Dear momstrength,

I believe the most important to focus on and consider in this situation is your daughter’s well-being. If she’s not getting proper care and attention, i.e. he’s not engaging with her enough and leaves her alone in her swing/bouncer/walker, or in front of the TV for many hours, while spending time on his phone, and even possibly smoking in her presence, that’s child neglect.

I understand he doesn’t really qualify for a stay-at-home dad, because he does have a job/source of income, or is trying to build his business at present. So in that sense, it should be clear when he’s working and when he’s fully engaged with your daughter. If the lines are blurred and he doesn’t really fulfill his responsibilities as a father, the situation should be changed ASAP, for the benefit of your daughter.

One possibility is to take her to daycare only for a few hours par day, say 4 hours, to allow him time to work, and the rest she could spend with him. But then he would need to engage more with her and perhaps cook a meal here and there, and do some cleaning perhaps.

All that is possible if you have a sensible, responsible partner, who is committed both to you and your daughter. Daily schedule could be worked out for the benefit of all, and mostly your daughter. But your fiance doesn’t seem like such a person unfortunately. He isn’t responsible, and he doesn’t seem to be committed, neither to you nor your daughter. He flirts with other women and then gaslights you that it means nothing, or that it’s strictly business-related.

You say you’re the strong one in the relationship: you have a traditional 9-5 job, you bought your home, did all the paperwork, you pay the bills, arrange doctor’s appointments etc. It seems to me you’re the adult in the relationship, and he’s like a youth having a good time and expecting “mom” to take care of him and all the adult stuff. It’s never fortunate to have an unequal relationship, where one party cannot take their part of the responsibility.

So I think you should do something to change the status-quo, primarily for the benefit of your daughter, but for your own sake too.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Tee.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Tee.