Dear miyoid:

You are welcome. You shared that your boyfriend moved to another house weeks ago, and both of you adapted well to your new living situations. You sometimes appreciate living on your own, having your own space. You are still in a relationship with him, although it is not a defined relationship. Yesterday, he invited you to dinner for the next day. You figured that you cannot have dinner with him, but would like to send the night with him. You called him but he didn’t answer your call for almost 12 hours, and you figured that the reason is that “He was playing games and he probably slept, if nothing bad happened. Or maybe he is in a depressive state”. You were “not -that- anxious”, but anxious nonetheless, feeling hopeless and alone while other people around you have “some quality bonding with people they care about”. You wrote about yourself: “I am onto nothing, I am just doing what people want me to do”.

Regarding career, you get involved with this and that, but you don’t stay with anything long enough to master it, being “all over the place, not able to decide which paths to take and which fields to  invest my time in”. You shared that you suffer from “unstable blood sugar levels” that makes you tired all the time, and in your life, there is “no consistent relationship, no consistent field of work or interest. Nothing is consistent about my life besides being inconsistent. I guess the reason behind my depressiveness is that I have no goal. I cannot trick myself into wanting something bad enough to motivate me”. All your life you “wanted outcomes, not processes… too materialistic to believe in something.. too logical to invest my energy into ideology. Weird.”

My thoughts today: it’s like the life was sucked out of you at an early age, and whatever little life was left ever since flickered here and there with this and that interest before being extinguished again, light out, dark again. I think that the life/ light went out when at one point on, as a child, you spent too much time alone, for too long, day after day, year after year.

As social animals, the life we feel is in the emotional bonding we experience with others. We feel alive when we bond and connect. If you watch a dog, another social animal, when it sees another dog or a person, its tail starts wagging, and it proceeds to bond and connect with the other dog, or person- that’s the life that I am talking about.

Having had much of life extinguished in me as well, I know from personal experience that you can get that life back, and your experience of living will significantly change as a result.

anita