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End off the Road!!

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  • This topic has 232 replies, 11 voices, and was last updated 2 years ago by Anonymous.
Viewing 15 posts - 211 through 225 (of 233 total)
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  • #390747
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    thank you for responding. I am sorry you’re still feeling bad, but glad that you keep keeping on, that you are attending therapy and trying to help yourself. Are you also getting physical therapy for your left arm?

    For now you may feel like you are in survival mode, but with time, I hope you’ll be able to silence those negative thoughts and feelings, and feel just a smidgen of love and appreciation for yourself… and that this will be a breakthrough for you, gray clouds parting and a patch of blue sky appearing…

    I am sorry I can’t help you with concrete suggestions about how to feel better, but I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and rooting for you. I wish you a better and brighter New Year, and a slow but definite progress!

     

    #390750
    Javier
    Participant

    Thank you TeaK,

    Yes, I’m getting physio for my left arm. My nerves are damaged, hopefully, I will be able to get 10-15% functionality.

    TeaK, you have done more than required. I’m ever grateful for all your advice and encouraging words.

    Hopefully, 2022 will bring some joy and happiness. Even though my family has cut me out of their lives, and I’m basically all alone, I’m still alive. I’m just now living day by day.

    #390780
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    I hope you get at least a partial functionality in your left arm. God speed to you!

    I imagine it’s hard being alone, without your family’s support, but what matters the most now is that you find yourself, slowly but surely, putting one foot before the other, living day by day… Things will get better, just keep at it!

    #391945
    Javier
    Participant

    Is it normal to feel intense anger and remorse towards your loved ones? I have for the last 2-3 months developed a strong resentment towards my mother. I don’t know why, but I feel just pure hate. I hate myself for having those feelings. I love my mother and feel it’s unfair and she’s undeserving of this disdain.

    #391948
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Javier:

    Is it normal to feel…“- it’s natural to feel whatever you feel.

    I… feel it’s unfair and she’s undeserving of this disdain” – what you feel is your own, personal business: you don’t have a responsibility to feel this way or that way about anyone or anything. Also, you don’t know what your mother feels or ever felt about you through the years. Maybe she felt disdain for you too, and maybe you didn’t deserve her disdain. But like anyone else, what she feels is her personal business.

    You are responsible for your actions: for what you say and what you do, not for how you feel, just as your mother is responsible for her actions, not for her feelings.

    Lots of people, when they are angry, are not honest about their anger. Instead, they act in passive-aggressive ways, trying to hurt the other person without appearing aggressive. For example, histrionic people exaggerate their misery, making stuff up, going on and on about their pain so to make the person they are angry with feel pain as well, as in saying: see how much you hurt me? See how much I am hurting; you should hurt for what was done to me!!!

    anita

     

    #391956
    Javier
    Participant

    Thank you Anita,

    You are correct, but I’m still devastated by these emotions. Life is short, and I regret every moment I spend hating and dwelling on things from the past. I usually “run” away from these feelings, but now I’m stuck and have nowhere to hide. The emptiness, the sad feelings are here constantly. I hope I can forgive my mother and myself before it’s too late-

    #391957
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    yes, it’s normal to feel anger, and I would say it’s a good sign because till now you’ve been blaming yourself for everything, and saw your mother as a victim of yours. If there is now anger coming up, it might mean you’re realizing that some of the things she did were hurtful, that she wasn’t a perfectly loving mother at all times, and that there are reasons for your anger.

    A child’s anger shows that his/her needs weren’t met. Your needs as a child were most certainly not met (e.g. the need for security as one of the most important ones). As part of your healing, you’ll need to get in touch with those healthy needs, and also process the anger and resentment towards your parents for not meeting those needs – your father for severely abusing you, and your mother for not protecting you from his abuse. So again, I’d say your anger is a good sign, and a necessary part of your healing journey.

    Life is short, and I regret every moment I spend hating and dwelling on things from the past. I usually “run” away from these feelings, but now I’m stuck and have nowhere to hide.

    We can’t heal before we feel and process all our feelings. So it’s good that you are feeling your anger and not suppressing it like before… If you work with it in therapy, it will transform into something more constructive, e.g. power and determination to take some positive action in your life.

     

    #391967
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Javier:

    Javier, January 2022: ” I have for the last 2-3 months developed a strong resentment towards my mother. I don’t know why, but I feel just pure hate“.

    Javier, May 2021: “It was a time when she was happy. From I was 6-7 years old till I was 16 years old, she was in a relationship. My mother loved him, and she was genuinely happy. He was the love of her life” – the love of her life was not Javier, but a stranger, a man with a family of his own. He was the love of her life, not the boy who loved his mother more than anything.

    While your mother had the affair with “the love of her life“, sometimes along the ages of 6 to 16, you were angry at her: “I started to act out, I was showing my ‘bad’ sides and stopped talking to my mother“.

    When that affair ended, your mother was broken: “It broke my mother into ‘thousand’ pieces. It killed her, and I haven’t seen her happy since. I hate myself for that“, you wrote back in May last year. What broke her was that the man in her life was gone. You were still in her life, but you were not enough for her.

    It is every boy’s and every girl’s desire to be enough in the mother’s life, to make mother happy, to see her smile, happy that you are there! Oh, what happiness it is in a child’s heart, to be enough, to make her happy. The child looks to his mother, to see her smile, the mother’s back is to the child, looking for somebody else to make her smile.

    anita

     

    #391970
    Javier
    Participant

    Thank you TeaK, my therapist says the same. I have been walking around carrying wounds from my childhood. Only by loving and healing my inner child, I can begin to love myself and then my family and friends. It’s a very daunting and painful task, but I will slowly, step by step, manage to heal myself.

    #391971
    Javier
    Participant

    Anita,

    It makes sense. I feel and have always felt responsible for my mother’s happiness. I feel responsible for her being alone, sad and unhappy. I always feel that everybody deserve the best and to be happy, especially the person you love most. That’s why I get sad and depressed when I think about her and her life. I know I’m not responsible for her happiness and her life. But, when I see her and think about her life, I just see a vulnerable kid that has been through so much hurt and pain. I wish I could take away the pain and sorrow, I just don’t want her to live her whole life sad, depressed, hurt and unloved. It’s the only reason I’m still alive because I know by me “ending it all” will be the ultimate betrayal and will crush her to thousand pieces. It’s a terrible place to be when you have given up on life but still have to live for others.

    #391980
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Javier:

    Before reading your most recent post, addressed to me, I did not know how much we have in common. I did not read anyone voice this part of my experience more accurately than you did, not in over 6.5 years of communicating here with thousands of members.

    Like you, I too “always felt responsible for my mother’s happiness” (until recently). I too felt “responsible for her being alone, sad and unhappy“. I too got “sad and depressed when I think about her and her life“. Just like you, “when I see her and think about her life, I just see a vulnerable kid that has been through so much hurt and pain“, and I too “wish I could take away the pain and sorrow“. Like you, I too thought about “ending it all“, but didn’t for the same reason as yours: I didn’t want to add to her hurt and pain, to “crush her to thousand pieces“.

    I can’t remember a time when I thought of my mother as a woman, an adult who I can depend on. To me, she was always a vulnerable kid, a hurt child who’s about to cry and wail at any time and threaten (once again) to kill herself because her misery, she said, was too great. She used to describe her misery at great length, for hours at a time, retelling her life story and how unfortunate she was, and how fortunate everyone else was, and how they took advantage of her. Her accounts were heart breaking, and my little heart broke for her, over and over again. I was overwhelmed by her misery. There was no end to her misery and to how much my heart ached for her. I felt so very sorry for her, and I hated all those other fortunate people who hurt her. I would have done anything for her, and I tried, throughout life, whatever I could, I did, but I never succeeded in turning her frown into a smile. I never succeeded in making her pleased that I was in her life.

    About five years ago, or so, I realized that the child that my mother was, that child was gone long before I was born. I never met that child. I met a woman with a mental entity of a child, aka the inner child, but the child herself was gone long before I existed. No matter how good of a “mother” I could have been for my mother (a reversed role), I couldn’t have helped a child who did not exist. One day, while walking through the woods, I chose a tree and buried something under a tree, something that represented the child that my mother was.

    I then reversed the distortedly reversed role and saw my mother-myself in the correct way: she was the mother; I was the child. Not the other way around!

    Oh, how much misery it was for me, to be her “mother”! Unlike how a real child would be, at 3, 4, 5, etc., my mother was much bigger and stronger than me, and she was not at all open to my parenting: she did not listen to me, she did not follow my suggestions, she argued, she threatened, she threw very scary temper tantrums in which she insulted me and blamed me and sometimes hit me. What chances did I (a child/ teenager) have to parent that kind of a “child”???

    Fast forward, throughout my later teens, if not earlier, and throughout my adulthood, I really did not want her in my life because of how miserable it was having her in my life. But I felt too guilty to cut contact with her because I was afraid that she will be miserable without me, that she might even kill herself if I refused to have contact with her. I thought that she couldn’t live without me. Fast forward, what a surprise: I discovered that it was me all along who felt that I couldn’t live without her, and when I did cut contact with her, to my surprise: she did not at all complain, not to me, neither did she chase me for contact.

    I then realized: oh, if I was important to her all these years when I was a child and in her presence every day, she would have been happy to have me in her life. She was miserable all along because I didn’t mean much to her. Every time since, whenever I felt guilty for not having contact with her, I reminded myself: in all those years that I did have contact with her, she wasn’t happy. If I contact her now, nothing will change, she’d still be unhappy.

    Back to you, Javier: I know that our stories are not identical, stories never are, but we can benefit from understanding each other’s stories.

    anita

     

    #393512
    Javier
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your understanding. Somehow, not a good thing, I feel a little bit relieved that there are people carrying the same load like me.

    Some of us, unfortunately, and I’m not comparing, are born with defects. I have felt this “something” missing my whole life. It’s like a huge hole missing in my chest. Sometimes, well almost all the time, I feel like I’m heartless. Due to this “feeling”, I have always been codependent on my mother. I have carried her sorrows, pain and felt(still feel) responsible for her happiness.

    I have tried to run away, escape, hide and distance myself from her, but the further away I go the stronger the pain.

    I still fear the day I will lose her forever(I pray every day that I will go before her). I’m really terrified that I will always feel guilt and responsibility for my mother’s pain and sorrows(even for the sad and painful things she experienced as a child).

    Now, I try to give as much love to everyone, but still, I feel I fall short.

     

     

    #393525
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Javier:

    I have felt this ‘something’ missing my whole life. It’s like a huge hole missing in my chest… Due to this ‘feeling’…  I have carried her sorrows, pain and felt (still feel) responsible for her… even for the sad and painful things she experienced as a child” –

    – when a boy (or a girl) feels this way all the way to his 5th decade of life, it means that his mother did not love him. That something missing is his mother’s love, that huge hole in the chest, is the boy’s huge desire for his mother’s love.

    The boy, so desperate for his mother’s love, goes all the way back to her past, to the time when she was a girl, so to save her from the sad and painful things she experienced as a child, which made her incapable of loving her boy many years later. Save her so that she will finally be able to love him. When she will, the child-thinking goes, that something missing will be found, and that hole in the chest will be filled.

    I have tried to run away, escape, hide and distance myself from her, but the further away I go the stronger the pain” – that huge hole in your chest, is your ongoing desire for her love. You will have peace of mind if and when you fully accept that no love is coming to you from your mother, and you stop wanting it, stop desiring it.

    It so happens that the Second Noble truth in Buddhism, as I understand it, is that desire is the cause of (unnecessary) suffering.

    anita

     

    #393772
    I am buddha
    Participant

    Javier-

    Suffering is common for every living being in this world, period. It could vary in terms of degree and resources available to push out suffering. The main reason of suffering according to me is lack of compassion, empathy and love. Humans are conditioned to delve in past and suffer because of it, the only person who can help you to evolve out of that suffering is your inner buddha, rest all of us are just your co-travelers who can assist you here and there. Control your mind and talk to your inner buddha.

    Tight hugs and unconditional love without any judgement. Hope you get what you are looking for.

    I am buddha but not buddha yet.

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by I am buddha.
    • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by I am buddha.
    #396704
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Javier

    I only joined this tiny buddha today, so I hope it is alright to post to you.

    As an only child I knew it would be up to me to look after my parents in their old age and if I did not want it to be a living hell for all of us including my children then something had to change to break the age old cycle

    I had an uneasy relationship (that is putting it politely) with my mother. Back in 2009 when on retreat I realised  that I could only change my attitude and ideas about my mother but not her and that the buddhist path was going to be the biggest help.

    In 2011 mum had a melanomia on her hand removed and then in  2016 a cancerous lump under her arm removed and several years of follow up treatment. My dad also has dementia. So the last 5 years have mostly been dedicated to their welfare in 2020 a lump on her leg was mis diagnosed and by the time we got the right diagnosis she only had less than 6 weeks to live.

    You may well be asking yourself what this has to do with your situation, possibly not alot, but the one  or two practices that helped me be with my mum as she was dying was foremostly the loving kindness practice May you be filled with loving kindness, may you be held with loving kindness, may you be peaceful & at ease and may you be happy. I also did a lot of Vajrasattva practice in our last week together to purify any residue of negativity between us . Her passing was very peaceful and I am glad that I made the effort to not only study but practice the dharma. I am at peace with myself and my mother.

    I hope that you find things to help you and your mother grow closer.

    Kind regars

    Dharma granny

     

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