Dear Christina:

Your words, as quoted above, are better than any words I can come up with to describe your healing journey so far.

My thoughts today: while you were a child, your mother disapproved of what she referred to as your childish behavior. She disapproved of you being a child. To state the obvious: it is unreasonable for an adult mother to bring a baby into the world and then expect the baby to turn into an adult in a few years (it takes at least 18 or so)!

Understandably, you tried to be an adult, meaning: to not express anger or sadness, or any strong emotion that inconvenienced your mother, to not hit or shout or throw temper tantrum, to not appear displeased, to not say no to her, to not argue, etc.

When she felt anger at you, true to what she expected from you- she did not overtly express her anger by hitting or shouting at you (“She didn’t get angry or punishing me.. hit or shout”), Instead, (1) she told you that your behavior was childish and immature and that you therefore disappointed her,  (2) she withdrew from you, acting distant and silent (“in cases she was not talking to me for much time”).

It appears like her behavior was adult behavior, that is, reasonable, sensible, mature and wise behavior: she expressed her dissatisfaction using words, not shouting, not hitting. It would have been adult behavior if she was interacting with another adult.

In the context of her interactions with her own child, her behavior was unreasonable, insensible, immature and unwise because for a child, her mother is god, and when god is silently angry, silently punishing, in the child’s ears, it sounds like very loud thunder in the vast skies.

When you separated from the ex at the time, this was your experience: “The first days I was still in fear and shock, I was having nightmares with him yelling at me or feeling I could not breathe“- similar tp what you felt as a child when your mother silently withdrew from you, it was as if she was yelling at you, and hearing her yelling, you felt so scared, it was hard for you to breathe.

“I learned as a kid to try my best to satisfy my mother and be always like a grown-up, talk nicely, not being sad or angry, never say no”.

When in the relationship with the ex: “I was trying during my relationship to be the perfect girlfriend for him.. transform to what he needed, neglecting.. my dreams, my desires, my personal path in this life, taking a new ‘role’ just to make him happy. His happiness was supposed to be my success, my happiness, my accomplishment. And the more I was giving, the more he was asking.. It was a constant agony, a battle, to make it. I only now see how stressed and unhappy I actually was”-

– this was your experience as a child, trying to be the perfect daughter, to transform to what your mother needed you to be, neglecting your dreams, desires, focusing on one goal and only one goal: to gain your mother’s approval. Your personal path became the role you played in effort to gain her approval.  Your mother’s approval, her happiness (with you being her daughter), was to be your Success, your Happiness, your Accomplishment.

You set that goal and failed to reach it because your mother was playing her own role of an adult and of a  mother. It was a role.

I may have more thoughts later on.

anita