Thanks Teak and Anita for the response,

I will add some more points to what I had told earlier. I know for sure my mom loved all of us. She took great care of all of us in the childhood. She enjoyed being with us. She used to teach us lessons and help us do our home works. She used to walk for 1-2 kms to come to our school to give us lunch and in the evening she used to make healthy snacks and comes to school, feeds us those and took us back home. Back then, we only had a black and white old tv and with no channels subscription. There was only government shown channel, one or two which didn’t have much. So in the child hood there was no much option for tv. She likes me more than my siblings. She always takes extra care of me. Even now. Treats me special, prepares juice , extra snack food for me. If I am not normal , she will be disturbed too. When my sister started getting those issues late in my childhood, when she was kind of bullied in her school for her looks etc, when she started getting inferiority complex, my mom wasn’t able to address and help my sister. Because my mom is from a village. She doesn’t have much knowledge about these complexes and how it affects. She was worried about her and the whole situation but didn’t know what to do how to help. That’s when things went out of control, we moved to different town etc. My mom has social anxiety. She didn’t have a great relationship with the neighbours as well when we were kids. She always felt people judge her. She isn’t matured enough to support my sister’s issues back then. we bought cable connection/channels subscription in my late childhood only, when I was in 6-7th grade. She watches tv but it’s not like she keeps watching without caring about us. We all together used to watch what is played in the channels, like cartoon movies etc. After the sister issues, my mom became more weak. She has been having lot of insecurities, social anxiety , inferiority complex etc. We all have grown seeing her that way, feeling bad for her , and also went thru similar complexes as ourselves. She was dull if we were dull. She mirrors our feeling. Meaning, if I am dul or the whole family situation is dull, she get so dull room she doesn’t have the energy to turn things around, solve issues of sister or the family. She wasn’t capable of that. She has faced a lot of mental Trauma herself. So slowly being dull became her normal to get dull to happy she wants something to happen talk to us interesting topics, or tv , mvoies going out etc. She likes talking. She has complained a lot that dad doesn’t talk at all.she hasn’t had anyone to talk and share at all. But I have listened to her a lot. She feels like talking, having nice conversation, sensible and funny, and laugh out. She has always wanted that , without that, if the house is silent , she will be dull. Most of the movies here have love stories and I have seen these in my relatives’ , neighbours’ homes and everywhere. Not just my house. I would say that we three gre up so weak. We didn’t know how to face the bullying, the complex, the insecurities because my parents didn’t know themselves. And I liked liking girls for real or for name sake from school. I get attracted to cute girls. My parents don’t know most of these. They don’t know how mu school was, how I got attracted easily, etc. I didn’t share, neither did they find. Dad worked so hard to pay our tuiton fee. He got us admitted to a good English school rather than govt schools. For them, it was a great deal and they thought everything is sorted. But it wasn’t. They couldn’t understand these complexes, and things kids face in a bigger town and a bigger school. So that’s how it was. My mom still loves me a lot. My sister says that my mom is liked obsessed with me. My mom wants me to be happy every single second. But i don’t know I couldn’t handle too much love. Two days back, my mom was feeling low at my home. Mom dad currently stays with my sister’s family  and I stay with them too as cities are locked down and I am working from home. My mom and sister doesn’t get along great. They have their own issues between then. So they fight for various reasons,my sister fights, that’s a different story all together. Two days back when tehre was some fight, my mom was dull, she seeks me all the time. She wants me to be around her. She tells that my presence gives her some strength. So she had some leg pain, she usually applies pain ointment herself, but she bought it to me and asked me to apply. For her, it is something emotional when I apply and massage her legs when she is in pain. She was so fragile amd needy of that emotion I felt. I did apply and massage. I do that many times. But that day as she was needy of that emotion, I felt so heavy inside, it was too much to me. Felt like crying, I don’t know how to explain that. When someone shows too much of emotions , emotional need are is so fragile around me, it makes me very weak and I feel like crying.

Having said that, Yes I still sometimes believe I can turn things around in terms of accomplishments. Since last august, I joined an online community called fittr for body transformations amd workout routines. I had enrolled for a personal coach and had a decent transformation losing some weight. I participated in transformation challenge twice but not consistent. Didn’t achieve my dream body yet. Since January I have been partying so heavy compromising my goals and developing regret all along. That’s when I went to meet my ex in Pune. Came back, got mad,  all these things happened. The day I broke up with her in texts, my mom got ill, and slowly others too including myself. Turns out we all got covid. Past 3 weeks was so hard at home. After much hardship we just over came the illness. There is a transformation challenge again starting tomorrow and this time I am determined to give my hundred percent to get my desired body. That will give me some confidence and satisfaction of accomplishment. Along with that , I am planning to join dance class, and/or guitar classes to keep me engaged in something I like. But I am scared if I am making a bad decision leaving my ex. I like her a lot. But too much emotions is something I am not able to handle. I am scared if will be able to be love someone else, I don’t know if I can forget her. Sometimes I think what I am doing is stupid. But there is this baggage of bad vibes and thoughts, regrets of unaccomplshments and a thought that I met my ex under bad circumstances which was not supposed to have happened at all. Sometimes I think I did meet her, it has all happened. Now she loves me a lot so why can’t I accept and reciprocate that happily. I am scared of losing her, scared of living life with her too, thinking what if the negative baggage will haunt me , and scared to marry someone else too thinking what if I wouldn’t be able to forget my ex when I am with someone. So everything is scary