Dear Dandan,

Thank you for sharing your life story with us. It hasn’t been easy for you. You grew up with a depressed mother, who would only stop being depressed when going out, to trips, restaurants or movies. This means she couldn’t be joyful with you, nor could you be a reason for her to be happy.

When she was inside the house, doing the chores, taking care of you, she was probably always a little sad and depressed. That can be quite devastating for a child. The only time she would light up a little was when she watched TV. You watched a lot of TV with her, and there would be all those romance movies. It’d make your mother happy, it made her feel alive. You felt good for a moment while watching romance movies with her.

Fast forward to your 5th and 6th grade, where you started having crushes on girls.  It’s normal at that age, but for you it was almost like a game. When you described your crushes when you were older, you said “I liked getting crushes and approaching and flirting with gilrs though I wasn’t serious.” I think having a crush and being engaged in all that drama reminded you of the times when you watched romantic movies with your mother. It made you feel alive – the same it made you feel alive when you were a child. In short, it gave you a high. So I guess it was probably a little addictive.

In the 7th and 8th grade you developed a passion for dancing and even won in dance competitions. You say you loved a feeling of being like a celebrity, and teachers and others appreciating your performance. How did your mother react to your dancing successes – was she enthusiastic or not too much?

Later, in the 11th grade, you developed a passion for bodybuilding and were quite fit and had the best physique ever. But you didn’t continue at the university. You now regret that you haven’t pursued further those passions from your youth, and that you wasted many years on failed relationships, having crushes, and smoking and drinking.

Dear Dandan, I believe your life so far has been a pursuit of passion – something that will lift you from the depression that your mother gave over to you, since she was depressed too. And also, it was an attempt to bond with a woman who will finally be enthusiastic about you, unlike your mother was. Romance and crushes served that double purpose: 1) of giving you excitement and a “high”, and 2) giving you hope of finding a girl who’ll finally be head over heels about you.

In addition to that is the problem of self-esteem. Because you couldn’t make your mother happy, you concluded you weren’t good and worthy enough. You had a taste of “worth” when you won those dance competitions and were somewhat of a celebrity. But it wasn’t enough to help your self-esteem because the wound was much deeper. You feel unworthy and unlovable, because your mother gave you that message, albeit unintentionally.

Perhaps your flirting with the idea of becoming an actor is even an attempt to become someone your mother would finally appreciate – because it seems she’s quite enchanted by actors.

So till now, you’ve been living with the false belief that you’re unlovable and unworthy, and it’s been like a self-fulfilling prophecy because you’ve made some mistakes. But this can change, your wound can be healed…

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Tee.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Tee.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Tee.