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Regretting a missed career opportunity abroad

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  • #392993
    Dandan
    Participant

    Teak,

    Yes I agree and i am willing to heal myself. Just making the best of everyday keeps me bit satisfied. Like waking up early going for a walk, working out, etc. Going to add meditation and some martial arts to it. I want to try many things like acting class, dance music etc. Explore many things. I can be normal only if i keep myself busy and if i do something extra other than my 9-5 tech job. Job isn’t satisfying. Wanna learn swimming too. And martial arts. I need to plan and join these classes and keep myself busy, and overwrite new experience in my brain.

    #392995
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Dandan:

    You are welcome. You wrote today, February 18, 2022, about last Sunday, February 13, five days ago: “Last Sunday I had to go to meet friends…  they forced me and gave in. Drank… She somehow found I was drinking and suddenly called me up. I didn’t pick up the call…  She deleted my number from her contacts. Her replies were different from then. She said like it is my life, and she doesn’t care. The next day when I texted, she again said we shouldn’t text…  that she doesn’t want a husband who drinks a lot. Who has bad company” –

    – (1) Your friends forced you to drink, you wrote. You went out to meet friends who, like you, are in the habit of drinking. If you really wanted to stop drinking, you wouldn’t have met friends whom you know are like you, in the habit of drinking,

    (2) She deleted your number 5 days ago but continued to message you afterwards. Sadly, there is no evidence yet that she has moved on.

    Now my mind is full of her thoughts. Imagining gifs of her laughs, smiles, walk, dressing, hugging, intimacy, everything. I miss her. I was so stupid to let her go” – she has not contacted you in the last couple of days or so, long enough for you to want her again.

    April 30, 2021:”my mom is not low and depressed all the time, but most of the time when she is inside the home. She loves going out, eating out in restaurants, going for long drives, tours, and specially going to movie theatres to watch movies. Once we plan to go out somewhere, she becomes more happy and enthusiastic…  With herself, at home, most of the time in my childhood, we used to watch tv a lot. She watches tv programs a lot. She needs some entertainment this way to be normal. Else she is low. She used to tell that it’s so boring and low“-

    – You grew up experiencing your mother’s experience: at home, the distraction from the “low and depressed… so boring and low” dominant emotional experience was watching TV. Any positive excitement that happened at home, happened on the TV screen as you passively watched it. When not distracted by TV, home life was low and depressed, so boring and low.

    Outside the home, the excitement was about leaving the low and depressed, so boring and experiencing excitement, particularly when part of the outing included watching movies on the big movie theatre screen.

    Fast forward, in regard to your sort of ex-girlfriend whom we’ve been discussing, your excitement was not- and is not- about interacting with her in real-life, but about passively watching her on the TV screen inside your brain, that is, your mental TV/ movie theater screen.

    When talking to her (or when in her physical company), it feels like being at home without the TV distraction, it feels low and depressed, so boring and low, and heavy: “When I talk to her, I don’t want her, and things feel heavy“.

    The positive excitement at home was not happening when actively interacting with your mother and others in the family, it was happening when you passively watched TV, and when you passively watched your mother looking and sounding happy as she watched TV.

    I used the term “sort of ex-girlfriend” in regard to the young woman because as I see it, she has been nothing more than a TV girlfriend character, in your experience: one to passively watch on a screen, not one to actively interact with.

    You shared: “Whenever I watch a series in Netflix or any happy moments, I can’t stop imagining sharing the joy with her… These images and scenes keep flashing in my mind…. I always lived in an imaginary life with her. Imagining watching movies, having kids, triplets specifically and everything. I was living in imagination” –

    – you live in imagination, watching that mental TV screen within your head, images and scenes keep flashing in your mind, your words, images and scenes starring a TV-girlfriend-actress-girlfriend and a second main character representing yourself.

    When I don’t talk to her, I feel I want her, and I miss her” – when you talk to her, she does not compete well with the exciting TV-girlfriend-actress in your imaginings. In comparison, she is dull and boring, and you are no longer excited about her. But when you don’t talk to her, after some time, you forget how dull she is in-person, and you imagine her again as that exciting character on your mental TV screen.

    In your original post, April 29, 2021, you shared that you had “this huge interest in going to a European company with a job offer and work there“. You were excited, your mood was elevated. Motivated, you arranged to be interviewed, attended interviews, then “got an offer from a good German company, in Munich. With a decent package“, but you got scared, “didn’t have the guts… can only think about…  how lonely I will get there”. So, you rejected the offer, regretted it immediately, interviewing again, got a second offer, accepted it, got scared, and sent a second email rejecting it. “After a couple of days, I again started regretting the best opportunity that I got ever in my life, for which I worked so hard“-

    – my best understanding of the above (in a simplified way, not including all people and all circumstances of your childhood) is that when you were growing up, you watched your mother low and depressed, so boring and low, and as a result, you felt the same. You then watched her more happy and enthusiastic when watching TV or when going out and about and watching movies on the big screen. As a result, you felt the same. But time after time, you watched your mother going from more happy back to low and depressed, and every time it happened, the low and depressed felt even lower. The result: you became very anxious when she looked and sounded more happy because you knew that more low and depressed is next.

    Fast forward, you felt more happy and enthusiastic when you imagined having a job in Europe (parallel to anticipating watching TV/ going out and about with your mother), but once it is about to happen, you get anxious because you know that the more low and depressed is next.

    You wrote today, February 18, 2022: “I want to try many things like acting class, dance music etc. Explore many things… my 9-5 tech job. Job isn’t satisfying. Wanna learn swimming too. And martial arts” – you want to make yourself a better-looking movie star in your imaginary TV show/ movie, a better dancer. But your mind and heart will be in a much better, healthier place if you resolve to abandon the TV/ movie mentality and make your life be about…real-life, that is, life as it is, the only one that is available to you.

    anita

    #392997
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Dandan:

    My mother also loved watching movies on TV and on the big screen. She worshipped movie stars. As a matter of fact, she named me and my sister after movie stars at the time. Growing up I watched her looking at movie stars on TV with those dreamy eyes, I wanted nothing more than to become a movie star myself, so that she can look at me the way she looked at movie stars. I used to daydream about becoming an internationally famous actress and dancer, performing in front of millions of people around the world, people standing up and clapping hands, cheering me for my exceptional (imagined) performance.

    At the time, I really believed that it was possible for me to become an international star, even though I was not a talented dancer, I was clumsy, really. But I imagined I could be. Looking back now, it was all about getting my mother to value me, to think highly of me. Because she didn’t. I wanted her to be happy, happy to have me in her life, wanted her to think I was special.

    And because nothing short of becoming a movie star was going to make my mother think highly of me, any imagined accomplishment short of movie stardom paled in comparison and felt far from being enough.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by .
    #393094
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Dandan,

    Yes I agree and i am willing to heal myself. Just making the best of everyday keeps me bit satisfied. Like waking up early going for a walk, working out, etc. Going to add meditation and some martial arts to it. I want to try many things like acting class, dance music etc. … Wanna learn swimming too.

    Here you are going to the opposite extreme of addiction – getting megalomaniac about the healthy things that you’d do. I had this megalomaniac voice in my head too, while I suffered from ED, telling myself I’d be successful and famous, etc. It would last for a few hours or days, but then another voice would take over: the voice of the inner critic, who would tell me that I am a failure and would never amount to anything. It would leave me crushed and I’d return to my ED again. There was a constant battle between these voices in my head, and the inner critic would always win.

    I am afraid you are doing the same. In May 2021 you thought you’d boost your self-confidence with workout, and you enrolled in a workout challenge:

    As I said I will focus the workouts and what I can do to imrove my confidence and satisfaction of accomplishment. So I will probably be busy setting up the equipments and getting started with the workouts for this transformation challenge now.

    But that lasted for about 3 months:

    I worked on my physique for 3 months. During which i was so hurt too and had created this post here. But again later in September i went back to drink and lost all progress that i made till then. It was on and off.

    You didn’t get better even though you fulfilled your plan of working out regularly (and abstaining from drinking) for entire 3 months. But then, something tipped you off and you went back to drinking and lost all progress. That’s how it works with addiction unfortunately. If you don’t heal the core wound – it will come back.

    I told you that in May too, because I’ve experienced it myself. I know that going into the megalomaniac mode, trying to be “perfect” and live a super disciplined life can only last for so long. And then you crash.

    If you really want to stop drinking and get your life in order – on the long run – you need to address deeper, psychological issues. Which have to do with your childhood and upbringing.

    You say that your self-esteem is low because you started smoking and drinking pretty young (around 16) and you had bad company:

    I realised recently the reason for my depression. Atleast the major reason. It is because of the unhealthy life style i was living since my school.

    Well, I don’t think so. You lived a healthy lifestyle recently, for 3 months, and it still didn’t make you happy. The real reason for your depression is deeper, and we talked about it at the beginning of your thread. At the time you didn’t really want to talk about it… but my deep conviction is that healing those childhood wounds is the only way to go, if you want lasting results.

     

    #393110
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Dandan:

    Inspired by TeaK’s recent post (and having the time, it being very slow on the forums), I went back and read through your thread. I highly recommend that you re-read all of TeaK’s very intelligent, insightful, detailed and thorough posts. Read them slowly, attentively, a bit at a time (not in one sitting). Read them at times when you feel relatively relaxed, so that you can take in and consider what she kindly posted for you.

    I will resist my inclination to submit another long post. There really is no need to repeat what is already in your thread, so let’s see if I can make it short, here it is:

    In regard to your mother, you wrote: “My mom still loves me a lot… But I don’t know I couldn’t handle too much love… she was needy…  I felt so heavy inside, it was too much for me… it makes me very weak, and I feel like crying“.

    You wrote too much, and very weak. I think that your mother needed you too much, and that you therefore confused her excessive need with love. In your mind, something of the following association was made, which extended to your romantic experiences: a woman loves me => she needs me too much = she takes too much out of me=> I become so heavy and very weak.

    In regard to your first girlfriend, you wrote: “She loved me a lot and I did too. But whenever we were too close… I used to feel something weird, as in something too much“- here is too much again.

    The problem is not that your mother loved you too much, it’s that she needed you too much. Her excessive need for you (an unhealthy need for a child who is naturally not strong enough to handle an adult’s heavy-duty emotional needs) burdened you terribly, made you heavy and very weak. Fast forward, you escape such a terrible burden with potential romantic partners.

    anita

    #393111
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Correction/ clarification to the above: it is not that your mother needed you too much; she needed help too much. Excessively needy and troubled mothers (such as yours and mine) need the help of professional adults such as psychiatrists, psychotherapists and social workers. A child is not capable of giving them the help that they need.

    And mothers know this, they do not think of their children as powerful and capable people. After all, they changed the diapers of their children not long before, because their children were not powerful and not capable of standing up or walking or going to the bathroom by themselves.

    Many troubled and excessively needy mothers misuse their children’s time and empathy by venting to them, complaining to them, etc., so they are helping themselves to the child in these ways, but the child will try to help his mother beyond what she is already helping herself to, falsely believing that he is powerful and capable enough to cure her troubled mind and make her happy. This is the child’s delusion.

    anita

    #393193
    Dandan
    Participant

    Hi Teak,

    Yes I agree I need to address the inner phychological issues of me. Thinking of being perfect all the time and getting confidence or a positive mindset only from it is also not feasible. I need to accept for what and how i am and start being happy about. Last year i didn’t even have the mental strength to continue the conversation here. I was feeling so depressed and lonely. I was running away from any complicated conversations. But since the starting of this year i stared feeling better. I made peace with my dream of going out for work, i started feeling normal and happy about being here, had plans for business of something. But by the time i slowly recovered, she was moving away. I was never able to forget her and look for other girls. It just that i did not express and kept this suppressed in my mind. But i realised I can’t be without her and she is the one. I need to work on my issues to be able to be in a relationship. I was already getting better. On this Jan 26th when i went to my friends place to attend a marriage i got stuck there and had to drink of peer pressure. But the thing is I already decided that was the last few of my drinking days, atleast regular drinking spree. I had already decided and made up my mind not to keep drinking like last year and this year i need to work on some potential side business and be productive. She messaged me that asking if i drank and i said yes, she asked me to stop how much ever i drank but i playfully said just two more. She got upset and said i had absolutely no hope, for which I sent a smiley. I was not like before with an intention to drink always and not to care about anything. I changed, i drank that day only because of a social gathering. It hurts me because i didn’t want to get stuck there at all that day. There was covid lockdown here and i couldn’t leave as i wouldn’t have been able to reach back home before lockdown at night. These things keep running in my mind now like i shouldn’t have and i should have done this done that replied this way, called her and made her understand.

    But now she is gone. None of the dreams are making sense now. I couldn’t sleep even today. Getting panic attacks and waking up. It ended in a brutal way, teak. In a painful way. It hurts so much to hear those words from her. I ignored her pushed her away multiple times, i know, but i didn’t do it for another girl or some other happy reason. I did it with a heavy heart not being able to handle or process the emotional relationship. But that is also painful right ? I was in pain too last year. Different kind of pain than what it feels to get ignored. Now all together it is hurting my soul. Practically i know i need to go through this pain, and suffer. I don’t know how to treat my inner issues. I want to treat it now. But don’t know how. But again, nothing makes sense to me, i feel like what is the use of treating me now, she is gone. I feel like everything is gone. Right now I don’t even feel like having a life . 🙁

     

    And yes, i can have a stable healthy lifestyle without drinking for months and years also . I am not addicted to alcohol, like i need alcohol into my blood. I craved for that happy gathering that we have while drinking. It hurts because she thought i am addicted and can never come out of it. But the point is I also replaced that pleasure from drinks with the habit of workouts. Working out and seeking results is itself a getting high feeling. I replace that with other productive things. But she thinks i am a drunkard. I am not a drunkard. And i missed my chance to prove it to her in last couple of weeks. That hurts a lot.

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by Dandan.
    #393198
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Dandan,

    You say that since the beginning of this year you started feeling better, but she was already moving away:

    But since the starting of this year i stared feeling better. I made peace with my dream of going out for work, i started feeling normal and happy about being here, had plans for business of something. But by the time i slowly recovered, she was moving away.

    However, your description of events and the way you behaved just very recently, even this February, speaks differently – it speaks that you haven’t really changed much.

    First, on the New Year’s Eve or thereabout, she told you she missed you and asked you about the prospect of you two being together. You said nothing, because you were unsure and you couldn’t promise her anything:

    During this new year she said she misses me, and that we both are anyway not able to move apart, and stuff like that. I was upset because i didn’t make abs till now. And have to start all over again. I couldn’t tell her anything.

    Then on January 14, she asked you again, and you again said nothing, because you knew you are the same as before – meaning undecisive:

    On Jan 14 she asked how much have i moved on, i did not answer at all cuz i know i was the same as before.

    During the entire month of January and beginning of February, you went to your friends to drink. She was in touch with you all this time, telling you she misses you and wants to be with you. But you ignored that, even though you knew that your drinking bothers her and that it makes her feel less for you:

    And that everytime I go to my friends to drink her feelings decreases. I didn’t pay attention even still. Even in Feb starting.

    In February you went to some festivity, maybe a wedding, and you stayed there for a week, drinking heavily:

    Since Jan i am making good progress in workout.  But in Feb once i went to meet friends for some occasion and stuck there for a week drinking day heavily. The first day she asked me if i had met someone in the marriage i went and i said no. I was drinking then, she asked me to think about my belly and stop. I said 2 more. And she said i have absolutely no hope. I sent a laughing smiley cuz i was high.

    She begged you to stop drinking, you refused and nonchalantly sent her a smiley.

    5 days later, she told you that she agreed that her parents start looking for a groom for her. You say it broke you and you regretted all your drinking and partying. You also express your interest – for the first time – to be with her again:

    5 days later, i got a message from her saying she agreed to her parents to look for profiles for her. I was so regretting going to friends that time. As she told it i broke down, i asked aren’t we gonna try us again.

    She was reluctant to reconsider, but you were trying to convince her, and it lasted for several days, you two were having long talks. Eventually she said no:

    She got so mad that day and said she doesn’t want this and i was so late etc. Hours and hours of conversation. But i broke down and started convincing her. She didn’t agree. Next day she said this wont workout at all.

    You weren’t too broken about it. You continued to have a casual chat with her. It felt like talking to an ex:

    That day evening o started talking casually with her. She too replied. I understood it was a casual conversation with ex. We had casual chat for a week i guess.

    Finally, last Sunday you went to another wedding and eventually started drinking. When she called you, you were too drunk to act sober, so you chose not to answer the phone:

    And again last Sunday i had to go to meet friends for another marriage. This time i resisted a lot for drinking. But finally they forced me and gave in. Drank. And that time she had sent me a video and asked translation for it on my language, i didn’t reply for long. She somehow found i was drinking and suddenly called me up. I didn’t pick up the call as i for paniked. Didn’t have any excuse to tell.

    That’s when she decided to delete your number from her contacts and told you she doesn’t want to speak to you again:

    She deleted my number from her contacts. Her replies were different from then. She said like it is my life and she doesn’t care. The next day when i texted, she again said we shouldn’t text. She had explained everything already. It was a lengthy conversation. She said everything, asking me to leave her alone etc. And that she doesn’t want a husband who drinks a lot. Who has bad company. And also other reasons like she had already moved on when i left her last year. She says it is not a sudden decision the the process that happened since last year. I understood that.

    It is interesting that now, when she finally deleted your number and chose not to speak to you again – now you feel devastated and broken. But only a week earlier, when she told you she doesn’t want to be with you, you weren’t too affected. You continued to chat casually with her. You felt fine chatting to her like to an ex.

    This tells me that you don’t miss her as a potential life partner and wife, but as someone nice and caring on the other side of the line, talking to you sometimes, when you feel depressed and lonely. That’s why you are panicking now, when this caring person on the other side of the line is gone. You didn’t panic when she told you she doesn’t want to be with you. But you did panic when she told you she doesn’t want to communicate with you any more.

    It seems you needed her as a listening ear, not as a partner to share your life with. Perhaps she was cheering you on, encouraging you while you were depressed and drinking. You needed that positive, encouraging voice, but you didn’t really want to give up drinking. To really change. You wanted the status quo to continue.

     

    As for your drinking, Dandan, you say you’re not a drunkard and that you can lead a life without alcohol:

    I am not addicted to alcohol, like i need alcohol into my blood. … I am not a drunkard.

    I also replaced that pleasure from drinks with the habit of workouts. … Working out and seeking results is itself a getting high feeling.

    Maybe in the beginning you felt good about working out, but after a while maintaining a strict workout regime was hard, and you started drinking again: “was still struggling with my workouts. Lost progress. I was so obsessed with six packs abs.  But kept drinking till the end.”

    You were drinking in the same period while you were working out. So working out cannot replace your need to drink, at least not in the long run.

    Also, you were making good progress with your workout in January, but in spite of that, you went to your friends to a drinking spree, which lasted for an entire week. Meaning, again, that workout didn’t replace your need for alcohol:

    Since Jan i am making good progress in workout.  But in Feb once i went to meet friends for some occasion and stuck there for a week drinking day heavily.

     

    Also, you are telling yourself you are only drinking because of company. But you know that your company is a drinking company, those are your buddies whom you go on drinking sprees regularly. You know what will happen once you go those parties.

    I already decided that was the last few of my drinking days, at least regular drinking spree. I was not like before with an intention to drink always and not to care about anything. I changed, i drank that day only because of a social gathering.

    Whenever you go out with your friends, you always end up getting wasted. You can’t drink in moderation. Which means you do have a drinking problem. The sooner you admit it to yourself, the better.

    If you would like to really work on your healing – both from emotional wounds and from addiction – I am here to help. But I can’t help you if you are denying that you have a problem.

     

    #393201
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Dandan:

    There are many, many Alcoholic Anonymous (AA) meetings in Bangalore every day of the week. I counted 16 different AA meetings available on Sunday alone. Addresses and phone numbers for every meeting are available and a helpline phone number in red is flashing across the screen (aa bangalore. org).

    Also, there are rehabilitation centers for alcohol and drug addiction in Bangalore, one of which is Anatta Recovery. A quote from their website, anatta recovery. com: “The rampant use of substances and the menace created by addiction have become one of the biggest threats for the city of Bangalore. The ever-increasing number of drug rackets busted by the Narcotics Control Bureau, Bangalore, in the last few years is an open indication of the drug and alcohol addiction menace in the IT city”.

    More from the Annata Recovery webpage: “The first step towards the road of recovery is realizing the problem of substance abuse. The process of recovery can be delayed by denial, which is the toughest barrier to cross”.

    Clearly, Dandan, you are in denial that you have a substance abuse problem (“I am not addicted to alcohol“), and you blame others for your addiction, not taking personal responsibility for your drinking (“they forced me and gave in“). Denying and Blaming are counterproductive to Recovery.

    And then, there is your intellectual dishonesty, the rearranging of the past in a way that makes you look better, in other words, lying to others, and lying to yourself. There are multiple websites addressing the reasons drug addicts lie, such as push for recovery. com/ why do addicts lie, as well as multiple websites addressing the more specific question, why do alcoholics lie. One of the latter is drug rehab. com/ why alcoholics lie. It reads:

    “Lying is common among people with alcoholism. For these individuals, dishonesty can be intentional or unintentional. They may lie to simultaneously maintain their drinking habits and their relationships” – I suspect that you’ve been posting here recently hoping that the woman whom I wish has moved on from you (a long-term member in these forums), reads your words, believes your lies/ your rewriting of history, feels sorry for you, maybe guilty, maybe hopeful, and undoes her decision to move on and away from you.

    I hope that she really did move on, or that she is moving on as she reads your recent posts and the replies you received, including my words right here, in this post.

    I have recently given you all of my current understanding in regard to your childhood and how it plays a major role in your current troubles, but you chose to ignore all of it. I have nothing to add, and therefore, this is my last post to you. You received a very generous offer from TeaK, an offer to help you, in the context of your thread. I hope that you take advantage of her offer and post again, developing an honest conversation with her.

    anita

    #393217
    Dandan
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    My intention still is not to make her read this. When i say i am not a drunkard i am saying it to myself that i am not. She has moved on completely and i don’t think she will even start reading this even come to this site in general because she is okay, atleast that is what I feel. I will change my username and the topic, or i can even delete this post and start a fresh one so she can’t identify. She knows i posted here on a different topic. It came out sometime when we were talking during the past 3 months. She even asked once what did i post here on a different post and i said it’s better she doesn’t get to know that. I am saying all these because i realised I made a mistake of not healing myself on time and feeling guilty about it. That i had a chance to heal myself last year and i didn’t do it. If i was able to move on it would have made sense but i couldn’t even forget and move but yet i didn’t put efforts to heal myself to handle the heavy feeling. I always ran away back to that neutral mindset of not fully in and not fully out, and not being able to move on with anyone.

    I understood the childhood issues that i may have that you posted about. I was going to reply yesterday but was thinking what to reply and missed it. Yes my I had a troubled childhood. All my siblings too had. My mom is so weak and she has been replying on us for all her insecurities and issues. I have been like a counselor for many issues since my school days, also for the fights between my mom and dad. So but now I don’t know what to do for her. All i can think is i need to get married so she and dad feels their duty is fulfilled and i get better in my mind and be happy and she automatically feels normal and happy. Right now she only wants to see me happy. She has relied on me a lot, and my siblings too, that is true. I realised the effects of that in me. I want to make her inner issues solve as well. But before that work on myself to rectify or undue these effects on me. Thanks for the taking your time to explain it to me.

    About the alcohol rehabilitation, yes that is a good option. I will checkout those centres for their availability. I want to check the severity of my addition. I agree i have a substance abuse  i am accepting it. Because i spent last 17 years doing these. I will check those centres. But again, I don’t want her to read this. I will try to change my user name now.

    #393218
    Dandan
    Participant

    Hi Teak, thanks for your time to reply for these.

    I was devasted when she said she doesn’t want me. I couldn’t imagine not having her in my life. She knows that because i told her. I may have not written it down clearly. I have this obsessive overthinking like Anita had told. I am not able to write things or articulate my thoughts clearly. I accept i have drinking issues and it is not just the company. I will get myself diagnosed to understand how severe it is, if there is a test for it. Last week when i went to my friends, i surprisingly resisted and said I don’t want to drink, in the first party i didn’t drink while my friends had. In the second party i denied a lot that i don’t want to drink but when they insisted so much, i gave in and started drinking. But me saying no at first is an improvement in me i feel. I want to continue with that. I confronted my friends who forced me to drink that day and told them not to do it again. Also told them i am quitting. But i want to analyse myself further to understand how severe addition i have. I will check with some rehab centres Anita had suggested. I loved her a lot, but i was so obsessed with working out of country, body building and some career that i thought that is more important than love and marriage life. Now i realise what is important in life and what was important to me in my mind deep inside. Because these body body building or whatever doesn’t even make sense without her. I will work on the rehab thing.

    #393223
    Dandan
    Participant

    Anita,

    I didn’t ignore your posts. I understand the effects of the childhood issues and the effects of it on me. Looks like I can’t change the user name here. But anyway these are not something new that i have written. I have told her all these already that that i am not a drunkard and everything so nothing new.

    I will work with the rehab and understand the severity of my addition. I will also work on reversing the effects of childhood issues. And i want to heal my inner self and want to be able to handle any emotional feelings. For now I think I need to go through this pain and no other option. Many thanks to you for pointing out few of the core issues and its effects.

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by Dandan.
    #393225
    Dandan
    Participant

    Teak,

     

    As a first step in accept i have drinking issue. When i start drinking i have no control, my friends have also told this.  But have not drink since last week though. Right now I am not tempted to go back to friends and drink. I will see how this goes. When i go to Bangalore i will try to diagnose and understand myself. I want to also do a clinical depression diagnosis.  My thoughts are so jumbled now as always, couldn’t articulate my mind clearly. But i realise i have some core issues that makes me heavy while in an emotional relationship, and Also the trouble with alcohol. Now i realise i want to heal myself from inside and want to be completely reborn. I want to go through the pain now because there is no option. Will post in few days.

    #393245
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Dandan,

    It is encouraging to read that you accept that you have a drinking problem and have decided to seek help. I am not sure if there are tests to determine the severity of someone’s drinking problem, but please do consult either a recovery center or an AA support group. Perhaps they can also suggest a good psychotherapist, or you can look up one on the internet, because it would help you a lot to have someone – a compassionate professional – to support you and guide you in your recovery.

    Last week when i went to my friends, i surprisingly resisted and said I don’t want to drink, in the first party i didn’t drink while my friends had. In the second party i denied a lot that i don’t want to drink but when they insisted so much, i gave in and started drinking. But me saying no at first is an improvement in me i feel.

    Yes, it’s a good sign. Also that you told your friends that you want to quit. But don’t count on your friends to guard you from drinking. They are probably heavy drinkers, and you suddenly, after 17 years, changing your habits might annoy them. They probably won’t be supportive in helping you quit. That’s why the best would be to stop going to those drinking parties. Because you yourself realized that “When i start drinking i have no control”. Better don’t put yourself in such situations, where the temptation is super high and the chance of getting drunk is 100%.

    I know it will be hard though because you have used alcohol to numb your pain, to forget. But you have also realized that numbing your pain via substance abuse only causes you greater pain, in all areas of life. And that’s why I am really glad to read this from you:

    I will also work on reversing the effects of childhood issues. And i want to heal my inner self and want to be able to handle any emotional feelings. For now I think I need to go through this pain and no other option.

    Yes, facing emotional wounds will cause you temporary pain, but it’s a good, cleansing pain. It’s like putting alcohol on a wound – it hurts but it’s necessary for disinfection. You don’t want to let this wound fester any longer and ruin more and more of your life. You want it healed.

    I loved her a lot, but i was so obsessed with working out of country, body building and some career that i thought that is more important than love and marriage life.

    It’s not just that you were obsessed about other things, and haven’t prioritized her. You would also always get the “heavy feeling” when being with her. That’s why you couldn’t say Yes to marrying her. Don’t forget about that. You do need to heal the reasons for this heavy feeling that you get in intimate relationships.

    Anita gave an excellent possible explanation for it, summing it up: “a woman loves me => she needs me too much = she takes too much out of me=> I become so heavy and very weak.” This can very well be the subconscious thought process in you, i.e. the way your subconscious mind is wired. Subconscious mind is also known as the inner child… so healing the inner child, and specially his belief that love is heavy, will be crucial.

    When i say i am not a drunkard i am saying it to myself that i am not.

    It’s good that you don’t take on the identity of a drunkard. You do have a drinking problem, but this is not who you really are. You are a brilliant and unique human being, like we all are. You are not a horrible person, as you called yourself recently, but you are wounded. Please don’t see yourself as bad, or evil, or doomed.  See yourself as a currently wounded, but beautiful soul, who can heal and shine with his true light!

    #394156
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dandan, Feb 20: ” I want to heal myself from inside and want to be completely reborn. I want to go through the pain now because there is no option. Will post in few days

    11 days later, March 3: crickets

    anita

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