April 20, 2017 at 6:51 am #145953
Hello to all of you!
Thank you in advance for reading my story..! I am feeling so sad and frustrated these days and I would like to hear some opinions. I will try to keep the story as short as possible.
Some years ago, I started a relationship with a guy. I didn’t have many relationships before so that was actually my 1 st committed relationship. The first 2-3 years were like a honeymoon, with love and romantic days. Then the problems started; we argued more, we were more distant, I was feeling neglected many times and was jealous of other couples that were still in love. I now understand I was also very afraid in cases to express my desires of fear of not losing him. I was always trying to make myself better for him, but I always felt I couldn’t and could never become the ideal girl for him. From fear of losing him or not become angry (he is not easy in understandinh his mistakes and gets angry if you accuse him for something), I was compromising my desires (My mistake #1). We were living together and I was feeling alone the last months so I asked him to discuss this and see why this happens.
He thought it for some weeks and then he told me that we do have issues but he does not know the way to solve them and asked me for a break. I had to leave the apartment and go back to my parents and I was totally broken inside. He though asked me to stay friends and still talk as he was still caring for me and wanted to be part of my life. I accepted that because the pain was too much to endure and I took this help aid (My mistake #2).
He started dating another girl after 3-4 weeks and as we were regularly talking, I called him and cried and let him see how awful I was feeling (My mistake #3). He tried to calm me down saying he still cares but we should move on and try to calm and that this girl means nothing to him.
After 3-4 months, we came closer (he was alone – as me) and we slept together 2-3 times (My mistake #4) and he asked me to keep this in that way (not staying together but have sex and keep it between us). But I told him that after so many years being together is like going back 10 steps and we are not progressing anything, so I stopped it.
We then continued to talk every 3-4 days, with messages or short typical calls. I was depressed and was managing too hard to forget my ego and my broken heart and focus on the good aspects only and stop being sad. I was trying to go out and have fun or flirt with others but I could not, I was always sad and crying at nights. During these months, we had many fights related to common friends and how to handle this break up in a better way and the wound was not closing and I could not put an end to this frequent contact with him for not making believe I was not loving him (My mistake #5).
Some days we were going for a coffee and I was telling him in cases, that we could be back together if he would ask sorry for all the pain he gave me and if he could accept his errors etc.. I was also laughing at him, telling him he will never find anyone like me, but it was in a joking tone, not with anger or something (My mistake #6). He was telling me that we cannot be again together, and he still cares. I was asking him to tell me the real reason for breaking up and he was telling me there is no sense to discuss the past and If I wanted to move on I am free to do it.
So, 3-4 months ago, I decided to really change, I promised this to myself. I started working with me, reading books, making hypnosis sessions to heal my heart, seeing all my mistakes (I have added some of them above), trying to let anger and the bad memories go away and find my inner peace.
And I started to achieve it. I was waking up happier and happier every day, I started to enjoy again my job, my family, my friends, my life in whole. I started to have dreams for the future and I was loving my ex now as a human being – with respect to his wishes, without my ego inside. After a while I also start to go out on some dates, but without finding anything special, it is more like trying for a rebound relationship, but as I started to enjoy the aspect of a new coming man in my life, it made me understand that I can have chances to be loved again and smile and feel happy.
AND THEN, at that exact point when I was happy again, my ex started to make his communication more intense! He asked me to go out and I told him I couldn’t. He asked me if I had a boyfriend and I told him that I started to go out again and I want to start over my love life.
He started then to act like crazy. He told me that there was still a chance for us and now, If I would move on I would ruin it and he didn’t like to talk to me again or see me. I tried to calm him down explaining to him it is too late to ask (demand actually) this and I asked why he was for so many months negative to this. He was then telling me that for months I was begging him and I was demanding him to ask sorry and see his mistakes, but now I was seemed to be more mature and we could work things out. He used the fact that I was trying for months to be with him like I was supposed now to give a try for us and could not understand me being hesitant. He also told me he lost chances of doing 2-3 relationships these years because I was still talking to him and he was feeling guilty, so he was not moving on seriously with the girls he was dating. He told me he isn’t asking us to be together again but for me to stop talking with others so that he has a chance to win me back again and try both of us on our relationship. He was telling me this time will be different and give a chance to us again.
I said no. Because I felt my life was going to a better direction without him and even if it was for only some months, for me it was relieving. And because I saw all my mistakes to this situation and didn’t want to be in these again. And because I didn’t see any regret/understanding for his own mistakes (again, it was all about me, that I changed, I didn’t see any change on him actually).
The next 5-6 days were a hell, he was either sad and crying telling me I ruin 7+ years of us, or he was angry with me, or he was telling me I am mistaken and my friends or family affect my decisions. Or that because I have a boyfriend I say I don’t want to be with him again and I ruined everything and didn’t expect me to turn out like that (selfish, stupid etc..). He never hurt me so much with his words, even when we broke up, cause at that point I was broken but I felt he still cared for me. Now I see an angry resentful broken man, and I feel really sad for all these as they are all my fault 🙁
So, I finally told him to stop contact me and allow ourselves some months before start talking again. I know I did the right thing, as I could not handle these fights anymore.
But I feel totally sad, more that the first time. I feel guilty, I feel sad, I am afraid I may make a mistake and should give another chance, or that I will end up alone forever and should try to work things out with him now. I also stopped again to feel happy and I am not at peace with me. I feel like it is all my fault and I don’t know how to handle it. It’s like going back months before. And I am thinking of him, being alone and sad and I wish I could help him, but I don’t think going back to a relationship with unresolved issues would work.
Had anyone of you any similar situation? How would you handle it? Thank you for reading all these and for your answers!April 20, 2017 at 9:00 am #146003
You listed your mistakes. I will list a few of his mistakes (and look later for a word more accurate to describe his behavior):
Mistake #1: he told you that the girl we was dating “means nothing to him”- I don’t think he said that to her: you (name) mean nothing to me”- he told you that (dishonest, manipulative).
Mistake #2: He had sex with you after the breakup and asked you “to keep this in that way (not staying together but have sex and keep it between us)”- why keep it between you? Afraid if you tell, someone will tell you it isn’t right?
Mistake #3: “I was asking him to tell me the real reason for breaking up and he was telling me there is no sense to discuss the past and If I wanted to move on I am free to do it”- not discussing the past makes it impossible to improve a future relationship. At the time he preferred no future relationship (other than casual sex) than discussing the past.
Mistake #4: After you feeling better about your life: “He was then telling me that for months I was begging him and I was demanding him to ask sorry and see his mistakes, but now I was seemed to be more mature and we could work things out.” but later he told you that you “ruined everything and didn’t expect me to turn out like that (selfish, stupid etc)”- so which is it: mature or selfish, stupid, etc.?
And what happened to his statement: if-you-want-to-move-on-you-are-free-to-do-it?
Mistake #5: He continues (his pattern) to blame you for what you are not responsible for, and making absurd, dramatic, false accusations: “He also told me he lost chances of doing 2-3 relationships these years because I was still talking to him…telling me I ruin 7+ years of us, or he was angry with me, or he was telling me I am mistaken”
I used the word “mistakes” for the above. These would be his mistakes if his goal was to have a healthy, loving relationship with you, which would include you being happy in a relationship with him.
The word “mistakes” is not accurate here, because his goal is NOT to have a healthy, loving relationship with you. His goal is NOT that you will be happy in a relationship with him.
You wrote: “I started to achieve it. I was waking up happier and happier every day, I started to enjoy again my job, my family, my friends, my life in whole. I started to have dreams for the future..” – it is when you were happy that he became dissatisfied, unhappy. When you felt happy, he started his crusade to make you unhappy, and he succeeded. The result of his crusade is that you are currently unhappy and you are considering returning to a relationship with him.
Because of his success, I am changing “mistakes” to “dishonest and successful strategies”.
Your thoughts/ feelings?
anitaApril 20, 2017 at 2:52 pm #146081
first of all, thank you so much for reading all of these and for replying back to me.. It really means a lot to me..
I have been also thinking all these were strategies and not mistakes – cause he did not even bother to admit them.. And when you hear someone crying you tend to believe him more..
I know I did many mistakes my self as it was my first long term relationship and my first actual break up and was behaving in a childish way too. The fact is that I thought about all these and managed to become more mature and respect my self.. I also believe like you, that if you don’t want to discuss what went wrong, there is no good and clear intention to ask for a second chance as nothing is solved..it is already meant to fail.. And I feel he started all these because I told him I started dating again.. I always knew this “you can move on if you wish” was said by his safety I would never do it.. When I told him yesterday I need to stop contact with him for finding my inner peace again, he said he never thought I would say that ever.
I still feel sad as I care for him (heap he won and made me miserable) but as I managed to overcome it at first I know I will do it again and much faster now..
Your comments help a lot – I feel that ashamed for his behavior that I did not say all these that happened the last days to my friends.. I really hope he will accept my desire to keep distance and understand that we are better apart and move on with his life in the best way..
Relationships should make us happy, not frustrated and worried, right ?!April 20, 2017 at 3:40 pm #146083CraigParticipant
I love the fact that you’ve been grappling with learning what you’ve done and particularly what you can do better in the future. If you ex was doing the same thing with some seriousness, maybe there would be a molecule of hope. However, although I think that relationships are rarely always and exactly 50/50 (I see an ebb and a flow, sometimes 70/30, sometimes 30/70, maybe 50/50 for a while, etc.), a relationship can’t go on long when it’s 100/0 in terms of trying to grow up and develop healthy habits and relationship skills. In the end- with all the natural messiness of being human – it DOES take two. I’m not seeing that this guy is doing his work. I hope you will free yourself. And yes, that can be terribly hard. Have been there.
CraigApril 21, 2017 at 4:49 am #146135
thank you so much for your reply. It is indeed very hard. I passed almost the same 2 years ago, at initial break-up, but I think I was for long not accepting it – we were still talking and I was trying to save the situation for months – so I was not in that pain. Now I see that there is no solution and I should keep moving forward.
I think we both have blame for the break up. I had to think a lot and work with me to understand mine. My worst was during the relationship, for not showing my real feelings and not asking for the things I needed. I was always afraid of rejection or making him angry or sad. He was quite jealous many times, although he does nto admit, so I was losing a part of my social self by being careful what I say for him not to get jealous. In general, I was forgetting my needs and lost a big part of my personality and my spontaneous spirit inside this relationship. I see it now that I managed to re find me again. I tried to discuss it now with him, but he could not understand it, he started telling me that it couldn’t be all a lie all these years and I say all these as an excuse to myself because I am afraid to give a chance to us and I am making a big mistake. He can not even think it was also part of his fault by his aggressive ‘I am always right – it’s your fault’ attitude that was making me hesitant to talk 🙁
Without being calm and determined to talk about all these (and others more) problems, I can not see a chance for us. It will still be me trying to save the relationship and I am really tired to try for so long. I am broken, but deep inside me, I feel I am taking the right decision for both of us.
I am broken for letting someone I care alone, but deep inside me, I feel I am taking the right decision for both of us. As Anita also said, I also feel he is using some tactics on me now, cause he knows me very well, and how fragile I can get. So with putting again all the blame/guilties/his anger on me, he made me break into pieces again. Also, he only returned, once he saw I started to be happy and dating other guys; for me it is a sign that his ego was hurt, he could not stand seeing me with another man, and he didn’t do it because he indeed thought for us and understood some things. The previous months, that I have been still trying but I was still in love with him and alone, he could not see a single chance 🙁
Pppffff…. I hope it well gets better soon for both of us. And I hope you do feel better now Craig and the past has only left sweet memories for you 🙂
Thank you!!April 21, 2017 at 8:53 am #146175
You read to me like an honest person. Your ex boyfriend reads to me like a dishonest person.
I am sure you made mistakes and I hope you learn from them and function better in your next relationship, with another man, an honest man.
No matter how perfect you can become, how mistake-free, this relationship cannot work because you are honest and he is not. This is an in-solvable problem: there is nothing you can do to make him honest.
You have focused on your mistakes- good, for that future relationship. Your mistakes have nothing to do with this man’s dishonest manipulative strategies. Think of it this way, if you will: let’s say a con man has been trying to cheat you out of $10,000 during interactions over six months. Do you follow this thinking: I made mistakes with the con man, at times I was childish, immature, etc. etc. I should keep meeting with this man and make no mistakes. Or do you think: this man is trying to hurt me, I better stay away from him?
You are correct: “when you hear someone crying you tend to believe him more..” I don’t know if his crying is sincere. I am sure he feels pain (and may still be crying purposefully to manipulate you!)- but I am sure he feels pain. And this is the lesson I am suggesting you take in more deeply: every person hurts. Even the cruelest person in the world, the sadist, experiences pain, hurt, fear and anger.
When you love some0ne, when you already formed an emotional attachment to a person, you feel empathy for them when they hurt. I understand that. When you find out the person, to whom you are already attached, is dishonest with you, trying to advance his aim at your expense, leading the way to you being hurt and harmed- act rationally, stay away from him even though you feel that empathy.
Next: evaluate a person for honesty before you get too attached, before you develop that empathy.
anitaApril 21, 2017 at 12:32 pm #146221CraigParticipant
You’re very welcome. Seems like you’re doing some important thinking.
You said “I am broken for letting someone I care alone, but deep inside me, I feel I am taking the right decision for both of us.”
When (and if) he tires of being alone, perhaps he will be motivated to learn to do things that don’t drive people away. You are not responsible for his feelings.
Also, you said “So with putting again all the blame/guilties/his anger on me, he made me break into pieces again. ”
I see this a little differently than you. I don’t think he (nor anyone) can break you into pieces. Just as you are not responsible for his feelings, he is not responsible for your feelings. He may *trigger” something inside you, but it is your body that generates the chemical reactions of emotion. This actually is great news, because it means that YOU can do something about it, as you have been. Keep going!April 22, 2017 at 8:32 am #146269
Thank you once again for your answers..
@anita, it’s true that in general, I tend to trust and believe people and think always their intentions are good and honest. I do that also at work and at my friends etc.. I forgive and give chances easily. Yeap, I should be more careful in trusting and continue to trust people that repeatedly hurt me. I think my ex is dishonest and most times to himself too: he can not admit his mistakes or insecurities – he always wants to show cool and strong and the wise one. He pesters the easy way of accusing the others. This is one of the reasons I don’t want to go back there – I can not discuss in real with him, there is always his ego wall between us :/
I told him to stop contact me from now on, but he still messages me that he cares and thinks of me etc. words that would mean more in the past, now I feel are lies for controlling me and make me follow again his desires,.,
@craig: my sister is telling me the same regularly: you are not responsible for other people feelings. They should alone find their way and control their lifes.
I understand that he is not responsible I am now broken again into pieces – I let this happen because I still have feeling and empathy (as anita said) for him. If he meant nothing I would not care.
I really try to turn all these to a positive outcome – to make me stronger and wiser. And I also hope he will learn from his mistakes and become a better person in the future..
thank you both again 🙂April 22, 2017 at 9:06 am #146289
You are welcome. Good thinking, above, I say.
You wrote: “I tend to trust and believe people and think always their intentions are good and honest.”- and then you wrote: “I also hope he will learn from his mistakes and become a better person in the future..”-
I say those were not mistakes but strategies. He may learn from his failed strategies with you (I do hope they continue to fail), and come up with more sophisticated strategies. For example: if you persist in not falling for his current dishonest manipulations aka strategies, and explain to him how important it is for a person to admit their mistakes, it might click in his brain that the following might work: to tell you that he had a breakthrough, that he realizes he made mistakes, that he owns his mistakes… all this will sound good, but may be a new strategy. Be aware.
anitaApril 22, 2017 at 9:56 am #146293
Wow, when I read this Anita, I remembered this: once he was asking me not to date other people for keeping chances open for us, I told him that he can not ask for chances when 2 years now he refuses to discuss the reasons we break up. 2 days afterwards he told me that he wants to discuss for these reasons and he is thinking much time now for this.. well, as you said, he used something I stated I needed as his own idea to make me fall for this :/
You are pretty right i think – if I tell him I need him to see his mistakes he hill come telling me he has seen them …
I really hope and I feel confident that I will not fall again into the trap. My instinct tells me to run away – and I will now listen to it.
Thank you again for your support..April 22, 2017 at 10:09 am #146295
You are welcome. I hope you post again, anytime. If he comes up with a new strategy, and you are confused by it, because of empathy for him, describe the situation here and I will help you (the fact that I am not emotionally attached to him in any way/ not feeling empathy for him, makes such help possible).
anitaApril 28, 2017 at 6:06 am #147095
It is so damn hard.. I tried to stop contact but he keeps on sending me like nothing happened – being the person he used to be years ago.
I told him that I started to see another guy and he started to cry and begging me not to move on and give a chance to us. He came from my house and was like I never had seen him before – like a sad puppy.
But I do not trust him anymore, he killed all hope inside me with his absence for so long.. I know he is just afraid of me going away or being with another guy and it is his ego and controlling nature that speaks now. I was sad but also angry listening all the things I wanted to listen, but not now, months ago. That I am the one, that he loves me, that he only cares for us and all we had was great and it took him long to be sure but now he is and he is sorry and it was a mistake all the break up thing. They sound so good, but a part inside me knows that upon my return, all these will stay words, and again it will be me again trying to save alone the relationship, plus having the fear all the time of a new break up and a new depression period after it for me..
But he made me sad seeing him like this and manages to create a dilemma if i need to give a chance again. His strategies succeeded and made my again a wreck. I blame myself for allowing all these and for not being strong to ignore him from the starting point 🙁
I try to stay strong and keep my decision to move on without him – as I am doing for sooo long. I told him I need to go on my way and only the future will tell if there is ever a chance among us and to stop pushing it and move on with his life as he used to do. He said he will wait for me for as long as it takes as noone else will be me.
It is hard seeing someone you love in pain – even if it comes from his own mistakes and choices. And I am also in pain for myself, for being again in such bad condition and not being able to show my angry determined face.
I am sorry for this kind of ‘diary’ posts – they help me express how I feel a little .. AND Thank you once again for your support!April 28, 2017 at 6:57 am #147099
I am glad you posted, no apology required: you are welcome here to express any and all that you feel. You are allowed here to struggle, to feel sad and even to doubt the good choices you already made.
You are making a lot of sense on this last post, as you did before. Your thinking is logical and effective. The unnecessary problem you are facing is that he has access to you and therefore you are exposed to the “sad puppy” performance. Eventually, with enough time, you are likely to abandon your logical and effective thinking because (as you wrote in your second post), “when you hear someone crying you tend to believe him more.” His very crying, his words, his sad-puppy performance is likely to win you over if you are exposed to it long enough.
Going back to your first post: “he is not easy in understanding his mistakes and gets angry if you accuse him for something… he told me that we do have issues… asked me for a break. I had to leave the apartment and go back to my parents and I was totally broken inside…He started dating another girl … saying.. we should move on… After 3-4 months… we slept together 2-3 times…and he asked me to… have sex and keep it between us…
I was depressed and was managing too hard… I was always sad and crying at nights… He was telling me that we cannot be again together, and he still cares. I was asking him to tell me the real reason for breaking up and he was telling me there is no sense to discuss the past and If I wanted to move on I am free to do it.”
As long as you were hurting he was okay with the break up and he chose to keep the breakup going. But he told you that he cares you when he told you he was seeing another woman and when he told you that you are free to move on. The reason he told you that he cares, I believe, is to keep you attached to him. Because for as long as you were attached to him, wanting him, no matter how miserable you were- he was okay.
And now he wants you back where you were: attached to him, no matter how miserable. Don’t let him succeed. His success is your failure. His joy is at your expense. That “sad puppy” you see will be a happy puppy, wagging his tail if you become the heart broken puppy that you were.
My strong recommendation: do not allow him access to you. Do not expose yourself to his dishonest manipulation. This will be the logical, sensible thing for you to do at this point. Also, better not tell him that you don’t know what the future will bring (in regard to this relationship). Better put a final, determined end to it.
anitaApril 28, 2017 at 8:52 am #147117
thank you once again for being here. It is generally one of my issues the difficulty to say ‘No’. I have the tendency always to be positive and say ‘yes’, due to my low self-esteem and fear of others rejection. I have problems to end things or put the necessary full-stops to people, friendships, relationships and bad situations in general that should stop. I am still tying my best to overcome this and be myself without the fear of others reaction to it and also handle the ‘end’ in some cases.
So, I am also afraid that this fragility inside me will lead me to bo back simply for not being the ‘bad’ one, the one that will end things etc.. I should have said directly the ‘No’ and my fear may gave him hopes. I hope he will leave me alone the next period to manage gather my pieces and re-find my strength and my inner peace to handle this the correct way. I feel like being in 2 pieces; one fragile and vulnerable that wants to be loved and accepted no matter what (so pathetic and wrong!) and another one that is strong and confident to let go of toxic situations and move on.
I try hard to make the 2nd one the one that will lead me from now on – I really hope to make it! I may need to ask for help from a close friend or even an expert – I may need it to help me solve my inability to express fearlessly my feelings and my decisions.
MepinaApril 28, 2017 at 9:27 am #147133
You wish you felt strength and peace of mind so to be able to do the right thing for yourself and prevent him from having access to you. I understand it. Problem is, from my experience, it is impossible to gain that strength and peace of mind first and then assert yourself. The only way to assert yourself, to practice that “strong and confident” part of you, is BEFORE you feel it; to practice it while you are afraid and unsure.
If you get the best professional help to do so, you will still have to endure distress while you practice this new behavior. It is the nature of changing behavior- the distress has to be endured.
A close friend and/ or a competent professional/ therapist can help, definitely, to hold your hand along the way, to encourage you, but the distress will be there. You can take your breaks, go for walks, manage that distress, fuel yourself with the support you need from others, and so, you can make it.
This is your opportunity to practice taking care of yourself. Hoping and waiting for your ex boyfriend to take care of you (“I hope he will leave me alone the next period to manage gather my pieces and re-find my strength and my inner peace to handle this the correct way”) is hoping for the Danger to have mercy on you. And that is… senseless.
This thread, at least in communication with me (the part that is within my control), can be part of that support that you need.