Dear Boris1010,

thanks for sharing some more. Here’s how I see it… Your wife comes from an alcoholic family (was her father an alcoholic?), so she was attracted to men who remind her of her father, although she wasn’t aware of that consciously. One of her affairs, for whom she left you for a year, was a violent man (possibly also an alcoholic?) who “tore up the apartment in a fit of rage”. Although a part of her is attracted to alcoholics, another part craves security, and that’s why she chose you.

You became “safe” in your 30s when you quit drinking. You were extremely safe – you were predictable like a robot, you did your job, was an excellent handyman, and tolerated her infidelities. She could meet her other needs (for romance, excitement, emotional sharing) with other men, but her strongest need – for safety – was met by you. You were her safe base, something she probably didn’t have while growing up.

You on the other hand had extremely low self-esteem and believed you don’t deserve better, when she started cheating on you early in your marriage. You were a weekend drunk, which contributed to your feeling unworthy. When she started having affairs, you probably had one more reason to drink, to soothe the pain and hurt. It wasn’t anything new for you to feel miserable, so her infidelities were just one more source of pain, that you added to your list. You continued the practice of binge drinking on the weekends and forgetting about all the troubles… until something came up in  your 30s, and you were forced to stop.

When you stopped drinking, you cut off your feelings altogether. You couldn’t afford yourself to feel anything because it would push you right back into drinking. With you being clinically depressed, she could relate to you less and less, and probably had even more need for other men. She even left you for a year, but then was shocked to the core when her boyfriend became violent. She run back to you, to her safe base. She was sure you’d never leave her, or never raise your hand on her. It felt good. That part feels good for her. When you started drinking again after your accident, she was adamant you seek help, because she couldn’t afford to lose the only thing she cherishes in your marriage: safety.

You say don’t trust your judgment. That’s because you’re cut off from your emotions and your gut feeling. Without it, we cannot know what we want, what’s good for us, or even what’s right or wrong. We can’t decide with our emotions being cut off. So working on switching your emotions back on is really important. You’ll also feel better about yourself, because you’ll know what you want and what you don’t want.

I guess somewhere deep down you’d find a lot of resentment towards your wife, for all the affairs and looking down at you over the years. Perhaps the sort of resentment you feel towards your stepfather?

You say you’re loyal to her. Physically, yes. Before the AA woman, you didn’t have any emotions, so it was easy to be loyal, I guess. After that, you started an emotional affair (albeit one-sided) with the AA woman, and all that suppressed love and romance and excitement – which your wife craves for too – went to another woman. So you’re physically loyal, but emotionally not.

Anyway, these are my remarks for now. Do you think I am seeing it right?