Dear Anna,

Sometimes I feel like it’s more his personality rather than his mental health which makes him withdraw from everything.

This is quite probable, specially since he has a strict mother, who’s pressuring him to continue his studies, which he doesn’t want to do. I imagine she’s been like that his entire life, having expectations from him, not taking into consideration his feelings and desires, criticizing him etc. He feels trapped but because he also feels unable to help himself, his only way is to withdraw into depression, to sort of “switch off”.

So I believe he feels weak and helpless inside, and his defense mechanism is depression, because he doesn’t believe he can escape the situation in a different, healthier way (e.g. by getting a job and moving from his parents’ place). Some people in a similar situation develop various addictions to soothe the pain, but his coping mechanism is to go numb.

You might remind him of his mother a little, because you too have expectations on him, at least to talk to you and keep in touch, while he doesn’t feel like doing that either. He just wants to be left alone. And I guess when he’s in a bad phase, he feels hopeless about the situation, that’s why he probably feels like there’s no point in talking to you.

Then, when he feels a little better, he resumes contact, as if nothing happened. He doesn’t apologize or explain anything, which is interesting. Perhaps he believes you’ll be there always, just like his mother is, waiting for him to get better and to fulfill her expectations. I don’t know, just a thought…

Anyway, I believe he should work on his relationship with his mother in therapy. Has he done that in the past?

About your relationship, you say:

We both deeply love(d ?) each other since the beginning. We used to have a very good communication, we weren’t scared to say when we didn’t feel ok and that we needed time by ourselves in order to feel better.

Since the start of your relationship, he’s experienced a low-grade depression, but he hadn’t been diagnosed at that point. But he used to ask for time alone already then, right? If so, it means he started to withdraw, or seek pauses, pretty early in the relationship. But at that time, he at least communicated with you. Did he explain why he needs to take a break?