Dear Kibou:

In your October 2020 thread you described the different phases of your “interesting journey of self-discovery and healing”. Your descriptions of your journey are almost entirely descriptions of how you felt during the different phases. There is very little and very vague descriptions of the nature of your thoughts and actions, and of what actually took place during your journey or earlier in life. I will do my best to separate the phases. I understand that I will not be accurate in separating the phases, but I will do my best with what you shared:

In March 2020, you felt “really down”. This is when your journey started. Phase 1: you felt good. Phase 2: you felt “too good in fact, especially considering the fact that it was lockdown time”, and your routine “seemed to be too perfect”. Phase 3:  you “tried to bring some chaos” into your life. Phase 4: You were “pretty much running on autopilot”. Phase 5: most of the time, you felt “really happy and had immense confidence”, having moments of feeling “really painful or sad”. Phase 6: you felt a “kind of positive shock but still confused”. Phase 7: you started writing a book. Phase 8: Writing one of the chapters was “a journey for itself”, a journey of “self-discovering.. and healing”. Phase 9: You “opened up more and started speaking out” about what troubled and worried you, memories unlocked and you could see more clearly, having “‘great’ realizations”. You realized that you you “did not just build walls of protection, but a whole fortress with no entrances, and there was moat and a barricade”. You concluded that chapter in September 2020. Phase 10 was a “phase of suppressed tears” began. You also smiled many times, and “lived pain just as I have lived happiness”, learning to “connect more to people and learning to trust others”.

Phase 11 started in October: “This phase is where I was able to see just how much I was burning. It is like ALL painful emotions” that “were suppressed or locked away” came up, “I am in pain but I am not suffering.. I am okay and not okay is the best way I can describe it… reconnecting with people and telling them what had happened”, including having told “loved ones  just how much their actions or words have hurt me”. You still felt pain, you had trouble falling asleep, and you were physically exhausted, it took you a lot of energy to do anything, like doing the laundry, washing dishes and getting dressed. But you managed to smile and enjoy dancing sometimes, and you were looking for a topic for your bachelor thesis.

In your current April 2021 thread, you shared that “so many traumatic events have lost their emotional charge”, that you your connection to animals and to family is back, that you learned to assertively say no, that you eat healthily, exercise and your sleep pattern has improved, that you feel safe, “not burning anymore compared to my first post” (the post of six months earlier, Oct 2020).

But you have more frequent “feelings of abandonment”, two friends “kind of just left… I am being ‘ghosted’ so often.. the same ‘ghosting’ trend.. also have been ‘ghosted’ by others”, you “lost many interests and ..have little vision.. very few goals.. motivation and passions also lay flat.. dull”, writing your bachelor thesis is progressing as slow as a snail. You referred to this experience as “mild depression lingering around, but it is nothing compared to.. October 2020.. of going into complete utter darkness… sitting and staring into the void most of the time”.

You mentioned having had resentment toward your mother, that you talked to her about it, and “gotten a lot closer to my family and am very happy about it”, and that you have weekly video calls with your mother. You shared your past interests and passions for learning Japanese and nutrition, and that you lived a nomad lifestyle (“I have lived a quite nomad lifestyle and people coming and going has been part of my life since I was very young”, Oct 2020).

My input today: like I wrote to you at the start of this post, what you shared is almost entirely limited to your feelings. There is very little sharing about what happened in your life so far, particularly, what happened in your earlier life: how did it come about that you’ve lived a nomadic lifestyle ever since you were very young, did you move around a lot with your parents, away from your parents.. did you have two parents living with you at any time, and so forth. For me to respond further, I need some solid information to stand on, otherwise, I am floating in the air, so to speak. Feelings alone are not enough of a basis for useful communication.

anita