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Dandan

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  • #379098
    Dandan
    Participant

    Hi Anita &Teak
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>  I think I didn’t explain it the way it is, I am not putting the right words. My mom showed love and care to all of us in the childhood. When my sister started getting issues, my mom couldn’t help much. One of the main reason apart from not being able to was, my sisters used to fight a lot with my mom at time time. Every single day in the morning before leaving to school, they used to shout at mom for every single thing like if they don’t like the breakfast, if the uniform was not ironed well and for various reasons. It was affecting me as well. And few times I have also shouted at her. These things affected her a lot and she became more weak after that. And with the massage, it is not anything physical at all. I don’t do it all the time. Only when she herself is not able to do. I do that dry kind of massage for leg pain for my dad too sometime. Here, it is an affectionate kind of gesture to hold legs for parents when they have leg pain. So nothing more than that. She doesn’t enjoy it physically. She asked me that day because whe was very low and also she was very tired. She has faced a lot of abuse from my sisters as well as dad. Not something so brutal but verbal and fight etc. That is again a different lengthy story on her.</p>
    She wants be to go outside of my comfort zone, to a different country. She usually encourages me to go out and do something. Follow my dreams. She infact was wishing to move to Canada. My sister fights with my mom till now and that destroys her mental health and peace. So she used to call me up and complain or talk about what is happening at home when I was going to office in a different city. So I think I have grown up weak with insecurities partly by genes and also the way we were brought up. And that continued and developed, and I didn’t work towards improving it. I need to do that atleast now. As I said I will focus the workouts and what I can do to imrove my confidence and satisfaction of accomplishment. So I will probably be busy setting up the equipments and getting started with the workouts for this transformation challenge now.  Thank you both for the efforts to help me out. Take care and be safe.

    #379049
    Dandan
    Participant

    Thanks Teak and Anita for the response,

     

    I will add some more points to what I had told earlier. I know for sure my mom loved all of us. She took great care of all of us in the childhood. She enjoyed being with us. She used to teach us lessons and help us do our home works. She used to walk for 1-2 kms to come to our school to give us lunch and in the evening she used to make healthy snacks and comes to school, feeds us those and took us back home. Back then, we only had a black and white old tv and with no channels subscription. There was only government shown channel, one or two which didn’t have much. So in the child hood there was no much option for tv. She likes me more than my siblings. She always takes extra care of me. Even now. Treats me special, prepares juice , extra snack food for me. If I am not normal , she will be disturbed too. When my sister started getting those issues late in my childhood, when she was kind of bullied in her school for her looks etc, when she started getting inferiority complex, my mom wasn’t able to address and help my sister. Because my mom is from a village. She doesn’t have much knowledge about these complexes and how it affects. She was worried about her and the whole situation but didn’t know what to do how to help. That’s when things went out of control, we moved to different town etc. My mom has social anxiety. She didn’t have a great relationship with the neighbours as well when we were kids. She always felt people judge her. She isn’t matured enough to support my sister’s issues back then. we bought cable connection/channels subscription in my late childhood only, when I was in 6-7th grade. She watches tv but it’s not like she keeps watching without caring about us. We all together used to watch what is played in the channels, like cartoon movies etc. After the sister issues, my mom became more weak. She has been having lot of insecurities, social anxiety , inferiority complex etc. We all have grown seeing her that way, feeling bad for her , and also went thru similar complexes as ourselves. She was dull if we were dull. She mirrors our feeling. Meaning, if I am dul or the whole family situation is dull, she get so dull room she doesn’t have the energy to turn things around, solve issues of sister or the family. She wasn’t capable of that. She has faced a lot of mental Trauma herself. So slowly being dull became her normal to get dull to happy she wants something to happen talk to us interesting topics, or tv , mvoies going out etc. She likes talking. She has complained a lot that dad doesn’t talk at all.she hasn’t had anyone to talk and share at all. But I have listened to her a lot. She feels like talking, having nice conversation, sensible and funny, and laugh out. She has always wanted that , without that, if the house is silent , she will be dull. Most of the movies here have love stories and I have seen these in my relatives’ , neighbours’ homes and everywhere. Not just my house. I would say that we three gre up so weak. We didn’t know how to face the bullying, the complex, the insecurities because my parents didn’t know themselves. And I liked liking girls for real or for name sake from school. I get attracted to cute girls. My parents don’t know most of these. They don’t know how mu school was, how I got attracted easily, etc. I didn’t share, neither did they find. Dad worked so hard to pay our tuiton fee. He got us admitted to a good English school rather than govt schools. For them, it was a great deal and they thought everything is sorted. But it wasn’t. They couldn’t understand these complexes, and things kids face in a bigger town and a bigger school. So that’s how it was. My mom still loves me a lot. My sister says that my mom is liked obsessed with me. My mom wants me to be happy every single second. But i don’t know I couldn’t handle too much love. Two days back, my mom was feeling low at my home. Mom dad currently stays with my sister’s family  and I stay with them too as cities are locked down and I am working from home. My mom and sister doesn’t get along great. They have their own issues between then. So they fight for various reasons,my sister fights, that’s a different story all together. Two days back when tehre was some fight, my mom was dull, she seeks me all the time. She wants me to be around her. She tells that my presence gives her some strength. So she had some leg pain, she usually applies pain ointment herself, but she bought it to me and asked me to apply. For her, it is something emotional when I apply and massage her legs when she is in pain. She was so fragile amd needy of that emotion I felt. I did apply and massage. I do that many times. But that day as she was needy of that emotion, I felt so heavy inside, it was too much to me. Felt like crying, I don’t know how to explain that. When someone shows too much of emotions , emotional need are is so fragile around me, it makes me very weak and I feel like crying.

    Having said that, Yes I still sometimes believe I can turn things around in terms of accomplishments. Since last august, I joined an online community called fittr for body transformations amd workout routines. I had enrolled for a personal coach and had a decent transformation losing some weight. I participated in transformation challenge twice but not consistent. Didn’t achieve my dream body yet. Since January I have been partying so heavy compromising my goals and developing regret all along. That’s when I went to meet my ex in Pune. Came back, got mad,  all these things happened. The day I broke up with her in texts, my mom got ill, and slowly others too including myself. Turns out we all got covid. Past 3 weeks was so hard at home. After much hardship we just over came the illness. There is a transformation challenge again starting tomorrow and this time I am determined to give my hundred percent to get my desired body. That will give me some confidence and satisfaction of accomplishment. Along with that , I am planning to join dance class, and/or guitar classes to keep me engaged in something I like. But I am scared if I am making a bad decision leaving my ex. I like her a lot. But too much emotions is something I am not able to handle. I am scared if will be able to be love someone else, I don’t know if I can forget her. Sometimes I think what I am doing is stupid. But there is this baggage of bad vibes and thoughts, regrets of unaccomplshments and a thought that I met my ex under bad circumstances which was not supposed to have happened at all. Sometimes I think I did meet her, it has all happened. Now she loves me a lot so why can’t I accept and reciprocate that happily. I am scared of losing her, scared of living life with her too, thinking what if the negative baggage will haunt me , and scared to marry someone else too thinking what if I wouldn’t be able to forget my ex when I am with someone. So everything is scary

    #379005
    Dandan
    Participant

    Sorry for the lengthy post.

    #379004
    Dandan
    Participant

    Thanks Teak & Anita for the response,

    To add to what I had shared earlier, my mom is not low and depressed all the time, but most of the time when she is inside the home. She loves going out, eating out in restaurants, going for long drives, tours, and specially going to movie theatres to watch movies. Once we plan to go out somewhere, she becomes more happy and enthusiastic. She needs something like this to be able to be normal and happy. With herself, at home, most of the time in my childhood, we used to watch tv a lot. She watches tv programs a lot. She needs some entertainment this way to be normal. Else she is low. She used to tell that it’s so boring and low. My dad doesn’t talk much. He used to work and come back. During my childhood, My dad had a lots of debts. We went through very bad situations in terms of money and debts. And my mom, my sisters and me had inferiority complex. My sister faced a lot of issues in her school due to her inferiority complex, in terms of appearance. Issues at my home used to be too intensive that my sister used to attempt suicide many times and my dad used to hold her tightly and not let her. This happened for years. It was all total nightmare for me and the entire family. We have all been so much stressed about the debts. Gone through the most stressful phase. Eg, we would lock ourselves inside our home when the person whom we had to payback knocks our door. We had to sell two of our own houses. My mom had lot of insecurities that she doesn’t have good education. She didn’t go to college. And also about her attitude and social life. She had complex and insecurities during my childhood. But as we grew up, and my sister had those inferiority complex issues, she even was taking prescribed drugs for controlling emotions. Things went out of hands after that. No time for anybody to think about anything. We all just wanted to face this issue of hers. This is during my 8-9th grade. We moved to a different town, a small town , from a comparatively well developed town. That changed a lot. I joined a school which is had lesser standards. But even before that, since my 5-6-7 th grades, I used to playfully like girls my class. I used to tell my friends that I like her. Partly because I had seen so many movies having all these romance. So I used to like some or the other girl, like a pair or couple. It’s like saying she is the girl I like. Here there is this concept of one side love. A guy first falls in love on a girl, and then tells their friend that she is the girl  he loves. And approaches her, does all sorts of flattering things, to attract her convince her, amd the girl accepts if she really likes. So I was also obsessed with this, liking some girl etc. Since 6th grade. I used to get crushes on teachers. After I moved to a different, smaller town, things changed a lot. That town was even reserved. The school didn’t encourage boys and girls even talking or being together. It wasn’t restricted but not encouraged as well. It was a conservative town. I joined this new school in my 9th grade. I studied in a boys only class of my school. And for 10th, I shifted to a coed class, where boys girls both study. Most of the time I roamed with guys only as talking to a girl and spending time with them is not something students did there. We just talk in class on higher level, and nothing more than that. I used to get a lot of crushes then. After I completed my 10th, board exams, I got bit low marks. So my dad decided to send me to a different school in a totally different town. A school where students join and stay in hostel, and they are forced to wake up at 4.30 am and get ready and study, and study till 10.30 at night. That school is famous for creating state level rank holders. But it was so strict. Boys only school. No option to contact home. Strict hostel and school timings and food. We can talk to our home only when any of the parents come to visit their kid, and we borrow their phone to talk to home for few minutes. I was confident at the beginning for couple of months. My studies was going well. This was for my 11 th grade. Few students used to cry as they were home sick. I used to console them .  After them 2 months, I had to come home for a holiday for couple of days. My dad came to  pick me up and we travelled all the way to my home.  When I had to go back to school after holiday, I left home early in the morning but after this, I started being home sick. I was thinking about home all the time. I started crying and other guys consoled me. But it increased. I became desperate to run away. I created a story that my stomach is getting often troubled because of the hostel food and so I want to quit and go back. I had some stomach issues due to food but not in that level that I should quit and go back. But I made that up to quit. Knowing this, my parents came to visit me and console. But I cried literally that I am not able to sustian here. My dad then took me back home. Quitting the school there. Took me back to my small home town and got me admitted to the same old school which I joined on 9th grade. So same old circle. Conservative circle. I used to roam with seniors and guys in the neighborhood who are elder. In 11 and 12 th grade, I started smoking and drinking, cuz the people I roamed around did that and they were seniors and rowdies in the neighborhood. So everybody used to like and love some girl. I too had crush on a girl in my 12 th. To create sympathy, I have used a razor blade to mark cuts in my hand. Plenty of them. Lot of blood. I had so fragile crush feelings then. But that passed on. After 12 th, I joined a reputed university for my under grad. I used to drink and smoke a lot then. I started living a girl in my class in colege. She was the most beautiful girl so I automatically got crush on her. After sometime she liked me too, we got into relationship. And this went on happily for 3 years. Entire under grad. 2007-10. She was so beautiful. I was average at that time. Had my insecurities. Was so possesive on her. Used to feel bad even if she talks to some other guy or if she likes any actor. Too much possessiveness ruined it. She got pissed off and left me after three years , after we both joined same college for post grad. I was mad for about 1.5 years, 2010 -12. I tried everything to get her back. Went to counseling. Wentto dance classes to impress. But eventually the feelings reduced. I remember during this relationship, she was so soft and fragile . She loved me a lot and I did too. But whenever we were too close, we didn’t have any fight, as she was so soft and fragile, I used to feel something weird, as in something too much , too much that I can handle in my mind. When we used to fight, I felt normal and okay, but being so close, so much attached, it was something that made me so much mad. I don’t know how to explain. So this happened. Coming back to post grad, the new girl who had joined. In 2012, after I kind of moved over the first girl, I started getting crush on thsi new girl. I started talking to her, was behind her. She had just fallen into another relationship m, with a guy outside college. But I barged in, she was responding too. I was all romantic flirty flattering and I had true feelings too. She fellfor me eventually and we had relationship. This was all in the same setup. In front of samel friends and curl in the college who knew I was in a 3 year relationship before. And I was so mad for 1.5 years after she dumped me. I have cried to almost many of my friends about my first girl when she left. Everybody knew that. So when I moved over and started loving another girl, few people spoke bad of me that I am destroying another girls life. It felt so bad. So heart broken to be in that situation. But we continued, me and new girl. I had this guilt and bad feeling about what people were thinking about me. My first girl was also there is same class. She eventually came to know about my new relationship. First girl came back crying, and lot of things happened there. But finally, me and new girl continued. Her father didn’t approve this. I went to her home alone to talk to her dad. It didn’t go well. But somehow later her dad asked my parents to come talk because she was adament on this. When my parents went there , they were not treated so well. Eventually so many issues happened and she got married to some one else. In 2014. After that I moved on soon cuz somewhere I knew that was not going to work out. That’s when I decided I shouldn’t fall for girls so easily. I shouldn’t be so naive. I have some dignity and self respect. But I continued being on low self esteem. I went back to first girl after second girl got married. But I didn’t want to marry first one as well. I used to drink a lot. Get crushes on office colleagues easily. I took things so light. It was like I liked getting crushes and approaching and flirting with gilrs though I wasn’t serious. I am a big time procrastinator. I had this dream of body building and getting to my best physique. Since my 11 th grade in school. In school, I used to do a lot of pushups and workouts and had the best body of my life. But now to the level I want. In college , I wasted under and post grad behind these relationships only. Didn’t follow my passion of workout body building and dancing. I had great interest in dancing during 7th grade. That’s when I knew I could dance decently well. I could have kept on to it, practising new dance forms like folk bboying etc. But I wasted it all since 9tu grade when I moved to different town. So in college I didn’t follow my passion. In 7th and 8th grade I have performed in dance competitions and won. I loved that feeling when teachers and others appreciate my dance. I had a bit of celebrity kind of feeling. But after 9th nothing wentwell. Colelge wasted. So after my second girl got married , I again continued drinking smoking partying falling in crush flirting etc. Didn’t follow dance or workout. I used to pay for gym for years and not go even for a day. I used to flirt and approach girls even though I know their answers,just becuaee I liked doing it. Days passed. I went into depression slowly. And that’s when in 2018 I met the girl, a friend of my friend, the elder sibling. And months later the younger sibling.

     
    <p style=”text-align: center;”>    I have been regretting all along of my unaccomplishment. In terms of dance and workout to get six packs. It’s my dream. But I never was consistent. In my life. During 2014 onwards, after second girl got married, I wanted to improve my self esteem, improve myself in every aspect my looks, appearance, personality, join dance clubs in my office, do performances on stage and get that celebrity feeling, workout and get six packs , the dream of mine. Not flirt and fall for anyone easily dress up really good every single day, groom myself up well everyday, gain confidence in myself over the time doing these , and then meet a suitable , maybe in a dance club, in a gym, or in tech clubs entrepreneurs club, basically somewhere where I went following my passion and to meet someone in that path. That would be more compatible and satisfying, than falling behind in my dreams, not improving my self confidence, self respect and constantly falling in love with girls. I regret not doing all those I said. Instead, I did everything I don’t want to, and here I am. Every single day is a night mare.</p>

    #378964
    Dandan
    Participant

    Thanks Anita and teak for the response.

    I grew up with my parents and two sisters in a small town. My parents are so loving and caring. All of us are so sensitive. We were below average in terms of finance. So we didn’t have much privilege as kids. But my father worked hard and had a bank job. He made sure we all got good education from a good school. But my parents get scared easily and are over protective. Wouldn’t let us do anything much mischievous or dangerous. I am so sensitive. I hate being alone most of the times. I get zoned out and get depressed for no reason, even among friends. I feel always low for no reason. I get all the energy from people around me, who are more positive and enthusiastic, self sufficient and bold. I get happy and enthusiastic when there is something interesting and enjoyable to do with the people around me. I derive energy and vibes from the people around me. With myself, I am mostly low and depressed, for no reason. My mom too is like me. She feels low most of the time. If she is surrounded by a dull environment, she feels low. And I am also like her. If i am with a dull company, I automatically feel low and depressed. It is like my default state, and with dull people, it again is the same. I get normal and sometimes enthusiastic when I am around people with positive attitude and strong attitude, in a good way. Like I love in that shadow of the vibes. So past years I was with my friends and roommates, and when I got the first offer, I started thinking all negative. This is my another natural thing. I mostly think negative of most of the things. Always feel that the other part is greener than what I have. If I don’t have offer, I think about offer and lifestyle and experience that I will get there , the happiness etc etc. Once i get the offer, it’s the other way. I think negative about that and positive about what I have now here. In recent years, this dilemma increased bug time, in each and every step that I take in life. Every small step. I over think a lot. I have like 100 thoughts with images and gifs running in my mind without control every minute. So over the time, everything gets weird.

    I also want to confess something. I am the person who had created a thread inthe relationship category, about the dilemma in relationship and marriage. The guy who had crush on both the sisters. I read both of your replies to my topic and I really appreciate your efforts. Sorry I disabled my account and didn’t reply. I have been following her topic in the forum. She had shared the link with me when I broke up with her. I have been reading and I panicked after I created my topic cuz I didn’t want her to know or read that. Didn’t want to disturb her flow of healing. Couldn’t handle it. I am a weak Peron and now I am even weaker. I don’t know if what i am doing is right or wrong. It is always stressing me out. Sorry I couldn’t articulate what I am wanting to say properly cuz my thoughts are so fragmented, and I am so restless. As I said in the other thread, the same kind of dilemma applies to my life as well. I am thinking a lot about her. Imagining the happy moments and how happy we would be, like literally New scenes keep running in my mind. I don’t know what kind of a mental state this is. I am sorry if I am talking something off the topic for the forum category.

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