Dear Christina:

Thank you for sharing your real name, and for returning to your thread. I am touched and moved beyond words to read your progress. Your thread is a testimony of an honest, intelligent, persevering and gracious woman on the healing path, fully engaged with the ongoing, never-ending healing and learning process. If you are okay with it, Christina, I would like to activate this thread once in a while so to bring it back to page 1, in the hope that more members read and benefit from your exceptional thread.

You started this thread on April 20, 2017, four years and four days ago. You were suffering at the time in the context of a romantic relationship of seven years with a man who communicated with you in dishonest ways, taking advantage of your fears and difficulties by using them to hurt you.

In this post, I will quote what you shared on the days you posted (I will be typing each every word that follows because it helps me process information better this way). In a second post to  be submitted tomorrow, I will share my thoughts about the quotes in this first post.

April 20, 2017: “one of my issues (is) the difficulty to say ‘No’. I have the tendency to always be positive and say ‘yes’..  I have problems to end things or put the necessary full-stop to people, friendships, relationships and bad situations in general that should stop… I feel like being in 2 pieces: one fragile and vulnerable that wants to be loved and accepted no matter what.. and another one that is strong and confident to let go of toxic situations and move on”.

June 20, 2017: “I started psychotherapy to help me understand why I am so afraid”.

June 21: “I have a general problem in saying NO to people knowing I will hurt them or disappoint them, so I always try to be gentle and go things slowly. Oh I have many issues I guess”.

June 23: “I generally do this: If one is upset with me, even if I am 100% right.., I feel guilty and sad. I feel I disappointed the other person and I am a bad person for hurting him/ her. So, I tend to try to calm and ease others and this makes me feel I am a good person… There are good people out there; some of my friends that know (about) my guilt tendencies.. never take advantage of it. But others, like my ex-boyfriend or some friends, can push the correct buttons to create this feeling for achieving their own goals and manipulate me…

“I think as a child, I was feeling I was disappointing my mom once I was doing something childish. She didn’t get angry or punishing me (hit or shout) but many times she was becoming disappointed with me, telling me: ‘oh, that was very childish of you and I didn’t expect it from you, you should be more mature and grown up’. And then was distant and sad and in cases she was not talking to me for much time- that was quite a punishment I guess. So, in my try to win her again I  was trying to be good and make the things she wanted so that I would not disappoint her anymore- behave like an adult and less like a child”.

July 11, 2017 (regarding the boyfriend and the relationship at the time): “he stopped contacting me and put the blame on me for this.. he knew that I had this guilty issues and so he is now trying to punish me with his silence… As I analyzed before, this was always a scary situation for me, having caused pain or anger to others and then they blame me, accuse me and stop talking to me. I was trying hard at the whole relationship to prevent this from happening and I was ignoring my desires and  my needs many times… my inner fear.. of rejection and disapproval and silent treatment as punishment.. from someone I really loved…

(Regarding the first days of separating from the boyfriend at the time): “The first days I was still in fear and shock, I was having nightmares with him yelling at me or feeling I could not breathe, I could not eat well and wanted to cry all the time. I was numb and terrified. Then I felt better but I was still in fear. I was in pain… I am not in love with him anymore and I really want him out of my life even if it hurts…

“I feel like a prisoner who is now free and is afraid he already lost so much time in prison that it does not worth living anymore, he is not aware of the future that comes, he feels so different from the person he was before and starts to believe it was ok being in prison and was not that bad after all cause he was safe and had a routine and protection and no worries for his future and the guards were friendly to him and bringing him food… so it was quite good after all, why was he complaining back then?!”

July 13, 2017: “I was a child so I could not logically understand that my mother withdrawal was not actually caused by my mistakes and that she shouldn’t have behaved to me like this. She was always expecting a lot from me and behave more like a grown up rather than a child. And any childish behavior was criticized and she was showing her disappointment in me”.

January 26, 2018: “psychotherapy.. was the best thing I have ever done in my life… I learned more about myself, my childhood, my insecurities, my inner need to satisfy (others) f or.. their anger/ silent treatment. I learned as a kid to try my best to satisfy my mother and be always like a grown-up, talk nicely, not being sad or angry, never say no… I entered in a relationship with someone (my ex) that was doing the same way as my mom, in a more aggressive way. I only now see ow I was manipulated and emotionally abused…

“I moved from my parents’ house and I now live alone. I try to listen to my inner voice and my desires and needs. For the first time, I discover myself. I take care of myself and I am becoming stronger”.

January 30, 2018: “I felt it was needed to post some of my progress, cause the whole story creates a path and others may find patterns that will help them in their healing process. I still have a lot  to learn about me and also heal, but I feel stronger now, in a deep connection with my feelings and my desires and I manage to see clearly others’ actions too. It is like waking up a little by little…

“It is not an easy procedure as you have to feel again within you past difficult situations and recreate the pain. I was avoiding that for years thinking there is no reason to search for past wounds and suffer again, it is past, let’s go on…(as) though, you simply cover or ignore a wound without understanding how it opened and why, and what it takes to make it heal…

“I was feeling worthy only if others were satisfied with me. So, I was trying during my relationship to be the perfect girlfriend for him.. transform to what he needed, neglecting.. my dreams, my desires, my personal path in this life, taking a new ‘role’ just to make him happy. His happiness was supposed to be my success, my happiness, my accomplishment. And the more I was giving, the more he was asking.. It was a constant agony, a battle, to make it. I only now see how stressed and unhappy I actually was…

“I hope I will be soon able to post even more positive results and realizations. And I hope all these to help others too”.

January 31, 2018: “I am aware that this healing process is still at its beginning, it is like a path actually, that I am trying to enjoy and discover as it goes, without any stress though to meet an endpoint, a destination.. And even if it hurts at times, I must say I enjoy it cause it makes me feel alive and more at peace with myself!”

February 12, 2018: “It is still a tough road for me and in cases, it hurts, but I feel stronger and more confident every day. One of my biggest struggles is not to be afraid of others’ rejection and opinion about me. I have been for years, a child trying to please my mum, for having her love and acceptance and follow whatever she had in  mind for me, to be the ideal ‘like an adult’ child… I am still afraid of re-feeling that pain and I keep on trying to avoid it by letting others manipulate me.. based n their needs and expectations for me (the ideal girlfriend, the ideal lover, the ideal employee, the ideal friend).. as I feel they are going to leave me if I say No or oppose to something they want… At least now, I understand why I am afraid.. how that old pain from a distant & strict mother caused this fear”.

February 13, 2018: “For me, it feels like the Jenga game. I add small pieces every day but sometimes some do fall and need to re-add pieces. The tower keeps getting stronger but some days I see pieces falling, or I notice holes at lower levels of the tower that need attention and I need to remove pieces to make them stronger. Today, for example, I have a kind of  bad day.. And some of my Jenga pieces fell down. But this time I understand better.. and I feel stronger on how to handle it. I do not blame myself for not being good enough, beautiful, smart enough and the rest.. I.. didn’t simply follow his desires.. It hurts, it is not easy to deal with it instantly but I am working on it. I try to see the good things all this caused, search within me and understand me more. I will post soon again, I hope to have more insights from this healing path”.

April 23, 2021: “Hello all.. I was reading my posts today and I can clearly see how far I am now from that person, my old ‘me’. I am actually so grateful for my ex and all he did to me, cause his intense and dishonest actions helped me to finally open my eyes and start taking care of myself. The last years and since my last post here, were a great journey for me; with many good but also bad moments, but they all were helping me to learn something new and heal myself more and more… Growing up to a family where dad was leaving for big trips all the time.. and a mum being very controlling.. I was feeling constantly the fear of abandonment (by my dad) and the fear of rejection of my mom. I was always trying to be the perfect daughter, friend, student, girlfriend, employee etc.. to avoid the pain of rejection or abandonment. Such a constant never ending agony!…

“I still have more to learn… I haven’t built the perfect life, I haven’t solved all my problems, I still learn and I still fall, but I always come back, stronger and stronger. I am also  in a relationship for the last 8 months.. a person that expresses his feelings and thoughts all the time without any guilt or shame.. He is doing compromises inside the relationship of course, but he is not changing who he is, neither tries to change me. I am totally allowed to be myself and express my feelings… I can finally be the child I could not be with my mom in the past. Anger and sadness were forbidden feelings. I now feel accepted and loved no matter how I feel. Fear is still there, but less…

“Mepina is not my real name. I was so afraid back then that someone I know.. would read this and understand it was me. So big was my fear. But I am not afraid anymore for who I am, my choices, my mistakes and my wounds.

“My name is Christina and this is my story and my healing process”.

anita