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It is very difficult for me to post this.
I have been laying low due to the fact that I have given up on myself. I was reluctant to post anything because I don’t want my negative energy to spoil this forum. I have been lucky to have you all in my life, showering me with love and caring.
But, for the last 2-3months, I’ve been really working on myself and tried all therapies available(ACT, CBT, DBT, Logotherapy, MCT, Mindfulness. I’ve been exercising, socializing, spent time with my help group, my sponsors, and my therapist.
I have read all books recommended, read all self-help books available, and done all work sessions available. Been in and out of counselling. Tried different therapists, gone to church, tried meditations and attended mass.
I’ve worked on my inner child, worked on my fears, worked on rumination, worked on my broken relationship, my broken mind and negative thoughts.
But at the end of the day, I have realized that I’m not made for this world. My mind is numb, everything is black, no happiness, no relief, no smile, everything is and looks bleak. Some people are just not made for living in this world. I’m not going to survive and live for long, I’m not suicidal, and not going to end anything. I’m tired, tired and scared of living. I have no future and my past is just full of regrets and pain. It’s my fault and my responsibility. I can’t blame anyone except myself. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere and not with anyone. My life is unlived, everything I have done has not been in line with my values. I have failed at every corner and in everything. But, it is what it is, I’m just empty, with no desire, no passion left. Maybe it’s anhedonia or just resignation. I feel nothing. I have to thank you all, for all the love and caring, the concern and kind words. I have nothing but respect and love for this forum. Keep up the good work, there are people who need your love and caring.
I fight every day for my mother, my brothers, my nieces, my family and my friends. They might have all left me, but in my heart, they are still a part of me.
Thank you for your understanding. Somehow, not a good thing, I feel a little bit relieved that there are people carrying the same load like me.
Some of us, unfortunately, and I’m not comparing, are born with defects. I have felt this “something” missing my whole life. It’s like a huge hole missing in my chest. Sometimes, well almost all the time, I feel like I’m heartless. Due to this “feeling”, I have always been codependent on my mother. I have carried her sorrows, pain and felt(still feel) responsible for her happiness.
I have tried to run away, escape, hide and distance myself from her, but the further away I go the stronger the pain.
I still fear the day I will lose her forever(I pray every day that I will go before her). I’m really terrified that I will always feel guilt and responsibility for my mother’s pain and sorrows(even for the sad and painful things she experienced as a child).
Now, I try to give as much love to everyone, but still, I feel I fall short.
It makes sense. I feel and have always felt responsible for my mother’s happiness. I feel responsible for her being alone, sad and unhappy. I always feel that everybody deserve the best and to be happy, especially the person you love most. That’s why I get sad and depressed when I think about her and her life. I know I’m not responsible for her happiness and her life. But, when I see her and think about her life, I just see a vulnerable kid that has been through so much hurt and pain. I wish I could take away the pain and sorrow, I just don’t want her to live her whole life sad, depressed, hurt and unloved. It’s the only reason I’m still alive because I know by me “ending it all” will be the ultimate betrayal and will crush her to thousand pieces. It’s a terrible place to be when you have given up on life but still have to live for others.
Thank you TeaK, my therapist says the same. I have been walking around carrying wounds from my childhood. Only by loving and healing my inner child, I can begin to love myself and then my family and friends. It’s a very daunting and painful task, but I will slowly, step by step, manage to heal myself.
Thank you Anita,
You are correct, but I’m still devastated by these emotions. Life is short, and I regret every moment I spend hating and dwelling on things from the past. I usually “run” away from these feelings, but now I’m stuck and have nowhere to hide. The emptiness, the sad feelings are here constantly. I hope I can forgive my mother and myself before it’s too late-
Is it normal to feel intense anger and remorse towards your loved ones? I have for the last 2-3 months developed a strong resentment towards my mother. I don’t know why, but I feel just pure hate. I hate myself for having those feelings. I love my mother and feel it’s unfair and she’s undeserving of this disdain.
Thank you TeaK,
Yes, I’m getting physio for my left arm. My nerves are damaged, hopefully, I will be able to get 10-15% functionality.
TeaK, you have done more than required. I’m ever grateful for all your advice and encouraging words.
Hopefully, 2022 will bring some joy and happiness. Even though my family has cut me out of their lives, and I’m basically all alone, I’m still alive. I’m just now living day by day.
Happy New Year,
I’m in survival mode, just living day by day. Thank you for your love and concern,
Happy New Year, and apologies for the late reply.
Due to my OD, I’m struggling with neurological complications, and my left arm is paralyzed.
I’m turning 43 this year. I agree, I need to let bygones be bygones. I’m trying ACT therapy to effectively handle those negative feelings. But I get easily caught up in a conceptualized past and future, I dwell on painful memories and ruminate over my past. I’m stuck with unpleasant memories of rejection, disappointment, and failures. I worry about things that haven’t yet happened and focus negatively on all the things I have to do next. And in the process, I miss out on life.
My mind reminds me daily-That I’m useless, unloveable, I have no self-awareness and have no self-esteem. I’m a joke and so is my life. Every morning, as I wake up, I’m reminded of this.
I’m afraid of ageing and afraid of changes. Usually, people, while ageing, become wiser, stronger, and less stressed. In my case, it’s the opposite. I’m getting weaker and weaker with time.
I don’t know why, but the feeling of time-passing is un-describable. I get the sense that time puts more distance between me and my love-ones, especially my deceased loved ones with every year that goes by.
Sorry for the late reply. Thank you for your love and caring. I have tried to answer your questions.
What do you want? I want inner peace, a life with fewer regrets. I want to forgive myself for all the hurting and pain I have given everyone. I want to ask for forgiveness from my unborn child. I want to forgive my ex-girlfriend that committed suicide. I want to live my life carefree and with some joy. I don’t want to live in my past, I want bygones to be bygones.
What/how do you want to feel? I want to be happy or at least just feel alive. I just exist at the moment, just empty, just breathing. I want to stop comparing myself to others, stop hating myself, stop wishing I was dead.
Do you want things to be…different? I just want things to be “normal”, I want a family and I want to be loved. I wish I had some friends and people around me that cared and loved me.
Would you accept or embrace change? I want changes but I’m at the time scared of changes.
Thank You Anita!
This just blew my mind and makes me understand a bit more about my emptiness.
The detachment from myself and my soul is an indescribable feeling. It gives me some kind of hope, and a feeling of relief to hear that there is some healing. And, that I can, maybe, live a less painful life, without feeling extreme numbness and uselessness.
The mornings are the worse for me, every morning I have to “fight” for survival. I have to fight for my life, to find a motivation to get out of my bed, to just live. Did you struggle in the mornings? If so, how are your mornings now?
Do you feel any kind of numbness and hopelessness? And how do you feel when you think back to the days of emptiness? Do you feel that you “wasted” time for no reason, or have you just accepted that as part of the “healing process”?
I’m ever so grateful for your post. Once again Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I just wonder, have any of you felt any profound vacuum inside? The feeling of nothingness, hopelessness and utter numbness?
I have struggled with this intense chronic emptiness since I was a kid. I don’t how to cope with it, how to heal it and how to live with it. I always thought depression was the cause, but it feels more and more like depression is a symptom of emptiness.
I feel disconnected from reality, my feelings and my thoughts, and sometimes it feels like I’m completely disconnected from my soul. Nothing makes sense, and the lack of meaning and purpose is intense.
Have you felt like this? And how to do live with it?
Sarah and TeaK Thank you,
You have always been here for me. Your support, love and kindness have kept me alive. I’m happy to have you in my life.
Thank you Peter,
You are spot-on, I have never been able to still my mind and feel some calmness and clarity. I have been going through most of my adult life with the prenotion that stillness is my worst enemy. I was a champion, and are still running and dodging thoughts and feelings. But when they, quite often lately, finally catch up, they paralyze me. But sometimes, when I’m lucky, I can go completely numb and be apathetic. Maybe the saying is right, you need pain and dark days to appreciate life to the fullest.
I totally Agree Sarah.
As I was laying on the floor, lost and defeated, with total emptiness and shattered into thousand pieces, I realised that I have never been able to permit myself to receive any help. I just came back from a 6weeks stay at the psych ward. The saddest part is that I need and want help, but my mind won’t let me. I tried ECT(Electroconvulsive therapy) with limited success. Now I’m afraid that there are no options left. I don’t know why I’m writing this, but I just want to thank you and everybody else on the forum.