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  • #386533

    Javier,

    You are doing better than you think. You know the flaws of your therapists, you’re able to recognize and identify your feelings, you know to come to this forum and you know not to attempt again (i hope). So see that. That is hopeful. That is good.

    Answers don’t come easy. They take some self discovery. Your therapist is a tool to get there but it’s up to you to do the work.

    I recently have had “I Can Only Imagine” by Mercy Me on repeat. I implore you to listen to their music. It helps ground me and helps me cope.

    When you meditate, there’s something called “centering prayer.” You invite God into that space with you. A lot of Buddhists simply meditate and sit with silence for enlightenment. Which works to an extent. But an extra step is to commune with God when this happens. See what He wants to say to you.

    I know this site is Buddhist-ish but I’m a mix of Christian and that. I actually have had the same struggles with you of despair. I recently had a side effect to a med that I thought would ruin my life. Instead, I found a solution to it, and I’m better now. But in the moment, I thought it was the end. I catastrophized (much like you are doing) that this meant I had to change meds which would be a bad situation which would lead me to end it. I really thought about ending it. Then things turned around unexpectedly. I’m so happy that I get to share this experience with you and that I lived. I am here because of God’s guidance to hold on.

    What you’re missing is that connection. You are waiting on others (including this forum) to tell you what to think and feel, to give yourself permission to love yourself. Well we don’t have all the answers.

    What would you tell someone else going through your situation? Turn towards self-compassion.

    You WILL live. It’s just hard right now. And it’s okay to acknowledge that it’s hard. I’m not going anywhere. Keep venting, keep finding the beauty of life through the brokenness. Life might surprise as it did me recently.

    Sarah

    #386569
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    I don’t have experience with psychiatrists, but I do with other medical doctors, and they often have limitations and don’t even know what to suggest if it goes beyond what they’ve already dealt with. My husband had to search the internet himself to find a solution that helped him with his medical problem. Doctors, even those with prestigious degrees, didn’t know what to suggest, other than what they learned in school dozens of years ago.

    So it’s common unfortunately that doctors too reach a limit of their expertise and can’t really give you more – unless they’d want to dig deeper, consult their colleagues etc. But they usually don’t have time for that, they have many other patients to see, and so you’re often left alone to find out what works best for you.

    but why can’t they show me the direction or at least tell me if there are any books or courses I can do.

    Sarah and I suggested books that might be helpful – have you taken a look at them?

    I’m annoyed, frustrated and perplexed. I have been in several sessions with my therapists, and I’m still stuck at square one.

    Have you continued with somatic psychotherapy? Do you find it inefficient too?

     

    #386623
    Javier
    Participant

    Thank you Sarah for the positive affirmations. I really hope I can be cured, even 10% will be enough for me to at least live.

    I’m completely lost and don’t have any purpose or direction. Every morning is a battle for finding the “WHY” and the reason for keep battling. I’m desperately searching for a meaningful purpose, the energy to resolve internal and external conflicts, courage for planning for the future. When all hope is lost, I desperately come to the forum for advice and positive affirmations. It has kept me alive so far.

    Thank you TeaK,

    You are correct, I can’t expect my therapist to heal me. And I know it’s not a quick fix or any magic formula or pill for healing the pain. I have learned some somatic psychotherapy techniques such as using descriptive language and titration/pendulation. If I’m in the zone and my mind/mood is right, I get some relaxation.

    I’m really unrested because I’m overthinking about my past and all my wrong decisions. I’m tormented and devastated every time I get reminded of my past. The thing that upsets me most is as time passes, I’m struggling to accept the distance between the good memories. I’m always going to be afraid of time passing. Age and numbers(years or exact dates from the past with reference to some incidents) freak me out. I don’t know why, but every time I hear a song or watch a movie/Tv-Series from the 80s, 90s and 00s I just end up crying uncontrollably.

    I’m currently reading(slow-reading) How To Do The Work by Dr. Nicole LePera. Chapter 6 – Power of Belief, hit me really hard. I wish I would have known these things in my early 20s.

    #386624

    Javier

    This is trauma. Perhaps ask therapist for how to deal with ptsd. Come to forum to find out what tools you need through self expression and our input then take it to therapist. They might be struggling to pinpoint how to help so you have to do that part for them. Identifying what is wrong is half the battle.

    You need more supports. I encourage you to join a support group or even a Facebook support group for depression and ptsd.

    Im glad you are reading that book I recommended.

    Let’s focus on finding purpose now. Do you have any ideas on what that could look like for you? Perhaps visualize what it does and feels like as a new assignment.

    Please scroll back and do the other exercises we guided you to do. I can’t help you if you don’t take my advice. I’m trying to work with you.

    Sarah

    #386709
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    I have learned some somatic psychotherapy techniques such as using descriptive language and titration/pendulation. If I’m in the zone and my mind/mood is right, I get some relaxation.

    Good, at least you get some relief from time to time.

    You’ve mentioned that mornings are the hardest for you. Today I’ve come across about a youtube video that talks about the morning anxiety, how it relates to our inner child, and how to lessen it. The title is “Anxiety in the morning – The adult and the inner child – Episode 7“, by Patrick Teahan.

    It says that our experience in the morning mirrors our experience when we were growing up. So if you grew up in a chaotic and violent home, it wouldn’t be surprising to experience that same sense of terror and helplessness that you’ve experienced back then. The video offers some suggestions what to do to reduce that helplessness and anxiety. Let me know if you found it useful.

    I am glad you’re reading the book by Dr. Nicole LePera. You say: I wish I would have known these things in my early 20s. – You know what they say: better later than never. You’ve still got plenty of years ahead of you, which you can spend in a better, more positive mindset, free from false beliefs.

    As for your purpose, perhaps you can set small, doable goals for yourself every day (as you’ll see in the video I’ve mentioned). Accomplishing them will give you a sense of agency, i.e. you won’t feel so helplessness any more, you’ll feel more in control, more capable. This might help you feel more purpose and meaning in life too…

     

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 6 days ago by TeaK.
    #386744
    Javier
    Participant

    This morning I was given the task of mapping “Realistic Picture of Myself”. It was daunting and really left me perplexed as I had to write down how I see myself (Negative(N) and Positive(P) things). I don’t know why, but I will write down my thoughts. Maybe it will give me some inner peace or maybe it’s just to address my messed up self-image. Anyway,

    1. Physical Appearance

    • Short (5’8/5’9 feet) – N
    • Curly hair – N
    • Bulky Nose – N
    • Hunching – N
    • Short legs – N
    • Short Torso – N
    • Beady Eyes – N
    • Chipped teeth – N
    • No defined chin – N
    • Skin rashes – N
    • Skinny – N
    • Olive skin – P

    2. Personality

    • Cold and introvert – N
    • Insecure and always on alert – N
    • Easily annoyed and aggressive – N
    • Distant and full of self-doubt – N
    • Trapped in my past – N
    • Unloveable and Lost – N
    • Moody – N
    • Emotional – N
    • Overly Sensitive – N
    • Weak-minded – N
    • Fearful – N
    • Pessimist – N
    • Sometimes apathetic – N

    3. Mental Functioning

    • Impulsive and act before I think – N
    • Not good to resolve problems and issues – N
    • Always looking for the easy-way out – N
    • Non-confrontational, “run” and “hide” from problems – N
    • No cognitive and social skills  – N
    • Good Memory – P
    • Learn by doing – P

    4. Emotional Landscape

    • Moody, long periods of low and complete lack of self-esteem. – N
    • Long periods of low energy and depression – N
    • Insecurity and lack of self-esteem since childhood. -N
    • Jealousy, fear, anger and regrets -N
    • Stuck in the past, and second-guessing all life decisions. – N
    • Give up and quit before even trying. – N
    • Trouble expressing feelings, and easily lash out/blow up on family and friends. – N

    5. Performance at School/Work

    • Never been any good at school – N
    • Lazy, always looking for the short-cuts and easy ways out. – N
    • Never been eager to learn or had any discipline – N
    • Unfocused and easy distracted – N
    • Picks up things easy – P

    6. Performance on Everyday tasks

    • All tasks are doable and easy to follow – P
    • Procrastinate every task – N
    • Easily bored – N
    • Terrible at scheduling and planning activities. – N

    7. Friendships

    • Don’t have any close friends or acquaintances – N
    • Not good at keeping friends – N
    • Trust issues and always on alert – N
    • Always striving for giving a good first impression – N/P
    • Easily forget important dates and happenings- N

    8. How other People view me

    • Strange and awkward – N
    • Reserved and suspicious – N
    • Boring and complete lack of self-esteem – N
    • Unattractive and non-existent – N
    • Pathetic, unloveable and lonely – N
    • Dumb and Mentally disturbed – N

    9. Love Relationship

    • Protecting and caring – P
    • Lack of patience and understanding – N
    • Immature and non confrontational – N
    • Hide feelings and afraid of expressing my true feelings – N

    10. How will people remember you

    • Loser and unsuccessful – N
    • Didn’t manage to maintain and/or make any relationships – N
    • Waste of opportunities – N
    • Waste of potential – N
    • Sad, depressed and hopeless – N
    • Poisonous – N

    Tomorrow, I will have to challenge each of these thoughts and address if they are true or not.

    This has been the most productive session for me so far. I know there are many negatives, but this is what is inside my head.

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 4 days ago by Javier.
    #386750

    Okay let’s focus on one of your positives.

    • Protecting and caring – P

    How are you protective and caring?

    When have you protected and cared for someone?

    How does it feel to protect and care?

    How can you protect and care for others and yourself now?

    What does being compassionate look like for you?

    How do you find purpose in compassion? Where can you use this compassion to create meaning for your life? Who can you help?

    Start there. 🙂

    #386822
    Javier
    Participant

    How are you protective and caring?

    I always feel responsible for other peoples feelings. Especially towards my family, as I feel responsible for all their pain and hurting.  As a result, I go to great lengths to avoid conflicts, and seldom admit when my feelings are hurt.

     

    When have you protected and cared for someone?

    I have always been overprotected and over-caring towards my nieces, well when I was a little “healthier” mentally. My main mission was to protect them from all the bad things I experienced in my childhood and to keep them safe, happy and smiling.

     

    How does it feel to protect and care?

    Honestly, it sucks big time. Because, it reminds me how neglected, hurt and tormented I was. And, I tend to start with the “what ifs”, “I wish”, and “Why wasn’t there anyone there for me”. The more I protect and care about my nieces, the more devastated and anxious I feel. Somehow, I see myself in them, my brittle inner-child that is broken into thousand pieces.  I get reminded of how brittle and weak I really am. A tiny bump in the road will break me.

    How can you protect and care for others and yourself now?

    At the moment, just being alive and staying alive is the only way I can protect and care for others. The pain and hurting of any other life decision will shatter their world. I’m dedicating all my time(the time I’m mentally available and the demons have minimal effect on my mind) to reading, journaling, understanding and self-help.

     

    What does being compassionate look like for you?

    To be with someone during ups and downs. To pick someone up when they’re down, not heal them or walk in their shoes, but just be there, standing next to the one that is weathering the storm.

    At the moment, I’m struggling every day to find a purpose, a reason for living. I’m at the point of my life where I can’t help anyone.

     

    #386827

    Javier

    You can still help your wounded inner child now. Nothing will get you over the injustice of what happened. But you can forgive.

    I have trauma too and read The Gift of Forgiveness and it reached my traumatized and neglected heart to forgive. It was very powerful for me.

    I go through analysis paralysis sometimes in the morning when I think about my to do list. I get overwhelmed. Right now what’s motivating me to start is helping you. So you are helping someone right now.

    You need emotional support. I still think a support group would be very helpful.

    Why don’t you try giving someone else advice on this forum? Just one person. That will help you feel like you’re helping someone.

    Giving doesn’t trigger me like it does you. We have two different reactions to it. I don’t understand yours but I know service to others is a great purpose so long as you take care of yourself.

    Youre in great mental anguish. What do you do to process these feelings? How do you react to them?

    I want you to start seeing the good of yourself. The author of Life Without Limits another book I recommend is about a man born without limbs. He too felt like a burden and suffered depression and even suicidal thoughts. Then he met someone like him. He thought he could help him. It turned his perspective around. He’s now an inspirational speaker and leader.

    If you were to meet someone like you, what would you say?

    #386828
    Javier
    Participant

    Dear Sarah,

    I’m forgiving everyone, including myself every day. I recite Hebrews 8:12 every morning <span class=”s1″>–</span> “For I will be merciful toward their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more.”

    I have started to attend Sunday prayers regularly, just to be in touch with people, socialize, talk and learn from their life experiences. As I’m struggling to live day by day, and every task seems daunting, I get inspired by people who have battled and lived through pain, griefs and sorrows.

    At last weeks prayer, I met my primary school teacher. She recognized me, and I felt blessed. I thanked her for all her support and kindness, and for being like a second mother to me. She basically raised me. I got so emotional and cried.

    To be honest, I have always felt ungrateful towards people who helped mold me. Lately, I have been very emotional and sensitive, and tend to cry a lot. I have experienced an awakening, as I’m more humble and grateful toward people-

    I actually gave an advice today or at least tried(https://tinybuddha.com/topic/how-to-find-yourself/).

    I will check out Life Without Limits. Thank you for the recommendation.
    <p class=”p1″></p>

    #386836

    Javier,

    Look up on youtube: Life Without Limbs: Nick Vujicic Ministries

    He has a lot of inspirational messages. How about try to watch daily? I’ve also started watching Fresh Anointing on youtube.

    There are many more.

    I’m glad you are forgiving people. You said that you still hold a lot of resentment. I would say you might want to forgive but your emotional state isn’t matching that intention. Anger is okay but it points to something deeper.

    I like how you told advice that you are going through something too and it was okay to be lost sometimes.

    I worry a lot and can think in all-or-nothing thinking. If one thing goes wrong, I think all is wrong. And vice versa with being right. I don’t ALWAYS think like this. But I often do. I realized that my brain was telling me one thing and my soul was telling me another. My brain tells me to think small and be scared. My soul tells me to expand and live for God and meaning and purpose and something greater than myself. My brain wants me to be defeated and joyless. My soul wants me to be like a child again full of wonder and joy. It’s a constant battle. It’s a spiritual battle and we are ALL going through it.

    Like you told that stranger on that forum, you are not alone in your suffering. I’m not going anywhere. I know it’s hard right now. I can’t help you to find all the answers. It’s going to be hard. But you have nothing to worry about. The worst is over. You have PTSD. It’s just processing life and picking yourself up again and leaning on God. I would say that my faith helps me a lot. I don’t know yours but whatever holds meaning for you spiritually, it’s time to listen to it.

    We can’t know what’s going to happen. I can’t tell you it’s all going to turn around. All I can tell you is that I’m here for you. I hope that you know you are worth helping. I see good in you. I see a person who has promise. I see a person who is caring. I see a person who is just scared. That’s all it is. You are just scared. And you have every right to be. You’re still here aren’t you? That’s your sign that it’s okay to let go now. For a moment, set it all down. For a moment, release your struggles and exhale. You are Beloved. You are enough. You are good. You are going to be okay once you get a handle on your emotional state. That’s what you are up against – your brain is trying to work you up into defeatism. You can’t see through it, but I can. I can tell you that you are punishing yourself and holding onto anger towards past injustices. You haven’t released your grip once even a little bit. Try surrendering.

    I’ll be here to hold space with you too.

    Again, I ask you- what would you tell someone in your position?

    Sarah

    #386850
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    it’s good to read you had a productive therapy session, with lots of self-reflection and making a kind of inventory of where you are at mentally and emotionally. I am glad it helped you! And it’s also great that you’re going to mass, socializing with people, listening to their stories and how they’ve overcome their hardships. It’s so sweet that you primary school teacher recognized you, and that you opened up to her, expressing your appreciation and gratitude.

    To be honest, I have always felt ungrateful towards people who helped mold me.

    No wonder, since the most important people who molded you (your parents) did a poor job. Your father abused you, your mother failed to protect you from abuse. It’s no wonder you didn’t feel any gratitude to authority figures, including those who were good and kind, like your primary school teacher.

    In a response to Sarah’s question: “How are you protective and caring?”, you wrote:

    I always feel responsible for other peoples feelings. Especially towards my family, as I feel responsible for all their pain and hurting.  As a result, I go to great lengths to avoid conflicts, and seldom admit when my feelings are hurt.

    In trying to protect and care for others, you suppressed your own feelings and needs. You blamed yourself for your mother’s pain, when it wasn’t your fault at all. That’s what a child does – it always protects the parent, and blames themself, trying to change and become “better”, hoping that this would make the parent happy.

    From very early in your childhood, you thought that something was wrong with you, first when your father was beating you, and then when your mother wouldn’t protect you from him. You took responsibility for their abuse and lack of protection, you thought you were bad and deserved it. And then later when you started acting out, you kind of “proved” to yourself that you are indeed bad and deserve poor treatment.

    See how it goes? You were an innocent child who took the blame for being abused, believing there was something terribly wrong with you. And you lived your life with that false belief, acting out, doing drugs, not paying attention at school etc.

    How does it feel to protect and care?

    Honestly, it sucks big time. Because, it reminds me how neglected, hurt and tormented I was. And, I tend to start with the “what ifs”, “I wish”, and “Why wasn’t there anyone there for me”. The more I protect and care about my nieces, the more devastated and anxious I feel. Somehow, I see myself in them, my brittle inner-child that is broken into thousand pieces.  I get reminded of how brittle and weak I really am. A tiny bump in the road will break me.

    You indeed were neglected and hurt as a child, and you had no one to protect you. A small child left to his own devices in the midst of domestic violence is horrible indeed. That’s why you feel brittle and weak now. It’s the inner child in you. What you are doing now, with therapy and self-help and sharing here, is you’re strengthening your adult self. Your adult self isn’t helpless like your inner child is, it has resources to help you. So the task would be to strengthen your adult self, so you can defend and protect and care for your inner child.

    One way to strengthen your adult self is to understand and accept that it wasn’t your fault that the abuse happened. That you’re not inherently bad and worthless, that you didn’t deserve it. So you stop taking the blame and responsibility for other people abusing you. Specially for your parents abusing you, i.e. failing to protect you. This is how you will start protecting your inner child. If you believe you deserved the abuse, you cannot protect your inner child, and healing cannot happen. Can you see that?

     

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 1 day ago by TeaK.
    #387035
    Javier
    Participant

    Dear Sarah,

    I checked the motivational speeches by Nick Vujicic- It was really humbling and inspiring., but it also made me quite anxious. Because, I don’t have the fighting power, courage and resilience as Nick. It makes me realize that I’m missing the essential coping abilities. At the moment, a simple bump in the road will make me crumble. As the days, weeks and months pass, I feel more embarrassed and ashamed about my life and my decisions. It so many regrets, pain and shame I’m dealing with on a daily basis.

    Step-by-step, I’m working on my inner child, my fears and my decisions. Every time I manage to get some progress, my evil mind pulls me back again. I’m hopeless and weak, and it’s really daunting to start all over again(as I have to do every morning).

    I’m struggling with everything now, I’m frustrated and angry at myself and my life choices. I second guess everything from my past. The way I lived, how I lived, why I didn’t mature in my 20s.

    I just want to end the pain, the feeling of shame, the feeling of not being able to utilize my potential, the feeling of failing in everything. I know look back at the “good” times with shades. I have slowly realized that I’ve always felt empty, depressed and useless. I felt empty when I was 6, in my teens, in my 20s-30s and 40s. And, I’m afraid I’ll be feeling the same until my last breath. It’s just how my brain is wired.

    I envy everyone, I’m jealous of peaceful and carefree they look. I’m not sure how to cope, how to live, how to get inner peace.

    I read, work on myself, go to therapy and try to socialize. But, in the end, I just feel lost and awful.

    I’m trying my best to live, to be “normal” but I’m just dead inside-

    I’m sorry that I’m so negative and spewing out a lot of negativity. I’m really sorry.

     

     

    #387041

    The point of motivational speeches is to give you that strength. Can you imagine being born without limbs?? He was suicidal until he met someone like him and wanted to help him.

    Try Fresh Anointing on youtube. They are a ministry.

    Thats all the resources I have. All I can do now is simply listen. You’ve been given a ton of insights, tools and exercises. You didn’t do most of my exercises. I implore that you do.

    You didn’t answer my question- what would you tell someone else in your position?

    At this point you need a professional to help you the most. I don’t know how to help you receive that motivational speaker the right away. I don’t understand why giving to others and motivational speeches give you more anxiety. That tells me this is a severe depression that will need professional help. I cannot help you find the will to live. All I can do is offer my listening.

    Recently I’ve experienced divine peace. I realized prayer wasn’t enough. I had to delve into Fresh Anointing ministry on YouTube. They removed the negative energy in my life. My anxiety was completely healed. But then I have a prayer unanswered. My dog gets sick sometimes and I’m always praying for a solution. In the midst of chaos though I have found a calm. I am praying for you.

    Please live.

     

    sarah

     

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