrote: “I think I agree with you. But I don’t even get to know if I have created some kind of Drama”-

    – if you agree with me that you love drama (your words: “my love for drama”), then how is it that you don’t even know if you created any kind of drama; in other words, did you or did you not create drama in your relationship with this man as well as in your home hitting yourself, etc.?

    2. You wrote: “I am not enjoying it, not with him, not with others”-

    – if so, what did you mean by “I am planning day and night another dramatic stint to disturb other people’s lives and how I enjoy the mental trauma others go through”?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by anita.
    #351362
    Ik09
    Participant

    1. I kept thinking again and again about it. I realized few things. Here when i used “my love for drama” he has said this but I agreed for it because I was seeking forgiveness for anything that I did and if this was something which he considered my problem i better apologise for it.

    But I realized meaning of drama in all this- Saying or doing things I don’t mean. Like i used to often tell him during fights to just leave me alone when he couldn’t understand my point of view. I think this was drama. I wanted him there and understand no matter how many tries it took to understand.

     

    2.”How acc. to
    my own blood, I am planning day and night another dramatic
    stint to disturb other people’s lives and how I enjoy the
    mental trauma others go through by fighting.” I meant my sister thinks this.  My sister often tells me this but the day he said that I love drama, I felt maybe she is right too and so I said this. Although this isn’t true. How can anybody plan their actions, I mean who has that kind of time?

    The hitting myself thing I just wanted everyone to stop and leave me alone. My sister keeps complaining about me, every time I see her alone with one of my parents, I hear her talking about me- How I am not as I seem I am and how I am a very convoluted person. Soon even when I was sitting in the room She will start complaining about how I don’t do anything in the house. The thing is I have online classes of my MBA degree and a research paper to write alongside one diploma and one Masters in Arts going on. So I am in my room all day doing all of that and when I know that she and I can’t be in the same place for long I started being alone with my books and laptop in another room away from them all. This was an opportunity for her to speak about me all the time to my mum and father(papa). So whenever she is complaining, I keep quiet, both my parents as well because if I speak, it turns into a full-fledged fight and that they don’t want.

    The first day as well, I just wanted her to keep quiet. when she went overboard I started screaming, I screamed for her to stop talking first then just to leave me alone. And then I don’t know what got over me, I was just tired that day it was too much but after the incident she told my mother again how I had created drama to gain sympathy.

    I let it go and then she again does the next day. As if she is doing so much. I am acting like a child, ain’t I?

    The second day as well, it was her again. She doesn’t know when to stop and my mind explodes and these days unlike like before I am not able to tolerate the nonsense and I act out, It is not to gain attention. Trust me Anita, without trying I get plenty of that, I am not an extrovert and so it is often unwelcome.  Even in my MBA school in the beginning of the programme they ask students to take a psychometric and analytical ability tests, i scored well. They have a policy to take such students for student councils. Although since I have done this Council and being the President thing during my bachelors and I hate the politics behind it all. It made me really weary of people and I had decided not to do it again here but When I declined the council post, my college’s director told me either there is no option of No, there is only Yes because as a manager you cannot decline the decisions of the management, With no choice left I continued, but obviously there are many who think that they can do it better than me. I even invited them plain and simple to do it and I will resign but all they do is complain and nothing else. I slowly started being alone, eating alone( all three meals), spending my evenings alone, sat in class alone and I think it has made me less tolerant with people. I am not able to listen to people complaining for a long time.

    I am complaining again. I shouldn’t.

    #351392
    anita
    Participant

    Dear IpkR09:

    1. Regarding drama with your boyfriend: you wrote that “your love for drama” were his words to you.  You wrote to him: “I am sorry for all the discomfort I have caused you from my love for drama.. I know you want silence and peace”.

    You wrote about your boyfriend on Dec 2018 that he was “polite and respectful and understanding and encouraging.. patient with people, took time to understand matters and tried solving things… a rather ethical man and unfortunately a people pleaser”-

    – there is no reason for you to be dramatic with him: he is polite and respectful, understanding, ethical and patient- why stress him  out and disturb him with your dramatic behavior?

    Leave him in peace!!!

    2. Regarding your drama with your sister: your sister is very, very different from your polite, respectful, understanding, ethical and patient boyfriend. She is the extreme opposite: impolite, disrespectful, doesn’t bother to understand others; she is selfish, unethical and impatient:  “my sister never discusses anything.. it’s always she speaking her mind and then walking off”. When you asked for her approval regarding your boyfriend, she went back on her word to you, approving your boyfriends then she didn’t: “she totally went back on her words”.

    She talked badly about you and about your boyfriend to your parents, and she talked badly about your boyfriend to his own friends and flat mates, behind his back: “painted the worst kind of image of the guy.. poisoned their minds against me in general and then against the guy.. She ruined his reputation amongst his friends, their mutual friends, and his flat mates… naturally she knew his secrets. She bared them all to his friends”.

    She invaded your privacy as if it is her right to do so, and she is vengeful: “She had gone through my old phone when I was in college.. She saw my conversations with my ex and shared them with my mother and when she saw even that didn’t bother me, then with my dad as well.”

    You wrote the above about your sister in Dec 2018 and April 2019. A year later, April 2020, you wrote: “My sister keeps complaining about me, every time I see her alone with one of my parents, I hear her talking about me- how I am not as I seem a I am and how I am a very convoluted person. Soon even when I was sitting in the room, she will start complaining.. whenever she is complaining, I keep quiet, both my parents as well because if I speak, it turns into a full-fledged fight and they don’t want”.

    It is understandable that when in her company, you get dramatic: “when she went overboard, I started screaming, I screamed for her to stop talking first then just to leave me alone.. She doesn’t know when to stop and my mind explodes”.

    You wrote that this drama with her was not motivated by you needing attention, and I believe you: I believe that you don’t want your sister’s aggressive attention!

    3. Here is what is not making sense in your story: that you and your boyfriend, knowing who your sister is, want her approval for anything at all.

    What is the point of you and him gaining all that formal, higher education (him being a software engineer and you working on another MBA), what is the use of all that information the two of you are acquiring, if you don’t apply this basic piece of information: it is very unwise to look for the approval of an unethical, vengeful, selfish person; it is very unwise to choose to give power to a person who has the long history of abusing her power.

    I believe that you should never live with your sister, and if she lives with your parents, then you need to not live with your parents. Living away from her, and otherwise not being in her presence, you will have the opportunity to have peace of mind, and to expand this peace of mind to your boyfriend, future husband and children, if you choose to have children.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by anita.
    #377353
    Ik09
    Participant

    It’s been quite some time since I last wrote.

    I moved out of home in this time, my interactions with my sister are on the minimum and the guy i dated for last 2.5 years just left me yesterday saying he is unable to make up his mind about marriage and wants me to meet guys as a part of arranged marriage system as approved by my parents.

    I tried a lot, so much in fact that I feel drained now. I am here however Anita because I feel really angry. At my sister to have interfered in my life at the first place and also at this guy who said this to me after 2.5 years of me struggling every single day.

     

    Also the common feelings after a breakup have come back, I feel like shit. Everyone says I am perfect woman that everyone wants in their life, yet not one person who isn’t commitment phobic enters my life. Did I do something wrong? I did go crazy in between, I just wanted to end the cycles of dating. I knew the guy was nice, cared for me but when the time came for him to embrace me like I did for him at every step when he had anxiety attacks, when he was struggling with switching companies, with his family, with friends and finances. I helped out everywhere and in return, he became such that he didn’t even bother asking if I was okay or not.

     

    He started behaving in the exact same manner as my ex when he left. He wasn’t ready for marriage although his parents want us to be engaged soon. Even my ex had told me that he wanted to explore more women, have sex with as many women as he could before he made a decision to marry someone. He said the same, he says it is not like it is you or some other woman I want to marry. It is you or my single life. I haven’t been with a lot of women and I want to be with them, he recently revealed that he is addicted to masturbation and did not feel any pleasure whenever we did it. I feel so lost. Everything, all things are suddenly bothering me together.

    Do I have an issue with my body or am I not capable of keeping a man in my life. I have been angry very few times with him, When the last posts were written- I was struggling in reality( I had a series of anxiety attacks the entire year till I got hold of them) I still get them but I control them at the initial stages itself.

    I have a decent job now. I have two master’s degrees. I can take care of people mentally, also know all the basic things a human should know in order to survive. And yet, I am in this position. I don’t want to settle for a man through an arranged marriage. I always wanted to be swept off my feet like so many of my friends were. They had issues too- they worked them out together and are happy together now.

    I tried so hard, was patient, and stuck with him for so long despite the issues around masturbation(he uses webcam services when very aroused during a hangover and would apologize later) I had at first put my foot down but then he pleaded that he knew it was sick and he wanted to get better and not do this. I had to drill down the fact that it is online prostitution to control it a bit. But now, I feel so mentally tired Anita. What do I do? I don’t feel ready to let anyone in ever again.

     

    the weird fact is, not even him. I feel he hurt me so bad and yet did not think once before saying that I should meet the guys my parents are lining up and get married to, if I like any of, them.

    Please help me. I am unable to even cry. My mind keeps stopping me saying don’t waste your tears over such people and yet at the same time I have a very heavy heart. I feel mentally abused and drained. My family expects me to give an answer about us as a situation soon as my sister gets married this month so they will focus on me soon. My parents want me to get married by next year and I feel so pressured especially when I have been ditched by the man I thought will be my life partner.

     

    please help me

    #377362
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear lpkR09,

    I’ve taken a look at your previous thread (“Is taking a break okay?”), as well as this one, which you started about one year ago. You say that “the guy i dated for last 2.5 years just left me yesterday”. I guess that means you got back together with him since your last break-up one year ago, right? But now you broke up definitely, since he isn’t ready to marry you.  He says he wants to be with other women before finally settling down. He tells you to get married with someone arranged, someone your parents will approve of.

    You’ve waited for this guy for 2.5 years, you thought he’s your soul mate because he could understand you so well, you loved him a lot. But he wasn’t that sure about you. At the beginning of your relationship, he was very eager to get the approval of your parents and sister (possibly because he previously had a bad experience of being rejected by his ex’s parents). Getting the approval of your parents and sister turned out to be an impossible mission, since your sister is jealous of you and outright against you, and your parents seems to believe her more than you. In spite of this, your boyfriend was pretty keen to get her approval.

    Later, as both of you decided to take things slow and take time to get to know each other, he seems to have lost interest in you. Your relationship was long distance, and he was engaging in online pornography and told you he doesn’t get pleasure from having sex with you. Still, you tolerated it because he showed some remorse and promised not to do it again (he “pleaded that he knew it was sick and he wanted to get better and not do this”).

    Last April, you sent him a goodbye letter, baring your soul. In that letter you actually gave the reason for your suffering:

    “I think it was my obsession to have a guy in my life who truly loved me”.

    “When I met you alone, I felt like I knew you from a long time. The concepts of soulmate and twin flame and
    what not kept coming in my mind. I didn’t want to let you go, you were precious in my eyes. A handsome man who was not only intelligent and sensitive, had lived a social life similar to mine and understood me on a much deeper plane”.

    “I don’t think very highly of people and if I felt you were so fantastic that it couldn’t be true that you were real. I kept forgiving your indulgence with other women just because I felt that you were not a bad person and I can’t lose you”.

     

    You thought very highly of him, and in fact saw him through rose glasses. In an earlier thread you wrote: “But I had always made it clear to all of them [your family] that I may compromise with my happiness in everything else but not when it comes to choosing my life partner. You were adamant to choose your husband out of love. You wouldn’t settle for anything less. When you thought you found that love – someone who seemed like a perfect match – you were adamant to do anything to keep it.

    On the rational level, you did want to give yourself time to get to know him properly so you wouldn’t experience another disappointment, and you were telling yourself you should focus on your studies rather than obsessing about him. However, the craving for perfect love was stronger, and it blurred your vision. You wanted him so badly to be “the one” that you never complained (“you used to ask me why i was so good when I didn’t complain and understood when you were busy or tired“), and you even tolerated his pornography addiction. And then you blamed yourself for causing him “drama”.

    Actually I don’t think you caused any drama, it was your sister who accused you of that:

    “No matter what I do is never good enough and then listening complaints and how bad I am and how i shall never have anyone in my life and how I shall always be alone in my life, How acc. to my own blood, I am planning day and night another dramatic stint to disturb other people’s lives and how I enjoy the mental trauma others go through by fighting.”

    And: “A few days back, I was constantly being shouted on, non stop complaints – about how I am perfectly useless and how
    I cannot do anything.”

    Your sister accused you day and night, until you couldn’t take it any longer and you broke down, and had that episode where you were hitting yourself and smashing your head against a wooden swing. You had a nervous breakdown because you couldn’t take it any longer.

    After that incident, you decided:

    “I am never going to destroy anyone’s life now and I will stay on my own always. I will be honest about my mental state with whoever approaches and will be on my own.”

    You never destroyed anyone’s life – your sister and your family made you believe that. Your parents agreed to give you away because you weren’t a boy. They disowned you, basically. That’s why you feel unloved and unwanted, and are dreaming of someone who’d finally love you perfectly and completely. Your longing is legitimate – there’s someone out there who’d truly love you and respect you and be a perfect match for you. You don’t need to settle for an arranged marriage.

    BUT you’d first need to learn to love and value yourself, and realize that you don’t own anything to your family. They unfortunately don’t seem to value you as they should. As for their pressuring you to get married, you can tell them that your sister is getting married at 32, after some failed attempts, so why do you need to rush, being 5 years younger?

     

    #377364
    Ik09
    Participant

    I will make efforts, to be okay. To be better. I seem to be okay on my own but I just wish I hadn’t met this guy. I don’t know why i meet people who don’t want to stay. I still want to love someone before I decide to marry them but I am so scared.

    We did get back. Both of us could not leave the relationship and kept coming back to one another. He even approached my sister with the intention of convincing her in August and things got so bad that he had an anxiety attack when he met me next.

    Both of us got damaged. I did some online reading which said the masturbation habit could have happened because got addicted to the happy feeling one feels during orgasm. He wasn’t an addict earlier, it became worse during lockdown… especially after November. He says he is scared of marrying anyone now. It’s not me, he doesn’t want to get married at all is what he says. But kept coming back to me because he said he felt like he could never like anyone else the way he liked me.

    Thanks for listening to me Anita, I am trying to focus more on work so that I think less of this, obviously, it doesn’t work but trying hard it would.

     

    I suggested him to talk to you multiple times ’cause you are able to find answers to the problem within the description of the problem but he chose offline therapy sessions over online therapy and he wasn’t satisfied with it. Said I felt nothing felt clear even after talking to the counselor. I still wish him to be healthy and happy. He is a good man.

    #377366
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear lpkR09,

    I’m not Anita 🙂 I’ve joined this forum a couple of months ago, and have been catching up with some of the topics here.

    I don’t know why i meet people who don’t want to stay.

    I believe you’d need to learn to love and value yourself first. Then you’d meet people who also love and value you more than your previous boyfriends. You say both of them said they want to explore other women as well, as if they’d be missing something if they got married. It doesn’t have anything to do with you, but with them.

    He wasn’t an addict earlier, it became worse during lockdown…

    Possibly he wasn’t addicted to porn, but didn’t you mention he used to drink but he gave that up when the two of you met? He might have an addictive personality, i.e. a tendency to get addicted, and that’s due to some childhood trauma. He’d need to work on that in therapy. If his first counselor wasn’t a good match, he should look further. I’m sure he can find someone to help him,  if he truly wants help.

    But kept coming back to me because he said he felt like he could never like anyone else the way he liked me.

    You said you could understand each other very well, so probably he felt understood by you, and probably not judged by you either, since you were tolerant about his porn addiction.

    I am trying to focus more on work so that I think less of this, obviously, it doesn’t work but trying hard it would.

    You said the same thing while you were together – that you should try to focus more on work, rather than thinking about your relationship problems:

    “I don’t like the way I am spending too much time thinking about his moves and his behavior. I have my own work and studies to look after but then I am getting bothered.  I want to not care and be as casual as possible.  If it works,  it works.  Doesn’t then doesn’t.”

    On the rational level, you don’t want to care, you want to focus on your work. And it appears your work is very important to you because it will allow you to do something worthwhile, and when you achieve that, it will give you the right to marry by your own choice:

    “I always knew that I wanted to love and marry by my choice and I also know that to do that I need to assert my place by doing something worthwhile.  So,  getting a job and at least getting one novel published even if it is not very great was on my list.”

    So it’s almost as if you believed that a success at work will grant you the right to marry someone you love. Is that right? It appears that when you’re in a relationship with someone you love, and there are problems, you don’t allow yourself to look deeper into those problems, but you look away, becoming somewhat ambivalent, saying “If it works,  it works.  Doesn’t then doesn’t”. You escape into work because subconsciously, you believe that work comes before love, i.e. that success at work will allow you to be with your true love. So if you just focus on work, you believe that the love part will sort itself out somehow. But it doesn’t. It would need to be looked at, and if you see there are problems, they would need to be addressed. Pushing problems under a rug won’t make them go away. I think you’d need to look at this dichotomy in you, where you almost sabotage your relationship by not looking deeper into its problems.

     

    • This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by TeaK.
    #377377
    anita
    Participant

    Dear IpkRO9:

    Welcome back! I am sorry that you were in pain when you posted last, and I hope that you are feeling better as you read these words.

    First, congratulations for earning two Master Degrees and having a decent job! This means that you are capable of living independently- independently from any man and from your parents/sister!

    Whether you marry or not, and who you marry (if you choose to marry)- these are your choices to make: you are an intelligent, educated, employed, independent woman capable of and deserving to make her own life choices.

    Second, you wrote about this man back  in December 2018, that he is “polite and respectful and understanding and encouraging.. a rather ethical man and unfortunately a people pleaser”. Last we communicated was a year ago, April 2020. At that time you did not mention his pornographic activity. Today you shared that this activity existed before the lockdown and “became worse during lockdown.. especially after November”-

    – so, this “polite and respectful” man, this “rather ethical mean”, this “people pleaser” has been pleasing himself sexually in front of  a camera, transmitting the video images of his penis to anyone and everyone who is online and is interested in the viewing?

    If I understand correctly, then congratulate yourself, not only for (1) earning two master degrees, (2)  having a decent job, and therefore, for being able to live independently of any man, but also for (3) not being the wife of a man who transmits those kinds of images  all over the world-

    – you wouldn’t be content in such a marriage, would you?

    anita

    #377393
    Ik09
    Participant

    sorry TeaK, I did not see the name. I was just so sad, i feel hungry but i am unable to eat as well. It is a weird feeling.

    I usually don’t run from my issues, i solve them and then i move on but with this issue. He did not want to find a solution. Each time i want to talk about the issues surrounding us, he would say that he is tired.

    Earlier the issues were only in the surroundings and not between us then he suddenly one day told me he felt irritated at few things i do….”using heart emojis for your friends”, in my understanding heart emoji is for anyone to show care and sympathy. I have spent months and years for him to get better and talk about this. But he never showed interest from his end and when i tried, he didn’t let me talk, he would say i need sleep or i have work and would go.

     

    engaging myself in work is a way for me to just switch my mind shut. Can’t help it further.

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