April 28, 2017 at 9:30 am #147135
* didn’t submit properly…April 29, 2017 at 9:38 am #147277
I am afraid I opened a round of discussions and let him again to control my mind and my feelings.. I know it will be too hard to keep my strength and keep on moving – if I were strong enough I would have already done it 🙁 I managed for some months to be happy and relieved from all these; so for the sake of these freedom days that still keep my heart beating in a nice rhythm, I keep on insisting in my opinion. Thank you Anita and the rest for being here, it is nice to be able to express your feelings and finding people to support you..April 29, 2017 at 11:08 am #147311
I didn’t understand: since your last post, has there been more communication with him?
You wrote that you “keep on insisting in (your) opinion”- you mean insisting to him that you are not interested in getting back together as a couple?
You are welcome, Mepina.
And regarding being weak- underneath that weakness, there is a whole lot of strength in you.
anitaApril 30, 2017 at 10:21 am #147411
I had asked him to stop contacting me and I insist that I am not interested in entering again in this relationship. He has not contacted me apart from a message saying that he will leave me alone to relax and think calmly cause I may be stressed at the moment and can not evaluate things right. I told him I want to think nothing else and we ended talking. I am pretty sure though he will re appear in some days asking me to talk.. at least I feel calmer these days – thanks again for your support 🙂April 30, 2017 at 8:52 pm #147483
In his last message, he disrespected you by telling you that you “can not evaluate things right”-
I say: your thinking is sensible and you evaluated things very well, just not the way HE wants you to.
I think he is trying to weaken you, to break you down; to cause you to feel incapable of thinking correctly, understanding correctly.
You feeling calmer is evidence you are doing the right thing.
Please cut all contact with her; see to it that he is unable to contact you, to send you messages, to talk with you or to see you. He is danger to your well being.
You are welcome and do post anytime.
anitaMay 11, 2017 at 5:56 am #149011EmmaParticipant
I have read this post as I am going through the same thing at the moment. Up to the point where I have been begging for my ex back…….. calling, ringing etc non stop. been told he wants nothing to do with me and i neeed to move on etc. i haven’t heard from him for three days so trying really hard to not contact him and it is AWFUL. i am doing really badly at work and with my friendships and family because i cant focus on anything. i have really bad anxiety so i’m suffering with that a lot lately.
have you heard anymore from your ex?
Thanks !May 11, 2017 at 7:39 am #149029
it is indeed an awful situation.
He came back again after some days – I told him I need to stop this but he insisted and once again I said ok for a last meeting. I am stupid – simply said.. He was telling me all the nice things some months ago I would like to hear. As Anita had guessed; once I was telling him that you didn’t understand your mistakes, and I had to kill my dreams of us having family, living together etc., he came back begging to give a chance to us and have a family cause now he is ready for us etc. I was negative and cold and then he started being angry and yell at me that I want to find a new boyfriend and this is why I say all these – then I tried to calm him down mentioning that this has nothing to do with others but to us – and he started to cry and tell me all the great things he wants to do with me. I was so exhausted from the fight and asked him to stay away some days to let things calm down – but of course, he still goes on with sending me messages etc.
He also made me promise that I will stop talking with others (If I do) so that I can sit and think if there is a chance for us and in the meantime, he sends me messages of how awful he feels and how much he loves me. I didn’t promise as he has no right for this but guess what, he made me again feel guilty and sad and angry etc..
Well, although I am sad for him, a lot, I can’t stand this anymore. I know all this agony started by the fact he understood I was not his possession anymore and I was ready to find a new one. This is why he is so intense and he tries to cut my contact from the rest people – so that he takes back his ‘item’ (this is me sadly).
I am on a trip at the moment so I can not do a lot – but upon my return I will tell him to stop contact me and that I am not in love anymore and I will stop replying to his calls/messages etc. I tried to make him understand why I can not be back to this relationship and started to say all teh problems we had – and I made him believe he can still own me as I gave room for discussions. MY MISTAKE.
It is hard that I need to be the bad guy here – but some people simply need a reassurance all the time for your love to boost their ego- nothing else. I can’t believe him anymore as he had so much time to see things. Only when I ‘left’ this relationship -in my heart- he decided to come back. Now it is too late as I feel nothing anymore. He tried to hug me and kiss me and I simply didn’t want it anymore.
I was very sad and devastated at the beginning but now I see better that all these, are his strategies and he is simply trying to control me because he lost his ‘defacto game’. He thought I would wait forever and once he saw me being happy and not in need of him anymore, he came back demanding me back at first – begging then and all the combinations afterwards. Anita was right that all these were strategies – I see it clearly now. He does not respect my feeling or my requests of staying away.
What about your bf? He came back after you started feeling well? Is he also insisting on taking you back? Is he also crying and promises things?! How do you feel? I hope it gets better soon for you – and me.
I am angry with myself allowing al this drama again to my life 🙁
May 11, 2017 at 9:23 am #149047
- This reply was modified 3 years, 12 months ago by Mepina.
Note: good to read your post above (addressed to another member). Again, clear thinking, realistic assessment of reality. Excellent. Post anytime, enjoy your trip and please do keep this unnecessary drama out of your life.
anitaMay 15, 2017 at 3:50 am #149495EmmaParticipant
I’m sorry you are still gong through all of this. He shouldn#t be asking you to keep the promises of not meeting anyone else. It’s such a shame that these things have to happen for us to realise when people aren’t right for us. I feel like you need to cut contact completely because by the sounds of it, too much has happened now to go back. My friends kept warning me that after so long things get to the point where there’s nothing you can do to go back. too much is said and done. I feel like you definitely need to cut contact though as hard as it is. hopefully the trip you are on will help you clear your mind and remind you that you don’t need that drmaa in your life.
As for me, a week has past now with no contact. I feel better for it but a part of me can’t believe that i haven’t heard from him. I was the “love of his life” we lived together, talked about getting engaged. i really thought i had a future with him but half way through our relationship i caught him texting his ex and arranging meet ups etc. i caught a lot of inappropriate photos on his phone and i just feel like he was never really ready to settle down. this infuriated me as i felt i had invested more into the relationship than he had and moved in etc gave up more for someone who never really put any effort in for me. When i decided to leave i genuinely thought he would chase after me and change but nearly 2 months down the line he has just been enjoying his life, drinking constantly with his friends and no doubt have another female (or more) on the go….. I know i am better off without him but it hurts my heart so much for weeks i was calling and begging and crying for him to come and see me and i got nothing other than blamed and told everything was my fault. i’m trying to plod on everyday to move on with my life but it’s so difficult i check my phone constantly to see if he has contacted me but nothing… i find it difficult to talk to new men because i keep comparing them to him. what do i do???May 16, 2017 at 1:26 am #149617
only time will ease the pain I think. Try to concentrate on yourself and seek for family and friends help – company. That had helped me at the days of the break up 2 years ago – also the same happens these days. Talking to some friends, focus on your work and yourself to get distracted will help I think. It took me also much time to overcome him – at first it was all agony and jealousy and frustration, then it was self-esteem doubting and I was blaming myself, then it became slowly the past. One day I simply woke up and didn’t care anymore.
I was not caring why we broke up, I didn’t care if it was my fault or his, if he sees other girls, if he was my other half and lost one-time-only life chance to be together etc.. I simply started to live my life normally with focus on my needs – and it was really awesome feeling after so much time of pain and over thinking.
It takes time so I think you need to accept there is this difficult period – and simply understand it is a period, like having the flu: it comes, it breaks you down, but after some time you start recovering until you are healthy again.
What I have learned from all this time, is that some relationships learn us to love, and others (the toxic ones) learn us to love ourselves in the end. And this is the most valuable lesson.
Thankfully this forum, by writing down some thoughts, helps us keep our strength and our steps forward. With my ex crusade all over me these 2 months to ‘take me back’, I started to doubt again everything and started to be weak and blame myself and the pain started all over again. But I can not allow it. Not anymore. He still insists but I don’t care anymore. It hurts to see someone you love crying etc., but it hurts more seeing yourself again in that position. We owe happiness and respect to ourselves and I am sure that in another relationship we will be able to have everything we deserve and thanks to the past mistakes, we can make wiser choices.
Please write anytime – it helps a lot I think to express your feelings 🙂May 16, 2017 at 5:57 am #149623SmileParticipant
I must confess… you have a good heart.. you compassionate and mild at heart.
According to what you said you feel happy and content without him in your life, i will advice you to let him go and move forward. There is a brighter future ahead of you. Just move on sister….
I was/am in a similar i always felt i could turn a bad relationship into a good everytime but i was wrong, the reason i forgave then was just similar to yours i imagine her being lonely and alone so start developing feelings of pity for her. So i went back to her and i went to my unhappiness back because it was a wrong relationship
I will advice look at your life without him , look at the peace you have…. you cant lose that for anything… move on sister
You Derserve A Better LifeMay 17, 2017 at 4:51 am #149717
thank you for your message. I am sorry to hear you had similar struggles with your relationship. I have been also trying to correct things before the breakup – mainly by self-accusing and trying to change myself to adapt to his needs. So I know how energy consuming this is. I am sad these days seeing him suffer etc. but I try to keep strong and focus on myself and my inner peace and needs. He managed to break me down again (I was not that strong to prevent this, unfortunately) and made me feel weak again and question my self-esteem. Bit I now recognize his intentions and also my feelings better and I use my intuition more.
I think, if you feel good inside you and you are able to sleep with a smile on your face in the nights (no matter if you are alone or not) it is the ultimate sign you are going the right direction. If you have sadness and worries, well something is wrong. And we should listen to it!
Thank you all for your support at the forum – it really means a lot.June 20, 2017 at 8:43 am #154208
Some fast update:
I am still so mad at myself for allowing all this drama to come into my life. I tried to keep distance but after many “please let’s go out for the last time” and his theatrical play that “I am ok now, I want to be friend with you, only that, and talk from time to time as adults” I fell into the trap to talk to him again.
He was quite distant for some days so I hoped it was over BUT then again the drama started. He continued to ask me about my moves, where I am, with whom, If I can forgive him and give us a change and he cried again. He even started to yell at me when I told me I can not and I need to move on. He threw some stuff from the table and then he told me several insulting things. I went away cause I was afraid and stopped the ontact again. Some days afterward he told me he went to the hospital because of me and had a quite severe issue. So once again I felt into the trap to try to help him. I am not even sure though if it is truth or a lie for making me forgive him.
I tried to tell him I can not stand all this anymore that I am not in love anymore and he insists to simply talk as friends and we will see if it will happen or not – and in the meantime, he simply acts like I am his gf still. He is texting all time and pretends to be nice and after a while he starts again. I feel really awful and desperate with all this “war’. The crusade, as Anita wisely had said.
I started psychotherapy to help me understand why I am so afraid and with so low self-esteem and I can not cut him off completely but still it does not help.
I feel I lose my mind. I had started dating someone and I was feeling happy before all these but now I am frozen, sad and weak and I can not go on with my life. There is a constant battle and I keep on going from sad to angry and then again the same. Whenever I try to stop talking he is telling me he needs to stay calm cause he is sick and blames me that he will go again to the hospital because of me. I feel like my life has been ruined again – like I am nothing anymore.
I am sorry for writing these here – I really not know what to do. I am generally a strong and determined person with great family and career and friends. First time I do feel so awful and I blame myself for allowing this – it is now 4 months with constant argues and I am exhausted and desperate 🙁
June 20, 2017 at 9:58 am #154244
- This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by Mepina.
I am glad you are back with another update. Being angry at yourself is not helpful. Instead be gentle with yourself. Gentleness and understanding of what motivates you will help.
I am thinking as I type this, that there is a motivation, in you, to make this relationship work after all, a motivation to be with him in a relationship. I can’t figure why else you will allow him into your life, creating such misery in you.
You are very clear about his strategy and that it will not be a good idea to be in a relationship with him, rationally you understand this. Emotionally, I believe, there is a motivation that drives you to allow him in your life. Consider my suggestion here, and if you find this motivation, be gentle with yourself for having it. Accept that you do.
Accepting a motivation you dislike and wish you didn’t have is what is necessary to do for the purpose of not … obeying that motivation blindly. Once you see it, accept it without judgment, you will be able to function better.
anitaJune 21, 2017 at 12:42 am #154340
thank you for your reply. I also understand and tried to find why I allowed all this and kept talking to him all this time. I had a talk with my psychotherapist and after some discussions I saw that I didn’t want to be with him again as I still had open wounds from the way he had treated me in the past and the break up and a new try would only made me sad. I saw that I also confuse pain with love (I pain, so I am in love). We kept talking all this time even apart and now I know that my final NO, will terminate everything completely and I will miss a lot -not a lover- but a friend and I feel in pain. I also feel guilt and shame for my feeling. And I have a general problem in saying NO to people knowing I will hurt them or disappoint them so I always try to be gentle and go things slowly. Oh I have many issues I guess 🙂
After your post here, I tried to see, If indeed a part of me wants to have this relationship, but once I try it I see that I can not. I will miss my friend – but not the boyfriend. If he now would come to tell me he is dating another girl and he is happy, I would be also happy – I would feel guilty free and I could move on.
I know I have made so many mistakes – even If I try not to punish or blame myself, I see myself 4 months ago that I was smiling and I see now how bad I am and I simply can’t stop blame my weaknesses for this 🙁
Thanks Anita once again for your help here. I still try to understand ME through all this mess – I hope this will be a valuable lesson to be learned.