Dear Elie:

Combining your two short original posts in your two threads, this is my understanding at this point. I may be accurate, or not:

You are busy working and studying, and the pandemic situation is difficult for you. But the most difficult thing for you by far, has always been to witness a family member, a “dear one”,  perhaps your mother, being in pain for not having something she desperately needs,  then watching her try so hard, and work so hard to get what she needs, only to see her get disappointed again and again.

Your intense empathy for her is causing you a lot of pain, and it is exhausting. You tried to give her a part of what she needs, tried to make her life better in the small ways that were available to you, but you failed every time. Maybe you dream and fantasize about being able to help her in big ways that are not available to you yet.

You want so badly to take her pain away, while your own pain is weighing you down. As a witness of her pain, in pain yourself, and exhausted, you often feel lonely and disassociated from people and from your surroundings. Sometimes maybe you feel angry at this person you care so much about, and it may be confusing to you: how is it possible love a person so much and yet, be angry at her, at the same time. It makes you feel complicated inside.

If you would like to reply, you are welcome to do so.

anita