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Javier

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  • #381216
    Javier
    Participant

    I have managed to recoup a little bit now.

    I know I’m not responsible nor can I “heal” my mother’s pain and depression. But, the compassion and hurting are unbearable.

    I found my mother crying, she was devastated, heartbroken. She was so hurt and sobbed like a kid. It just reminded me about myself, and that her inner child is also broken. It reminded me that she has also been a child once, that has most probably been neglected and hurt. When I saw her, I didn’t see my mother, I saw a hurt child, that was lost and alone, that felt unloved and rejected by everyone and by the whole world. I tried to comfort and console my mother, and she uttered the thing I feared most, the things that have nagged me my whole life. My mother told me that she has felt empty, lonely, and dead inside almost her whole life. She said she missed her parents(both deceased), her siblings(3 of them deceased)immensely and felt completely alone and empty. It just shattered my heart. I’ve felt miserable for a while and struggled with anxiety and depression, and know the feeling. It just shocked my world, to know that she has struggled with this for so many years, not being able to be happy, not being able to talk to anyone, share her pain, get help. My mother apologized for not being able to protect me and my brothers, apologized for not being able to provide for us, giving us time and a good life. Not being be able to help us. She felt guilt and shame and failed as a mother. She has so many regrets, so much pain, so much hurt. It was heart-wrenching, to see the person you love most, be in so much pain and for so long.

    We cried for hours and I’ve never felt so devastated, my heart cries for all the years and pains that my mother has gone through. I know I’m not responsible, but I feel the pain and can’t stop the hurt and sorrow I feel because of my mother.

    I want her to live a good life, with a lot of happiness and love. She is now moving in with my brother, he and his wife will be taking care of her and hopefully, she will be able to enjoy some good time with her grandchildren.

     

    #381165
    Javier
    Participant

    Thank you, Sarah and TeaK,

    I just hit the rock bottom. Today, the light in my heart dimmed forever. I found my mother crying in her room, she had a mental breakdown. I just saw the person I love most in the world, the woman that gave me birth, that stood by me in both good and bad days, crumble in front of me. My heart just died. The hurt and the feeling of sorrow are bone-deep. I am both too mentally and emotionally exhausted at the moment. I can’t focus on myself anymore. I need to get some sleep, need time to process everything. I need to be there for my mother. I will write in detail later. Please pray for my mother, she needs the prayers more than me.

    #381138
    Javier
    Participant

    Thank you Sarah,

    Your prayers, caring, and support help a lot. You are right, I need to focus on myself, I need to “heal” myself, I need to conquer all my fears and get rid of my demons. I’m not responsible for my mother’s pain and sorrows, but I can try to ease it. But first and foremost, I’m working on myself, because I have felt dead inside for a long while, and it’s unbearable. I’m reading, journaling, and training my mind to think positive every day. I’m listening and watching the Secret, in addition, I’m watching sermons of TD Jakes every morning. By this week, I will start doing breathing exercises and mindfullness.

    #381137
    Javier
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    My Serotonin and Dopamine levels were really low, while Norepinephrine and Glutamate were off the chart(really high levels). I will have to take medication but only under supervision. As my Melatonin levels are also very low, I have been subscribed Melatonin dietary suplements, but only in low doses. I must also increase my vitamin B(B9 and B12) and vitamin D intake and additionally increase my omega-3 intake. Electroconvulsive therapy is also an option, but at the moment that’s not considered. My blood test shows that I have Anemia and am at high risk of Diabetes 2. My <span class=”mntl-sc-block-subheading__text”>Creatinine and Blood Urea Nitrogen levels were sub-par, and I have inflammation in my liver.</span>

    In my session with my therapist, we went through my journals and all the letters I had written(I only managed to write letters to my vulnerable inner child and to my mother). As I had several breakdowns and had anxiety attacks, the session was very time and energy-consuming. I was drained, empty, and without any motivation. We had a “coping” session, where all incidents from my childhood were addressed and all thoughts and feelings were noted down and listed. For each negative incident, I had to note down a positive incident. This session was to remind me that not everything from my past was negative and awful and to remind and feed my subconscious mind with positive memories. According to my therapist, the human mind has a limited memory space, hence daily affirmations and focusing more on the positive and good things in life can slowly diminish the negative thoughts.

     

    #381097
    Javier
    Participant

    Dear Sarah,

    Thank you for the journaling prompts. I have included these in my daily morning routines. I have also started to read Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. I’m just afraid that I will never “heal” even with all the help I can get.

     

    #381096
    Javier
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    I have returned home. I feel dead inside. I’m lonely and depressed. I feel useless and full of fears. Nothing makes sense. After my last session, I’m stuck in my past. I miss everything and everyone from when I was a kid.  My family, my friends, my classmates, my teachers, my relatives, the good times. I miss being young and full of life. I can’t cope with all the changes.

    I cry all the time, even when out of tears. I have trouble with breathing, I “choke” every other minute.

    My mother’s health is not good, she has had several breakdowns since I’ve been away for medical checkups. She is struggling because of me. She’s feeling guilty and is blaming herself. I’m ruining her. I just want to hug her and ask for forgiveness and tell her how much I love her.

    #380850
    Javier
    Participant

    Thank you Sarah,

    I’m doing gratitude journaling and working on my “why”. I read your article, and I agree, I need to also find self-love.

    I have requested my therapist to get 1hour daily for accessing my phone, so I can write and read on the forum.

    Hopefully, I will be able to keep in touch with you on a daily basis. Please pray for me and take care.

     

     

    #380825
    Javier
    Participant

    TeaK,

    I’m struggling to access my “Inner Child”. There is so much pain and fear(fear to get stuck in my past, fear of finding new incidents). At the moment, I’m confused and disoriented. It feels like one step ahead and two steps behind. I have this choking sensation all the time, it feels like I have anxiety attacks every other minute. My mind is on overdrive, I have had several major breakdowns today, and have been crying continuously.

    The more I write, the more depressed I get. I feel guilt, shame, and regret. I’m afraid I can’t rectify anything and afraid of what the future brings. I’m afraid of everything. My nervous system is completely stressed out. My mother has a breakdown this morning, she is heartbroken because of me. I don’t know what to do. My siblings are also here for me, but everyone is concerned. I just wish I can close my eyes and just disappear.

     

    #380799
    Javier
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    I agree, I have told my therapist about my childhood experiences. We are currently trying cognitive processing therapy, and the main focus on acceptance and “letting” go. At the moment, it’s too daunting for me, as I have to relive all memories and all the pain, fears, and insecurities. My “inner child” has been tortured till now, and I need to start addressing and processing the neglect and pain. For my next session, I have been instructed to write a letter to my “inner child” to address all the pain, incidents, and all neglect. To assess each situation, to express all my feelings, and finally let things go.

    I’m also writing a “letter” to my mother, apologizing for all the hurt and pain I caused her, and asking for her forgiveness.

    As I can’t get any sleep, and to keep my mind busy, I’m writing to my siblings, their kids, my relatives, my friends, my ex, and to my unborn child.

    It’s a step-by-step process, and I hope it will give me some inner peace. I just hope I can survive this, I’m really at the breaking point, with no hope or motivation. Please pray for me.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by Javier.
    #380795
    Javier
    Participant

    Thank you Sarah,

    I’m happy to hear you are better now. It feels good to hear that there is hope, and possibilities to get “healed”.

    They are doing a full health checkup and diagnostic scan of my entire body including heart, kidney, liver, lung to assess my current health status and to screen me to know if I have any apparent warning signs or if any abnormalities lying inside my body.

    On Thursday, they will do a chemical imbalance check of the brain to determine if I have excessive or insufficient chemicals(neurotransmitters).

    I have put the journaling on hold for now. I need to take some time off and change of focus. I’m just afraid of everything. Nothing makes sense, and at the moment I don’t have any “why”. I’m just “walking” around without any reason and no destination. Sometimes I just want to end it, but then I think about my mother, and all the struggle and pain she has endured, and the pain and guilt I will give my family. Maybe that’s my “why”.

    #380794
    Javier
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    I haven’t taken any medication, painkillers, or drugs(MDMA, cocaine, marijuana, and meth) since I was rehabilitated almost 20 years ago. Even when in pain or when I have a severe migraine, I opt to just “sleep” through it. I still remember the excruciating pain of withdrawals, the muscle cramps, the hot and cold flushes, and the mental fatigue, I’m too scared to take any medication or pills. And, I know I’m not disciplined enough to withstand the urge to overdose, especially when I’m at the breaking point. The “dark” hole I was nurturing inside me, all the demons I created, destroyed me and my loved ones, especially my mother. Every day, every moment, I can see the disappointment, pain, and sadness in her eyes. She is hurting with me and most probably blaming herself. I have not only ruined myself, but I have ruined her too.

    I know for sure, that if I have the option I will take any shortcut I can get, hence, I can’t take any medication. My therapist says there are other options, such as ECT(Electroconvulsive therapy). But as I can understand, it has to be done while I’m under anesthesia,  and commonly, they use Methadone or Morphine.

    Every morning is a battle. My mind is going on overdrive every morning and is feeding all the demons inside me. My therapist says my cortisol and melatonin levels are not on par, hence I need to change my diet.

    #380754
    Javier
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    Thank you for being here, I’m really grateful for hearing from you.

    Yes, I have had 3 psychological evaluations since 22nd May. The first I had lasted for almost 3hours, with extensive breaks. As I was very confused, and had several breakdowns, and was struggling with brain fogs, the first evaluation was split into 3 sessions.

    As I wasn’t allowed to have my phone/Computer with me, and no access to wifi, I was encouraged to write my experiences, thoughts, and feelings through journaling. As I was journaling for almost two days and put everything on the paper, I was too tired and fatigued to have a productive session.

    At the moment, I haven’t got any feedback nor outcome of the evaluation. But she confirmed severe anxiety disorders with excessive and persistent worry and fear about everyday situations. She pointed out several things that I need to address, such as gerascophobia(fear of aging), Thanatophobia(fear of dying and losing a loved one), Athazagoraphobia(fear of forgetting), PTSD, codependency, and lack of self-worth.

    They want to prescribe me Escitalopram(Lexapro), but due to my mental condition, and my struggle with addiction, they are reluctant to prescribe me any SSRIs/SNRIs.

    I’m scheduled to go back on Wednesday, but that is too long for me. I called them yesterday, but due to COVID, they prioritize the most critical patients.

     

    #380747
    Javier
    Participant

    This is really hard for me. I have never been so low, never experienced the dark side as I have over the last week. The emptiness, the loneliness, the feeling of being useless, unwanted, and unloved is unbearable to cope with. During my first psychological evaluation/mental health assessment, I felt exposed, excessively guilty, and numb. I have so many demons inside me. The regrets and pain of neglecting my mother, my brothers, my family, and my relatives. The feeling of not being able to redeem for the “lost” time. The unbearable pain of not being able to mend and rebuilt broken hearts and relationships. Not being able to “heal” my mothers pain.

    My therapist says I suffer from strong feelings of abandonment, and will often have a sense of being abandoned, hence trigging the fear that I will abandon and lonely. Even in the company of family members, I experience feelings of loneliness. As a result, I will always feel isolated as if I’m were cut off from the rest of the world. I’m struggling with strong codependency, and emotional deprivation.

    I have realized, I have always been broken, ever since a young age. No self-esteem, no personality, just a broken record. I have always “run” away from my problems, not being commited to rectify things and hide every time things get messy.

    I’m struggling with living in the past, stuck in the past, stuck with only awful feelings and bad memories. I have managed to program my subconscious mind to only think negative things. To keep nagging about the past, not being able to live in the present.

    I have no future. No desire, urge, or motivation to even think about the future. My fears and anxieties are rooted deep in my mind.

    Now I have distanced myself from my nieces(the only relationship I haven’t neglected). I’m afraid my depression, my negative thoughts, will “infect” them. I’m scared that I won’t be able to be there for them, to protect them, to be in their good and bad days. I want to shield them from everything that can hurt them- I want them to be happy, and never experience the darkness I’m living in.

    I apologize for sharing my negative thoughts and feelings. I wish I could give some positive feedback or positive affirmations. I just feel lost, empty, and have no motivation.

    #380162
    Javier
    Participant

    Dear Sarah,

    I called my neighbor and he’s taking me to the Psych ward. Please pray for me!

    #380153
    Javier
    Participant

    Thank you TeaK,

    It’s a battle every day. I fight for survival. I have to come to the terms of not having my own kids, not having my own family, not having anyone of my own to create memories with. Every time I see, hear or get reminded of kids, my heart breaks. It’s the biggest loss in my life. I have to realize that there will be no one at my deathbed. I have to realize that I will be alone, miserable, and forgotten. I wish I could go back in time and change things.

    I don’t know what to do if the therapy doesn’t work. I’m so terrified of the unknown. 8th of May was supposed to be the end for me. If it wasn’t for all the support and kind words and guidance from all of you, I wouldn’t be here now. How to bounce back, to “heal” myself seems impossible.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 52 total)