Hello all, 4 years after my initial post here!
For a reason today I remembered this post and saw it was exactly 4 years ago when I first came to this forum to ask for help, for my ex coming back after some years demanding me to be together again.

I was reading my posts today and I can clearly see how far I am now from that person, my old ‘me’.

I am actually so grateful for my ex and all he did to me, cause his intense and dishonest actions helped me to finally open my eyes and start taking care of myself.

The last years and since my last post here, were a great journey for me; with many good but also bad moments, but they all were helping me to learn something new and heal myself more and more. It is taught to see all your traumas and fears in the eyes and relive the same feelings. There were many nights of crying desperately like a child; my inner child was now feeling what hadn’t felt back then.

Growing up to a family were my dad was leaving for big trips all the time (he was at the navy) and a mum being very controlling as she was trying to build the perfect family all alone, I was feeling constantly the fear of abandonment (by my dad) and the fear of rejection of my mom. I was always trying to be the perfect daughter, friend, student, girlfriend, employee etc.. to avoid the pain of rejection or abandonment.  Such a constant never ending agony!

It took me time to understand several patterns that still follow me in my adult life. And I know I still have more to learn.. But understanding and reviving these feelings is a good way to finally start to feel better, become the real you and heal and accept yourself.

I haven’t built the perfect life, I haven’t solved all my problems, I still learn and I still fall but I always come back, stronger and stronger.

I am also in a relationship for the last 8 months with someone who is so different to anyone I had ever been with in the past (not only boyfriends but also family and friends included). He is a person that expresses his feelings and thoughts all the time without any guilt or shame. He has the attitude of  “this is me I can not change for other needs”. He is doing compromises inside the relationship of course, but he is not changing who he is, neither tries to change me.
I am totally allowed to be myself and express my feelings. When my old patterns return and have guilds, I may say to him: “Oh I am sorry for being angry (or sad)”. And he is replying: “Why you ask sorry? I may made something wrong and you felt that way so is my issue not yours, you felt that way and there is no need to ask sorry!”.

I can finally be the child I could not be with my mom in the past. Anger and sadness were forbidden feelings.
I now feel accepted and loved no matter how I feel. Fear is still there but less and shrinked.
And this is a very new reality to me. And I now this person didn’t come by chance now to my life. I was ready now for that, to allow it to come and learn a new lesson from it: what it feels like to be yourself in a relationship and love not to be questionable on your actions or feelings.

Seeing now my relationship that 4 years ago made me write this post, I see the big shift that happened inside me and all the things I learned since then.  Loving me and accepting me, forgiving and understanding me -and the rest-, helped be not to overcome all my fears, but being able to live with them and not allow them to control my life.

I felt I needed to write this and thank Annita once more for her help back then; you were a light at a very dark period and I need to express my gratitude.

p.s. Mepina is not my real name. I was so afraid back then that someone I know (my ex or friends or even family) would read this and understand it was me. So big was my fear.
But I am not afraid anymore for who I am, my choices, my mistakes and my wounds.

My name is Christina and this is my story and my healing process.