Dear Javier:

You are welcome. I hope you enjoy  The Art of Happiness. Here is one of the many quotes that I like from the book: “Happiness comes not with getting what we want but by learning to be content with what we have. Be happy with the things that you already have. Learn to want the things you have”.

anita

Dear Javier,

you’re welcome, and I’m glad you liked Ave Maria and added it to your iPod. It seems listening to sermons and audiobooks was your way to soothe yourself in this past year, since having been hit with illness and unemployment. These new, unwanted life circumstances probably pushed you back to your childhood and activated the old survival trauma,  that you experienced as a child. Covid was a trigger but it could be that the symptoms persist because of that trauma, which is stored in your nervous system.

I’ve found a text about children who witnessed domestic violence. It says “when children witness violence, it heightens their arousal system while causing their soothing systems to be underdeveloped.” You as a baby witnessed violence that your father inflicted upon your mother, and later you were a victim of your father’s abuse yourself.

Your autonomic nervous system is in a constant state of arousal and hyper-vigilance. That’s because its sympathetic branch (the one responsible for action and fight-or-flight responses) works non-stop, in overdrive. While the parasympathetic branch (which is responsible for resting and digesting) is underused and underdeveloped.

In that same article, music is suggested as a soothing activity, so I think listening to soothing music and lullabies should help.  Sermons and audiobooks probably have a similar effect on you – it’s almost like an adult reading a good-night story to a child, with a calm, comforting voice. Do you feel this could be why you like it so much?

So it seems you’ve already being soothing yourself to the best of your ability, and now you just need to expand it and do it more consciously and intentionally. This is your inner child that you’re soothing and helping him develop the parasympathetic branch of the nervous system. I believe it would also help to visualize a safe, calm atmosphere, like being held in mother’s arms (if not your own mother’s arms, then in Divine Mother’s arms). Do you think you would be up for such a visualization?

And lastly, you’re right – comparing yourself with others is a recipe for disaster. We all have a unique life story and a unique task in this world. It’s completely fruitless to compare ourselves with others. Our goal is to focus on ourselves and our own growth and healing, and living more and more from our true self.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Tee.

Dear Javier,

sermons and audiobooks probably serve a double purpose for you – they calm your nervous system down, and they also give you guidance and inspiration. You had neither during your childhood – neither peace and calm, nor a good role model to give you guidance.

At one moment, I feel there is hope and I can heal myself and relieve the pain. But the very next moment, everything looks grim and literally the end of the road.

Right. You might be able to help yourself to a point, by soothing and comforting yourself, but it’s probably not enough. Probably you’d need a therapist, and best would be somatic therapy, which Katie suggested earlier.

You said you had a bad experience with therapy. Could it be because the therapist didn’t help you calm down your nervous system? If if twas CBT, it would have been quite rational, working with the mind, but not on the body level, which you very much need. If you’d work with a somatic therapist, you could avoid this trap.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Tee.

Dear Javier,

it appears the therapist wasn’t really equipped to help you, and didn’t recognize that you need calming of the nervous system, not just talking about the past trauma, which was re-traumatizing for you.

I wake up every morning depressed and “out of my mind”. I can’t take it anymore. Will the pain ever go away? or will it get worse?

When we’re stuck in trauma, we’re stuck in time, in that old painful reality. This is now exacerbated by you experiencing physical symptoms and living in the same home where the abuse happened. You felt hopeless as a child, you feel hopeless now. Only now, as an adult, you can help yourself. I’d suggest seeking a qualified, somatic therapist, who can help you slowly but surely move out of that stuck, traumatized place, into a new reality. A reality with less pain and more options for yourself.

In somatic therapy the therapist works both with your body and your mind to give the old trauma a new ending, to re-write the imprint in your mind that you’re helpless. I’d strongly recommend something like that, if it’s available to you.

Dear Javier,

Do you think my longing and regretting not having kids is due to something else? Is there any other”hidden” deeper reason for this hurting?

it could be that you wanted to have children, so you can give them what you didn’t have as a child. You’ve also dreamed of being a grandfather, maybe because grandfather meant a sense of security for you (an imagined sense of security – since your grandparents weren’t alive any more). Children being watched over by their grandfather – not father – could have been a particularly powerful image for you – an image that emanates happiness and security.  I’ve already mentioned this is one of my earlier posts – don’t know if it resonates with you?

Dear Javier,

thank you for wishing good health to my husband. I hope that vaccine will be efficient and keep at bay potential new variants as well.

I’m sleep walking through life, and I will and want to do every thing to “wake up” and start living.

I’m so glad you have the intention and the desire to start living. You’ve been sleep walking because you’ve been running away from pain, and no wonder, because you had a very traumatic childhood. Please don’t blame yourself. Most of us keep running away till we’re forced to face it – by some crisis, like it happened to you. It’s in human nature. But now is the chance to face it – to face the pain, understand it and heal it — and move forward. That’s the silver lining of each crisis…

I root for you to keep walking on that path. It might be uncomfortable at times, but it’s extremely rewarding to find your true self, to live fully… It seems you’re already making the first steps, Javier, and that’s really beautiful.

Dear Javier:

The good news is that today you had the strength to (1) walk to a “quite steep” hill, (2) climb it all the way to the top, and then (3) “stand there for at least 3 hours” before returning home. Congratulations for accomplishing this physical exercise and endurance!

“I’m afraid I have Bipolar Disorder or severe Borderline Personality Disorder”- if you do get diagnosed with any of these two diagnoses, it can mean something very positive for you: to finally receive a correct diagnosis and the appropriate treatment. I hope you do see a medical doctor as soon as possible!

anita