Dear Javier:

I want to re-arrange what you shared in your five posts into a timeline and then offer my understanding and suggestions.

Toddler: “The biggest fear, that has followed me since I was a toddler, is the fear of losing my mother”.

Teens: “I have struggled with heavy drug addiction in my teens. MDMA and cocaine were used on a daily basis”.

(?) “I’ve always been in very good shape physically. I used to run 15- 20 miles weekly, combined with 2-3 sessions of strength training in the gym. I’ve been eating ‘clean’ and healthy for decades”

26-27: “waking up .. to anxiety attacks, gasping for air, and in full panic mode..  15-16 years ago… my then-girlfriend.. opted for an abortion. I.. had a mental breakdown. For almost a year I was numb and dead inside”.

27-37+: “After my mental breakdown due to the abortion, I got a job as a lead engineer on a cruise ship. I traveled around the world.. met loads of new people… For more than 10 years.. I felt important, I felt useful and I felt ‘loved'”.

38-42: “I’ve been in and out of counseling for 4 years now.. counseling made me unhappy and actually made matters worse.. My therapists insisted that .. I deal ‘head on’ with the negative experiences.. ‘inappropriately’ prescribe me psychiatric drugs like Imipramine and Prozac”.

41- 42 (2020-May 2021): “I lost my job due to downsizing, diagnosed with Covid, health has deteriorated immensely.. lost my apartment and my car.. living with my mother for the last 4 months… I have panic attacks, I’m depressed all the time.. Lately, a lot  of ‘hidden’ fears, that I’ve been struggling with are coming back.. I am afraid of sleeping, I’m struggling with anxiety attacks… the feeling of getting choked, the shivering, the sleep paralysis… The fear of being alone, the fear of dying alone, the fear of being forgotten.. So many fears and so much pain to endure… burning lungs, exhaustion, fever, tiredness and fatigue, palpitations, brain fog, muscle pain, and chest pain… everything feels like chronic pain.. I’m only able to walk short distances”.

My understanding with more quotes: you mentioned feeling loved (“I felt ‘loved'”) one time only, and that was when lived away from home/ away from your mother for over 10 years, traveling the world. You felt loved, important and useful when away.

At home, living with your mother, you’ve been afraid and miserable a whole lot of the time, ever since you were a toddler.

“She has suffered a lot.. She was the victim of physical and mental abuse by my ‘father’, harassed, endure death threats”- you were there when all that happened: you suffered a lot, you were the victim of abuse, you were harassed and threatened (when a child witnesses his mother being threatened, the  child is threatened).

“I have always felt responsible for ruining my mother’s life. She deserves to be happy, and live her life to the fullest”- You deserve to be happy. You deserve to live your life to the fullest. You are not responsible for ruining your mother’s life.

“She always put her kids first“- being put first translated to the toddler and kid that you were living in fear and misery.

“I’ve never been there emotionally for my mother”- or, was the other way around? A child whose mother has been there for him emotionally is not likely to suffer from such great anxiety for so long.

“I’ve never asked her how she felt, never shown any concerns or any caring.. I failed her and neglected her”- or it was the other way around?

“It’s pathetic and embarrassing to admit, but I just met my mother a dozen times in a span of 10 YEARS (!), valuable time that will never come again”-

– but those ten years of meeting your mother only a dozen times were very valuable: “I felt important, I felt useful and I felt ‘loved'”, you wrote earlier about those years. I hope that this valuable time will come again for you.

In summary: seems to me that you were at your best living away from home, away from your mother, and at your worst living at  home, with your mother. Your empathy is all invested in her as a tragic, suffering figure. It is as if, in your mind, you are the parent and she is the child whom you failed and hurt. But in reality, it’s the other way around.

Your mother was a child long ago, but that was way before you were born. You never met the child that she was. She may be the tragic figure you presented, a victim of your father, but it does not make you the villain. It so happens that you were a victim to, growing up.

My suggestions today: (1) redirect your empathy from your mother to you. As tragic as her life is, she failed you, not the other way around. Without the guilt that is burdening you, your anxiety will lessen and your health will improve, (2) your brain is in the neurological- chemical habit of fear. It is possible to train the brain and form a different habit, one of lesser fear and more calm. It is a very gradual, very long process, but if you persist and persevere, you will see significant improvement in a few months. The training can be done in the context of mindfulness exercises and practices, including but not limited to a daily and nightly doses of guided meditations.

anita