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Regretting a missed career opportunity abroad

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  • #379098
    Dandan
    Participant

    Hi Anita &Teak
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>  I think I didn’t explain it the way it is, I am not putting the right words. My mom showed love and care to all of us in the childhood. When my sister started getting issues, my mom couldn’t help much. One of the main reason apart from not being able to was, my sisters used to fight a lot with my mom at time time. Every single day in the morning before leaving to school, they used to shout at mom for every single thing like if they don’t like the breakfast, if the uniform was not ironed well and for various reasons. It was affecting me as well. And few times I have also shouted at her. These things affected her a lot and she became more weak after that. And with the massage, it is not anything physical at all. I don’t do it all the time. Only when she herself is not able to do. I do that dry kind of massage for leg pain for my dad too sometime. Here, it is an affectionate kind of gesture to hold legs for parents when they have leg pain. So nothing more than that. She doesn’t enjoy it physically. She asked me that day because whe was very low and also she was very tired. She has faced a lot of abuse from my sisters as well as dad. Not something so brutal but verbal and fight etc. That is again a different lengthy story on her.</p>
    She wants be to go outside of my comfort zone, to a different country. She usually encourages me to go out and do something. Follow my dreams. She infact was wishing to move to Canada. My sister fights with my mom till now and that destroys her mental health and peace. So she used to call me up and complain or talk about what is happening at home when I was going to office in a different city. So I think I have grown up weak with insecurities partly by genes and also the way we were brought up. And that continued and developed, and I didn’t work towards improving it. I need to do that atleast now. As I said I will focus the workouts and what I can do to imrove my confidence and satisfaction of accomplishment. So I will probably be busy setting up the equipments and getting started with the workouts for this transformation challenge now.  Thank you both for the efforts to help me out. Take care and be safe.

    #379099
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Dandan,

    perhaps there was a misunderstanding. It’s clear that you love your mother very much and believe she was loving and caring towards you and your siblings. Perhaps she intended to, but as you said, she had many issues, like inferiority complex, and feeling sad a lot of of the times, and this affects a child a lot.

    My mother e.g. believed she was a martyr, and she criticized me a lot and was strict with me. But she did everything for me, she took care of me physically very well, got up at 4am in the morning to cook lunch for me before she went to work, etc. She was a martyr mother, provided for all of my material needs, but not my emotional needs. And that caused a lot of psychological problems for me as I grew up.

    What I am trying to say that our parents might have good intentions and might care for us physically, but due to their own limitations, they fail to meet our emotional needs, which are as important as our physical needs. So e.g. if your mother had low self-esteem, she would allow her children and her husband to yell at her:

    Every single day in the morning before leaving to school, they used to shout at mom for every single thing like if they don’t like the breakfast, if the uniform was not ironed well and for various reasons.

    She has faced a lot of abuse from my sisters as well as dad.

    Perhaps that weakened her further, and she was suffering a lot, always being a little sad and depressed. She believed she cannot help herself, or even that she deserves it (you said she had inferiority complex, being born in a village, having no college education). So if your dad and sisters were abusive to her, perhaps you were the only one who understood her and had pity for her. You didn’t treat her like that, you only shouted at her a few times. You were kind to her most of the times and tried to console her and make her happy. She could talk to you, perhaps complain about your father and sisters, and you would listen. Was that what was going on?

    It doesn’t make your mother a bad person,  it’s just that she didn’t have the capacity to take care of herself, or stand up for herself. She was weak and had low self-esteem, and as a result, she didn’t have the capacity to give you proper emotional care either. I can say with certainty that when a parent has emotional/psychological deficiencies, it always reflects on the children.

    My mother was also encouraging me to study well and go abroad to places like Germany, but at the same time she was critical of me and didn’t have trust in me. Your mother seems like she didn’t criticize you, but she was emotionally dependent on you, and it was a burden for you, whether you’re aware of it or not. A child cannot give emotional support to a parent. Rather, a child needs emotional support from the parent. If the roles are reversed, a child cannot grow up to be a healthy, independent individual with needs and wants of their own. They will always remain attached to the parent, trying to make them happy, and making their happiness depend on their parent’s happiness.

    So I believe you should be looking at your role as emotional care-taker to your mother, not in the sense of emotional incest, but simply as you seeing your mother suffer and be sad, and trying to make her happy and comfort her, when she couldn’t do that on her own.

     

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 3 weeks ago by TeaK.
    #379105
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Dandan,

    I want to say something about addiction, because I suffered from an eating disorder, and I know how it can destroy your self-confidence even further. The main cause of addiction is not that you have weak willpower, but that some emotional needs weren’t met in your childhood. The addiction is there to sooth the pain of that loss. For me, it was the pain of being criticized, of never being good enough for my mother. For you, the pain may be something else, perhaps the pain of never being able to make your mother happy, which resulted in your self-esteem issues?

    My self-esteem issues were caused by my mother directly criticizing me and having no compassion for me. Your mother might have not criticized you, but she was often sad and depressed for various reasons. A child cannot bear when the mother is sad, he wants to make her happy, so he’s trying everything in his power. If he fails, he will feel bad about himself, not good enough, not worthy enough. He will blame himself, even if it’s not conscious. The result is lack of self-esteem, even though your mother might have never spoken badly of you.

    So I think I have grown up weak with insecurities partly by genes and also the way we were brought up.

    Yes, it depends both on our character and temperament (on genes, as you say), and on the way we were brought up. You are a sensitive and compassionate person, that’s why you couldn’t bear to see your mother suffer, so you tried to help her. But I’ve explained how you still might have ended up hurt and with low self-esteem.

    As I said I will focus the workouts and what I can do to imrove my confidence and satisfaction of accomplishment. So I will probably be busy setting up the equipments and getting started with the workouts for this transformation challenge now.

    It’s worthwhile that you’re now trying to do the workout challenge and do something that will lift you up from lethargy and feeling bad about yourself. However, I know from experience that it can only boost your self-confidence temporarily. The wound is deeper and it won’t go away with any outer accomplishment. It will only go away if you actually deal with your wounded inner child. Until you heal that core wound, you won’t have lasting success.

     

    #379114
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Dandan:

    Earlier you wrote that about 2014 and onward: “I wanted to improve my self esteem, improve myself in every aspect my looks, appearance, personality”. In May 2, 2021, you wrote: “I will focus (on) the workouts and what I can do to improve my confidence… getting started with the workouts for this transformation challenge”-

    – I want to propose to you today an emotional transformation challenge that will make it possible for you to succeed long-term in other emotional (self-esteem, confidence), physical (looks, appearance), career (a satisfying job, maybe abroad) and relationship (a satisfying relationship/ marriage) challenges:

    Stop seeing life through your mother’s eyes. See life anew, with your own eyes. It will make a huge difference in your life for the better.

    Through your mother’s eyes, she is Everybody’s Victim, everyone judges her and everyone victimizes her, including  neighbors: (“She didn’t have a great relationship with the neighbours as well when we were kids. She always felt people judged her”).

    You feel so much pain for her because you believe that she really is and has been, since her childhood, Everybody’s Victim, a tragic figure, and you are eager to defend her and show (here on your thread) that she really is that victim, that tragic figure.

    I understand that her life has been unfortunate in some significant ways, but many people’s lives have been, and are unfortunate, including your sisters’ and your own life: look back at your life so far, hasn’t it been quite tragic?

    She is not more of a victim than many millions of people all over the world, past and present. She is not as much of a victim as she has presented herself to be. In some contexts she presented herself to be the victim when it is not true at all, for example, your sisters, when they were young girls, were her victims, not the other way around.

    As long as you believe that your mother is Everybody’s Victim, The World’s Tragic Figure, you will continue to carry in your heart too much pain to handle. With too much pain to handle, you are bound to fail in the challenges you set for yourself.

    Let’s look further into how The Victim affects her favorite, special person: “She likes me more than my siblings. She always takes extra care of me. Even now. Treats me special.. My mom still loves me a lot. My sister says that my mom is like obsessed with me… I don’t know I couldn’t handle too much love… She wants me to be around her. She tells that my presence gives her some strength… For her, it is something emotional when I apply and massage her legs when she is in pain. She was so fragile and needy of that emotion when I felt. I did apply and massage. I do that many times. But that day as she was needy of that emotion, I felt so heavy inside, it was too much to me“-

    – her special treatment of you is too much for you to handle, it makes you feel so heavy inside. It may give her some strength, but it takes away your strength and  makes you weak. Her special treatment of you is keeping you sick: it traps you and imprisons you inside the life of Everybody’s Victim.

    Please take on the challenge of freeing yourself from that prison, that world: see your mother as she really is and you will see you the way you really are (a much  better person than you imagine yourself to be in every way), and you will see other people as they are. This clear seeing will make it possible for you to make better choices in life, choose wisely what other challenges to take on, and succeed in those challenges.

    anita

    #382054
    Dandan
    Participant

    Hi Anita and Teak,

     

    Thank you for your responses and my apologies for responding late. I have been trying my best to work hard in the body transformation challenge that i am doing and just another month left before which I am trying to see maximum results. I didn’t have patience to write back or process anything complicated in my mind. From the mental health stand point I am still feeling the same. I think about my life thru my own eyes and not let anything else hinder my thoughts. I have been that way most of the time. I have also started interviewing in few companies in Germany London Netherlands etc. But I am still double minded as to whether to stay here and continue working, start a side hustle and make it something, or to move to another country, gain the experience of work and life. I still fully confused. And being stuck at home for more than a year is making it even worse. I still can’t forget her. Whenever I watch a series in Netflix or any happy moments , I can’t stop imagining sharing the joy with her, crazy things we could do, I do , the laughter etc. These images and scenes keeps flashing in my mind. I couldn’t forget her. I stalk her insta page , which was public but now she made it private. I know her parents are looking for a guy for her. I am scared of losing her. I am scared that if I don’t make a move now she will be gone and it will be too late.  I didn’t think I will complicate my life to this extent. My parents ask about my marriage and i tell them saying I want to go abroad and work and roam. I am not ready for marrying another girl. Or do i feel this because I have not met any other girl and spoke to her ? Will I change if I meet another girl ? I don’t know myself. As of now, I keep getting her thoughts, a lot.

     

    I sometimes think was it all a mistake, that we both met in the first place. A friend’s friend’s friend’s sister. Meeting her in an unplanned tour which I went because of a decision I made while I was high. Which I felt should never have happened. I wonder was it a mistake that I met her in the first place or that’s how people meet the liked ones in the world. Should I realise that it is normal to meet people in strange ways and strange place and cherish what I feel or should I think it as something that happened by mistake. I don’t know how to think about this. I have this feeling is grass is greener the other side on all the aspects of my life. Every single thing. Even about job. I have an interview tomorrow at Bloomberg and I know even if I crack it, from that moment, I will feel negative about the offer and moving to different country. But now when I am here with a different company, I want to try for companies outside. My mind keeps switching so frequently. There is something fundamentally wrong with my thought process. I wasn’t this confused pre pandemic. I always had people, friends around and that gives me mental strength. Being at home for long time surely taking toll. Same issue with my ex. When I talk to her I don’t want her and things feel heavy. When I don’t talk to her I feel I want her and I miss her. But had we continued to stay in same city things would have been different. I have been processing this feeling staying away from each other. I have told her plenty of times I hate long chatting in WhatsApp and over phone talking about complicated relationship stuff without even being together, that sucks. Last year technically we weren’t together, as in like in a relationship. But why am I still not able to move on ? Because I haven’t had this closeness with anyone else. Will I get this closeness if I meet some other girl ? I don’t know. Or am I making this too complex? Should I simply accept and cherish the feelings we have and get together ? And try to be happy ? Cuz that’s how arranged marriage is going to be as well. Idk. Sorry i couldn’t reply to you both individually. I literally don’t have mental strength to process things too deep now. I just felt like writing again of my fear.

    #382057
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Dandan,

    it’s good to hear from you again! I am glad you’re doing the body transformation challenge and haven’t given up. I imagine it makes you feel a little better and more positive about yourself?

    I understand you weren’t ready last time to look deeper into the psychological stuff. But you might need to, at least a little, to resolve the dilemma about your ex girlfriend. You say: “I still can’t forget her. I haven’t had this closeness with anyone else“.

    Considering that you had 2 long-term relationships before her, one of them almost ending in marriage (and it didn’t only because of her parents, not because you didn’t want to get married) – it means quite a lot. I mean, if you wanted to get married to a girl with whom you felt less close than to your ex, then it would make sense to seriously consider your ex for marriage as well. At least that’s how I see it.

    You say you weren’t this confused before the pandemic:

    I wasn’t this confused pre pandemic. I always had people, friends around and that gives me mental strength.

    Your confusion may have to do with the fact that you’re living with your parents. It triggers and amplifies your feeling of insecurity, even hopelessness. Because growing up with a sad and depressed mother, and never really succeeding in making her happy although you tried your best – can lead to a feeling of hopelessness. You may be unconsciously thinking something like: “today things are good and we may laugh (when mom is happy after seeing a good movie), but tomorrow it may all come crashing down and we may lose it again. I may lose it again (when mom is depressed and I cannot console her).”

    So, you might have this feeling that happiness is fleeting, and that you will lose it sooner or later – because that’s how you felt while growing up. And now that you’ve been living with your family for l,5 years, the feeling is stronger and you cannot shake if off. You don’t have the mental power to resist it on your own.

    Please consider that this might be a problem, and that living with your parents affects you negatively. It affects your thought process too, making you even more insecure, confused and hopeless.

    You might want to consider that the fears you had/have about your ex are also magnified by living at your parents’ place. If you want to have more clarity, you’d need to move away from home. I believe you’d need to do that before you start applying for jobs abroad, before making any major decision in life. Because now you’re trapped in this thinking, and even if you get a good offer, you will most probably refuse it, like you did in the past:

    I have this feeling is grass is greener the other side on all the aspects of my life. Every single thing. Even about job. I have an interview tomorrow at Bloomberg and I know even if I crack it, from that moment, I will feel negative about the offer and moving to different country. But now when I am here with a different company, I want to try for companies outside. My mind keeps switching so frequently. There is something fundamentally wrong with my thought process.

    Yes, your through process is hijacked by your fears and the feeling of hopelessness and worthlessness – everything you felt as a little boy. In order to help yourself, you’d need to move away from home – as prerequisite No1. What do you think about it? Do you think it’s feasible?

    I sometimes think was it all a mistake, that we both met in the first place.  … I wonder was it a mistake that I met her in the first place or that’s how people meet the liked ones in the world.

    Many love stories are born from “chance” encounters. Why do you think it was a mistake? If you felt more close with her than with anybody else, then it can’t be a mistake – but rather a gift?

     

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 4 weeks ago by TeaK.
    #382082
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Dandan:

    “From the mental health stand point I am still feeling the same… still fully confused…I wonder was it a mistake that I met her in the first place… I have this feeling is grass is greener the other side on all the aspects of my life. Every single thing… My mind keeps switching so frequently. There is something fundamentally wrong with my thought process… When I talk to her I don’t want her and things feel heavy. When I don’t talk to her I feel I want her and I miss her”, “I think about my life thru my own eyes and not let anything else hinder my thoughts“-

    – Currently, your mental health is not well. You are so confused and so distressed that.. you only think of life through your own eyes. You are not considering life through her eyes: will it be good for her to resume any kind of relationship with a man as confused as you are, a man who doesn’t even know if having met her was a mistake?

    Is it good for her to be with a man who doesn’t want her when talking to her, a man whose mind keeps switching s frequently?

    When as people we are too distressed and confused, we don’t think of the well-being of others, we don’t let .. their well being hinder our thoughts.

    Let her go, Dandan. Take on the personal healing path so that you do not hurt those who you hope to love, and so that being mentally healthier, you can live a better life in all aspects of life.

    anita

     

     

    #382171
    Dandan
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I have thought a lot thru her eyes as well. I know how painful it was for her to be with a person like me who is so confused. I did not contact her back for the same reason. I tried to go away from her so many times in this 2 years for the same reason. But some or the other way we started talking again. Sometimes she started talking back and sometimes I. Last year we weren’t technically commited to a relationship as such. I spoke to her when I was completely hopeless and so distressed and badly wanted to talk to someone and she was ready to help. I couldn’t help it but I know that could be selfish of me and couple of times she initiated the talk after a break as well. This has been going on. I have thought about it many times was it a mistake I met her but I know deep inside that it was not a mistake. I had this bond with her that I haven’t had with anyone else and not sure if I will have after as well. It is a once in a lifetime bond and friendship I would say which happens with the closest and most compatible person according our characters. But why I think that it was a mistake sometimes is because of the baggage that I have been holding ever since the beginning this. But now after all the pain we have been thru, I have realised  these things happen and I need to ignore the baggage of the whole sister issue and keep that aside and look at the bright side , which is the feelings we have. It feels heavy sometimes with her because of my depression with myself. I feel depressed with myself when I am alone and most times and she is more like me. We have more in common. And as she is also more like me, I feel depressed sometimes when I am with her. It’s not a problem with her, it is a problem with me. It’s like half of the time we both are super excited and happy and other times I get depressed mostly post afternoon and evening. I experienced this in February when I spent a week with her. Long distance relationship has distorted my feelings and mindset. But deep inside I couldn’t forget her. Past 2 years my parents have been showing me profiles of girls I could marry. But I couldn’t, I wasn’t able to proceed even when I was on a break with her. It’s been a little more than 2 months since we broke us now and still I am not able to proceed steadily with other profiles. My parents shared a good profile of a girl to me today and still my mind is the same. It has been this way even when I have not been talking to her. But I feel I have never worked on myself all these years which is one of the main reasons for my depression. I am working hard for the body building challenge to lift up my confidence and get some satisfaction. And I will also work on learning dance and also about starting a new side hustle or a business to see myself as a person and these things will improve my mental health I hope. My depression though it sometimes doesn’t have any main reason, is sometimes because of my unaccomplishment. That I didn’t do things I wanted to do. I wanted to get to my best physique since my school days but I procrastinated it for a decade and I wanted to dance well and do some stage performances but I didn’t. So all these things kept piling up and is one of the reasons for the depression. So I have a feeling that if I lift up these work on these, eventually I will be fine and happy. Now I don’t know if I will be able to forget her. It hurts to think about letting her go but I don’t know what to do.

    I think I will get more clarity if I move away from my home and stay in a different city with friends around.

    #382173
    Dandan
    Participant

    Hi Teak,

    Yes, staying at home now is increasing my insecurities. Staying at home for more than a year now and lack of much social contacts apart from my mom dad and sisters family is making my mind worse. Parents are more worried and are unsecured about my marriage as they think I am aging. I am 31.3 years now and according to the normal here ,people get married at the max at 28-29. I know 31-33 is also a normal age to get married but they are so insecured and so worried that I could see that in their eyes and that makes me insecured as well. There are some perks of being at home. I get to okay with my nephews and simply watching them play gives me some happiness. But towards the end of the day I feel low for no reason. One of my greatest fear is that times is moving so fast. I am 31 already and 3 months have gone since my bday. And I will be 32 soon, 35 and 40 soon and I will be leaving this world. This is so scary and depressing. It looks stupid, I know because time doesn’t stop for anyone. But these small things are looking big to me since last one year since I came home. Not just because I am with my parents but because of the lack of enough social network. When I meet people and go to places and office I was more confident or at least normal on these small aspects. Now the world has changed completely for everyone. Even if I go to a different city, I will stay alone in a new rented place. If I think about it sitting at my place now, that also looks scary and depressing. This is how I rejected the Germany job offer. But this time I need to get out and experience how it feels no matter what happens. I am supposed to have moved out this January itself but I stayed here because I wanted to participate in the body transformation challenge. If I am outside I will end up breaking my diet and drinking. Even if I control myself, when a friend asks to drink, I can’t deny. I get tempted and I drink and I leave behind all my life goals. And I realised this last one year that how many years I have wasted just by drinking and partying instead of working on myself, working on a side hustle or creating something new. At the beginning I was so interested in created an app or software or a game. But I always gave priority to partying because I felt I will be left out if I isolate myself and work on myself. I felt I will miss out on all the fun. But on the back of head, these unaccomplishments have been piling up and created a huge regret bad feeling about myself and depression. I always thought I have time to work on those. To get my best physique, to improve dancing and do some stage performance – just within the company I work and in cultural events, not on a bug stage. To start or atleast try out something new on the side like a business. I wanted to do these before I get married. I thought I will someone along this path which I would take and that would be the compatible. But I realise things don’t go as planned. For everyone. I thought meeting her was a mistake because of all the issues that happened and the baggage that I carried. I tend to think a lot about past whenever something doesn’t happen in a good way but I know there is no use of thinking that way. I can’t deny the fact that regardless of us getting together or not, what we had was unique and nice and something in doubt I will ever have someone else. I have had relationship before but this level of closeness is something rate. Be it just friendship, feelings, companion or anything, I love what we had between us, keeping aside my depressions and confusions from it. During my past relationship, I just finished college. We studied together, we were together. We had that attachment as we met everyday. And I wanted to marry. As years passed, marriage became a big decision in my life. We met, we had feelings but it all started with a lot of chaos along and after meeting for a short while we stayed in different cities. My roommates felt what I was doing is not appropriate they didn’t ask me or talk to me about it. But I knew. I knew the kind of ruckus her sister created at my place in front of my roommates. I had to not be at home when she comes. It was messy. And provided we didn’t get to meet each other as well. So slowly things started falling apart. Atleast in my mind. But if I still can’t get over her, and can’t be with her either, not able to think about marrying other girl either, am I doomed ? I am so scared. I feel like which ever path I take I am doomed and going to be miserable. If this is only because I am overthinking, I will realise it when I move outside and meet friends and get back to normal life. Sitting at home alone in a room and overthinking about everything makes everything look scary.

    #382182
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Dandan:

    * In your thread, you wrote about your depression: “I hate being alone most of the times. I get zoned out and get depressed for no reason, even among friends. I feel always low for no reason…I feel depressed with myself when I am alone.. I get depressed mostly post afternoon and evening.. I feel like which ever path I take I am doomed and going to be miserable”-

    – your depression is a result of a daily complex chemical mix that your brain and body produce, including neurotransmitters and hormones. Your brain is in a chemical habit of being depressed, a habit that intensifies post afternoons and evenings.

    You wrote that your depression “sometimes doesn’t have any main reason”, and sometimes it is because of your un-accomplishments, such as not getting to your best physique,  “So I have a feeling that if I lift up these work on these, eventually I will be fine and happy”-

    – Your depression is a chemical habit of your brain and body. Exercising helps temporarily because of uplifting chemicals that are produced during exercise, but some time after the exercise, your brain goes back to its chemical habit of depression. Therefore, when you accomplish your desired physique, not long after, you are very likely to return to your habit of depression, and be a depressed man with a great physique.

    * In your thread, you wrote about your overthinking: “Every small step. I over think a lot. I have like 100 thoughts with images and gifs running in my mind without control every minute…My mind keeps switching so frequently. There is something fundamentally wrong with my thought process….I tend to think a lot about past whenever something doesn’t happen in a good way but I know there is no use of thinking that way… I am overthinking… Sitting at home alone in a room and overthinking about everything makes everything look scary”-

    – You are suffering from obsessive thinking. (You obsessively think about negative topics because you are depressed)

    From reading your words (quotes above) and seeing the volume of your posts (how your many thoughts burst into the screen as you type them), it seems clear to me that you need to see a medical doctor for psychiatric medications so to treat your (1) depression, (2) obsessive thinking.

    I am not a medical doctor, but millions of people are treated successfully with the SSRI group of medications that are used to treat depression and obsessive thinking (one tablet treats both). You don’t have to be on psychiatric drugs forever, but in your case, I think that they are a necessary beginning for your healing.

    You have to have a relief from the severe depression and obsessive thinking that you suffer from before you are able to make significant life choices regarding career and relationships.

    “I feel like which ever path I take I am doomed and going to be miserable”- without medications providing you with the relief you need so desperately, I agree with this statement. Please see a competent, reputable medical doctor as soon as possible. (I don’t think that SSRIs will interrupt your physique building, you can ask a doctor about it).

    anita

    #382464
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Dandan,

    It’s like half of the time we both are super excited and happy and other times I get depressed mostly post afternoon and evening.

    My depression though it sometimes doesn’t have any main reason, is sometimes because of my unaccomplishment.

    I believe your depression is rooted in your childhood, living with a depressed mother, whom you could never make happy. That’s the reason you felt and still feel bad about yourself, and why you need alcohol and other stimulants to soothe your pain, to forget about the pain. That’s also the reason why you feel unworthy and incapable, and haven’t accomplished the things you wanted to accomplish.

    You’re now experiencing the results of your low self-esteem (insecurity, depression, addiction), but the reason for your low self-esteem is in your childhood. If you want to start healing, you’d need to focus on healing your inner child.

    I was similar to you, had an eating disorder and super low self-esteem, low accomplishment, and lots of insecurities. I didn’t need to get on medications but I started attending therapy. And a really big breakthrough came with healing the inner child – addressing those unmet emotional needs that I had as a child. I am quite confident it would help you too.

    But if I still can’t get over her, and can’t be with her either, not able to think about marrying other girl either, am I doomed ? I am so scared. I feel like which ever path I take I am doomed and going to be miserable.

    It appears you did have a strong bond, but mostly because of your internal state (depression, confusion, insecurity), you were unable to maintain and sustain that bond. You were sometimes depressed “for no reason”. I know the feeling: even when everything seems fine on the outside and you should have all the reasons to be happy, you cannot – there is something inside you that won’t let you. That’s the inner child who won’t let you be happy, until you heal him.

    In your present state, I don’t think you could be happy with any other girl, and it may be that she is “the one” for you. But you’d need to heal yourself enough to be able to sustain the relationship and not reject her love.

     

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