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Javier

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 77 total)
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  • #386530
    Javier
    Participant

    I’m annoyed, frustrated and perplexed. I have been in several sessions with my therapists, and I’m still stuck at square one.

    I was expecting(not a quick-fix nor a magic pill) some techniques, work tasks or at least something that I can do by myself. I battle every day for my life, my mind is killing me, and every morning is a fight for survival. I have expressed this dozen of times to my therapists and begged them for help. They just acknowledge it, and they tend to brush it under the carpet.

    My emptiness, my desire to not live, my depression is killing me slowly. And the only thing they tell me is that I need to find a way to fill my days with activities and physical exercise. I’m tired and have no energy left. I have trouble with sleeping, and they just put me on meds and urges me to go to sleep. My body, mind and heart are weak. I’m dead inside and completely empty. I have this “sense” that I won’t survive this for long, but still, they won’t help me.

    The emptiness will never disappear or go away, which I know for sure, but why can’t they show me the direction or at least tell me if there are any books or courses I can do.

    To be honest, this forum gives me more help than everything else.

    I’m just a lost case that can’t be healed-.

    • This reply was modified 19 hours, 7 minutes ago by Javier.
    #386065
    Javier
    Participant

    Thank you Sarah,

    Really appreciate your feedback. Do you think you will be able to feel good if you are off medications?

     

     

    #385756
    Javier
    Participant

    Yes, I have tried the motivational speeches and inspirational podcasts early in the mornings. I have also tried yoga and simple breathing exercices, but still feel lost, empty and full of negative thoughts. I’m still working on getting more disciplined in the mornings, but most of the time I just feel numb and lost.

     

    #385750
    Javier
    Participant

    I usually “weather” the morning storms by self-talk(sometimes screaming) for a couple of hours. Then some reading and journaling.

    Most of the time, I put the TV sound on the highest level, just to override my thoughts. It sounds silly, but I have the TV on 24/7 and I have to have sound and lights on all the time.

    #385714
    Javier
    Participant

    TeaK,

    Yes, you are right! But, I’m struggling to do that. I don’t know how to “switch” to the positive channel.

    #385620
    Javier
    Participant

    Thank you Teak,

    I’m afraid of the mornings, I’m afraid of reliving all my regrets. In the mornings, I have thousands of negative thoughts attacking me every morning. Every morning I get reminded of everything(My past, my regrets, my disappointments, my broken relationships..etc). As I can’t distract myself with journaling and reading as I wake up, everything is magnified significantly.

    I dread every morning, the nightmares, the waking-up traumas, the anxiety attacks, the feeling of being helpless and not be able to correct/fix anything from my past and present.

     

    #385613
    Javier
    Participant

    Teak,

    I really want to be “healed”. But, my mind is fighting me every day. At the moment, my whole life feels wasted. I don’t know why, but I’m second-guessing everything I do and even did in my past, from early age till now. I get anxious just by thinking about tomorrow. I’m afraid of sleeping, I can’t cope, I’m afraid all the time. Sometimes I just want to be drugged-down so I’m not able to feel or think anything. I don’t know my needs or core life values, everything just seems non-existent. To wake up like this every day makes it really hard to find any silver linings. The only thing keeping me motivated is this forum and all your courageous words.

    #385593
    Javier
    Participant

    Thank you TeaK,

    My therapist said exactly the same. As I’m empty and completely “dead” inside, it would surely be a lost cause. I feel adrift with no direction, no path in life. But, I’m still trying to find my purpose and begin living a meaningful life. I have so many questions, so much to figure out.

    #385572
    Javier
    Participant

    I’m just wondering. Is having kids the ultimate goal of life? Will they fulfil my needs and emptiness?

     

    #385388
    Javier
    Participant

    During my last session, my psychiatrist said I was mourning not only the death of my unborn child but also my own. He was surprised that I could hold so much pain and sorrow for so long time. I’ve been mourning my “death” since my father left my mother and rejected me and my brothers. The loss of my unborn child triggered my downfall, and since I just have been “running” away from everything, I just broke down as everything eventually caught up to me.

    Acceptance is the first step, and forgiveness the next. There is no quick fix, so I would try everything to heal myself.

     

     

    #385387
    Javier
    Participant

    Thank you TeaK,

    I will check out “A Practical Guide to Complex PTSD”.

    The sensorimotor psychotherapy was ok, there were too many “new” feelings and experiences I had to touch on, hence it was a bit overwhelming. As I’m still in the safety and stabilization phase, we are still trying to get to know the responses to the trauma and traumatic memories. The psychiatrists have urged me to be patient, as I need to get a deeper awareness of physical symptoms and sensations and how these relate to my traumas and emotional responses. I will carry on with the therapy, as it gives me a small hope and gives me some inner peace.

    I still need to work on getting stuck in my past. Are there any mind activities or books that address that?

    #385372
    Javier
    Participant

    How do I deal with all the nightmares, flashbacks, and anxiety attacks in the mornings? And how do I stop being stuck in my past?

    #385341
    Javier
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza,

    I’m really grateful for your in-depth feedback. You are right, I have a tendency to be really hard on myself. I usually give up on challenges quickly, fearing I won’t be successful. My self-talk consists of harsh criticism and generalizations. When situations and things don’t go as planned, I blame myself. I am my own worst enemy.

    You have many valid points. I need to figure out what my subconscious mind is hiding or what it’s trying to tell me. I have many demons and devils in my mind that I have to tame.

    At the moment, everything seems grim and impossible, but I’m trying to keep a positive mindset.

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 4 days ago by Javier.
    #385336
    Javier
    Participant

    TeaK,

    You are right, and you pointed out the issues with my inner child from the beginning. I’m working with myself daily, as I don’t have more than 20min computer-time a day. Sadly, and my own fault, I’m not functioning well. Due to my liver, I have jaundice and have lost a lot of weight. But, I’m still fighting daily with my brain. Some days, when medicated, I just go numb. When not medicated, my brain goes on overdrive.

    I have been introduced to sensorimotor psychotherapy and somatic therapy(as you suggested earlier). The psychiatrist has recommended a step-by-step approach, as I have a tendency to slip every other day and still have to learn how to get comfortable with negative feelings and emotions. I will be happy even if I can heal 5%, as this situation is unbearable.

    #385275
    Javier
    Participant

    Thank You Sarah,

    You are right, I have been neglecting and procrastinating everything. It has been my DNA and M.O, a habit I’m trying to break.

    I will go back and start from scratch, I need to do it, I want to do it.

    Thank you for your patience and love.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 77 total)