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End off the Road!!

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Viewing 15 posts - 46 through 60 (of 233 total)
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  • #379899
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    it might be related to your fear of dying when you were a small child, living in an abusive home. We hyperventilate when we’re in  shock. I remember hyperventilating after a car accident, which thankfully ended up well, but it was terrifying. When that happens to you, put one hand on your heart and the other on your belly, and try to breathe slowly, telling yourself soothing things like “it’s ok, it will pass”, or even soothing sounds that you would tell to a baby when they are upset, like “sshhh, it’s okay, you’re safe”.

    Try to comfort yourself like a caring parent would comfort a baby. Do you think you can do that?

     

     

    #379900
    Tee
    Participant

    P.S. You can try that exercise (breathing deeply and slowly while having one hand on your heart, the other on your belly) even throughout the day, perhaps while you’re listening to a sermon by you favorite pastor. Maybe that would help to connect the soothing, calming effect with a soothing figure – if you believe you’re not strong enough to give that soothing to yourself.

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Tee.
    #379902
    Javier
    Participant

    Thank You TeaK,

    The one hand on my heart and one on my belly did WONDERS! As soon as I touched my heart, I got this calming feeling. For the first time in ages, I felt at peace. Thank you TeaK, this has given me hope!

    #379904
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    you’re welcome, I am so happy that it helped you and that you can feel hope again!

    #379907
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    it just occurred to me, perhaps you can listen to lullabies too as a way to soothe yourself. There’s a beautiful lullaby by composer Brahms. Both the original version is good, but there’s also a guitar version on youtube (search for Brahms lullaby guitar), which is even more soothing and calm.

    #379909
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Javier:

    I didn’t notice that you posted following my May 13 post until a short time ago. You are welcome and I am glad to read that about 8 hours ago, you touched your heart and “got this calming feeling. For the first time in ages, I felt at peace”.

    It’s a good start, that you felt at peace for the first time in a long time. Question is how to extend that feeling of being at peace so that you can sleep at nights, get stronger, and be at the beginning of your road, and not at the “End off the Road” (the title of your thread). I want to address two topics in my effort to help you with the beginning of your road. You may not be open to examine these two topics, and that’s okay, it is your choice and I respect your right to choose for yourself. The second topic involves looking into your childhood a bit, trying to better understand how your guilt regarding your mother came about. If you don’t want to go there, you are welcome to not read (and not respond to) the second topic.

    First topic, drug addiction and SSRI medications, ex. Prozac:  You wrote on May 9: “my therapist would ‘inappropriately’ prescribe me psychiatric drugs like Imipramine and Prozac. I have struggled with heavy drug addiction in my teens. MDMA and cocaine were used on a daily basis”-

    – Imipramine is an antidepressant that is not an SSRI. Regarding SSRIs, I don’t think that there is any scientific evidence that SSRI drugs are inappropriate for people who were addicted to MDMA, or other street drugs. Taken from the Ashwood Recovery website (outpatient rehab facilities located in Idaho, treating alcohol and drug addiction: “A lot of people recovering from drug or alcohol addiction are under the mistaken belief that antidepressants- also  knows as SSRIs- are a ‘no-no.’ This is unfortunate. Many people who have made the commitment to abstain from drugs and alcohol could greatly benefit from taking SSRIs… Because antidepressants are considered by many to be mood or mind-altering, recovering addicts or alcoholics erroneously believe using these medications would be considered a relapse. To put it bluntly, this is wrong thinking… SSRIs do not get you intoxicated. There is no feel-good buzz, no experience of euphoria, no trippy hallucinations, and no thrilling high. This is why you can’t relapse on antidepressants… Antidepressants do not work on the brain the same way that drugs like marijuana, cocaine, heroin, or methamphetamines do. They just don’t get you high- plain and simple. Furthermore, it can take weeks for antidepressants to begin to work, and when they do, the change is slow and subtle… antidepressants ..are a help, not a hindrance.. They are not narcotic painkillers like Oxycodone, stimulants like Adderall, or tranquilizers like Xanax and they are not addictive”.

    Second topic, Guilt: May 8: “I have always felt responsible for ruining my mother’s life”, May 13: “I still feel guilty and responsible for ruining her life”.

    You shared that from the time you were about 6 to the time you were 16, your mother had an affair with a married man. You and your siblings met him, and I am guessing therefore that he spent time with you, your siblings and  mother in the apartment where you all lived. Maybe a lot of time over the years.

    As you grew up from 6 to 16, you went through puberty, your sex drive developed and was as powerful, I imagine, as it is for all healthy teenage boys. As your own sex drive was getting stronger, you were well aware that your mother (who was in her 30s, I am guessing) was having sex with that married man, a man who was not your father, and who had a wife and children of his own.

    I know that lots (if not all) of pre-teen and teenage boys feel uncomfortable at the thought/ mental image of their mother having sex, even if it is with their father. I think that it is possible that you were angry at your mother in these circumstances. Anger may be behind you not asking your mother how she felt, etc. (“I’ve never asked her how she felt, never shown any concerns or any caring”, May 8), and behind your choice to not visit her during your 10-year career on the cruise ship (“During my off-times, usually 2-3 weeks a year, I used to stay at home, all by myself, and maybe visit my mother and siblings once or twice.. I just met my mother a dozen times in a span of 10 YEARS (!)”

    Anger may be behind the demons, negativity and poison that you mentioned here: “my mind is killing me, the demons inside me are torturing me… I have too much negativity inside me, too much ‘poison'”, May 11.

    Children who feel anger at their mothers also feel guilty, guilty for the anger, because when angry we wish some harm on the person we are angry at. Children tend to think that if they  wish harm on someone, harm may happen to that person in real-life. Maybe you feel that your mother’s health problems, her failures in life.. were all caused by your anger.

    If this is the case, I can see how understanding your anger, resolving it and the guilt attached to it, will be very helpful to you.

    anita

     

    #379957
    Javier
    Participant

    TeaK,

    One step forward, two steps back! I just came back from the hospital, as I’ve got rashes all over my body. I experienced a high fever and my body was on fire. I was rushed to the hospital as my body was covered with vesicular rashes. My body itches all over, and I’m struggling to keep my mind in check. I’m back to square one, all negative thoughts are back, the morning depressions are extreme, I feel lost and “dead” inside. I’m trying the breathing exercises, but they don’t have a soothing effect at the moment.

    #379958
    Javier
    Participant

    Anita,

    I will check both topics. As I’m stuck in my past and struggling to get closure, I’m doing this journaling task where I write down, year by year, all good and all bad things that occured. For each year of my life, I’m making a list of “happenings”. Not sure if it’s a good idea, but maybe it will give me some closure. But at the moment, I’m struggling with bad health, and my brain is on over-drive with negative thoughts and for the last two days, I have been struggling with anticipatory anxiety. Everything scares me.

    #379962
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    so sorry to hear about that! Have they given you some treatment for the rash? Did they say what might have been the cause?

    Whenever I have a physical symptom, I try to think what might be its “spiritual” cause, i.e. psychological cause, like in psychosomatic diseases. A sudden rash on your skin might mean that you can’t bear to be in your own skin, or something like that? Perhaps as you started to soothe yourself with putting your hand on your heart, there’s another layer of pain and discomfort that “got unleashed”, because you can now better “tolerate it”,  so to speak. It might have been something that needed to come out, and this is a form of cleansing.

    I do hope it gets better soon. Keep doing the soothing exercise (hand on heart and belly), if it helps you.

    #379970
    Javier
    Participant

    TeaK,

    According to my doctor, it’s COVID-related. I have only got some anti-itch creams (hydrocortisone creams). I agree with you, I need to heal from inside, and it is most probably my body cleaning itself. Do you have any early morning rituals or meditation techniques that can soothe my mind in the mornings? I’m waking up depressed in the mornings and find it a real struggle to get started with the day.

     

    #379971
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    how’s your sleeping nowadays? Can you fall asleep and stay asleep at night? Because that might contribute to your feeling depressed in the morning. In order to fall asleep better, you can try listening to lullabies (I suggested one in an earlier post), or similar soothing music. With better sleep, you should have more energy and be in a better mood in the morning…

    #379972
    Tee
    Participant

    Another beautiful, soothing song is Ave Maria by Schubert, sung by Celine Dion.

    I know you’re not religious but since you’re listening to sermons, it may help you to imagine Virgin Mary watching over you and comforting you, as Divine Mother. It helped me a great deal when I felt unloved, empty and deprived of nurturing love.

    #379973
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Javier:

    You mentioned the term one step forward, two steps back. Another term I thought of as I read about your recent vesicular rashes and hospital visit is: when it pours, it rains. When your mind/ body suffers distress for too long, more and more symptoms and consequences of distress are piled on. This is how the pouring of the rain feels like, to you, most recently: “got rashes all over my body.. high fever.. body itches all over.. negative thoughts.. morning depressions are extreme.. ‘dead’ inside.. bad health, brain is on over-drive with negative thoughts.. anticipatory anxiety. Everything scares me”.

    The first topic of my post of two days ago, is about significantly slowing down the pouring of the rain as quickly and as responsibly as possible, so that you are able able to think clearly enough and choose thoughtfully enough about what is best for you to do next. I hope the rain slows down for you soon. I wish you well.

    anita

    #379996
    Javier
    Participant

    Thank you TeaK,

    I have the Ave Maria now on my iPod. I’m still struggling with getting sleep at night. At the most, I can sleep 2hours, before I wake up all stressed out and hyperventilating. I have a long list of audiobooks and sermons that I listen to every night. If I don’t have my iPod, I get stressed out and my mind goes in over-drive. I’m addicted to listening to audiobooks and sermons. For the last year or so, they have been my “guiding spirits” and given me some h0pe. I will add more lullabies to my list.

    I’m very grateful and blessed for having all of you in my life. I really appreciate and cherish all your help and inputs.

     

    #379997
    Javier
    Participant

    Thank you Anita,

    As I have limited sleep and a really bad sleep pattern, I can sit for hours and read. I just got my copy of “The Art of Happiness” by Dalai Lama. I reckon books are my best friends. Maybe they’re my way out of pain and depression.

    I wish I could give something back to all of you. Thank you for giving me hope and a lifeline.

Viewing 15 posts - 46 through 60 (of 233 total)

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