Hello Anita once again and thank you so much for all the replies and the effort you put into them!

First of all, in regards to this: “If you are okay with it, Christina, I would like to activate this thread once in a while so to bring it back to page 1, in the hope that more members read and benefit from your exceptional thread.”
Please, feel free to do anything you want and let me know if I can also do something for that and I will be glad to do it!

Thank you for summarizing all the important points in one post, it is nice to see all these gathered to one place, it makes a readable story 🙂 .

The description of my mother behaviour that affects me up to now, makes a lot of sense! It took me so much time to dive into me, recall memories and feelings and understand how these are connected with my current issues. This “digging” within me,  gave me frustration, a feeling of injustice, anger, desperation but finally I accepted the past and I try now as an adult to help this little child inside me and give her the love and acceptance she deserves. I try not to fit into roles but follow my dreams and my desires. It is not easy, I can not do it all times, I do fail sometimes, old patterns and fears return, but at least now I try and also I understand and I am able to function much better!

You had written back then to me this:
“I am thinking as I type this, that there is a motivation, in you, to make this relationship work after all, a motivation to be with him in a relationship. I can’t figure why else you will allow him into your life, creating such misery in you.”

That sentence -I still remember the moment I read it- made something within me. There was a motivation within me that was pushing me to try to make a bad situation to work and despite all the misery, it was there, forcing me to accept all that was coming.
I didn’t understand back then, but I totally felt, that yes, you are right, there was a reason.
The reason was that I was always trying to be perfect at the role given to me so that I do not disappoint others. Back then it was my mother. Then, it was my boyfriend. In my mind their dissatisfaction was meaning my failure and was linked in my mind and my soul to intense pain. When I was 3-4, I still remember, that I was thinking I had 2 mothers, that were identical, but one was the good, loving and caring one, and another that was distant, angry and cold to me. And I believed that my actions would result on which mother would come each time. So it was me who had to do all that was needed to make the good mother to come.. If the bad one was coming, that was my fault.
This pattern was fallowing me all my life, without noticing it of course. My actions were defining others behavior towards me. If I were a good child, my mother would be happy, if I were a good student, my teachers would praise me, if I were a good friend, my friends would never leave, if I were a good employee, my bosses would never fire me, If I were a good girlfriend, my boyfriend would always love me and would treat me nicely.
A constant and tiring fight to satisfy them all.

I feel so graceful, that after all these, I managed to see that there was an underlying issue, and instead of going back to my ex (there was not even a single moment so far that I have regret this!) or finding another man to fit in this role, I gave space and time to myslef to look inside me and finally start to take care of me and choose in my life persons that also respect me.

My healing process as I said, is going on and I will post more things here – I am so happy I started back then this thread; it is nice my feelings and thoughts of that time, were written somewhere.

Christina

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Mepina.