Home→Forums→Relationships→My ex returned when I started being happy again..
- This topic has 73 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 4 months, 2 weeks ago by Anonymous.
June 21, 2017 at 6:40 am #154380AnonymousGuest
You wrote in your last update: “it is now 4 months with constant argues and I am exhausted and desperate’-
Fact is him being in your life in any capacity is harming you and has harmed you for a long time.
The healthy thing to do for any living thing, from a one cell amoeba, to plants and animals is to avoid harm.
There is no special rule for humans in this regard: we too need to avoid harm.
You feel empathy for a person who is harming you. Can you imagine, in nature, a deer feeling empathy for a mountain lion? What if the deer thought something like this: “oh, poor mountain lion, he is hungry, it is not his fault he is hungry… “- that would demotivate the deer from running away and avoid being eaten.
Redirect your empathy to yourself and keep harm away.
anitaJune 21, 2017 at 6:42 am #154338searchingccParticipant
I’m glad I stumbled upon your post…it’s basically the same story for me for the past ~7 years. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone, and you are not crazy. And thank you for sharing your story – it gave me some comfort, and some hope.June 22, 2017 at 7:41 am #154526
Thanks again Anita.
You had written some weeks ago: “Dear Mepina: In his last message, he disrespected you by telling you that you “can not evaluate things right”- I say: your thinking is sensible and you evaluated things very well, just not the way HE wants you to. I think he is trying to weaken you, to break you down; to cause you to feel incapable of thinking correctly, understanding correctly.”
Well, that is what he did in the end!! You knew that already and I had been warned and I simply put myself into the trap like an idiot 🙁 Yeap I am that stupid deer trying to understand others needs and desires without seeing my own ones and by ignoring the danger. I need to understand why I tend to allow pain into my life and keep lowering my self-esteem and respect.
I was happy some months ago and now I am miserable again and I know that for my feelings, only me is the responsible. I could keep my balance and simply ignore anything else. Luckily I have support from my family these days – they try to remind me I do deserve happiness above all. Again, thank you all here for giving us a way to express our problems and get some feedback.
@ searchingcc: at what point are you? He/she left you and then came back to make you feel guilty for all?! Share some details I guess they will help 😉June 22, 2017 at 7:58 am #154532AnonymousGuest
It is sad that some people try to weaken and break down other people, to hurt others, and yet, it happens a whole lot. In nature, danger to the deer comes from the mountain lion/ predators of other species. In humans, most danger comes from members of the same species, other humans, like your ex boyfriend.
You wrote: “I need to understand why I tend to allow pain into my life”- we can look into it here, on your thread, if you want. Let me know.
anitaJune 23, 2017 at 4:47 am #154642
I think my main problem (and the secret motivation of making things to work) is that I am afraid to make other people sad or angry.
I generally do this: If one is upset with me, even if I am 100% right and maybe not even the one that actually caused it, I feel guilty and sad. I feel I disappointed the other person and I am a bad person for hurting him/her. So, I tend to try to calm and ease others and this makes me feel I am a good person (I tried to make them happy so all are ok) even If actually, I eliminate myself by accepting others desires and bad behaviors and neglect my desires and my feelings. I need to work more with myself to overcome this so that I do not feel all the time responsible for others feelings.
There are good people out there; some of my friends that know how I behave (my guilt tendencies) and they never take advantage of it. But, others, like my ex-boyfriend or some friends, can push the correct buttons to create this feeling for achieving their own goals and manipulate me.
This whole issue, made many of my hidden fears, problems, childhood memories etc to reveal and urge me to finally face them, see them and also solve them and stop to ignore them anymore. I really hope this whole procedure to make me a stronger and more confident person.
Thank you again for everything!June 23, 2017 at 5:32 am #154652AnonymousGuest
You are welcome. You wrote: “I am afraid to make other people sad or angry”- you learned early, as a child, that it is dangerous to make other people sad and angry.
When someone interacting with you is sad and angry with you, you automatically feel that you are in danger, you feel fear, and so, you react to that fear by doing all you can to eliminate the danger: “to try to calm and ease others… make them happy so all are ok”
When an animal feels it is in danger (a predator nearby), all other concerns (eating, mating, playing) are put aside and the danger is attended to. And so, you attend to the danger (another person’s anger, sadness), and all other concerns (“I … neglect my desires and my feelings”) are put aside.
Why was other people’s anger and sadness dangerous to you, I ask. It could be that when a parent was sad and angry with you, that parent punished you in some way- by overt aggression, or covert. Your thoughts/feelings on the matter?
anitaJune 23, 2017 at 8:39 am #154680
I think as a child, I was feeling I was disappointing my mom once I was doing something childish. She didn’t get angry or punishing me (hit me or shout) but many times she was becoming disappointed with me, telling me: “oh, that was very childish of you and I didn’t expect it from you, you should be more mature and grown up”. And then was distant and sad and in cases she was nto talking to me for much time – that was quite a punishment I guess. So, in my try to win her again I was trying to be good and make the things she wanted so that I would not disappoint her anymore – behave more like an adult and less like a child. It was a distant agony – I could not see it back then but I see it now. This is why I have been always more mature than my age and other children and I have still this guilty feeling once I can not fulfill other desires from me 🙁
I had seen the issue some time ago – but still, even If I have found the root (at least some of the roots) I can not solve it. I guess I need to accept it, forgive her and myself and then stop repeating it or at least try to break free from the pattern.June 23, 2017 at 9:13 am #154684AnonymousGuest
Your mother wanted the child that you were to not act like a child, a fundamental… misunderstanding on her part.
You wrote: “I had seen the issue some time ago.. even if I have fount the root.. I can not solve it.”
You have seen the issue with your intellect, your Rational Mind. But you have not seen the issue with your heart, your Emotional Mind. How do I know it? Because you wrote regarding her silent treatment of you/ withdrawal from you: “that was quite a punishment I guess”- you wouldn’t be guessing, if you saw the issue with your heart.
Her withdrawal from you, do you remember how it felt?
anitaJune 24, 2017 at 5:18 am #154768AnonymousGuest
A bit more about rational and emotional understanding: when you were a child given the silent treatment by your mother, that was scary, the emotion was fear. For a child, to lose her mother, be it to death or to the silent treatment, feels like being alone, unprotected, uncared for, and like a fawn, a young deer, having lost its mother, it means death to itself.
When your mother told you that you disappointed her and looked sad and distant, giving you the silent treatment, you reacted with fear and guilt. The fear- you dissociated from best you can, as children do, because to feel fear on and on is impossible for the body to withstand. The guilt- that part is what get triggered in your present life when someone expresses disappointment/ displeasure with you. You again feel, just like you did when you were a child: “I feel guilty and sad. I feel I disappointed the other person and I am a bad person for hurting him/her.”
The guilt you described is a Core Belief. Strong emotions holds the guilt in place. It is very difficult to change core beliefs. It is not enough to rationally understand this. So this very post I am typing, in no way can cause this change. Unfortunately, it is required to understand this emotionally, meaning, it is necessary for you to bring back those emotions of the child you were, to bring those emotions into your awareness.
Then you will not only rationally know anything, you will BELIEVE what you know. And then you can change a belief you evaluate as incorrect. This is a process, best started in quality psychotherapy.
anitaJune 24, 2017 at 9:28 am #154796
Dear Anita, thank you once again for all this effort and your answers I really appreciate it.. I started pscychotherapy due to this situation with my ex as I understood I had problem to handle it due to inner wounds. By talking I saw this constant guilt feeling and I have been told the same by my therapist “the need to remember the feeling inside me” as a child and not only the actions.. I guess it will take time to bring back the feelings and heal the soul somehow not only rationally but also emotionally. But at least I came to the position to realize some things and why I do react like this. Some months ago I was not aware I had such traumas inside me – now I do remember and I recall the pain somehow. The felling of abandonment and insecurity.. the fear of lonileness and my constant tries for not provoking that again..
It is weird that the return of my ex and all these strategies / pressure on me actually woke up parts in me that needed care and I was only ignoring them for so long.
The post here and the whole story started by focusing on another person actions – my ex. But my inability to protect myself and my desires leaded to another direction: to me. It finally became an inner-personal-soul analyzing and healing process.
It will need time but I already feel stronger somehow ..June 24, 2017 at 10:12 am #154806AnonymousGuest
I am so very pleased to read your last post, this morning. You are definitely on the right path, the healing path. Excellent. It does take time and ongoing work. This kind of work, emotional understanding, recalling, processing- cannot be rushed. It is simply impossible to rush it (I tried!)
Post anytime. I will definitely be interested to read, if you are willing to share, if it is good for you to share, your progress in therapy, and otherwise.
anitaJune 24, 2017 at 11:23 am #154816
I will surely post my progress and anything else here. Not only because it helps me, along with your great feedback and suggestions I do feel always better, but also for others that may find some help here. They may recognize similar patterns and may feel less alone and frustrated. Reading back my story I see how I stared and how I feel now. It was accusations for others acts – while I am the responsible for protecting my feelings and my desires despite others demands.
This forum has helped me already so much and I hope it will help others too. Many Thanks especially to you Anita!
So I will return soon and I hope to have positive progress!June 24, 2017 at 8:06 pm #154852AnonymousGuest
What a delight it is reading your post. You are very welcome. I appreciate the warm, kind person that you are. Your last post reads positive and energetic. You are welcome to post here whether you are positive or negative, feeling good… or not so good.
I hope your posts are helpful to people reading, replying or not, I know you have helped me already, and so, thank you!
anitaJuly 11, 2017 at 8:51 am #157462
As promised, here is some progress, or maybe some thoughts.
It’s been now 20 days since my ex talked to me for the last time. Of course, at his last call, he told me he was pissed off with me and all the arguments I was causing (I was causing them?! – he was the one asking me every time things, but anyway..) and is now his decision not to talk to me anymore (even If I had demanded that many times, but being weak I was replying to him).
So, he stopped contacting me and put the blame on me for this. It is something that now didn’t suprised be – he knew me better than I knew me, he knew that I had this guilty issues and so he is now trying to punish me with his silence.
As I analyzed before, this was always a scary situation for me, having caused pain or anger to others and then they blame me, accuse me and stop talking to me. I was trying hard at the whole relationship to prevent this from happening and I was ignoring my desires and my needs many times. And I got to a point with all these not only to understand my inner fear (of rejection and disapproval and silent treatment as punishment) but also to face it right on my face from someone I really loved.
The first days I was still in fear and shock, I was having nightmares with him yelling at me or feeling I could not breathe, I could not eat well and wanted to cry all the time. I was numb and terrified. Then, I felt better but I was still in fear. I was in pain. And because the last years with him I had connected love to pain so much, I was feeling like I love him. I understand this is a mind game though. I do care for him and I wish him happiness and peace of mind from now on – I never cursed him or something, but I am not in love anymore and I really want him out of my life even if it hurts.
After the constant fights and all these years of relationship (even the frequent talking during breakup) they all left an empty space in my life that caused silence and pain and started to make me wonder again: “was I wrong? Did I have mistaken again? sure, it was my problem, I made everything wrong, I hurt him, I hurt also myself, I made him angry, he is now out there sad, or angry blaming me and he is right, I messed it up.Was the relationship that bad? I was overreacting thinking that he was using me or am I sure I do not want him? He loves me that much this is why he was trying, I am so stupid and didn’t appreciate him I should have forgiven him for breaking up with me, for lying or yelling at me.. I should have done something differently to avoid all this pain” and so on… Guilty feelings, shame, and sadness. And fear of what is coming next.. “I will never be happy again, I lost all my life now, I am nothing, he was right, I will never been loved again and I will regret it..”
But, it is simply the aftershock effects. I feel like a prisoner who is now free and is afraid he already lost so much time in prison that it does not worth living anymore, he is not aware of the future that comes, he feels so different from the person he was before and starts to believe it was ok being in the prison and was not that bad after all cause he was safe and had a routine and protection and no worries for his future and the guards were friendly to him and bringing him food and the things he needed. And he could enjoy also some walks in the yard during the weekends, so it was quite good after all, why was he complaining back then?!
So, I am trying these days to keep my thoughts clear and avoid these ‘detoxing phase’ feelings. I also work on tracking the feelings such behaviors had caused me in the past making me so afraid of rejection so that I understand that I should not feel responsible for others opinion on me and constantly fighting with my own desires to satisfy others.
It is a long process but for the first time, I feel so much more aware of my inner needs and issues. Knowing the problem makes it always better to solve it.
I am still weak and even my body is still complaining after all this drama I let into my life – but I am on healing and learning process.
I will soon return with more, and I am determined to post more positive things this time. I own it to my broken inner self to finally have a happy life 🙂
Thank you all!July 11, 2017 at 10:27 am #157490AnonymousGuest
Earlier on this very page, you wrote: ““I am afraid to make other people sad or angry,” and you shared that when your mother was displeased with you, she “was distant and sad… not talking to me for much time – that was quite a punishment.”
These thoughts, stated in your last post: “Did I have mistaken again? sure, it was my problem, I made everything wrong, I hurt him, I hurt also myself, I made him angry, he is now out there sad, or angry blaming me and he is right, I messed it up”- these are the same thoughts you had as a child, based on the wrong belief that you were the cause of your mother’s withdrawal/ punishment. These thoughts are entwined with the fear, shame, guilt and sadness you mentioned.
Twenty days of silence from your ex boyfriend felt badly at first, but then it felt better, and now you are on “on healing and learning process”- his withdrawal is a good thing. I wish he continues it and if he doesn’t, I hope you restore this silence.
It only feels at times that the blaming, complaining, dishonestly manipulative noise is safe for you. It only FEELS this way, at times. But look at all the misery it has caused you. Surely, this is a better way for you.