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Sometimes it crumbles in all ways

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 16 total)
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  • #378811
    Elie
    Participant

    It’s truly devastating sometimes. Not because of the simple disappointments you have of yourself, but when you see your dear one’s struggling, trying and being disappointed, you’re helpless to do anything. And then you have to take care of yourself, these are the trying times for me.

    However I always keep reminding myself how no matter what I have to keep pushing through, trying for the next thing, then the next thing, and then the next thing, because giving up will always stop me in the tracks and the pain catches up with me.

    But perhaps sometimes its necessary to let the pain wash me away to know how bad it is in the tougher times to be a better person when I finally succeed. However, that extent just never comes, it’s always just disappointment after disappointment, maybe my efforts are not worth the price. Maybe whatever I’m working towards isn’t something that’s right for me.

    Maybe balancing life is getting too difficult to maintain all work, studies and family at once. All of them combined with the pandemic just makes me feel more low than I usually feel. Maybe it is a hard time, but I guess I’ll still believe better times are there.

    #378813
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Elie,

    I am sorry you’re going through a difficult time. You say that in spite of you trying, things aren’t improving, but rather, you’re facing disappointment after disappointment. One of the disappointments I guess is a recent breakup of your relationship, which you mentioned in your previous thread. In this thread you’re mentioning disappointments and struggle experienced by a loved one, or loved ones, about which you feel helpless to do anything.

    It appears that both you and your family members are experiencing personal challenges at the moment, and it’s been hard for you balancing your work, family and studies.

    If you’d like to share a bit more about the disappointments you’ve experienced, or the challenges your family members are facing – please do so. Perhaps by unpacking it a little, some things will become clearer and easier to tackle.

     

    #378835
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Elie:

    Combining your two short original posts in your two threads, this is my understanding at this point. I may be accurate, or not:

    You are busy working and studying, and the pandemic situation is difficult for you. But the most difficult thing for you by far, has always been to witness a family member, a “dear one”,  perhaps your mother, being in pain for not having something she desperately needs,  then watching her try so hard, and work so hard to get what she needs, only to see her get disappointed again and again.

    Your intense empathy for her is causing you a lot of pain, and it is exhausting. You tried to give her a part of what she needs, tried to make her life better in the small ways that were available to you, but you failed every time. Maybe you dream and fantasize about being able to help her in big ways that are not available to you yet.

    You want so badly to take her pain away, while your own pain is weighing you down. As a witness of her pain, in pain yourself, and exhausted, you often feel lonely and disassociated from people and from your surroundings. Sometimes maybe you feel angry at this person you care so much about, and it may be confusing to you: how is it possible love a person so much and yet, be angry at her, at the same time. It makes you feel complicated inside.

    If you would like to reply, you are welcome to do so.

    anita

    #378886
    Elie
    Participant

    It is true somewhat, it’s always the pain seeking out to me in the form of failure, disappointment, heartbreak and just a point where life isn’t working out at all.

    And it comes from every angle, some not wanting to make me feel this way but still it hurts me, other’s wanting to directly hurt me on their own. I am busy and working, I’m still grateful for the things I own, for the life I lead however, I also want to progress, I also want to achieve things, be emotionally successful and reach a point where my efforts will matter in dealing with my problems. My family members not having success in their careers makes me feel all the more pain because I see them putting in the effort. Then again I’m trying myself to advance in my career but, nothing’s working out within a time like this where opportunities are very little and I’m mostly helpless.

    And the complications inside me haunt me aswell, thinking about how I grew up to me so emotionally aware and sensitive towards life, challenges are usual and good, and I can personally take them, but I end up being more worried when the ones I care about can’t face them properly. And then there’s all other aspects of life.

    However I’m still pushing through and still believing my efforts won’t go into waste and that maybe someday the table will turn around with me getting to know things better and becoming smarter and happier overtime. Thank you so much for reaching out aswell.

    #378887
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Elie,

    However I’m still pushing through and still believing my efforts won’t go into waste and that maybe someday the table will turn around with me getting to know things better and becoming smarter and happier overtime.

    The table will less likely to turn around by a pure strike of luck, but rather as you say, by you “getting to know things better and becoming smarter” – meaning by you better understanding yourself and how perhaps you’re suffering where you needn’t be suffering that much.

    If you’d like some help in unpacking and better understanding your family dynamic, as well as your internal dynamic, please share some more about your situation, e.g who in your family is struggling with their career – is it your parents, your siblings, your adult children? What are the disappointments and heartbreak you’ve faced? What are you doing to advance your own career but you feel helpless?

     

    #378888
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Elie,

    also, how are others wanting to “directly hurt you on their own” – could you give some examples of that?

    #378906
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Elie:

    You are welcome. You shared in your few posts, as I understand it,  that you grew up “so emotionally aware and sensitive towards life, challenges”, that you can take on the personal challenges you are facing, but you end up worrying about family members you care about, failing to successfully face their challenges. You helplessly watch them work and make efforts to make progress in their careers, but they fail to achieve their goals, “it’s always just disappointment after disappointment”.

    You are busy and working, making efforts to make progress in your life, to achieve what you want to achieve personally and professionally, but there are not enough career opportunities, and your efforts end in “failure, disappointment, heartbreak and just a point where life isn’t working out at all”.

    There are people who hurt you without intending to, and other people intend to hurt you. You feel lonely, and always felt lonely, a part of you disassociates from people and surroundings, and you may be too complicated inside to be understood.

    You are grateful for what you have, but you “want to achieve things, be emotionally successful and reach a point where my efforts will matter in dealing with my problems”, to advance your career “but nothing’s working out”. You keep trying and you hope that “maybe someday the table will turn around”.

    I am wondering if you are working hard for your family members, wanting be able to give them the material things/ the material life they want but failed to get on their own?

    anita

    #379011
    Elie
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    Thank you for the concern yet again, it’s relevant to more my situation where I perhaps see a deeper turn of things happening. I’ve always wanted to feel understood but I never got that, due to my parents being more goal driven and emotionally unaware. However I don’t blame them because perhaps they weren’t brought up that way and also maybe because even though they don’t understand me emotionally or can’t support it and sometimes make it hard for me with more and more responsibilities, they still provide for me in terms of basic needs. However I’m slowly shifting that as I’ve started to work myself.

    At the same time my parents aswell as my brother is trying to accomplish more with their careers, however even though all of us are safe and stable, my brother’s constantly trying for a job and he’s breaking apart. Because it’s tough competition and how things are going, I really do see him trying but slowly he’s breaking apart aswell. And that just makes me break apart too.

     

    And about other’s directly hurting me, is through my prospects in relationships, I get my trust broken every time I believe in someone, perhaps it’s misfortune but it’s not been good at all. And being sensitive as I am, it’s harder for me to overcome the hard takes and move on.

    #379012
    Elie
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    It is somewhat that, but also its the other way around. I am aswell dependent on them sometimes for the materialistic things, however it’s not something lack of which deeply impacts me. I’m more worried on the emotional states of myself and everyone I love and I just hope it keeps improving slowly, moreso I can overcome the setbacks and challenges on my path.

    Thank you so much for listening

    #379017
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Elie:

    You are welcome. Combining what you shared in your recent two posts with what you shared earlier in this thread and the previous, it is my understanding that:

    (1) You grew up with parents who have been “emotionally unaware”, parents who never understood you emotionally (“they don’t understand me emotionally or can’t”).

    (2) Because they did not understand you emotionally, you perceived your emotions to be too complicated to be understood:  “(I) feel like I’m not capable of being understood due to my own complications inside”.

    (3) Because they did not understand you emotionally, they were not able to comfort you when you were distressed, so your distress took hold and intensified, becoming too deep to be comforted: “(I) always have deeper feelings beyond what people try to comfort me by”.

    (4) To lessen your distress, you have repeatedly dissociated: “there’s always a part of me that disassociates with people and surroundings”.

    (5) Neither understood nor comforted, you experience loneliness: “I always used to feel lonely”.

    (6) Your efforts to no longer feel lonely in the context of romantic relationships failed: “my prospects in relationships, I get my trust broken every time I believe in someone”.

    (7) You feel intense empathy for your brother for “constantly trying for a job and.. breaking apart”. Because of your intense empathy for him, his pain became your pain: “I really do see him.. breaking apart.. And that just makes me break apart too”. Your pain over his pain is intense.

    Is my understanding above (1-7) accurate?

    anita

    #379027
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Elie,

    I’ve always wanted to feel understood but I never got that, due to my parents being more goal driven and emotionally unaware.

    My parents aswell as my brother is trying to accomplish more with their careers, however even though all of us are safe and stable, my brother’s constantly trying for a job and he’s breaking apart.

    It appears your parents worried mostly about material security while you were growing up. They focused on providing that for you and your brother, and didn’t pay too much attention to how you and your brother feel. Were they working a lot and didn’t have time to tend to your emotional needs? Or they disregarded your emotional needs, sending the message that emotions aren’t important, that material and professional success is what’s important in life, and that’s what defines a person? Perhaps their philosophy was to choose a profession that is the most lucrative, and to disregard the calling of the heart and what one loves doing?

    If so (and this is just an assumption, I don’t know if it’s true), then what you wrote about your brother: my brother’s constantly trying for a job and he’s breaking apart” could mean that your brother is very much trying to follow your parents’ philosophy (follow the money, disregard your heart), but it seems he’s breaking, he can’t really do it. And you have compassion for him because you feel the same – not understood by your parents, who have those materialistic expectations on both of you.

    Am I assuming this right?

    #379047
    Elie
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes it is but also not entirely. My parents never understood me, yes. However they weren’t my only source of validation though, I’ve had and tried making a lot of friends and met a lot of people in terms of romantic relationships and that makes me feel more and more like I don’t always align with everyone in terms of how I see life as, and don’t properly match the energy of my friends.

    Parents are certainly a part, but they’re just a part of it. Ultimately its from an overall experience I speak of.

    #379048
    Elie
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    Yes that is very spot on as I’d say, I love how you could figure it out. It is accurate, they try and be understanding sometimes but they always end up putting their thoughts and beliefs about career, money and other prospects above everything, mostly even above our (me and my brother’s) wellbeing.

    #379057
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Elie,

    I love how you could figure it out.

    well, to be honest, it did need some figuring out, since you were a bit mysterious about it at first 🙂

    But jokes aside, it does seem to be a heavy burden for you that your parents have those expectations from you. How are you going about it? Are you trying to please them, or you have an idea of what you’d love to do in your life, even if it brings less money? You said you’re studying at the moment – is it a field you yourself chose, or rather something your parents thought would be best for you?

     

    #379063
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Elie:

    I ended my most recent post to you with a question in regard to the 7 points I listed: “Is my understanding above (1-7) accurate?”.

    Your answer: “Yes it is but also not entirely”. You added that I was accurate regarding your parents never understanding you (my #1 point), but you did not answer whether I was accurate regarding 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 & 7. If you would like to complete your answer to me, please do.

    It seems to me that you prefer to keep your writing vague and complex, lacking detail. I pursue and aim at clarity, simplicity and detail.

    anita

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