July 13, 2017 at 8:14 am #157870
these are the same thoughts you had as a child, based on the wrong belief that you were the cause of your mother’s withdrawal/ punishment. These thoughts are entwined with the fear, shame, guilt and sadness you mentioned.
Well, exactly, it is the same feeling. By feeling it now and considering these past moments as a child I understand that I had felt them before too. I was a child so I could not logically understand that my mother withdrawal was not actually caused by my mistakes and that she shouldn’t have behaved to me like this. She was always expecting a lot from me and behave more like a grown up rather than a child. And any childish behavior was criticized and she was showing her disappointment on me. So, now, during this phase that I feel the same things, I try to heal the past wounds too.
It only feels at times that the blaming, complaining, dishonestly manipulative noise is safe for you. It only FEELS this way, at times. But look at all the misery it has caused you. Surely, this is a better way for you
Yeap, it felt like this more at the beginning, but less and less as time goes by. So, once these guilties and self-blaming arise, I remember that misery and all his accusations, his anger on me and all his manipulative manners for understanding that being away from this drama is the healthy thing to do for keeping my inner peace.
Thanks again Anita 🙂July 13, 2017 at 9:14 am #157890
You are very welcome. Connections in our brains are formed in childhood aka our Formative Years, and those connections are triggered all through adulthood unless, over time, with understanding, we re-do those connections. Your understanding as described above is correct, that is, fitting reality. Good work on your part (I am impressed!)
As you keep going, the old connections will be activated- they are not gone. They are only “interrupted” at times by your new understanding. You will need to remind yourself of your new understanding, to increase it, over time, so to re-do those connections. It is a process and it takes a lot of patience.
I wish it was as easy as gaining an understanding and a person is done with the problem.
Post again anytime.
anitaJanuary 26, 2018 at 8:48 am #189171
I know it has been a long time, but I was recently thinking about this post and I wanted to post some news.
Over these months, things have been progressed quite a lot, mainly inside me. It all started with my ex, coming back once I had managed to find some peace & happiness inside me demanding me to return to us (he had broken up with me, he had stayed away for 2 years, asking me to stay friends, never discussed for our problems or taking any responsibility and he just freaked out when he saw I was ready to go and live my life).
All this pressure and drama from his side (you can see it at the posts above) revealed my inability to confront others demands and needs and set my boundaries based on my needs and desires so that I can have healthy relationships.
I started psychotherapy and I think it was the best thing I have ever done in my life. At first, I thought it would help me confront my ex and give me some solutions in a sense of instructions “Tell him this and that or do this and that”. I then understood that it was quite different (thankfully). I learned more about myself, my childhood, my insecurities, my inner need to satisfy the rest for not facing their anger/silent treatment. I learned as a kid to try my best to satisfy my mother and be always like a grown-up, talk nicely, not being sad or angry, never say no.
And I saw I was carrying all these demands for years. Leaving my parents’ house, I entered in a relationship with someone (my ex) that was doing the same way as my mom, in a more aggressive way. I only now see how I was manipulated and emotionally abused; he knew more than me my insecurities and my need to satisfy the rest and he was taking advantage every time. I had totally forgotten my desires and needs and I was trying to keep him happy thinking in that way I was the perfect girlfriend, so that was the correct thing to do and that would mean my happiness too.
My body was trying to warn me; and I was kept ignoring it. I write these things to other girls like me that may feel they have found the Mr. perfect that takes care of them and they do everything he asks but somewhere within then they feel something is wrong and feel unhappy. I was unhappy. I was crying often without any reason, I was feeling lonely, I was eating a lot and I was trying to make a diet just for him. I was sad because I thought was not good enough, beautiful enough, not a good girlfriend. So, I was trying to satisfy him more. He needed a breakup, I was leaving. He needed to stay friends with me, I was saying ok. He wanted to hang all around with friends, even If I was hurt, I was saying ok, etc so on. Inside and after the relationship he was deciding and I was saying ok. It didn’t start like that; at first I was trying to say No to some things and he got angry or sad and as that agony was part of my childhood I was trying to change it. So, in the end, I was only saying yes to all cause I was just too afraid.
I had to fall and crawl, but thankfully, I now feel so much better; better than ever before in my life. Like I just now live normally. My ex is out of my life (he sends some messages here and there but I don’t care anymore, I am so angry and disappointed with him – yes, I could not feel anger before, it was a forbidden feeling for the perfect girlfriend I needed to be!).
I moved from my parents’ house and I now live alone. I try to listen to my inner voice and my desires and needs. For the first time, I discover myself. I take care of myself and I am becoming stronger. I am not afraid of staying alone or saying my opinion for not hurting the others. It is still an ongoing process but it was very important for me even to start with it!
I would like to thank mostly Anita for her help the previous months and also the rest posting here. Anita mostly, made me understand some of my inner needs that were leading my actions and she helped me to keep strong and focus on my needs and desires. Thank you so much!
I am writing all these, because I feel like after posting a problem or a bad situation, we should come back to give also a positive feedback, at least a positive progress. For people who were broken like me, not knowing what to do and keep on blaming themselves for everything: there are hope and strength and are inside you. It needs effort to stand on your feet -even if some prefer you to stay down because it makes THEM feel stronger- and you deserve to yourself to be happy and have healthy relationships.
I will post more soon. Take care and I am here for anyone who needs any help !
January 26, 2018 at 9:40 am #189191
- This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Mepina.
What a post, an amazing post and I do hope you post more as you wrote that you will in your last line above.
What a testimony. Thank you so much for returning with this positive feedback and thorough update of your mind and life. Glad you attend psychotherapy, that you moved out of your parents’ house, that you don’t interact with your ex boyfriend… and these are just a part of your ongoing healing process.
Thank you for mentioning me and you are very welcome.
I wish every member here would read your thread and that it will help many.
Anytime you would like any more input from me, and from other members, ask and I will be glad to reply.
anitaJanuary 30, 2018 at 6:04 am #189749
Dear Anita, thank you for your reply and I am glad you are still around here, on the forum, helping all so much!
I felt It was needed to post some of my progress, cause the whole story creates a path and others may find patterns that will help them in their healing process. I still have a lot to learn about me and also heal, but I feel stronger now, in a deeper connection with my feelings and my desires and I manage to see clearly others actions too. It is like waking up a little by little.
It is not an easy procedure as you have to feel again within you past difficult situations and recreate the pain. I was avoiding that for years thinking there is no reason to search for past wounds and suffer again, it is past, let’s go on. Well, that would be ok if the wounds were healed and If I had managed to understand why things happened at first place. If, though, you simply cover or ignore a wound without understanding how it opened and why and what it takes to make it heal, it will start to hurt you again, and maybe during totally irrelevant situations leaving you clueless about the reasons of your pain – making you feel stupid or problematic. Especially if people that understand your insecurities and low self-esteem come around you, they can easily benefit from you, make you suffer more so that they can earn more strength.
Reading again my posts, I see how much self-blaming I was putting on me. We all do mistakes, but my need to satisfy everyone else and then hurting myself if I couldn’t, that was different than a mistake. I was feeling worthy only If others were satisfied with me. So, I was trying during my relationship to be the perfect girlfriend for him: meaning do all his favors, transform to what he needed, neglecting my family, my friends, my dreams, my desires, my personal path in this life, taking a new ‘role’ just to make him happy. His happiness was supposed to be my success, my happiness, my accomplishment.
And the more I was giving, the more he was asking. And the more I was giving. It was a constant agony, a battle, to make it. I only now see how stressed and unhappy I actually was. I had signs that I was covering again. I was simply trying to be what he wanted me to be.
Until he got bored (of course, it became too easy and he took me for granted in the end) and he told me to break up. I left the house, he then moved to a bigger one alone bringing all my things to my parents house in boxes, he started to post photos with other women on FB, he was flirting with a friend of mine in front of me (he was denying this of course and he was telling me I am simply insecure). For 18 months he was telling me to stay friends and in parallel, he was living his life in that way, and I had stayed clueless of what I did wrong and I was still trying to change the things. I was thinking I didn’t give enough, that I was fat, ugly, stupid, insecure, jealous, crazy, problematic, or I asked too much and pressed him or asked less than I should etc.. I was asking him to explain me and he was telling me there is no reason to discuss the past. He was telling me that I am free to move on, but of course, he was calling me each time I was doing a check-in somewhere to ask me with whom I was there and If I had moved on. He was the jealous one, the controlling one, and I was keeping on to stay faithful to us, thinking that this would proove my love and he would return. I stayed alone for so long, trying to earn again his approval!
But, one day I decided to stop all these and start to focus on my self again. I understood it had no meaning anymore. I started to go out again, smile again, take care more of myself. I started to meet new persons too.
And once I started to feel better and started to smile again, he came back, not for giving me all the things I had missed all this time (love and support), but for demanding to take more from me: my love, my commitment, my strength, my dreams, all. He was having me for granted for months and only came back once he saw I was trying to leave. His ego was hurt, nothing more. He lost the control he thought he would always had on me. His ego-boosting supply.
And, because of all the low self-esteem feelings and my need to satisfy the rest, I couldn’t simply shut the door in his face. This made me search for help, as I understood I could not set boundaries, I could not confront someone demanding things from me. I couldn’t say no even If my mind was screaming to me this is what I should do.
And so I opened the blanket with which I had covered all my wounds thinking that was a solution, and I had to finally deal with them. It is not easy. But it is needed and has already helped me to feel stronger and see things in a clearer perspective.
I only now see how many things I was letting to happen without wanting them, how much control I had let others to have on me. How bad opinion I had for myself and I was searching on others for reassurance. I still feel in that way, but less and less, and once I do it, at least I understand that I am doing it and I can observe its pattern.
I hope I will be soon able to post even more positive results and realizations. And I hope all these to help others too. I now see that the solutions, the love, and the happiness are not found on others opinion about us, they are within us, only.
Many wishes to all of and I am here for anyone that needs more details 🙂
January 30, 2018 at 7:28 am #189761
- This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Mepina.
Another amazing testimony of your healing process. Again, I hope others will read this, as it is indeed, the real thing, real healing. This is how I know it is real healing: “I still have a lot to learn”- you know that all these understandings and the peace of mind you experience with these understandings is not all there is. You know that you are not done healing, there is no “happily ever after”, all problems solved existence from now on.
“A deeper connection with my feelings… I manage to see clearly others’ actions too. It is like waking up a little bit more.” It is a waking up to the reality within, our feelings, and without, others’ actions.
“It is not an easy procedure… If, though, you simply cover or ignore a wound… it will start to hurt again, and maybe during totally irrelevant situations”- so well stated, for me.
Here is something very interesting to me: “And the more I was giving, the more he was asking”- what I read today as if for the first time, in this kind of statement, is that he was not getting what he really needed, and that is why he was asking for more and more. What he really needs is what no one can give him, not now and not in the future. Other women can not give him what he needs, their love too will not be enough. This is because what he really needs is in the healing process he is not engaged in.
Hoping and looking forward to read more from you.
anitaJanuary 31, 2018 at 6:54 am #189899
yes I am aware that this healing process is still at its beginning, it is like a path actually, that I am trying to enjoy and discover as it goes, without any stress though to meet an endpoint, a destination or termination/goal. And even if it hurts at times, I must say I enjoy it cause it makes me feel alive and more at peace with myself!
Concerning my ex, well, I guess you are right. His inner insecurities were forcing him to ask for others love and more love and more reassurances that they wanted/liked him. He was asking all time for valuation from me, but without showing any kind of need or low confidence, this is why I could not see that I would never ever meet his expectations.
For example, when he was cooking he was asking “Tell me, isn’t this the best cake you have ever eaten?”, when he was shopping something “Isn’t this t-shirt really great and fit my body perfectly?”. For his work “The top-guru guy on my field said he loved my job, the presentation I did was great, wasn’t it?!” So, he was always showing to me that he is extremely sure of himself, very confident and all these questions were there just to show me how important/strong/great he was, not because he needed my evaluation, but to remind me how lucky I was for having him, how clever he was and how many issues I did have, making me feel less and less all the time. If I would reply something different than what he wanted to above, he would say I do not appreciate things as I should and I can not evaluate thongs right.
So, when he saw I was abandoning my tries to be again together with him and I had started dating again, he started all these demands to win me back because his ego was hurt. Not because he loved me. I had been there for months trying and he was ignoring my needs. It was nice to see me broken and weak and ready to accept everything, cause he was feeling stronger. But he never admitted he was afraid of losing me and he never said he is jealous or something similar. And as for the first time he was seeing me to say ‘NO’ to his demands, he was acting like crazy and started all this emotional pressure on me.
Anyway, my main concern is to look at first inside me, on my own healing path, and also evaluate my relationship with him in the sense of what I did, how I felt and why I let things go to a certain way. People with unrealistic demands and issues may come again in my way and this time, I want to know my boundaries and keep the connection with myself and my needs even during a new relationship. I don’t want to lose ‘me’ again.
For his wounds, well, he is the responsible one and needs to either see them and solve them or keep on using the “perfect super confident smart handsome mr.perfect man” mask he is wearing most of the time to avoid any kind of criticism.
Thank you again for your support all this time anita 🙂February 1, 2018 at 8:31 am #190101
In your healing path, I understand your “main concern being to look at first inside (you)” and not to analyze him further. It is indeed his responsibility to do his own healing and not yours, never has been.
What you write about your healing path is delightful for me to read, indeed you are on the Healing Path!
anitaFebruary 1, 2018 at 8:37 am #190105MarkParticipant
Wow! What a testimonial to your recovery and healing Mepina!
I invite you to share your wisdom and experience with others who are struggling in their lives under similar circumstances/relationships.
MarkFebruary 12, 2018 at 1:37 am #191973
Thank you both for your supportive comments! It is still a tough road for me and in cases, it hurts, but I feel stronger and more confident every day.
One of my biggest struggles is not to be afraid of others rejection and opinion about me. I have been for years, a child trying to please my mum, for having her love and acceptance and follow whatever she had in mind for me, to be the ideal ‘like an adult’ child. He, being distant to me whenever I was failing, was a real pain and agony for me and I was trying my best for not happening again.
I am still afraid of re-feeling that pain and I keep on trying to avoid it by letting others manipulate me in the end, based on their needs and expectations for me (the ideal girlfriend, the ideal lover, the ideal employee, the ideal friend), as I feel they are going to leave me If I say No or oppose myself to something they want. And this does not only apply to relationships, but also to working environment and friendships. At least now, I understand why I am afraid, of what I am actually afraid of and how that old pain from a distant&strict mother caused this fear. Knowing the enemy helps you fight and understand yourself better. I have still a lot to learn and a lot to fight. But day by day it is clearer within me.
I will surely be around and post soon more news, this forum helped me a lot back then!
February 12, 2018 at 5:52 am #192001
- This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Mepina.
You are welcome and I appreciate your posts, thank you. Healing for me is not and has not been a linear process, that is feeling better and better every day. I still feel distressed at times, more times than I would like, seven years in the process.
You wrote: “I am still afraid of re-feeling that pain”- and yet, you are re-feeling it anyway, this is why currently, at the present, “one of (your) biggest struggles is not to be afraid of others rejection”-
It is more awareness of fear that we reject, automatically. The fear is there and has been there for a long, long time.
Looking forward to more of your posts. Good to read from you!
anitaFebruary 13, 2018 at 12:44 am #192159
Healing for me is not and has not been a linear process, that is feeling better and better every day. I still feel distressed at times, more times than I would like, seven years in the process.
For me, it feels like the Jenga game. I add small pieces every day but sometimes some do fall and need to re-add pieces. The tower keeps getting stronger but some days I see pieces falling, or I notice holes at lower levels of the tower that need attention and I need to remove pieces to make them stronger.
Today, for example, I have a kind of bad day. I started dating someone a few days ago and it felt really nice at first. I was already in a very good phase (as you saw at the posts above) but I had to win my fears for letting my self again into a new affair and trust someone new, and I managed to do it. But it seems he is not that interested in a relationship, he looks for a kind of free relationship or something like that, while I need a more committed relationship, to date more often, go to see a movie etc (not just having casual sex). I tried to communicate this to him and he seemed he didn’t want anything more than this and he got distant. I felt again the rejection I am always afraid of. The sudden ‘no talking’ thing that my mother was doing and was making me feel I did something awful or that I asked something I shouldn’t have.
And it hurts. And some of my Jenga pieces felt down. But this time I understand better what is actually that hurts me and I feel stronger on how to handle it. I do not blame myself for not being good enough, beautiful, smart enough and the rest. I just understand we are in different phases and that it was a good thing I asked for what I need and didn’t simply follow his desires (maybe the first time I ever did that..) even If it didn’t work out in the end. At least I know I can now set some boundaries even if this means that some people will leave.
It hurts, it is not easy to deal with it instantly but I am working on it. I try to see the good things all this caused, search within me and understand me more.
I will post soon again, I hope to have more insights from this healing path.
Thank you all again, especially you anita!February 13, 2018 at 5:01 am #192169
I like your Jenga game imagery, very much so. Your practice in your recent dating experience to not “simply follow his desires” is a very good practice, and it is a new experience, this satisfaction that you feel about your new behavior is a feeling that gets recorded in your brain, a new feeling connected to new behavior, that is a new neuropathway and that is definitely a new Jenga piece.
Interesting you wrote: “some of my Jenga pieces felt down”- you meant fell down, correct? Both are true, you felt down, that is an automatic feeling based on an old neuropathway, a pathway that will stay with you for a long time, but the new neuropathway I mentioned above and other new to come, change the mapping of the brain, and that is what healing is about.
You are welcome and thank you for being here and posting. It is informative and pleasurable for me to read from you and reply.
anitaFebruary 13, 2018 at 9:16 am #192223
yes, I was meaning ‘fell down’, but as you stated, both are correct. Pieces fell down, but I also felt down.
It was indeed a new experience for me, expressing the way I would like this to go and at the same time rejecting what he proposed and saying No. He proposed me to meet just for sex and I told him that If he has not enough time to give more to this relationship then, I do not like to be squeezed inside his program like that, and not to meet. He apologized and said I was totally right, but then he ghosted me.
When I was texting that message I felt it was the first time in a romantic relationship that I was saying no to something like to this to someone I had started to have feelings for, knowing the risk of losing him. As it happened. But it was the correct and healthy thing to do; expressing my desire and my boundaries and also saying that I didn’t like something. It caused fear and pain afterward, but yes, it also gave me a new experience, how it is to listen to your inner needs and thoughts and express them. It is a new lesson for me.
I had listed so many of my mistakes at my very first post; one was that I was not listening to my needs and I was not expressing them. I now feel stronger to be an equal in a relationship. If I can not, then well, I started to enjoy the company of myself too the last months so the fear of rejection is less, knowing I can take care of myself and enjoy it 🙂
February 13, 2018 at 10:40 am #192255
- This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Mepina.
A delight to read. You wrote: “It is a new lesson for me”, a lesson as in learning. This is what emotional healing is about, learning. New learning recorded in new pathways that interrupt the old.
The more I exercise reasonable self control in spite of fear, the more I operated in alignment with what I value, the more I functioned for me and not against me, I too like my own company.