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End off the Road!!

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  • #379488
    Javier
    Participant

    I’m shattered, heartbroken and I’ve failed miserably in life.

    I look at my life, a life with no achievements, no family of my own, no friends, no social life, no future. I lost my job about one year ago due to downsizing, at the same time I was diagnosed with Covid. I have struggled every day mentally, physically, and emotionally ever since. My health has deteriorated immensely and I struggle to do daily chores. I’ve always been in very good shape physically. I used to run 15-20miles weekly combined with 2-3 sessions of strength training in the gym. I’ve been eating “clean” and healthy for decades and haven’t touched any alcohol in my 30s and 40s.

    As I don’t have any income, I lost my apartment and my car. I have been living with my mother for the last 4months. As a 42year old man, it is really pathetic and embarrassing to be depending on my mother. She is old, tired, and struggling with bad health. She can barely make the ends meet.

    For the last 2months, I’ve been waking up with the same nightmare. Waking up to anxiety attacks, gasping for air, and in full panic mode. I struggled with the same thing 15-16years ago. Back then, my then-girlfriend and I were expecting a child, but as she wasn’t mentally and physically prepared, she opted for an abortion. I was devastated, heartbroken, and had a mental breakdown. For almost a year I was numb and dead inside. I love kids, and always wanted kids, especially at a young age. I know it sounds lame, but I always been romanticizing the thought of having kids in my early 20s. So I could see them age, be in their life for a long time, see my grandchildren grow(I never ever met any of my grandparents, as they died before I was born). I still want kids, but the fear of being 55 or 60 years old when they’re 10, is a scary thought. The harsh reality is that, If I have kids, I most probably won’t see them getting adults and not be alive in case I have any grandchildren. The regret of not having kids, and especially in my 20s, haunts me every day. I have panic attacks, I´m depressed all the time, and feel empty and lost. I get reminded of this daily, as most of my acquaintances(ex-colleagues, classmates from uni/college, neighbors and etc) have had their kids in their 20s and 30s. I envy them immensely, and every time I see or hear kids, I get reminded of what I could have had.

    They say that unwanted intrusive thoughts never come alone. If you have one bad thought, several will follow. And, in my case, it’s true. Lately, a lot of “hidden” fears, that I’ve been struggling with are coming back. The biggest fear, that has followed me since I was a toddler, is the fear of losing my mother. I dread the day it will happen, and prey(even not religious at all) every day that I will die before she does, so I won’t see the day. I love my mother more than anything in the world. She has suffered a lot, sacrificed everything for me and my brothers. She was the victim of physical and mental abuse by my “father”, harassed, endured death threats, and then was left alone as my father left her for his mistress. I have always felt responsible for ruining my mother´s life. She deserves to be happy, and live her life to the fullest. But she never ever was able, due to the fact that she had 3 kids, and worked day and night to provide for us. She always put her kids first, and never ever complained. Therefore, it breaks my heart to admit that I’ve never been there emotionally for my mother. I have taken her for granted my whole life. I’ve never asked her how she felt, never shown any concerns or any caring. All the years that have gone by, I can’t bring them back. I really wish I could go back in time and correct this. I wish I would be less egocentric and cared more.

    I have never been able to keep relationships, and never been able to show love and care to my siblings and relatives. I have failed as a son, brother, grandson, nephew, cousin, and friend. I know, most people will say, if you can’t keep relationships, then It’s maybe for the better that you don’t have any kids. Because you’ll end up neglecting them. But I’ve managed to maintain one relationship, and that’s with my two nieces. I love both of them as if they were my own kids. They are the only thing that keeps me going in these tough times.

    Now, as I’m in my 40s, unemployed, with no bright future, childless, and a life full of regrets and remorse, I’m asking for some guidance.

    Every day is a struggle, every morning is nightmares, I’m afraid of sleeping, I’m struggling with anxiety attacks. I’m depressed all the time, I can’t find any joy or any silver lining. My life is a disaster, I want to end it because the pain is unbearable. Please help me!!

    #379504

    Hi Javier,

    I just wanted to let you know you are not a failure. Don’t “should” yourself. I am 30 living with my mom on disability for bipolar. There are a lot of reasons why I should feel like a failure. In this time, I’ve decided to do good the best that I can and follow my passions.

    It’s okay if you’re not at the place you want to be. Life is unfair. Repeat after me “It is not my fault.” It is not your fault you are struggling in life. So many do. The important thing is not to compare yourself to others.

    You have a purpose. You just have to follow your inner voice, not your inner critic. I see that your inner critic is LOUD and dictating all your thoughts. A professional therapist might be able to help you deconstruct your thinking and positively reform the situation.

    Here are some ways to positively reform this:

    1. I am not a failure just because I think I failed

    2. I am a survivor

    3. I am enough as I am. Labels do not define me.

    4. I am at peace with what I have and where I’m at.

    5. I will choose to do good with the time I have on earth no matter what that looks like (big or small)

    6. I accept myself no matter what.

    7. I have taken a great step in asking for help because I know that I am worth helping (today in forum) but will continue to find  help such as therapy or support groups or letting others know how I am feeling.

    8. I have a life to live and things to still look forward to even if I don’t know what they are yet.

    If you are have suicidal feelings, please call this hotline: 800-273-8255

    I believe in you. You can do this. You can turn your life around. It’s not too late. You are going to be okay.

    As for the having kids in your twenties thing, don’t idealize that. You can still help kids by volunteering or having them (adopting as an option later too) if you want. There are many ways to help youth. Don’t fret about not having one by now.

    I will be sending you love and light.

    Sarah

    #379512
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Javier:

    “I have never been able to keep relationships, and never have been able to show love and care to my siblings and relatives”- probably because you’ve been afraid for too long, ever since you were a toddler. Living with so much fear makes it very difficult, or impossible to “show love and care”. Fear shrinks, love expands- when you live in fear, it is difficult to love.

    “I’ve managed to maintain one relationship, and that’s with my two nieces. I love both of them as if they were my own kids. They are the only thing that keeps me going in these tough times”- be an example to your nieces, show them how to survive and get stronger in tough times.

    “Now, as I’m in my 40s, unemployed, with no bright future, childless, and a life full of regrets and remorse, I’m asking for some guidance”- I bold faced what you do have, a life. It’s not the life you want, but it’s life nonetheless, which means that you can make it better. Try to view your life not from the top looking down at what you don’t have, but from the bottom, looking up at what you can have.

    You had a plan and a dream to have children in your 20s. This dream did not come true and you can not make it true. Let it go then. Have a different dream, make another plan- nothing big, at this point: strengthen your body just a bit today, help your mother with a small task today, smile at your nieces. Make your day meaningful in small ways, then go to  bed at the end of the day and congratulate yourself for the progress you made today.

    Daily progress will make a big difference in your experience of life. Focus on the progress you make and on what you have, not on what you don’t have. Post again anytime.

    anita

    #379524
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    I am sorry you’re going through a lot of pain right now. You say you contracted covid last year and that your health has been deteriorating since. Does it mean you have long covid, with long-term health issues that won’t go away?

    You talk about your mother’s difficult life and that you feel you’re the cause of her suffering (“I have always felt responsible for ruining my mother´s life“). The child always feels responsible for their parents’ unhappiness, even if he/she has nothing to do to with it. Your mother “was the victim of physical and mental abuse by my “father”, harassed, endured death threats, and then was left alone as my father left her for his mistress.” – this is what caused your mother’s pain and suffering, not you.

    But the child believes it’s their fault, because it gives them a sense of hope – if they would only change, their mother would be happy. But you as a child couldn’t really do anything to stop your father from abusing your mother and sending her death threats. You couldn’t have prevented your mother’s suffering. It’s not your fault that her abuse happened.

    Therefore, it breaks my heart to admit that I’ve never been there emotionally for my mother. I have taken her for granted my whole life. I’ve never asked her how she felt, never shown any concerns or any caring.

    Children often take their parents for granted, they aren’t mature enough to have compassion, because they worry about their own needs being met. That’s perfectly normal. A child cannot give emotional support to the parent, because they aren’t equipped for that. In fact, if they try to do that – to be their parent’s emotional caretaker – they end up suffering because they can never provide adequate help and can never make the parent happy. The parent still suffers and the child feels like a failure because they didn’t manage to make the parent happy. It’s a futile attempt, so please don’t blame yourself for that either.

    But now you’re an adult, you can show compassion for your mother, you can tell her how sorry you are for everything she’s been through, and how grateful you’re for taking care of you and your siblings so selflessly. It’s not late for that, you can express love and gratitude to your mother now… Do you think it would be possible? How would it make you feel?

     

    #379542
    Javier
    Participant

    Thank you Sarah!

    Your kind words and guidance gives me hope. I have started journaling, and it eases my mind while doing so.

    I’ve been in and out of counseling for 4 years now. I realized that counseling made me unhappy and actually made matters worse. As I was directed to ‘get in touch’ with my most negative feelings and analyze the pasts in order to transcend the present situations. It just made me realize that I was a real mess and it just fueled an already depressed state. To relive my fears and regrets, inflicted more pain. My therapists insisted that unless I dealt “head-on” with the negative experiences and unconscious drives, I would be miserable forever. In addition, most of the time, my therapists would “inappropriately” prescribe me psychiatric drugs like Imipramine and Prozac. I have struggled with heavy drug addiction in my teens. MDMA and cocaine were used on a daily basis. And yes, the therapists all knew, still, they felt it was safe for me to use prescription drugs.

    I can try to calm and soothe my mind when I’m awake. By journaling, even for a short time, I can get some relief. But the nightmares and the anxiety attacks, the feeling of getting choked, the shivering, the sleep paralyzes, the feeling of dying every morning, have increased my Somniphobia.

    Maybe what they’re saying is true – “Sometimes, you have to get knocked down lower than you have ever been to stand back up taller than you ever were!”

    #379543
    Javier
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    You are right. My fears are deeply ingrained. The fear of being alone, the fear of dying alone, the fear of being forgotten, the fear of being unhappy, the fear of losing all love ones, the fear of getting old, the fear of getting weak, the fear of lost time and lost memories, the fear of being stuck in the past… So many fears and so much pain to endure. I know I need to change my thinking and approach these thinkings in a different way. But I’m helpless and don’t know have to break the negative mindset.

    I’ve started journaling, it helps but I’m too impatient and feel to do more.

    #379544
    shattered pieces
    Participant

    Javier, your post moved me. I read your scream for help, and the honest truth is that I dont have any magic solutions. For now I am just a stranger sitting with you in the hardship.  I know how isolating it must feel when you reach out to friends for help and even us strangers on forums- and the only reply you get back is “see a therapist”, as if that will solve all your problems.  Therapy can help us be more aware of our emotions, provide a non-biased perspective on the negative train of thoughts, and sometimes become a catalysator for change, but sometimes it can also feel that you are just paying someone to listen to your hardship and re-traumatized you.

    Maybe that is what we all also want from a forum, not solutions but kindness- someone to finally see us and validate us in our struggles and our fight. Someone that says, hey Javier what you are goin through is really hard and I am sorry for your pain. If I was put on your path I would have struggled too. I have no clue when things will get better Javier, when it will get easier. But I am also thinking that maybe you living with your mom is also providing her company and support- that maybe she would have been terribly isolated-lonely during covid. Maybe the two of you give eachother a reason to fight every day.

    Yes maybe your life would have looked differently if you had a child with your partner in your 20ies, but who says it would have been better. Maybe despite of your best ability, you would have been stuck in an unhappy marriage, job less and you wouldnt be able to provide for your family. There are so many turns and twists in life. And people are not always honest. For example, one of my friends (45y old) has called me weekly crying because she is in a bad marriage-where her partner is controlling everything-from not allowing her money to travel to see her parents, to her food intake where she is allowed food only 1x per day.  Yet all she posts on social media and tells her family is a picture of a happy marriage to a well earning husband. I am not sure where I am going with this or if it makes you feel better at all. Maybe I am just trying to tell you that everyting is not what it looks like-for those people that you see around you and compare yourself with. A child and marriage doesnt guarantee a happy life despite your best efforts.

    You told me that you are a runner. Awesome, me too. Then as a fellow runner, I can tell you that if someone told me to run a marathon few years ago, I would have turned around and left the room. The thought of the distance, the pain, the exhaustion from training, the rainy cold mornings in wet shoes, the time investment…for god sake just a big NO. But one day I did it, one foot in front of the other. In the beggining it was just to walk a 5k, then figure out if I can maybe dare to run it. Then one day, much later I did a full marathon. It was hard, some parts of the distance  I had to tell my mind to just get myself to the next lamp post, only to the next and then I am allowed to quit…well I didnt quit. And maybe this is how life is, one foot in front of the other, just to the next lamp post…maybe you can do something small today – like sign up to be an uber driver or whatever, ask to work in a local shop, with no expectations that they will hire you, but just try this one step…

    Sending you love

    #379545
    Javier
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    I’ve struggled with burning lungs, exhaustion, fever, tiredness and fatigue, palpitations, brain fog muscle pain, and chest pain. As I have a history of drug addiction, I can’t take any medication, making the pain worse. At the moment, everything feels like chronic pain.

    For the last 5 years, I managed to reconnect with my mother and our relationship has been good and is slowly getting better. I failed her and neglected her for almost a decade. After my mental breakdown due to the abortion, I got a job as a lead engineer on a cruise ship. I traveled around the world, visited more than 100 countries, met loads of new people, learned and experienced tons of new cultures and traditions. For more than 10 years, I was “escaping” and “running” from my negative thoughts and tried to put a lid on my depression. The more I worked, the lesser time for negative thoughts. I felt important, I felt useful and I felt “loved”. At the same time, for the 10 years, I missed birthdays(attended only 2 birthdays), Christmas dinners, New Years’, engagements and weddings, childbirths, and family gatherings. During my off-times, usually 2-3 weeks a year, I used to stay at home, all by myself, and maybe visit my mother and siblings once or twice. It’s pathetic and embarrassing to admit, but I just met my mother a dozen times in a span of 10 YEARS(!). Valuable time that will never come again.

    Due to my egoism and self-interests, I caused my mother so much pain. I was super ungrateful and didn’t care about anyone else. Looking back, I would swop the jet-set life in a heartbeat. I have learned the hard way and hurt the people that love and care about me most. I want to cry, but I’m empty of tears. I want to scream my lungs out to alleviate all of my hurt and pain, but I have no voice left. I want to get healed, but I don’t have any power left.

     

    #379546
    Javier
    Participant

    Thank you Shattered Pieces!

    Sometimes we just need a pat on the back.

    Is stopped going to therapy, because I realized that negative feelings are caused by negative thinking. During my sessions, we used to overanalyze the negative parts and spend a great deal of time rehearsing potential problems, dwelling on what was wrong, and thinking and talking about problems. It was not like I was looking for a quick fix or a magic trick or pill, but I know all about my negative thoughts, and I felt like rehashing those during every session kept me stuck in the past. As a result, I read a lot of books, personal growth and spiritual books. I listen to podcasts and start my days listening to motivational speeches(Les Brown and TD Jakes). Lately, I’ve been listening to motivational speeches to influence my subconscious mind while sleeping. Not sure if it helps, but I manage to get 1-2 hours of sleep.

    At the moment, I’m only able to walk short distances. It is depressing because, before Covid, I was planning to run my 5 marathons. Now, even 1 mile of walking is out of reach.

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 2 weeks ago by Javier.
    #379548
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    I am glad your relationship with your mother improved somewhat in the last years. What you’re expressing now is the voice of your inner critic, listing everything you did wrong and how your messed up your life, as well as the relationships with your loved ones. This inner critic is telling you that “I have failed as a son, brother, grandson, nephew, cousin, and friend“. It’s berating you for using drugs as a teen, and then for using work as an escape and neglecting your family for an entire 10 years.

    What this inner critic isn’t saying and isn’t even interested in is WHY you used drugs as a teen, why you struggled with depression, why you needed to escape by sailing off to for-away countries. It’s because of the pain you encountered as a child, living with a father who abused your mother and threatened to kill her. It’s because of growing up in such horrendous, frightening circumstances.

    You say that you mentally broke down in your 20s after your then-girlfriend had an abortion (I was devastated, heartbroken, and had a mental breakdown. For almost a year I was numb and dead inside.) But I think it was just the final nail in the coffin of your misery and pain, caused  by your traumatic childhood. You say it has always been your dream to have children, preferably in your early 20s, to see them grow up and have their own children, to be in their life for a long time, to see your grandchildren grow.

    I believe it was a dream of a better life, a different life than the one you had as a child. You romanticized it, you put all your hopes in it. But when it was so rudely shattered, all your dreams shattered with it too and you went numb and depressed. What you saw as your ticket to a better, happier life wasn’t going to happen. And it broke you. But as I said, it wasn’t the only reason you broke down, it was just the last straw.

    The inner critic is judging you and condemning you harshly. But what you’d need to understand is that everything that you’re condemning yourself for is a reaction to your pain. It’s a reaction to the pain of that little boy who had to endure a childhood with such a father, in such horrible circumstances. Your addiction, your depression, your escapism – it’s all a reaction to your pain.

    You’d need to acknowledge there’s a wounded inner child in you – this boy is still living in you – and he needs your compassion, not judgment. He needs your understanding, not scolding. He’s been hurt and doesn’t need another punch in the stomach, another cut into his wound – rather, he needs you to see him and have compassion for him. You need to protect him from that inner critic who wants to keep slamming him.

    How does this sound to you? Can you find compassion for that little boy who suffered so much while growing up?

     

    #379550
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    I’ve struggled with burning lungs, exhaustion, fever, tiredness and fatigue, palpitations, brain fog muscle pain, and chest pain. As I have a history of drug addiction, I can’t take any medication, making the pain worse. At the moment, everything feels like chronic pain.

    It does seem like long covid unfortunately 🙁 I don’t know much about it but googled it now, and it seems doctors have been experimenting with breathwork as a potential treatment, since long covid seems to affect the autonomous nervous system. The results are promising.

    A few minutes ago I posted two links where you can read about it, but the post is awaiting moderation. Until then, you can google these words: putrino breathing long covid, and it will give you an article from The Atlantic and other sources where breathwork is mentioned as potential treatment.

    #379551
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Javier:

    I want to re-arrange what you shared in your five posts into a timeline and then offer my understanding and suggestions.

    Toddler: “The biggest fear, that has followed me since I was a toddler, is the fear of losing my mother”.

    Teens: “I have struggled with heavy drug addiction in my teens. MDMA and cocaine were used on a daily basis”.

    (?) “I’ve always been in very good shape physically. I used to run 15- 20 miles weekly, combined with 2-3 sessions of strength training in the gym. I’ve been eating ‘clean’ and healthy for decades”

    26-27: “waking up .. to anxiety attacks, gasping for air, and in full panic mode..  15-16 years ago… my then-girlfriend.. opted for an abortion. I.. had a mental breakdown. For almost a year I was numb and dead inside”.

    27-37+: “After my mental breakdown due to the abortion, I got a job as a lead engineer on a cruise ship. I traveled around the world.. met loads of new people… For more than 10 years.. I felt important, I felt useful and I felt ‘loved'”.

    38-42: “I’ve been in and out of counseling for 4 years now.. counseling made me unhappy and actually made matters worse.. My therapists insisted that .. I deal ‘head on’ with the negative experiences.. ‘inappropriately’ prescribe me psychiatric drugs like Imipramine and Prozac”.

    41- 42 (2020-May 2021): “I lost my job due to downsizing, diagnosed with Covid, health has deteriorated immensely.. lost my apartment and my car.. living with my mother for the last 4 months… I have panic attacks, I’m depressed all the time.. Lately, a lot  of ‘hidden’ fears, that I’ve been struggling with are coming back.. I am afraid of sleeping, I’m struggling with anxiety attacks… the feeling of getting choked, the shivering, the sleep paralysis… The fear of being alone, the fear of dying alone, the fear of being forgotten.. So many fears and so much pain to endure… burning lungs, exhaustion, fever, tiredness and fatigue, palpitations, brain fog, muscle pain, and chest pain… everything feels like chronic pain.. I’m only able to walk short distances”.

    My understanding with more quotes: you mentioned feeling loved (“I felt ‘loved'”) one time only, and that was when lived away from home/ away from your mother for over 10 years, traveling the world. You felt loved, important and useful when away.

    At home, living with your mother, you’ve been afraid and miserable a whole lot of the time, ever since you were a toddler.

    “She has suffered a lot.. She was the victim of physical and mental abuse by my ‘father’, harassed, endure death threats”- you were there when all that happened: you suffered a lot, you were the victim of abuse, you were harassed and threatened (when a child witnesses his mother being threatened, the  child is threatened).

    “I have always felt responsible for ruining my mother’s life. She deserves to be happy, and live her life to the fullest”- You deserve to be happy. You deserve to live your life to the fullest. You are not responsible for ruining your mother’s life.

    “She always put her kids first“- being put first translated to the toddler and kid that you were living in fear and misery.

    “I’ve never been there emotionally for my mother”- or, was the other way around? A child whose mother has been there for him emotionally is not likely to suffer from such great anxiety for so long.

    “I’ve never asked her how she felt, never shown any concerns or any caring.. I failed her and neglected her”- or it was the other way around?

    “It’s pathetic and embarrassing to admit, but I just met my mother a dozen times in a span of 10 YEARS (!), valuable time that will never come again”-

    – but those ten years of meeting your mother only a dozen times were very valuable: “I felt important, I felt useful and I felt ‘loved'”, you wrote earlier about those years. I hope that this valuable time will come again for you.

    In summary: seems to me that you were at your best living away from home, away from your mother, and at your worst living at  home, with your mother. Your empathy is all invested in her as a tragic, suffering figure. It is as if, in your mind, you are the parent and she is the child whom you failed and hurt. But in reality, it’s the other way around.

    Your mother was a child long ago, but that was way before you were born. You never met the child that she was. She may be the tragic figure you presented, a victim of your father, but it does not make you the villain. It so happens that you were a victim to, growing up.

    My suggestions today: (1) redirect your empathy from your mother to you. As tragic as her life is, she failed you, not the other way around. Without the guilt that is burdening you, your anxiety will lessen and your health will improve, (2) your brain is in the neurological- chemical habit of fear. It is possible to train the brain and form a different habit, one of lesser fear and more calm. It is a very gradual, very long process, but if you persist and persevere, you will see significant improvement in a few months. The training can be done in the context of mindfulness exercises and practices, including but not limited to a daily and nightly doses of guided meditations.

    anita

    #379567
    Javier
    Participant

    TeaK,

    My therapists said the same, they said the depression stems from my childhood. And, since I never, addressed the situation, things kept piling up. Unfortunately, I’ve learned to think in a negative pattern, and everything looks “grey” in my world. Maybe that’s why I love rainy days because I’m a “melancholic” person. The scariest thing is that my inner child is still stuck in the past. I’m tired of living and dwell on the past. I want AND need to take responsibility for my life, but I don’t know-how. I’m tired of comparing myself with other people, with their life, their family life, and how happy they seem. I’m scared that my inner child will never heal and I will be in the same situation forever. I tell myself every day that everybody has their own battles, and the grass is not always greener on the other side. But, as soon as I close my eyes and doze off for 1-2hours(if I’m lucky) then I’m back to square one. I dread sleeping because the nightmares are always about lost opportunities, and regretful events and incidents.

    #379568
    Javier
    Participant

    Thank you Anita,

    That sums up my life!  The scariest part is that I don1t remember so much of my teens and early 20s. It’s like they just vanished or just never happened. Every time I get reminded of those times, I get this urge to go back and relive my teens and 20s. The more I journal the more “issues” I discover.

    You are most probably right. My mother still lives in the apartment I grew up in. Hence, so many memories and flashbacks. At the moment, I’m unfortunately stuck here. I have to work on shifting my perspective toward self-acceptance, with all my flaws and bad habits. It’s a daily struggle, and I hope I have the strength to start and the strength to keep fighting.

    #379570
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    regarding your health issues, have the symptoms you’ve mentioned (burning lungs, exhaustion, fever, tiredness and fatigue, palpitations, brain fog muscle pain, and chest pain) subsided over the past year, or they’re still bothering you? You say now it feels like chronic pain, and you can only walk for short distances. This can be due to long covid. Apparently simple breathing exercises have helped people with the same symptoms you listed, so you might want to take a look.

    The scariest thing is that my inner child is still stuck in the past. I’m tired of living and dwell on the past. … I’m scared that my inner child will never heal.

    The inner child can only heal if there’s a loving, compassionate adult to see it, comfort it, give it love and caring attention that you haven’t received as a child. You were living in a mortal fear of your father harming and perhaps even killing your mother. Probably that’s where your fear of losing your mother stems from. You weren’t comforted, and your mother didn’t or couldn’t leave the situation and take you and the kids away from your father’s threats. You had to live in such an environment for many years. Do you remember when you father stopped threatening her? How did the situation resolve?

    I believe your inner child would need soothing and comforting above all other things, because fear seems to be your biggest issue. And now, after covid, you’re even more afraid what will happen with you, since your health has deteriorated. This new situation in which you’ve found yourself only exacerbates you old fears and your old sense of helplessness and hopelessness.

    You’d need to soothe your inner child, but it might be difficult right now, feeling rather helpless about your health. Right now, you might be completely identified with your inner child, reliving your old fears. If so – if you cannot find a positive, compassionate, protector figure within yourself – you’d need to find such a figure outside of yourself. It can be a therapist, but since you didn’t have a good experience with therapy, you might look for a health coach or someone to help you with your immediate health problems, and in that way, indirectly, soothe your inner child as well. Or if you’re religious, God can fill the role of a loving, compassionate parental figure, who’ll soothe your pain and give you hope.

    Do you have an idea how you could soothe your inner child? Does anyone come to mind?

     

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 2 weeks ago by TeaK.
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