May 11, 2021 at 8:30 pm #379719
This is my bedtime. Before I turn off the computer, I want to let you know that I hope that you can fall asleep and stay asleep tonight (assuming it is night time where you are). I know anxiety, I know intense anxiety, and I know it is possible to overcome it. Have a good night, Javier.
anitaMay 11, 2021 at 8:34 pm #379721
Did your fears also disappear? Did you struggle with negative thoughts and feelings? Do they dissipate or is it a daily uphill battle? Do you have inner peace? Do you sometimes second guess the healing?
I apologize for asking all the questions.May 11, 2021 at 8:53 pm #379722
It is not a daily uphill battle for me anymore and I do not second guess healing. I know healing is real. Yet, fears do not disappear and I do not experience a perfect inner peace. Neither do I expect to ever experience no fears and a perfect inner peace. We are all in this together, in this life, Javier. None of us is safe, none of us is going to escape sickness and death. Thing is, we are still alive, and it is okay to be alive today and be okay with it. I will be turning the computer off in a few minutes and go to bed. When I close my eyes, I am going to be okay, and I will be looking forward to tomorrow. I hope you sleep well, and I hope to read from you tomorrow.
anitaMay 11, 2021 at 11:07 pm #379723
I’m going crazy. I’m in overdrive with negative thoughts. I feel powerless and heartbroken with no self-esteem. I feel fear, anxiety, anger, and despair. I really want these feelings to end. It’s unbearable and too much for me to handle. I need help, my mind is killing me, the demons inside me are torturing me every day, every minute, every second. I have too much negativity inside me, too much “poison”. I’m having a complete meltdown.May 12, 2021 at 2:12 am #379726
I woke up now, after 1hour of sleep, gasping for air. Experienced rapid heartbeat, rapid breathing, and sweating. I’m in full panic mode, and I’m afraid I’m going to die.
it seems like a panic attack, and I believe the first thing to do would be to calm down your nervous system. I myself haven’t experienced panic attacks, but some members here have, and they’ve given very good advice on how to calm yourself down when you’re experiencing a panic attack. I don’t know if I can post a link to that thread, because last time I posted a link it took almost a day until the post was approved. But you can find it under the “Relationship Paranoia, Anxiety Overall” thread, page 2 (the thread was started on April 26, 2021).
I just realized I will not leave any legacy or leave a mark on this world that will have meant something when I’m long gone. That means, that when I die, I’ll be gone and forgotten.
I too had such thoughts in the past. I thought my life was in vain and that I was a failure. I felt worthless and unimportant. Like, it doesn’t matter if I live or die, it would be all the same. My life made no difference. After some digging, I’ve discovered it has to do with my lack of self-esteem and self-worth. Subconsciously, I didn’t feel important or special to my parents (and a part of it might have been because they left me at my granny’s when I was 1.5 years old and left me there for almost a year).
So I felt unimportant but wasn’t aware of it. As an adult, I felt like I needed to make some big contribution to the world. It made me fight for some “big causes” that later turned out to be a lie, after which I felt humiliated and like I should forever shut up. My self-worth was at the rock bottom.
I believe that your fear that you won’t have any legacy or leave a mark stems from the same feeling of lack of self-worth. On some level, you don’t feel important to your parents, specially to your mother, I guess. This feeling might have formed very early in your childhood. Do you have an idea what might have caused it? One reason could be e.g. that your mother stayed for so long with your father and didn’t protect you from his abuse. Or it can be something less obvious.
You did feel important while you were a lead engineer at a cruse ship, you said you even felt loved then. But if there’s a deeper sense of lack of self-worth, then even external recognition and praise cannot convince us that we’re really worthy. A part of us never really believes it, and we constantly seek validation and eventually experience rejection.
Try to look at your current situation as a wake-up call to start living in accordance with your authentic self. It’s rough at the moment, with lots of turbulence, but try to think of it a re-shuffling phase, after which you’ll be a better, more authentic, more self-confident person. You need to get through the storm to emerge renewed on the other side.
May 12, 2021 at 11:23 am #379739
- This reply was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by TeaK.
Thank You TeaK,
You have really good inputs, and every time I read your posts I get enlightened. I also get aware of how much I struggle and how rocky and daunting my road to recovery is. I’m trying to break my negative thoughts by journaling and positive self-talk. But, it doesn’t help because I’m clueless and I’m very weak, both mentally and physically. At the moment, I’m contemplating taking psychoactive drugs. Maybe the drugs will numb my pain and maybe the best scenario will trigger apathy.
Due to the lack of sleep, I’m struggling with intense migraine and half my hair has fallen out. My mother is very concern, due to my health deteriorating and lack of appetite. This morning, I tried to go for a short walk outside, but I didn’t even manage to take two steps.
I still use most of my time reading and listening to sermons. I’m not religious at all, but if it gives me some mind soothing and pain relief, then I give it a try.May 12, 2021 at 2:14 pm #379749
you’re welcome, I’m glad I can help.
I’m trying to break my negative thoughts by journaling and positive self-talk. But, it doesn’t help because I’m clueless and I’m very weak, both mentally and physically.
Journaling is fine, positive self-talk too, but it’s not enough because your negative thoughts are stronger. You say “I’m in overdrive with negative thoughts. I feel fear, anxiety, anger, and despair. I have too much negativity inside me, too much “poison””. Your physical suffering only adds to your emotional pain and suffering, and it’s a vicious cycle that you can’t seem to break free from.
You’re now considering psychoactive drugs: “Maybe the drugs will numb my pain and maybe the best scenario will trigger apathy.”
You used to take psychoactive drugs in your youth, and it didn’t really make things better, did it? It’s an escape and takes you further away from your authentic self. But people in chronic pain talk about cannabidiol (CBD) – it’s a drug that is not psychoactive, has no negative effects on your brain, and allegedly helps with numerous conditions. If your pain is really unbearable, I think a better route is something like CBD. But study it first – best if you check with a credible medical doctor. Find out whether it’s safe to use for post-covid treatment, what’s the best company to buy from, what’s the optimal dosage etc. In any case, I’d definitely stay clear of psychoactive drugs.
It’s good you’re listening to sermons. If you can take away anything from those sermons, let it be hope and faith that things can change. And that you too can change and lead a happy, fulfilling life.
But in order to heal, I think you’ll need to take a look at your childhood and how it contributed to where you’re now in life. How it contributed to your fears, anxiety, anger and despair – those things that you’re suffering from right now.
You said you didn’t like therapy and that it did you more harm than good: I realized that counseling made me unhappy and actually made matters worse. It just made me realize that I was a real mess and it just fueled an already depressed state. To relive my fears and regrets, inflicted more pain.
Perhaps you didn’t have a good therapist? It appears you got re-traumatized by reminiscing about your past, instead of getting stabilized and started towards recovery.
I asked you two specific questions about your childhood. One was how long your father stayed with you and kept harassing your mother, and another was if you could think of the way your mother (or your father) made you feel unimportant and unworthy. You didn’t respond to either of those questions. I believe you’d need to address some of the key elements of your childhood, so you can process and heal it.
May 12, 2021 at 10:16 pm #379761
- This reply was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by TeaK.
My father left us when I was 5 years old. I have only bad memories, as he was a firm believer in discipline. My siblings and I were physically punished by our “father” every time we were guilty of some wrongdoing. I still remember I used to wet myself when I knew I was in for a beating. My mother was loving and caring, and tried to intervene most of the time, or probably all the time, but was abused too. I still remember one incident, where we had to “hide” at one of the neighbors because my “father” was out of control. I get “choked” and get “stuck” in the past every time I go down these “memory lanes”. I don’t know why, but every time I get “flashbacks” or think about my past or think about “past” time, I get depressed. I feel like my life just passed before my eyes, so quickly, without me being able enjoying the good times. That’s maybe why I yearn to go back in time. To be “young” and change my past and live the missed moments. I feel I never achieved anything. I’m so jealous and envy younger people. I really need to break this nostalgia, I don’t want to live in the past or the future, but I want to live in the PRESENT.
As for my mother, she always put her kids first. My mother never neglected us, we took her for granted and did her wrong.
It was a time when she was happy. From I was 6-7 years old till I was 16 years old, she was in a relationship. My mother loved him, and she was genuinely happy. He was the love of her life. He was good to us. Never mistreated us, never any wrongdoing. Except, he was married and had kids. My mother was “the other” woman and labeled as “homewrecker”. As time went by, and I got in my teens. I realized he will never leave his wife and kids. So, I started to act out, I was showing my “bad” sides and stopped talking to my mother. Eventually, after some time, she had to choose, and she ended the relationship. It broke my mother into “thousand” pieces. It killed her, and I haven’t seen her happy since. I hate myself for that, my mother deserved to be happy. I wish I could go back in time and fix everything. I took away my mother’s happiness and “killed” her. I can see the pain in her eyes, I hate myself so much for ruining her life.May 12, 2021 at 11:38 pm #379763
I have so many regrets, so many remorses. Hurt so many people, neglected, and taken things for granted. I have poison in my mind, in my veins, in my breath. It’s unbearable. Every breath is painful, every heartbeat hurts. All my regrets are all-consuming and destroying my life. Deep inside, I know there are no solutions for feelings of pain, loss, disappointment, and sorrow. They are part of life, and I have to “live” with them. I wish I was nicer and more caring towards people. I wish I never mistreated my loved ones, I wish I could take away all their pain and hurting. I wish I was a better person, a person who could put a smile on their faces. I wish life would give me a second chance.May 13, 2021 at 1:44 am #379765
thanks for sharing some more about your childhood. So the first five years of your life you spent growing up with a father who was violent and a bully, who used to severely punish you and your siblings for even the slightest transgression. You were so afraid of him that you would wet yourself anticipating his beating. In addition, he was beating your mother too and was threatening to kill her (She was the victim of physical and mental abuse by my “father”, harassed, endured death threats, and then was left alone as my father left her for his mistress.)
During that time, your mother tried to protect you, but she was weaker and would got beaten up too, I guess. She, you and your siblings were victims of domestic violence. Did your mother ever asked for help from social services? It appears she was enduring your father’s abuse, and might have endured his abuse even further, had he not left for another woman.
So when you say:
She always put her kids first. My mother never neglected us, we took her for granted and did her wrong.
it’s not completely true, because she didn’t leave your father. She allowed the severe abuse to last for 5 years. Perhaps she had no other choice, nowhere to go (her parents had deceased by that time), your father was maybe threatening to kill her if she turned to anyone for help…
But the fact is that you as a little child were exposed to domestic violence, in which both you and your mother and your siblings were victims. The difference being that you couldn’t do anything about it, but your mother could have, at least in theory, since she was the adult. You felt completely helpless and terrified because there was no one to protect you.
Your mother allowed severe punishments, or she couldn’t prevent them from happening, and the result is that you have severe trauma starting from very early in life. Apart from fearing for your life, you feared probably even more for your mother’s life, because your survival depended on her. She didn’t ensure you the conditions for healthy growth, but allowed (due to her own difficult background and personal weaknesses I don’t want to speculate about) that you and your siblings grow up in an abusive home.
Children from such homes often grow up to be drug addicts and act out in various ways. You were no exception. But it wasn’t your fault – it was the consequence of being raised in an abusive, violent home, suffering and witnessing abuse on a daily basis, and fearing for your own life as well as the life of your mother.
The first 5 years of your life determined your later trajectory. Everything that happened later is a consequence of those 5 years.
One year after your father left, your mother found a man who loved her enough not to beat her, but not enough to marry her. She settled for a relationship of being a mistress, because she probably didn’t think she deserved better? You say your mother was happy. Well, she might have been happy in the beginning, when this man was promising her to leave his wife. But as the time passed by, I don’t think your mother was truly happy. She was probably hoping he’d leave his wife and children, but he never did it. Maybe he was giving her false hopes and you saw him through, you saw he was lying and manipulating her (I realized he will never leave his wife and kids).
You wanted to protect your mother from pain and disappointment, you told her to leave him but she wouldn’t, so you stopped speaking to her. Perhaps you were influenced by other people telling bad things about her – that she was a homewrecker? Maybe you felt embarrassed because your peers were saying these things? If so – if you wanted to protect yourself from embarrassment – that’s completely understandable, because in our teens we’re very susceptible to what our peers think about us. If your mother was a source of embarrassment for you, it’s no wonder you “rebelled” against her.
You say that your mother broke off the relationship because of you, and that it broke her “into thousand pieces”. That it killed her and you never saw her happy again.
Well, although you may not see it, Javier, your mother hasn’t treated you well, neither did she treat herself well. She first got involved with a bully, your father, who was abusing her and the kids for full 5 years, and it stopped only because he decided to leave for his mistress. Then, she got involved with a married man. She didn’t think how that would affect that man’s marriage and his children. Her need for a relationship and to feel loved by a man was more important to her than the well-being of those children. She put herself first, rather than those children.
In her marriage with your father, she didn’t leave, she didn’t make the abuse stop. She didn’t put you, her children, first. She put the relationship first, although it was a horrible one.
It seems to me that your mother, due to her own weaknesses and perhaps a difficult background and the conditions in which she grew up – had a need for a relationship, for man’s presence, even if that relationship was abusive or unsatisfactory. In her marriage she was physically and mentally abused, in her relationship with the married man she was probably emotionally manipulated, lied to, promised things that would never happen etc. She never had the courage to break it off, although she certainly wasn’t happy in that relationship either. But she didn’t know better, perhaps felt she didn’t deserve better.
What I am trying to say is that your mother in fact put herself first before her children. She didn’t see clearly how her marriage was affecting you, and later, how her illegitimate relationship was affecting her lover’s children. This doesn’t make her a villain, but she’s no saint either. She had personal weaknesses and deficiencies and didn’t know better.
How does this what I’ve just said affect you?May 13, 2021 at 6:43 pm #379860
There is very small chance that I, a stranger on the internet, can help you, just as there is a very small chance that I can help anyone in these forums. As a matter of fact, there is little I can do to help people irl, people in my personal life. It is amazing how little I can do when I want to do so much.
“I can see the pain in her eyes, I hated myself so much for ruining her life”- like you, I loved my mother so very much, more than anything and anyone. I too saw the pain in her eyes, and I felt so much pain, seeing her pain. I too believed that I ruined her life and hated myself for it. Many years later, I finally understood that I did not ruin her life. Other people in her life, when she was a child, ruined her life. Fast forward, she ruined mine. And then, I started healing and making my life better, and it is better.
Like I said, there is nothing really that I can do to help you. 24 hours ago you posted after waking up with a panic attack. I hope that tonight is different for you, I hope that tonight you sleep and stay asleep and wake up tomorrow morning with hope for a better day and a better life. If not, it you wake up panicking again and you are reading this, know that you are not alone in your suffering, you have a lot of company this very night. Be strong, best you can, for your own sake and for the rest of us: post again and share, share about your strength, about how you can and will make it to a better life.
anitaMay 13, 2021 at 10:59 pm #379865
I apologize for not being able to respond earlier. I’ve been struggling with my health. I’m struggling with heart palpitations and still am. You make a lot of sense. While reading your post, I got the “sense” of relief and your reasoning enlightened me. But, seconds later, the negative thoughts and guilt and all the self-hate came back again. I know I’m not responsible for my mother’s mishaps, but I still feel guilty and responsible for ruining her life. I just want to see her happy, and like everybody else, she deserves to be happy. I know it’s all in my head, and I have to dismiss the negative thoughts, but I don’t know how to do it-
If you have some techniques or mental training please let me know. I’ll do anything, I want to enjoy and be happy for every minute, every second, and every moment I have left with her. The time I have with her is very important to me. I can’t change the past, but I can at least make the present more joyful and pleasant.May 13, 2021 at 11:11 pm #379866
Thank You Anita,
I was sad to hear you also struggled. I hope you are in a better place now. It’s a daily struggle, and most of the time everything seems dark, sad, and just painful. But, this forum and the caring and loving people like you, TeaK, Sarah, Shattered Pieces, and Kaite gives me hope. I’m really grateful and thankful for all your kind and caring words. You have all given me hope, a hope that is keeping me alive. I was really at the end of the road and had given up everything. I will keep fighting and I will keep on writing.
Once again, Thank You!!May 14, 2021 at 12:14 am #379867
While reading your post, I got the “sense” of relief and your reasoning enlightened me. But, seconds later, the negative thoughts and guilt and all the self-hate came back again.
I understand your reaction – even if we understand something rationally and it sounds true to us, and we accept it as true, it still doesn’t mean we can suddenly stop our negative thoughts and feelings. That’s because those thoughts and feelings stem from an earlier phase, when we were little children, sometimes even before we could talk. The inner child in us is hurt but it also blames himself for causing pain to his parents.
The first thing you could do is to start having compassion for the little boy that you were many years ago, who endured all that abuse. Start having compassion for yourself as a helpless, innocent child. It was absolutely not your fault that your father was a bully and was terrorizing your mother, and that he later brutally punished you for the slightest mistake. Try to have compassion for that little boy who just wanted to be loved but couldn’t, because he was living in such terror. His mother wanted to love him but she couldn’t protect him from his abusive father. She wasn’t able to protect him. Try to have compassion for that boy who had to endure beating and terror for full 5 years. Do you think you can do it?
I just want to see her happy, and like everybody else, she deserves to be happy.
Everybody deserves to be happy, but we cannot make our parents happy if their unhappiness is caused by their own wounds. I could never make my mother happy, no matter what I’ve tried and how perfect of a child I was. Your mother’s unhappiness isn’t caused by you – it is primarily caused by her. She endured an abusive marriage and probably would have endured it further, had your father not left. She endured a relationship in which she was a mistress for 10 years, in which she certainly wasn’t happy but it was still better for her than to be alone.
She might be blaming you for depriving her of her happiness, but is her, with her own weaknesses and childhood wounds – who deprived herself of true happiness and settled for breadcrumbs. She accepted and tolerated men who didn’t really love her or respect her. It has nothing to do with you. It was she who was creating her own unhappiness.
That’s why you can only work on your side of the relationship with your mother, but you cannot make her happy. You can have compassion for her, understand her, help her, however you cannot heal her wounds. Your task is to heal your own wounds, and be able to relate to her from that healthy place, from which you can offer more both to yourself and to her.May 14, 2021 at 11:40 pm #379898
Another day, another battle. My mind is my enemy, it’s trying to kill me. After 1hour of sleep, I woke up hyperventilating and having a sudden fear of dying. It feels like every time I doze off, my brain resets. All journaling, hard work, the breaking off the negative thought cycles are just erased in seconds. It is really daunting and depressing. I don’t know what to do or how to break the repeating pattern. I’m confused, lost, and helpless.