May 10, 2021 at 6:02 am #379576
“My therapists said .. the depression stems from my childhood. And, since I never addressed the situation, things kept piling up. Unfortunately, I’ve learned to think in a negative pattern, and everything looks ‘grey’ in my world”.
Your negative thinking and feelings (anxiety and depression) originated in your troubling childhood. During your adulthood “things kept piling up”: more troubling experiences took place, from your girlfriend’s abortion in your 20s to getting sick with Covid, losing your job, apartment and car in your beginning 40s.
Now, you are back living with your mother in the same apartment where you grew up, and “so many memories and flashbacks” come up for you, and understandably, your anxiety and depression are elevated.
You wrote earlier that therapy did not work for you because “we used to overanalyzed the negative parts… dwelling on what was wrong”- you need to analyze the past some, not to overanalyze, and you need to acknowledge what was wrong in the past, not to dwell in it.
Not having analyzed and acknowledged what was wrong in your childhood, you ended up dwelling in it figuratively and literally.
anitaMay 10, 2021 at 6:30 am #379577
I’m still struggling with my health. The only thing that has diminished, is the laryngospasm. Muscle pains are experienced on daily basis, but I personally prefer physical pain to psychological pain. I have slowly started some yoga, and trying to learn some breathing exercises.
To be honest, I really don’t have any friends or any acquaintances I feel comfortable opening up to. Maybe, that’s why I use the forum. I have been religious, but I love hearing sermons by TD Jakes and Myles Munroe. Somehow I feel included and it feels like they talk directly to me.May 10, 2021 at 8:35 am #379610
good that you’re doing yoga and breathing exercises – that apparently helps with long covid. I hope your health improves soon enough…
You say you like listening to motivational speeches and sermons. That’s good, it shows you found 2 father figures who inspire you to be your best, to go after you dreams. It’s probably one of the things you missed while growing up – a positive, supportive father figure, someone you could trust and who can be your role model.
Some motivational speakers stress courage and determination, sending the message “be a man, not a wimp”. I don’t know if these two speakers are like that (perhaps not because they don’t address only male audiences?) But anyway, it would be important to listen to someone who shows compassion as well, who has a soothing, comforting quality to them. Who isn’t judgmental about your weaknesses or your fears. How are those 2 speakers in that regard – do you feel compassion from them?May 10, 2021 at 10:59 am #379626Sarah Jeanne BrowneModerator
Start small. Day by day doing things that lift you up. They don’t have to be changing the world or even changing your situation right away. What kindness can you give? How can you give yourself compassionate attention?
I’m going to recommend two books that helped me: Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed and Try Softer by Aundi Kolber.
If you get anything out of this forum, know that you are not alone in your struggles. It’s human to struggle. You have a lot to look forward to. You don’t know what’s right around the corner.
I encourage you to keep expressing yourself and finding solace in others such as through this forum.
Live for the simple things. You don’t have to fix all your problems right away. Just let yourself off the hook for being human. Let yourself live.
You’ll see you’ve had what you needed this whole time.May 10, 2021 at 11:00 am #379549
I’ve struggled with burning lungs, exhaustion, fever, tiredness and fatigue, palpitations, brain fog muscle pain, and chest pain. As I have a history of drug addiction, I can’t take any medication, making the pain worse. At the moment, everything feels like chronic pain.
It does sound like long covid 🙁 I don’t know much about it, but there was an article in the Atlantic that it can be treated by breathwork, because it appears that long covid affects the autonomous nervous system. Perhaps you can check it out:May 10, 2021 at 11:16 am #379632KatieParticipant
Hi Javier, I felt compelled to sign up so that I could respond to your post. Some of the issues you have had during your life I too have recognised in my own life. Have you ever looked into codependency, I have recently realised that I am codependent, some of the things you mention, feeling responsible for other people’s happiness.
It must have been very traumatic as a child watching your father treat your mother in that way, you probably desperately wanted to help your mother but your little self obviously wasn’t able too and this will have certainly had an impact on your life and may well account for some of the struggles you have been experiencing. When we go through traumatic events we often store the emotions internally, this can show up years later as chronic pain, depression, anxiety and until that stored experience is processed this will continue, somatic therapy is very helpful in this area.
I would suggest you look up generational trauma also, there are some really helpful accounts on Instagram on this subject and codependency, if you feel this could relate to you I would highly recommend joining codependent anonymous- it is free online meeting, it has helped me so much.
You need to focus of taking care of yourself(healing) and learning to love yourself, you can’t hold little you responsible for your mother abuse, you were an innocent by stander who has also been greatly impacted .
Sending healing thoughts 😌May 10, 2021 at 10:47 pm #379681
I put both books on my reading list. I’m journaling daily for 2-3hours, and I’m feeling a little bit better. But, I’m starting to get a new fear that is really scaring me. I’m really afraid my mother will be forgotten when she dies. Nobody will remember her, and it will be like she never existed. It frightens me, because, it will be like I never existed. I know it sounds weird, but I have been getting these thoughts regularly now. I know I should focus and spend time with my mother as long as I have her, but these negative thoughts are torturing me.May 10, 2021 at 10:58 pm #379682
Thank you for your input.
Yes, codependency is something I’m really looking at. My therapist said that had some traits of codependency such as difficulty identifying my feelings, difficulty communicating in relationships, valuing the approval of others more than valuing myself, fears of abandonment and lacking trust in myself, low self-esteem, and an obsessive need for approval.May 11, 2021 at 2:07 am #379683
You started this thread expressing disappointment in yourself how bad of a son you are and how little love and attention you gave to your mother over the years. Then Anita remarked that your blaming yourself for your mother’s unhappy life might be misplaced: “redirect your empathy from your mother to you. As tragic as her life is, she failed you, not the other way around.”
You agreed with that, saying: You are most probably right. My mother still lives in the apartment I grew up in. Hence, so many memories and flashbacks. At the moment, I’m unfortunately stuck here. I have to work on shifting my perspective toward self-acceptance, with all my flaws and bad habits.
Here’s my take on what’s going on: A part of you agrees that you shouldn’t be blaming yourself for your mother’s unhappiness, and that you are the one who suffered too. Perhaps this part even resents your mother for not doing enough to leave the situation and protect you, your siblings and herself from your father? This part wants to emotionally separate from your mother and be an independent person, with your own needs and desires.
However, another part of you is terrified of that separation, because it believes you wouldn’t survive without your mother. You as a child were completely dependent on your mother, had no one else to count on for your survival (your father being a bully, you grandparents having passed away before you were born). So in the eyes of that little child, if you “separate” from your mother, it means death for you.
I’m really afraid my mother will be forgotten when she dies. Nobody will remember her, and it will be like she never existed. It frightens me, because, it will be like I never existed.
On one level, you’re afraid she’d die, because you – being dependent on her for your survival – would be endangered too. But what I believe is also going on is that one part of you wants to “forget” her, to live your life independently and free from her pain. That’s a part of you that wants to separate from her. It’s an older part of you.
But a younger part of you doesn’t want you to “forget” her because you believe you need her for your survival. This younger part doesn’t allow the older part to emotionally separate from your mother, and that’s why you started having these intrusive thoughts about your mother being “forgotten.” It’s like a battle between your older and your younger self.
Anyway, that’s my take on it. Do you think this might be what’s going on?May 11, 2021 at 6:43 pm #379711
Everything you say makes sense. I’m torn between my “younger” and “older” part. It’s a fight for survival, and I feel like I’m dying. I woke up now, after 1hour of sleep, gasping for air. Experienced rapid heartbeat, rapid breathing, and sweating. I’m in full panic mode, and I’m afraid I’m going to die.
I just realized I will not leave any legacy or leave a mark on this world that will have meant something when I’m long gone. That means, that when I die, I’ll be gone and forgotten.
I haven’t felt so depressed in days. It is really killing me!!May 11, 2021 at 7:11 pm #379712
I am sure that TeaK will reply to you when she becomes aware of your recent post. Until she does, if you would like to express yourself more, please do. I wonder if taking a hot shower or a hot bath may help you calm down before returning to bed, increasing that chances that you fall asleep and stay asleep for longer? Maybe a calming guided meditation will help.
anitaMay 11, 2021 at 7:22 pm #379713
Thank you Anita,
My panic attacks get worse while taking showers. I can’t breathe when I’m in the shower and I get heart palpitations and feel like I’m dying. I’m afraid I’m going crazy! I’m tired but too afraid to sleep. I’m a lost cause and don’t know what to do.May 11, 2021 at 7:33 pm #379714
You are welcome. You wrote that you are afraid that you are going crazy- but you are not going crazy. I know this because I am looking at your recent post: it is organized, it starts with thanking me, followed by five well constructed, clear and perfectly punctuated sentences. you are not going crazy, and you are not a lost cause. Showers don’t work, what about guided meditations: you can download for free one of Mark Williams’ mindfulness meditation series available online (?)
anitaMay 11, 2021 at 7:46 pm #379716
Anita, thank you again for your kindness!
I can’t express how grateful and thankful I am for all your patience, caring, and guidance. Without the support shown by all of you, I would most probably be dead. This forum is keeping me alive!
I’m checking out Mark Williams’ mindfulness meditation series now.May 11, 2021 at 7:58 pm #379717
You are very welcome. I believe that it is possible for you to get better, to calm down, to fall asleep and stay asleep. I am no stranger to anxiety, my therapist at the time had me listen to Mark Williams ‘(an Oxford University professor, considered to be authority on mindfulness)’s series of meditations. A favorite of mine was “The Befriending Meditation”- I hope it works for you as well as it worked for me!