I need Help...Again! - Tiny Buddha

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April 10, 2021 at 2:33 pm #377454

Ik09
Participant

TeaK,

I think I am understanding his need for approval as well, this seems right.

My sister told him that She would never let us be together and If I(IpkRO9) so wished to be with him, I need to choose between him and her and If i choose him, I will have to cut her off for life.

When he emphasized that he loved me a lot, that I was important to him, and that we have never had a normal relationship because of this issue and she fixing the damage she did at least in my home would bring us both happiness and we wouldn’t bother her anymore. She was enraged. She said that she can’t imagine a person of his status( he earned well even then but due to his parents’ debts which he was taking care of, so he struggled with his finances then) to be with me (she considers my parents’ money as ours’-the kids’)

Anyways the conversation ended with she talking really offensive things about his upbringing and his parents to which he replied that at least he isn’t dependent on his parents for his life and is independent and then he said that if we choose to be together, he would never consider her in the decision.

Before this incident, he always felt like he needed to apologize to her and needed her approval- because she told everyone that he did a really bad thing, all friends treated him like a criminal over this…for dating his friend’s younger sister.

This incident changed his mind about it all. But, he also somewhere wanted to let go of everything that reminded him of her and other friends and I was the last link.

Both of us guided one another, he finally switched jobs and two major companies tried to acquire him, and finally, he got into a dream job for most people in our country. About a month later, I got a job too. Not as great as his, obviously he is a senior in terms of work as well as education.

Today, he is stable financially. Has invested in multiple places and is content in terms of his work.

I think it is for the best to cut ties for both our mental healths.

My friends keep telling me that he will creep back in, they are like just imagine a life with him. What if he wants other women even after marriage, etc.

The thing is I want a void, for now, I don’t want to think of him. Don’t want to be reminded of him too. I want to finish the things that I have been keeping on my pending list to finish one fine day. I want that one fine day, now! I wish him happiness but I need me now, I want a lot of things. I want to have stability too. mentally, physically and financially.

About my previous ex, when we had first started- I was different but slowly when he started knowing my situation at home, he manipulated it and kept forcing me to fight at home for money.

I have a friend like him currently, These men think they know me very well. They will keep telling me nobody but me knows you best. I keep this friend to have perspective on my past and what kind of men I absolutely have to avoid, The Know-it-all pretends.

April 10, 2021 at 2:35 pm #377455

Ik09
Participant

Anita, Yes!

You are absolutely right. For both the circumstances. I think I let my feelings decide a lot. My brain needs to be in control.

April 10, 2021 at 2:47 pm #377458

Anonymous
Guest

Dear IpkRO9:

My therapist of 2011-13 taught me this equation:

Wise Mind= Rational Mind + Emotional Mind

– meaning to choose wisely we need to consider logic plus our emotions, not one or the other.

anita

April 11, 2021 at 12:13 am #377469

Tee
Participant

Dear lpkR09,

When he emphasized that he loved me a lot, that I was important to him, and that we have never had a normal relationship because of this issue and she fixing the damage she did at least in my home would bring us both happiness and we wouldn’t bother her anymore.

This was his illusion – that without your sister’s approval, you wouldn’t be able to have a happy relationship. You said that your parents weren’t necessarily against him (at least not a priori), so if he hadn’t been so sensitive, you could have lived pretty well without your sister’s presence. You wouldn’t be missing her too much in your life anyway…

But his own insecurities made him need her approval. If she approves, then he’s a “worthy man”, a man worthy of marrying into your family. She made him aware that he’s not worthy, that he’s beneath your family, both in terms of his family background and income, if I understood correctly. Societal and material status is very important to your sister, and he wasn’t a good match – is that correct?

Your sister was constantly rubbing salt into his wound of unworthiness – she reminded him again and again that he’s unworthy, that he’s not good enough… and the problem is that a part of him believed her. Specially because of his addictions. But a part of him fought for his “honor” and perhaps his parents’ honor too. He did say he had a bad experience with his ex who dumped him after her parents rejected him. And that this was a humiliation for his parents too.

I am slowly starting to understand why your sister’s approval was so important to him – it wasn’t just about him and his own worth, but also about his parents’ honor. It was a weighted and emotional topic for him. If he were sure of himself and his worth, he wouldn’t have been so upset. He would have just ignored her or even laughed at her, but like this, it was hurtful, it was rubbing salt into the wound…

In any case, it’s a pity he’s lost like this. If he’d agree to talk to a therapist, to deal with his lack of self-worth, there could be hope for him. But don’t let him come back into your life unless he decides to work on himself. Because he might return, and you might try to save him once again… but until he’s in the grip of addiction, and with such a low self-esteem, he’s just going to hurt you more.

I understand you’re feeling alone now, and it’s difficult, but as Anita said, you felt bad most of the times during your relationship and according to your own words, it was a constant struggle. Because he was questioning it and making problems from the very beginning. You did have a few occasions of happiness and bliss, but that was few and far between. It’s more that you felt a strong attachment and dedication to him, because you wanted it to work. Releasing this attachment gives you now a sense of loss. But on his side, he wasn’t very dedicated to you, he was battling his own demons. So the dedication was mostly one-sided… Keep that in mind as you’re slowly releasing that attachment, savoring the good moments, but also looking at it realistically, without the rose-colored glasses.

April 11, 2021 at 12:32 am #377470

Ik09
Participant

Yes Anita and TeaK, I have let this cycle go on for too long and there is very little space in my head right now for love and I want nobody but me to have it. Yes, it is depressing sometimes but I think instead of trying to latch myself to him, I will speak to you instead and in time, It will all be a distant memory. Fears are fears, they are meant to be irrational, aren’t they? I will have to stay strong and not give in.

I will keep in touch over the weekends or whenever I feel weak.

April 11, 2021 at 2:18 am #377471

Tee
Participant

Dear lpkR09,

it’s good you’re seeing things clearly and that you want to focus on yourself and your own needs. Loving yourself and being dedicated to yourself is now your first priority. By all means talk to us whenever you feel weak and lonely and are tempted to get in touch with him again. You said he was your kryptonite, he was weakening you, because it was hard to be with someone whose love was so hard to get. It was frustrating and exhausting. And not only that, but the constant on and off, the hope and then the disappointment, is what made it even more exhausting. Remember that when you want to reach out to him, or when he perhaps gets in touch, trying something again…. Take good care of yourself, and keep in touch <3

April 11, 2021 at 6:59 am #377476

Anonymous
Guest

Dear IpkRO9:

May 8-9, 2018, regarding a different man, a breakup: “I am not able to move on, especially because I dream about him every day, I wake up feeling awful then I work on being better and then again as soon as I am not busy. The question that why could he not call or text even once bothers me so much that it is hard to sleep well.. I always have had the fear of being left alone all my life“.

April 11, 2021: “I have a strong fear of being left alone in life.. loneliness haunts me“.

You survived the separation from the first man, and you will survive a separation from the current man. You survived a strong fear of being left alone for more than two decades, and you will continue to survive it.

To do better than just surviving, attend to that strong fear, and if/ when you feel like it: share more about this strong fear, how it feels in your body, what thoughts this fear brings about, what kinds of thoughts and activities awakens/ strengthens it, what kinds of thoughts and activities lessen it, etc.

Do keep in touch, IpkRO9!

anita

April 11, 2021 at 10:54 am #377501

Ik09
Participant

Ever Since I was a kid, I had a weird feeling…I don’t know how or why I feel like this… I always felt lonely… I felt lonelier around couples, I was so envious. I was envious of even my parents, I wanted one particular person just to me. Even Family vacation pictures, I can be seen without a smile. I enjoy things on my own and suddenly It hits me, I want someone who could see this, appreciate the view, appreciate the taste, or smell… experiences and me.

I was very young but I would sit and look at the sky all day(Told by my mum) and if I asked why I am sitting there… I used to tell everyone that I am missing my person and my parents would laugh it off.

I am understanding as I am writing this, It is a deep-rooted problem. I have waited a long long time for a companion, even my life goals were not as regular people. I was never afraid of money or my career. I knew I have studied enough to earn well whenever I try. My Freelance writing itself could fetch me enough. But I was worried about my partner.

I often would get these mental images- Me in a luxurious flat, but all alone having the best of things but nobody to share it all with.

Even a few of my stories have the undertone of this-Of people who are waiting for their love, love they have never met but only feel.

I think I fear all this soon after I experience happy moments. I feel lonelier when I see others happy and laughing together.

I smile involuntarily seeing them but crave for my own person.

I know its pathetic but this is how it feels.

April 11, 2021 at 11:26 am #377503

Anonymous
Guest

Dear IpkRO9:

I will be able to read and reply to you in about 8 hours from now, or as long as 19 hours from now.

anita

April 11, 2021 at 11:54 am #377505

Anonymous
Guest

* I am about to leave, but happened to read your recent post quickly, it ends with “I know it’s pathetic”- no, your feelings are not pathetic, not at all. Your feelings and life experience are precious, not pathetic. Will be back in about 8 or 19 hours.

anita

April 11, 2021 at 1:45 pm #377512

Tee
Participant

Dear lpkR09,

I enjoy things on my own and suddenly It hits me, I want someone who could see this, appreciate the view, appreciate the taste, or smell… experiences and me.

I believe it’s due to your early experience of not having anyone mirror you and appreciate you – since you were given away. Do you have any memories with your grandmother from that early period? Or later with her? What kind of person was she? If she was reserved and didn’t spend too much time playing and interacting with you, it’s only natural that you’re missing that “mirroring” and “witnessing” – having another person acknowledge us and be happy that we exist.

I too was given away when I was around 1.5 years old and spent some 9 months at my granny’s. I also had a very strong fear of being abandoned and also of being lonely. I remember later, when I’d come to stay at my granny’s during summer holidays, and hearing the clock ticking in the evening, and otherwise silence around me, I’d feel very lonely. It was an epitome of loneliness, and even as an adult, I would remember that clock ticking and would feel so afraid of staying alone…

April 11, 2021 at 11:28 pm #377521

Ik09
Participant

My maternal Grandmother is no more, she passed away in early 2018. I always saw her as my mother. She was extremely patient and loving. She was really kind and a very good human being and I have not heard one person speak ill of her. She was uneducated so her daughter-in-law ( my maternal aunt) used to complain that she is not very bright but that was the only person who said that about her.

I have loving memories not only from my childhood but even after I grew up. I had a weird habit as a kid, I used to pinch the tummy of the person who put me to sleep. And that happened to be my grandma and later my mum.

My mum used to sneak from the house and travel between districts to reach me on my birthdays. I knew her as an aunt, not my mum. I used to call my Grandma my ‘mum’ then.

My Paternal Grandma lost her life to cancer when my father was still in college so I never knew her but my father says she was like me. And you know it is so funny, most of my habits were similar to my grandfather. I observed him often then and found so many similarities.

I feel sorry for you TeaK. But I am sure apart from the fear of being alone, these experiences made you strong enough to deal with your demons as well as guide others to deal with theirs.

I don’t block his thoughts and so it is not bothering me day and night. As usual, the dreams began but they will end soon as well. I wish he had fought harder- his addictions and for me. Just as I did for him. But since it didn’t happen I can sit and crib and cry… Another day has begun and I must give my concentration and time to it

April 12, 2021 at 10:41 am #377537

Anonymous
Guest

Dear IpkRO9:

I re-read some of our previous communication on another thread and was reminded of/ impressed by your intelligence, insight and kindness to me and to others in your life. I was also reminded that the relationship we are discussing included repeated fights and distress, and that it was long-distance much of the time: at one point you didn’t see him for eight months. There was some romantic (maybe more) history between him and your sister, yet he was seeking her approval of his relationship with you. I hoped back in 2019 that he was wiser than what he appears to me now. Overall, it was an unsatisfactory relationship.

Yesterday, at 27.5 years old, you wrote that ever since you were a kid you “always felt lonely.. lonelier around couples.. so envious.. wanted one particular person just for me.. want someone who could.. appreciate experiences and me”. You told that your mother told you that when you were young, you looked up at the sky, and when asked why, you answered: “I am missing my person”. You wrote: “(I) crave my own person”.

April 12, 2019, exactly two years ago, you had a bad day: “the man I am seeing and I, we had a bad night yesterday and a bad day today. Yet he was there, still caring. I have never experienced this, people still caring for me when they are angry. It is not a trait I have seen in my parents”.

You shared on that same day that you were taught, by your parents, to “keep things bottled up inside”, and as a result, you were “always miserable.. caged.. unable to break through”.

What keeps us lonely is keeping things bottled in inside. We can be around people, but as long as we live in an emotional cage, we cannot enjoy a togetherness with others. It is the honest, safe emotional exchange between people that makes it possible for people to enjoy and thrive in togetherness.

I think that when you craved your “own person”, you craved one other person with whom you can break through your emotional cage.

On April 26, 2019, you shared regarding your mother, father and older sister: “since a small age my parents have bound all three of us strongly.. even if we don’t like some aspects of each other… you have to.. since she is your sister”-

– Problem is that this unit of three included an older hostile sister (“she has hurt me and my parents many times by her harsh words and deeds”, etc. December 2018) and parents who were submissive to that sister. And so, an honest, safe exchange of emotions was impossible for you, and you had to live in an emotional cage, isolated.

Even though your recent relationship was far from being satisfactory, it was a better social unit/ a better kind of Togetherness than what you experienced in the unit-of-three at home. In comparison, it was better because you had moments of honest, safe exchanges of emotions with him, and they must have felt heavenly.

Back to yesterday when you expressed your loneliness. I think that it’s the experience of being in that emotional cage where you’ve been all along, venturing out at times but back in too soon.

Question is, how to exit this emotional cage for good. I think that the adequate undoing of your loyalty to that unit-of-three is a beginning.

anita

April 12, 2021 at 12:33 pm #377554

Tee
Participant

Dear lpkR09,

your late grandmother seems like a loving, caring person. She did a fine job taking care of you, and it could be that because of that, you have a certain strength and resilience in you, that you otherwise wouldn’t have.

My mum used to sneak from the house and travel between districts to reach me on my birthdays. I knew her as an aunt, not my mum. I used to call my Grandma my ‘mum’ then.

That’s interesting. It must have been hard when you were separated from your granny and taken to your parents. How did you react to that (specially when they told you that your granny isn’t your mother, but that the “aunt” actually is your mother)? How well did you accept your mother (and how well did she accept you)? And how was the adaptation to your new life circumstances? I guess your sister wasn’t too happy to have you there…

I believe it was a huge change for you and possibly a traumatic one, and it left consequences, for sure.

I didn’t know that I was left at my granny’s till I was much much older. But when I did find out, it explained a lot of things. My mother used to tell a story that when she came to visit me during that period, I leaned towards my granny, a little apprehensive, and asked “Granny, who’s this lady?” I didn’t even recognize my mother… And you’re right, these experiences did hurt me, but also forced me to work on myself and heal. And I am happy if I can help people who went through something similar…

April 13, 2021 at 7:38 am #377595
Ik09
Participant
TeaK,

Initially, it was difficult but since I was still young, I adjusted quickly. My parents wanted me to be with them. They were happy to have me back but yes my sister had got used to being the centre of attraction and she did not take me coming back well. Her complaints to me and my parents began then on.

I don’t know if something in me changed then or later. But I was never welcomed by her in the family. I used to copy her and so we often fought, my parents would have to get involved. Later on, I started getting tired of fights every day and started staying away. She did not like even that. She wanted people to revolve around her and talk to her and, about her.

But as Anita says, I will stay away from her as much as possible for my own sanity. Plus, whether he was good for me or not, I know he did love me and I know our situation wasn’t normal ever but he did try hard to work it out whenever I gave up. Yes, he had insecurities even then but we never did even have a chance to live how normal couples do, with love and without worries of what our families would do if they knew we are still dating. He did masturbate even then but it wasn’t excessive, and so there was no addiction here. He used to drink with friends on weekends like most men and his only addiction was smoking- which was quite a lot- a pack a day. There was a balance between work and the relationship. I didn’t text him a lot, neither did I expect anything from him in return. We met whenever possible and when we were in long-distance, we made plans to meet. We used to video call every night though. When my sister started going to his place where other friends lived as well and started telling them how he broke her trust as a friend by dating her younger sister, all friends started coming to him with advice. Men who often went to prostitutes, were drunk all day, had bad relationships, were unemployed started coming to tell him that he was wrong in loving me. He told me that it created a huge impact on his mind and he still feels embarrassed about it. Says that was when he first regretted meeting me. I don’t know how long we would have lasted if my sister didn’t interfere but I would have still dealt with it better than the mess she created with me, him, my family, and his family. I don’t think I can ever forgive her for that even if tomorrow someone else comes to my life, I know I can’t forgive her.
- This reply was modified 3 years ago by Ik09.
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