Menu

I need Help…Again!

HomeForumsRelationshipsI need Help…Again!

New Reply
Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 158 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #377395
    Ik09
    Participant

    Hi Anita! You are right. Recently, I gave up on this. His addictions- it just doesn’t stop. Once it is drinking, it is smoking, it is porn, it is masturbation. Anything, absolutely anything that he can put his mind off things, our things. He is a good person but there are issues. There were never issues between us- we understood one another well but these addictions were always the bone of contention. They used to leave our lives and few days we would be happy, no worries at all, and then my sister would reappear or these addictions would. I often told him, the connection between us is very good but it makes me sad that each time there comes even a slight bit of romance there, something or the other happens.

    Anyways, 2.5 years is a long time in my eyes and it is enough. I always felt that addictions are things that could be fixed but later I understood that because they gave him comfort, maybe he did not want to leave them. And saying this that I should marry by my parents’ choice was the last straw. I could not believe he was the same person that I was talking to even a month back. He had come to visit me on his family’s persuasion as they want things to be good between us as he denies going out with other women.

    That one week he stayed, the moment he met me- apart from an anxiety attack that he felt he did wrong by coming because my sister will never let us be and he did not want to hurt me more. It vanished however when we spent time. We were so happy. We decided to be together and fix things in our own lives so that when my sister is married, we can talk about marriage to our parents.

    Things changed in a week after he left, he left my city and met his childhood friends and god knows what went on in his head. He was like this isn’t right and started the same cycle again. But I was tired now.

     

    I told him then itself, its time we split. I cannot take this stress anymore. I can’t convince someone that they love me especially when they just say but don’t reflect in their actions.

     

    moving ahead. Please be with me. I feel really alone these days.

    #377396
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear lpkR09,

    I told him then itself, its time we split. I cannot take this stress anymore. I can’t convince someone that they love me especially when they just say but don’t reflect in their actions.

    You did well, it’s obvious that he’s very troubled and doesn’t really want to deal with his addictions. You say he’d refuse to talk about it every time you’ve tried, and he went to one therapy session but immediately dismissed it as not working. He probably doesn’t want to face his deeper issues, and he doesn’t want to give up addiction because it makes him feel good, as you say. Such a person isn’t capable of engaging in a healthy relationship because he’s a slave to his addictions. I understand he might be a good man otherwise, but to no avail – his addictions are stronger.

    I forgot to say in my first post, that it’s great that you’ve moved out from your parents’ flat and are now living on your own, and also that you’ve reduced contact with your sister to a minimum. She unfortunately doesn’t wish you well, and you shouldn’t expect any kind of support or “blessing” from her. And I’d encourage you to work on your own issues, so that you can meet a solid, emotionally healthy man who’ll be able to love and cherish you as you deserve.

    There were never issues between us- we understood one another well but these addictions were always the bone of contention.

    Based on what you’ve written before, I believe there were issues between you, but you chose not to look at them. You said your long-distance relationship got cold after a while, e.g. when you’d send him love emojis, he’d send back nervous emojis, because he wasn’t comfortable to reciprocate. It might be because he was in the grip of his addiction and would have felt dishonest to send you love and kisses and pretend that everything is fine – but in any case, he wasn’t really showing the enthusiasm that you were showing. He was withdrawing already then. It was you who chose to believe that things will get better, because you couldn’t imagine losing him.

    That’s why I said in my previous post that you were looking at your relationship through rose-colored glassed. You decided to ignore or minimize the signs of trouble, you believed addictions “could be fixed”, you chose to ignore his lack of affection and his refusal to talk about his problems. You believed that he was “the One”, the fulfillment of your dream to marry out of love and have that perfect relationship that you craved for.

    You told him in your goodbye letter last April:

    I think it was my obsession to have a guy in my life who truly loved me. One who loved my weirdness, my craziness,
    my dramatic self, one who wasn’t ashamed to hold my hand and show me to the world that I am his.

    You needed him to love you and accept you as you are, the whole of you, and not to be ashamed of you, but be proud to show to the world that you are his. I believe this is because you felt/feel rejected by your family, you felt they were ashamed of you, they don’t accept you for who you are, they don’t value you. And you needed him to give you that what you’ve never received from them.

    The background of your feeling of rejection could very well be the fact that your family gave you away because you weren’t a boy, and you spent the first 5-6 years of your life away from your parents.

    This is what you said about it earlier:

    “I am am Indian girl…and although I belong to a well educated family but still…my late paternal grandfather was not very receptive to a second girl child in my family….he wanted my parents to give me up for adoption….there was a lot of stress so my mother requested my maternal grandmother to keep me… I stayed there till I was 5-6 years old…. My maternal uncle and aunt hadn’t been blessed by a child then so they decided to adopt me…but then for some reason they changed their my mind later… A year later… My parents were able to convince my paternal grandfather to bring me back home and he agreed…

    All through my childhood, I worked hard just to prove that I am worthy. Now I realise how weak it made me from within…”

    Yes, and a part of you is still feeling unworthy and seeking that love and validation – from a romantic partner. You’d need to process and heal that wound, to get in touch with your inner child and give her that love and validation that she needs. You need to embrace her and tell her she is wanted and she’s special and you’re proud of her. All that you wanted your boyfriend to tell you, you should tell to the little girl inside of you.

    And you have all the reasons to be proud of yourself because you’re an intelligent, accomplished, compassionate, talented, courageous young woman, who isn’t willing to compromise her ideals and dreams. You’re true to yourself, and that’s wonderful. Now what you’d need to learn is to love and cherish your inner child too, so that you can truly heal, in the relationship aspect as well.

    #377397
    Ik09
    Participant

    you are right TeaK, maybe I was so focused on him that I never saw what damage I had further done to myself…on top of what was already there. It is true! no matter how many times I tell myself I love myself, it is only partial…I need time to myself. I don’t want to open myself to the world for now…maybe in time, it shall happen as well.

     

    #377399
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear lpkR09,

    I was so focused on him that I never saw what damage I had further done to myself…on top of what was already there.

    Perhaps you were trying to “save” him, believing that once he’s free from his addictions, he’ll be the perfect man for you. People who suffer from lack of self-worth are often attracted to problematic romantic partners, who suffer from depression or addictions. They hope that their love will be enough to turn their partner around, to heal them. But it never happens, and they are left feeling unappreciated and rejected. The partner’s refusal to appreciate them confirms their original wound – that they are not good enough and unworthy.

    I need time to myself. I don’t want to open myself to the world for now…maybe in time, it shall happen as well.

    Yes, you need time to focus on yourself and heal that childhood wound. You’re hurt and exhausted of trying to make others love you. Take plenty of rest, be gentle with yourself and have compassion for yourself. Love that little girl inside of you. You deserve love, you’re worthy and precious, you just need to integrate that into your being by tending to your inner child.

    #377403
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear lpkR09,

    moving ahead. Please be with me. I feel really alone these days.

    You’re not alone, please feel free to share whatever you might be feeling and going through, because it’s not easy for you, you’re in a vulnerable spot right now. Please take care of yourself, but also reach out, either to us here or to other people you trust.

    #377416
    anita
    Participant

    Dear IpkRO9:

    You wrote in your post to me yesterday: “There were never issues between us- we understood one another well, but these addictions were always the bone of contention”. By “these addictions” you were referring to his addictions: “drinking.. smoking.. porn.. masturbation”.

    In your original post on this thread, April 23, 2020, you posted a goodbye letter to the boyfriend who you met 1 year and 5 months earlier (Dec 2018), and who broke up with you most recently, on April 7, 2021.

    In that goodbye letter to him, you wrote: “it was my obsession to have a guy in  my life who truly loved me, one who loved my weirdness, my craziness, my dramatic self”.

    When you met him, you felt that you knew him from before, thinking of him as your soul mate and a twin flame. But there were issues in the relationships: “all the things that went wrong between us… (his) indulgence with other women”. There were so many issues in the relationship that your friends told you that you were a masochist for being in the relationship.

    You apologized to him back in April last year, “for all the discomfort I have caused you from my love for drama”.

    You wrote about a breakup you had in December2019- January 2020: “I was sick the whole of December and rarely went out of my bed… in January I did start going to college, I made sure that I was drunk in the evenings so I don’t think of you. I have attended many quizzes and classes drunk”. He then contacted you, then stopped stopped talking again, and you spent most of your evenings “sitting on top of an underground subway passage on top of the highway, drunk”.

    You wrote in that same post that according to your family, “I am planning day and night another dramatic stint to disturb other people’s lives and how I enjoy the mental trauma others go through by fighting”. You gave two examples of what your family referred to as “dramatic stints” performed by you:

    (1) “A few days  back, I was constantly being shouted at… I remember the actions of my body but I don’t remember what was going in my mind and what I was thinking regarding the action. I screamed and screamed, as if I was being killed, kept hitting my head with my hands.. Nobody was speaking but I kept hitting myself till my mum came and held both my hands. I pushed her away..”.

    (2) One day again, same thing happened… I was crying and on the floor begging them to shut up… I ran towards the terrace.. I started hitting the back of my head on the wooden swing. Papa generally stays away but he got angry and hit me few times, kicked me few times till I stopped.. I remember feeling no pain at all at that time… I kept crying till I stopped being able to breathe and heavy breathing started, they got scared and brought me water and forced fed me water and then took me to bed and asked me to sleep”. Later, you gained “all thoughts back” and felt “so scared of hurting myself nearly busted my head open by hitting it. I realised this will only become worse, never going to be okay. I am damned for life now”

    You added: “I am never going to destroy anyone’s life now and I will stay on my own always. I will be honest about my mental state with whoever approaches”-

    – you meant, I believe, that if a man approaches you for a relationship in the future, you will tell him honestly, right away about your mental state.

    I would like to ask you five questions so to understand you and your situation better:

    1) you wrote that you will tell whoever approaches you about your mental state. Can you tell me about your mental state?

    2) What is your understand about those two episodes you described (#1 and 2 above)? Did you see a doctor/ a psychiatrist regarding those episodes?

    3) Did you have such episodes outside your family home, with a boyfriend/ others?

    4) Do you still drink to access at times, sitting on top of an underground subway, drunk?

    5) You wrote regarding the second episode: “I realised this will only become worse, never going to be okay. I am damned for life now”- what did you mean by becoming worse, and by you being damned for life?

    anita

    #377423
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear lpkR09,

    I’ve been thinking some more about your situation. Your boyfriend did take you for a ride… I mean, from the onset, he was worried about what your sister will say and insisted that she approves of your relationship, even though you said let’s take things slowly and first get to know each other better. But before you were supposed to leave to another city to your PhD studies (in June 2019), he insisted you talk again with your sister, and if you don’t get her blessing, at least get her promise that she wouldn’t be meddling in your relationship. Because, as he said, “unnecessary stress from her would keep on causing us pain“.  And if she refuses to stop meddling, he said “its best that we walk away because no amount of happiness in a relationship can mitigate stress on the personal front.

    So if your sister refuses to approve of your relationship, he was willing to call it quits with you, because he believed that the stress would be just too big for you to be able to enjoy your relationship. Here he projected his own feelings of stress onto you – it was him who wouldn’t bear the stress of not being accepted by your sister and parents, not you. You would have been fine with that, if you needed to choose.

    He called you dramatic, but in fact it was him who created this whole drama of asking for approval from your sister, totally unnecessarily, and then obsessing about what will happen if she doesn’t agree. And then anticipating that she wouldn’t agree, he felt your relationship was doomed, and so he already started withdrawing. Already in April 2019 he was getting cold and not interested in talking to you much, and confessed that he almost sexted another girl. He was “tired” and “exhausted” from all the drama that he himself created!

    You told him you were willing to fight for your relationship and cut off contact with your sister if necessary, but he said “please don’t, not for me“. And he said “even if we break up now you will laugh about how stupid it all was in a year.  Life changes you know and this is not important. The world is so big and we have so many things to do and see.  Love is not everything.”

    It seems he’s the kind of person who gives up even before he even tried. Moreover, he sabotages himself so that there’s no chance he would succeed. He sabotaged your relationship with the unnecessary drama before it even had a chance to develop. The only reason you stayed together was because you were very tolerant about it, you agreed to “take it slow”, you overlooked his decreasing interest in you, his doubts and fears, and later, his addictions. I believe his addictions are another way he’s sabotaging himself. He’s afraid of success, afraid of love and of being loved.

    When the two of you just met, end of 2018, he wanted to wait for 6 months to start a proper relationship with you, to get his act together. I believe it was because he felt unworthy of you. You mentioned he did some things in his past that he wasn’t proud of – so probably that was a part of his problem. My take is that he felt a mess and unworthy all the time. But he didn’t openly show it, but rather behaved in a way that sabotaged your relationship, sabotaged his chance with you.

    You were super supportive and understanding because you wanted to believe that he’d overcome his problems… and that’s why the relationship dragged for so long. But as you said it yourself, every day was a struggle for the entire 2.5 years. He was struggling with his demons and his insecurities and was pushing you away (indirectly, with his ambivalence), and you were struggling to keep him “afloat”, to convince him that things will be better some day. You didn’t want to let go of your dream of a perfect relationship with a man you love – and you persisted for 2.5 years. Eventually, he realized he can’t give you false hopes any more, i.e. that he won’t get rid of his demons any time soon, so he told you to go for an arranged marriage (as if you were desperate to marry just anyone – so this in itself was a little bit of an under belt hit, and it hurt you).

    This is my view of the dynamic between you. In any case, he’s a troubled man, and if he’s unwilling to work on his traumas, he’ll only spiral further down. You can’t be his savior, when he doesn’t even want to save himself.

     

    #377429
    Ik09
    Participant

    1) you wrote that you will tell whoever approaches you about your mental state. Can you tell me about your mental state?

    I was not very strong then, I easily cried at things and it is right that what I wrote about myself was more of a projection of what my mother and sister said to me than what I felt about myself. The only thing I feel is wrong with me is that I have a very strong fear of being left alone in life and when I started living on my own I realized that I am alright but loneliness haunts me on weekends especially due to rising cases in India, we work from Home.

    2) What is your understanding of those two episodes you described (#1 and 2 above)? Did you see a doctor/ a psychiatrist regarding those episodes?

    I just wanted to be left alone, I can’t stand loud arguments and physical fights which often happen at home since my sister indulges physically a lot- she would through things around and hit people around when angry. Also, I often find that nobody listens entirely yet are quick to form conclusions because of which they come at me if anything is wrong anywhere in the house.

    3) Did you have such episodes outside your family home, with a boyfriend/ others?

    I seldom get angry. I have had no other episodes with anyone else.

    4) Do you still drink to access at times, sitting on top of an underground subway, drunk?

    I drink yes but with friends or when I need to cry and speak out since I talk out to the universe even if I have nobody around. I am not a regular drinker. It was just that few weeks or a month in Dec. 2019 . Even then I used to drink and sit alone quietly because I knew I could talk to nobody about my relationship issues or how I felt in college( alone).

    5) You wrote regarding the second episode: “I realised this will only become worse, never going to be okay. I am damned for life now”- what did you mean by becoming worse, and by you being damned for life?

    I felt that the episodes will continue and my temper will go out of bounds but it didn’t. I actually felt I was crazy then, I realized with time that I wasn’t. That time I and my sister shared a room and she often lashed out especially at nights and I felt horrible. Then one day in September he texted my sister again after 2 years, then she hit me at night when I was asleep. It was the last limit for me and I left the room at 3 am and slept in the hall(I was awake but I just sat there, I had an interview in the morning). I was adamant, no matter what I need another place to sleep and work. I cleaned a spare room on the terrace the following day and shifted there. slowly cleaned the toilet and made the room my safe space. I lived there till I moved out. I will have to go home for her wedding, it is not something I can choose not to do. It is customary in Indian Families for siblings to be present for sibling’s weddings. But I feel at ease because I know I have my room. She did want that room when it was cleaned properly but I told my parents that I want only one thing for now- my own room- do not give this away too. They realized that it was important and asked her to be content in hers. So, I am fine now. Just the fear remains as it is a long-timed, deep-rooted fear.

    #377430
    Ik09
    Participant

    Teak, Your words are making sense. I know he didn’t even know he was doing this but unknowingly, he did sabotage the relationship. He is too afraid of people, of love, and of happiness. And if he keeps up with his addictions then the bright mind that he has will also be wasted. I feel so sad for him. For us. I wish he had someone to help him as well. Someone he accepted to love and to make him feel good. I wish his family understood what he is going through instead of fighting while he suffered on the inside.

    #377431
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear lpkR09,

    I feel so sad for him. For us. I wish he had someone to help him as well.

    He started going to therapy but then stopped, right? Does he want to deal with addictions and face his problems, or he’s rejecting it? In any case, it’s not your task to heal him, he would need a professional because his problems are quite deep. You stayed for a long time trying to save him, but it didn’t work out, because we can’t heal anybody unless they choose to heal themselves first.

    Right now, it’d be better to focus on yourself and your own healing. What I see happened in your relationship, is that you were trying to make him love you, and were tolerating his lack of love and lack of commitment to you, explaining it away in various ways. You craved to be loved by someone who was unable to give you love. You might have even been attracted to him because he was a little insecure, a little timid perhaps.

    Your previous boyfriend wasn’t accessible either: he had a possessive, controlling mother whom he felt obliged to, and he too sabotaged your relationship, or rather he walked away. Do you see the pattern? Both of those guys were unwilling or unable to be with you, but you were longing for their  love. You persisted 3 years with your previous boyfriend, and 2.5 years with this one. Both felt like a soul mate to you, you felt a deep connection with them. And I believe it’s because the relationship with them reminded you of the relationship with your parents – craving for love of someone who is inaccessible, for whose love you have to fight, to struggle, to endure hardship. Both of those guys activated an early childhood wound in you, that’s why you were so attracted to them.

    You should know, dear lpkR09, you had a very difficult childhood. I guess the first 5-6 years weren’t even the worst, but when you returned to your family. Your sister is a bully and probably she’s been bullying you ever since you came to the family. You seem to be the black sheep in the family too, because they immediately accuse you if something’s not right. Even at the adult age, you suffered your sister’s physical attacks in the middle of the night, not just her emotional abuse and scheming and plotting against you.

    As you established with Anita in previous threads, your sister has a dominant role in your family, which she inherited from your domineering grandfather (the one because of whom you were sent away). She’s a horrible bully and has anger control issues, but everyone listens to her opinion. She’s treated like god.

    Many things are upside down and unfair in your family. You suffered immensely at their hands. You were treated unfairly. It’s great that you don’t live with them any more, and that when your sister physically attacked you one year ago, you moved to another room and didn’t allow her to cross that boundary any more.

    You’d need to protect yourself from your family and realize that they seem to be incapable of giving you love. I don’t know how you stand with your maternal grandparents (or just grandmother?), who took you in when you were born. Is she still alive? What memories do you have of her?

    What I want to say is that you’ve suffered severe abuse, both emotional and physical. You’ve been through a trauma. And you’ve done great, considering how much you’ve suffered. You’re a survivor, lpkR09! I admire you for your strength and resilience, your perseverance, your compassion… But there’s a part of you that’s hurting – the part that craves the love of those unable to give it. Please deal with that part, heal that childhood wound, so you can have a truly fulfilling life, which you completely deserve.

     

    #377433
    Ik09
    Participant

    I am for now only focusing on me, It hurts every second though. Although both he and my ex feel like similar men and perhaps they were…in terms of commitment issues or more, how I behaved towards both was different.

     

    With my ex, I used to be like a helpless weak person because he was so dominating till one day he left and I realized how weak I was.  When I had met him, it was a conscious decision to meet and date. Although it was a chance meeting as well, I had taken a decision to date.

    When I met my current ex, oh it hurts writing that but when I met him, I was already on a mend myself mission- I was content being on my own and was happy enjoying things I like. He was my sister’s friend so she had forced me to go meet her friends, I had honestly just gone out for the food. And we met and I denied that I can’t like him, I can’t like anybody, especially not my sister’s friend. But it was as if I could not think anymore, coincidences were extreme. We met unexpectedly at places and suddenly my sister decided that all of us should go on a vacation. We talked on the trip, at length and suddenly we both realized that we have too much in common in terms of interests but we handled things differently. It just so happened. It was not planned, not even like let’s date and see… to this day I feel he is my kryptonite but he did make me feel like a superwoman. He made mistakes in our personal life but he always uplifted me and advised me with my career and studies. I have grown better because of him, I have become stronger.

     

    My sister was always unfair to me but instead of facing her, my approach was to ignore and move away. It kept hurting me but i took no actions. With him, I faced all that.

    But towards the end, things grew painful. Earlier he never ignored me, no matter what but he did. He used to say that in his mind he always told himself why did he associate himself with someone connected to my sister. He said he wanted no relations to her whatsoever so it kept hurting him that why he kept coming back to me when I am related to her. It used to mentally bother him that he kept a connection to his bully when he wanted to snap it off…especially after the September issue when he texted her after 2 years expecting she would have cooled down about all this and would perhaps understand his feelings for me if he made her understand. You obviously know what happened, it backfired. She abused not only him but his family and his parents. He was hurt and he had cut off all mental connections to me which I didn’t know because he had stopped talking saying that let’s give time to things. And he was getting better not thinking of all this but I got in touch again because I didn’t know he was doing good, I just texted to know how he was and he texted back. He seemed distant at first but after few days, he texted himself. We again remained in touch but just as good friends….on and off……till in January, he told me his parents forced him to meet a girl for arranged marriage thing and although he said he didn’t like the girl because they didn’t talk much but who knows if they did talk, they would have liked each other. Anyways, when he told me that on text… I told him All the best for his new life and blocked him everywhere except on-call- I didn’t think he would ever call….but he did….some 10 days later… very drunk and totally out of his senses…I told him I don’t want to talk on call and definitely not talk when he wasn’t sober, if he has anything to say to me he has to come to meet me and within a week he came to meet me. I felt maybe he is putting in an effort. Then I got to know his family wanted him to come to see me so that he can finally make a decision. Maybe I wasn’t all that great as he thought in his mind.

    Anyways, things are today as they are.

    I will try resolving my inner issues… one by one. The current wound first and then the childhood wound.

    #377434
    anita
    Participant

    Dear IpkRO9:

    It is just as clear to me now as it was before, that you need to live far away from your sister, and far away from the people who support your sister (your parents and whomever else). If you have to attend her wedding, attend it, but don’t give her access to abuse you. (I imagine she will not hit you during her wedding or during her wedding night..?!)

    Regarding the only thing you feel is wrong with you, “a very strong fear of being left alone”, loneliness haunting you on weekends-

    – when you are alone, listen to the noises around you. If you don’t hear “loud arguments and physical fights which often happen(ed) at home”- that’s a good thing, isn’t it, you don’t miss or long for that kind of togetherness, do you?

    When you experienced those arguments and fights, you “just wanted to left alone”- alone is a good thing when the alternative is aggression.

    When alone, try to appreciate being alone, relax into the relative quietness, into the peace of being safe from aggression and blame. Relax best you can.

    When you meet a new man next, don’t commit to him too soon, and then stay with him no matter what, and no matter who he is. Choose a man thoughtfully: evaluate his words and behaviors over time and choose again and again, whether you want to stay with him, or not. Choose a man with whom togetherness is a good thing, quiet, peaceful, safe.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by anita.
    #377438
    Ik09
    Participant

    I just teared up reading the last few lines, Anita… “Choose a man with whom togetherness is a good thing, quiet, peaceful, safe.”

    Yeah, I don’t miss those moments at all, I miss my brother…my parents sometimes, even my sister because we all have spent a long time together. Obviously, there were some good times too with my sister, those are very less but there are. So I wish her well but I wish that we meet less, especially since she is how she is.

    And being alone is good, I like the peace…having quiet teas, watching the sunset from my balcony after a busy day but I wish often if I had someone who would wrap me in their arms and talk about our day together. Maybe it got stronger when he came to stay for a week, I saw what a happy relation could be like and maybe this is why I started expecting again. I had stopped it all, I had become complacent with my own self. But I had Fun around him, we laughed so much. Each time I would wake up at night, he would hug me tighter and I felt so calm. I always felt like he was home. Suddenly, there is no home. I have to make myself home now. So that it is alright being on my own once again. I keep indulging myself with things, with food, and with music but I need that open space again. The Covid-19 cases are again on the rise in my country and I am left confined in my flat. Not that I have many friends, I hesitate to tell even my closest friends what I feel. I feel like I will burden them with my emotions.

     

    I will be careful Anita. I just hope there is a next time. I am so afraid that because I have tried moving on before and unknowingly I keep comparing other men to him. I am a writer, men get bored hearing my thoughts… I take some time to open up and people give up before I open up. Since we were so similar, I never had to explain to him about these things. He believed in my dreams about being a published author and often encouraged to write, even gave ideas. I know I am talking like any other heart broken person. You would say obviously everyone moves on, of course everyone finds someone new.

    I see my father though, He disclosed this secret two years ago to me- he liked somone else but his father forced him into marriage with my mum who was unaware about it and loves my father with all she has but till date He hasn’t been able to let go of that attachment. My father smiles and laughs but none of the smiles reflect in his eyes. Maybe the reason he never interfered with my sister was that he has absolutely no expectations from us, any of his children. He often talks to me about these things…only me, that he only wants to fulfill his duties as a father which according to him are- Give us good education and get us married. I don’t want to be numb like him. It scares me.

    Even my sister, the person she was getting married to in 2018, she still likes that guy. Even the guy she is marrying, is still into his ex who married someone else. God, what a dysfunctional society are we all living in.

    Today, Arranged marriage in Indian society is only for people who are too broken to love again or who are so indecisive that they want their parents to take this major decision of their life for them so that they can blame them tomorrow if their marriage fails. If someone finds love in this process, they are lucky. If not, compromise and live is what all parents have been teaching us.

     

     

    #377439
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear lpkR09,

    thanks for writing and  illuminating the issues some more. Interesting that your previous ex was a dominant party in your relationship, and that you felt weak. He did have a clingy, needy mother, and now I remember he told you you remind him of his mother, is that right? So you were a little bit weak and needy in that relationship, and when he left you, you decided to stand in your power and become less dependent of a man. You didn’t want to be weak any more. That’s good, that’s how we learn from our mistakes and grow over time. It’s good that you saw your own weaknesses and decided to work on yourself. That’s why you got stronger. Nevertheless, the core wound – of craving for love that you’ve never properly received – was still there. And it got re-activated with your current ex.

    To this day I feel he is my kryptonite but he did make me feel like a superwoman. He made mistakes in our personal life but he always uplifted me and advised me with my career and studies.

    I can imagine that – he himself felt weak and insecure, but he saw you as strong and capable. You were superwoman in his eyes, but at the same time he felt bad about himself. He was encouraging you, lifting you up, motivating you to succeed in your studies and career, but at the same time, he couldn’t do that for himself, he felt weak and not good enough. You were trying to help him, or sometimes, when he wasn’t responsive, you would leave him alone and try to focus on your studies, but in general, he felt bad about himself and you couldn’t help him.

    His obsession with your sister’s approval is still somewhat of a mystery to me:

    “He used to say that in his mind he always told himself why did he associate himself with someone connected to my sister. He said he wanted no relations to her whatsoever so it kept hurting him that why he kept coming back to me when I am related to her. It used to mentally bother him that he kept a connection to his bully when he wanted to snap it off”

    She had such a power over him that he didn’t want to have anything to do with anyone related to her, including you? How exactly did she hurt him? By spreading rumors about him (about his drinking, or other addictions)? And then, why would he need approval from someone who bullied him and hurt him so much? I guess a part of him felt that what she was saying about him – her accusations – were true, so he felt the need to “prove himself” to her. It’s like a child who needs approval from a criticizing parent. Somehow he saw her as an authoritative figure whom he needed to please, I guess…

    Especially after the September issue when he texted her after 2 years expecting she would have cooled down about all this and would perhaps understand his feelings for me if he made her understand. You obviously know what happened, it backfired. She abused not only him but his family and his parents.

    Actually I don’t know what exactly happened. So he texted her in Sept 2020 to again seek her approval, and then what exactly did she do?

    #377442
    anita
    Participant

    Dear IpkRO9:

    There will be a next time, it’s about making the next time better, way better than the last time, by choosing thoughtfully.

    “I always felt like he was home. Suddenly, there is no home”-

    (1) it felt like home (safe, loving), doesn’t mean it was home, (2) it didn’t always feel like home, often and for long periods of time (probably more often than not), it did not feel like home during the years you were in a relationship with him.

    Distinguish between what it feels like at times, and what it is, too much of the time: “there were some good times too with my sister”- but there were too many bad times, and “some good times” do not neutralize the many, horrific times.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by anita.
Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 158 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.