May 2, 2021 at 9:21 pm #379098DandanParticipant
Hi Anita &Teak
<p style=”text-align: left;”> I think I didn’t explain it the way it is, I am not putting the right words. My mom showed love and care to all of us in the childhood. When my sister started getting issues, my mom couldn’t help much. One of the main reason apart from not being able to was, my sisters used to fight a lot with my mom at time time. Every single day in the morning before leaving to school, they used to shout at mom for every single thing like if they don’t like the breakfast, if the uniform was not ironed well and for various reasons. It was affecting me as well. And few times I have also shouted at her. These things affected her a lot and she became more weak after that. And with the massage, it is not anything physical at all. I don’t do it all the time. Only when she herself is not able to do. I do that dry kind of massage for leg pain for my dad too sometime. Here, it is an affectionate kind of gesture to hold legs for parents when they have leg pain. So nothing more than that. She doesn’t enjoy it physically. She asked me that day because whe was very low and also she was very tired. She has faced a lot of abuse from my sisters as well as dad. Not something so brutal but verbal and fight etc. That is again a different lengthy story on her.</p>
She wants be to go outside of my comfort zone, to a different country. She usually encourages me to go out and do something. Follow my dreams. She infact was wishing to move to Canada. My sister fights with my mom till now and that destroys her mental health and peace. So she used to call me up and complain or talk about what is happening at home when I was going to office in a different city. So I think I have grown up weak with insecurities partly by genes and also the way we were brought up. And that continued and developed, and I didn’t work towards improving it. I need to do that atleast now. As I said I will focus the workouts and what I can do to imrove my confidence and satisfaction of accomplishment. So I will probably be busy setting up the equipments and getting started with the workouts for this transformation challenge now. Thank you both for the efforts to help me out. Take care and be safe.May 3, 2021 at 12:03 am #379099TeaKParticipant
perhaps there was a misunderstanding. It’s clear that you love your mother very much and believe she was loving and caring towards you and your siblings. Perhaps she intended to, but as you said, she had many issues, like inferiority complex, and feeling sad a lot of of the times, and this affects a child a lot.
My mother e.g. believed she was a martyr, and she criticized me a lot and was strict with me. But she did everything for me, she took care of me physically very well, got up at 4am in the morning to cook lunch for me before she went to work, etc. She was a martyr mother, provided for all of my material needs, but not my emotional needs. And that caused a lot of psychological problems for me as I grew up.
What I am trying to say that our parents might have good intentions and might care for us physically, but due to their own limitations, they fail to meet our emotional needs, which are as important as our physical needs. So e.g. if your mother had low self-esteem, she would allow her children and her husband to yell at her:
Every single day in the morning before leaving to school, they used to shout at mom for every single thing like if they don’t like the breakfast, if the uniform was not ironed well and for various reasons.
She has faced a lot of abuse from my sisters as well as dad.
Perhaps that weakened her further, and she was suffering a lot, always being a little sad and depressed. She believed she cannot help herself, or even that she deserves it (you said she had inferiority complex, being born in a village, having no college education). So if your dad and sisters were abusive to her, perhaps you were the only one who understood her and had pity for her. You didn’t treat her like that, you only shouted at her a few times. You were kind to her most of the times and tried to console her and make her happy. She could talk to you, perhaps complain about your father and sisters, and you would listen. Was that what was going on?
It doesn’t make your mother a bad person, it’s just that she didn’t have the capacity to take care of herself, or stand up for herself. She was weak and had low self-esteem, and as a result, she didn’t have the capacity to give you proper emotional care either. I can say with certainty that when a parent has emotional/psychological deficiencies, it always reflects on the children.
My mother was also encouraging me to study well and go abroad to places like Germany, but at the same time she was critical of me and didn’t have trust in me. Your mother seems like she didn’t criticize you, but she was emotionally dependent on you, and it was a burden for you, whether you’re aware of it or not. A child cannot give emotional support to a parent. Rather, a child needs emotional support from the parent. If the roles are reversed, a child cannot grow up to be a healthy, independent individual with needs and wants of their own. They will always remain attached to the parent, trying to make them happy, and making their happiness depend on their parent’s happiness.
So I believe you should be looking at your role as emotional care-taker to your mother, not in the sense of emotional incest, but simply as you seeing your mother suffer and be sad, and trying to make her happy and comfort her, when she couldn’t do that on her own.
May 3, 2021 at 3:33 am #379105TeaKParticipant
- This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by TeaK.
I want to say something about addiction, because I suffered from an eating disorder, and I know how it can destroy your self-confidence even further. The main cause of addiction is not that you have weak willpower, but that some emotional needs weren’t met in your childhood. The addiction is there to sooth the pain of that loss. For me, it was the pain of being criticized, of never being good enough for my mother. For you, the pain may be something else, perhaps the pain of never being able to make your mother happy, which resulted in your self-esteem issues?
My self-esteem issues were caused by my mother directly criticizing me and having no compassion for me. Your mother might have not criticized you, but she was often sad and depressed for various reasons. A child cannot bear when the mother is sad, he wants to make her happy, so he’s trying everything in his power. If he fails, he will feel bad about himself, not good enough, not worthy enough. He will blame himself, even if it’s not conscious. The result is lack of self-esteem, even though your mother might have never spoken badly of you.
So I think I have grown up weak with insecurities partly by genes and also the way we were brought up.
Yes, it depends both on our character and temperament (on genes, as you say), and on the way we were brought up. You are a sensitive and compassionate person, that’s why you couldn’t bear to see your mother suffer, so you tried to help her. But I’ve explained how you still might have ended up hurt and with low self-esteem.
As I said I will focus the workouts and what I can do to imrove my confidence and satisfaction of accomplishment. So I will probably be busy setting up the equipments and getting started with the workouts for this transformation challenge now.
It’s worthwhile that you’re now trying to do the workout challenge and do something that will lift you up from lethargy and feeling bad about yourself. However, I know from experience that it can only boost your self-confidence temporarily. The wound is deeper and it won’t go away with any outer accomplishment. It will only go away if you actually deal with your wounded inner child. Until you heal that core wound, you won’t have lasting success.May 3, 2021 at 7:39 am #379114anitaParticipant
Earlier you wrote that about 2014 and onward: “I wanted to improve my self esteem, improve myself in every aspect my looks, appearance, personality”. In May 2, 2021, you wrote: “I will focus (on) the workouts and what I can do to improve my confidence… getting started with the workouts for this transformation challenge”-
– I want to propose to you today an emotional transformation challenge that will make it possible for you to succeed long-term in other emotional (self-esteem, confidence), physical (looks, appearance), career (a satisfying job, maybe abroad) and relationship (a satisfying relationship/ marriage) challenges:
Stop seeing life through your mother’s eyes. See life anew, with your own eyes. It will make a huge difference in your life for the better.
Through your mother’s eyes, she is Everybody’s Victim, everyone judges her and everyone victimizes her, including neighbors: (“She didn’t have a great relationship with the neighbours as well when we were kids. She always felt people judged her”).
You feel so much pain for her because you believe that she really is and has been, since her childhood, Everybody’s Victim, a tragic figure, and you are eager to defend her and show (here on your thread) that she really is that victim, that tragic figure.
I understand that her life has been unfortunate in some significant ways, but many people’s lives have been, and are unfortunate, including your sisters’ and your own life: look back at your life so far, hasn’t it been quite tragic?
She is not more of a victim than many millions of people all over the world, past and present. She is not as much of a victim as she has presented herself to be. In some contexts she presented herself to be the victim when it is not true at all, for example, your sisters, when they were young girls, were her victims, not the other way around.
As long as you believe that your mother is Everybody’s Victim, The World’s Tragic Figure, you will continue to carry in your heart too much pain to handle. With too much pain to handle, you are bound to fail in the challenges you set for yourself.
Let’s look further into how The Victim affects her favorite, special person: “She likes me more than my siblings. She always takes extra care of me. Even now. Treats me special.. My mom still loves me a lot. My sister says that my mom is like obsessed with me… I don’t know I couldn’t handle too much love… She wants me to be around her. She tells that my presence gives her some strength… For her, it is something emotional when I apply and massage her legs when she is in pain. She was so fragile and needy of that emotion when I felt. I did apply and massage. I do that many times. But that day as she was needy of that emotion, I felt so heavy inside, it was too much to me“-
– her special treatment of you is too much for you to handle, it makes you feel so heavy inside. It may give her some strength, but it takes away your strength and makes you weak. Her special treatment of you is keeping you sick: it traps you and imprisons you inside the life of Everybody’s Victim.
Please take on the challenge of freeing yourself from that prison, that world: see your mother as she really is and you will see you the way you really are (a much better person than you imagine yourself to be in every way), and you will see other people as they are. This clear seeing will make it possible for you to make better choices in life, choose wisely what other challenges to take on, and succeed in those challenges.