Dear Namaste,

I don’t think it’s selfish to have needs and wants.

No, it’s not selfish at all, we all have legitimate needs and don’t need to sacrifice them and suffer in the long-run. This being sad, it appears you might have sacrificed your emotional needs during your 36-yr marriage, in which you were emotionally abandoned and psychologically abused. You sacrificed your needs in that marriage – out of loyalty and unselfishness.

He was sick (mentally) and you took care of him because you loved him. It’s almost like having a sick child and dedicating your life to them, only your husband wasn’t your child. Still, you dedicated your life to him, but eventually you couldn’t take it any more, when “his behavior became more erratic toward the end of our marriage”. You left when it became unsafe – meaning only when it was dangerous for your physical well-being. But you stayed all those years, even though your emotional well-being was at stake.

Now, it seems to me, you don’t want to sacrifice your needs any longer. You don’t want to repeat the experience from your marriage. You want all that you’ve missed for so long to now be compensated by your partner.

You say “I am not over demanding or needy.” It seems to me you were not demanding or needy in your marriage, but you are now. The old wounds got opened…  and I believe your original childhood wound is having been abandoned, however you suppressed it and compensated it for a long time by being a care-taker to someone who would never abandon you… But that fell apart, and your original wound got opened… Do you resonate with any of this?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Tee.