Dear Anita,

Thanks for reading and replying to my thread.

Yeah, I still have a mild depression lingering around, but it is nothing compared to what I have been through before. In October 2020 it was the starting point of going into complete utter darkness, to the point where I can say I was spiritually dead; I was just sitting and staring into the void most of the time. So I know that I am definitively better than before and what haunted me back then no longer is.

And yeah, I am aware of the wound of abandonment originating from my family. I talked about it with them. When I learned that I had stored resentment towards my mum, through theta healing, I shared that news also with her and we could talk about it. I have gotten a lot closer to my family and am very happy about it.

Maybe I explained it a bit wrong. I still enjoy things; external things like the weekly video call with my mum, or the sun on my skin, or delicious homecooked food once I eat it. I also can still get lost (as in something like a state flow) in some activities for a short time like dancing, writing something creative, reading.

It is more like, all the passions/interests I used to have just seemed to somehow be gone or barely present. For example, today when I went to an Asian grocery store is when I started thinking in Japanese again and thinking about the language. I used to study it for a couple of years with a smile on my face; it would simply make me happy I couldn’t explain it. The moment anything related to Japan came up I was interested or motivated. This is pretty much gone, except for that moment I was in the store or that one moment I was browsing through homes in Okinawa on a Japanese site.

Or I used to be head over heels into nutrition and liked unraveling myths and lies and learning to understand the big picture, which is why I joined distance learning for becoming nutrition guidance. But I am pretty much like a snail in my studies for nutrition and my former flame and passion has almost died out. I still share information here and there, but the array of different opinions on what is healthy and what is not, in addition to the “fight” between different diet culture and trying to share information and guidance knowing that a quick solution is wanted although it is not the way it works is just kind of insignificant because all sorts of division and separation are just concepts of the mind. There is no right thing nor is there really good or bad; what makes something good or bad is up to what a person believes it to be. Giving guidance on anything, seems somehow very weird to me now, as what a person needs is so individual and most of the time what a person truly needs is something they are more likely going to find by looking in themselves.

But yeah, one could say “how about going back to Japan” to rekindle the passion, but I know from experience as a nomad that coming back to your birth country or country you have lived in is different than the first time you have been there. People have changed, the place has changed and you as a person itself have changed. I never used to think much of it and keep trying again, some people will stay longer in your life, but now it seems every relationship seems to be meant to last only short and sometimes you hear from someone every couple of months or years. That’s a thought that visits me quite frequently, but at the same time, there is still a part of me that believes “some people will stay a lot longer in your life, you just have to wait and see” + “if I can make myself my own best friend and love to sit with my own company then anything else around you won’t be of much matter to me.” I am trying to work on the latter concept.

As for nutrition and I think for passions in general, the fact that I am doing them for myself as myself is still strange for me. I actually asked myself last year, what is it like to live for yourself? I’ve been helping and giving so much, and now I am turning it inwards to myself (at least I am trying my best to), but it is kind of unknown territory for me.

I do not know if this made more sense, or if it made any sense at all.

I’m going to read the article by Chris Wilson “How I Moved from Depression to a Deep and Meaningful Life.” Maybe I find a new nugget of wisdom or clarity in there. This site has provided lots of helpful and beautiful content. Thank you.

Also sorry for the late reply, I thought a notification would pop up in my email, like last time.

Kibou