Dear ninibee,

you’re absolutely not wasting my time, and I don’t feel you’re spinning around in circles, and I am so glad you’re posting. I believe we all were able to understand a little better the reasons for your unrelenting shame – which most probably stem from your very early childhood, and are related to your mother not meeting your needs. They have nothing to do you with being unlikeable or repulsive or shameful. Try to understand at least that. It wasn’t your fault that your legitimate needs weren’t properly met.

I know it’s hard for you at the moment, and you’re identifying with your older self, who might have done some shameful things, but remember that it was all a reaction, a consequence of your childhood wounding. You, as a young, confused adult, were in pain, and you behaved accordingly. What Anita said a few days ago was so true, and it resonated with you: “I was mentally unwell, confused, desperate, in pain, and therefore likely to act in shameful ways. And I did.”

So try to see your shameful acts not as a reflection of your true self, but as a consequence of being in pain. And then try to see beyond them, and see in front of yourself that little adorable baby who needed to be lovingly touched and cuddled and cooed to and smiled at, and enjoyed that she exists… but she wasn’t. She was rejected. And she started to believe there’s something wrong with her, she started to feel shame, she might have even felt she was a creep, a monster… (I felt that about myself). And when we’re in so much pain, we need ways to soothe or numb ourselves, and we act out.

Please try to see it as it was, and have compassion for yourself, because none of it was your fault. And please keep posting here, you have nothing to be ashamed of, and you’ve helped me too with your sharing <3

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Tee.